SRS Ok, serious question, biased people don't even click this.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by xerond, Mar 24, 2008.

  1. xerond

    xerond New Member

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    Before I explain what I want to, understand that I'm not trying to beget any type of attention or worry. The reason I'm posting this is because I want serious legit discussion and I don't want it to be flooded with simple answers, simple experiences, and responses that would not influence me anyways. With that out of the way, here is my situation:

    Depression and bipolarism are very present in my family tree, and for the past 5 years I can honestly say that I've been planning/having thoughts of suicide frequently. This not some "oh the world sucks, I hate everyone, I hate the world" no. Actually I understand the world is an amazing place, my family has done a lot for me, and while I haven't had the peachiest upbringing I seriously cannot complain and am grateful for everything my family has done for me. Yes I've seeked medical help before, been in behavioral health institutions, and have been medicated in the past. The medications never really helped that much, really they made life seem more dull than before.

    Now, my problem seems to be that even when my life has been at its high points in relationships, family, friends, and everything I've still considered suicide. It's a feeling that I'm always being brought back to. I am not some closet nerd, with no friends, or anything like that. I am an outgoing person, enjoy hanging out with friends meeting new people, I appear very happy. I really have nothing to complain about. Its hard for me to explain to people what this sensation is like, just driving normally I want to speed up faster and crash into something, fly off a cliff. When I'm around or on tall places I think of jumping, everywhere I go, its not some sad consideration its a need. I also understand that suicidal thoughts is purely a mental problem, I know that its not normal, but it doesn't change the fact that I may end up hurting many people by having this. There are points in my life that I feel like I've been waiting for, for the best timing, as to bring the least amount of hurt possible to the people I know. And now seems like the timing is here. I've had two long considerable relationships in the past, and both of them recently have been dissolved completely. One was a best friend/lover on and off for 4 anahalf years. The other a solid relationship for 2 years. These are the two people that I feel now would be the best time and that it would hurt them the least. For the past year I've been living on my own and away from my family, and while I still attend events and talk and such, I've been distanced enough from them that I believe now is the best time. Now, someone would wonder why would I want to kill myself now? What I'm really afraid of, is hurting someone in the future, what if I get to the point where I have a family, a wife and children? People really dependent on me? Thats too risky, and this sensation is something I know will never go away. I'm not sad or depressed at all about committing the act, in fact I feel happier considering it and believing that I'm finally getting close to it. It doesn't bother me, what bothers me is that it will hurt the people around me. And living this life for people other than yourself isn't healthy. I know because in the darkest parts of me life it was nothing but pain having to continue when the sensation was still there. I've loved this life, learned so much, met some amazing people, but I want the end so bad. I would consider submitting myself for medical help again but I don't have any real medical insurance, and the past medical bills that I have rung up, have hit my family hard already. I can't afford to do that anymore, or put that burden on them. That, seems selfish to me. Its so hard for me to explain by typing this out but, me living this life and not living for myself, feels so unnatural to me.

    Hopefully you might see how this feels, please understand I don't want pity, I understand this and this feels like a rational decision to me. Maybe I just want someone to understand or to get some type of feedback. I like getting this out there, maybe this is something that most people don't see or hear. But from what I explained, would any of you agree with me? Please give me resonable answers not just "don't kill yourself you have so much to live for, things will get better" no you didn't even read what I said.
     
  2. Noelting

    Noelting Guest

    suicidal ideation are a lot more common than you would think..do you have any compulsions or behaviours that you perform to lower your anxiety or get rid of your suicidal thoughts?
     
  3. xerond

    xerond New Member

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    Staying busy, going out and partying, just hanging out with people helps, but at the end of the day and even while I do normal stuff with people, friends, family, loved ones, or by myself. I come around to thinking about it, nothing necessarily deafens it. Its something I try to ignore and put off, cover up by staying busy. And its definitely on my mind the most when I'm bored and have nothing to do.
     
  4. Noelting

    Noelting Guest

    how old are you?
     
  5. Emfuser

    Emfuser Nuclear Moderator Super Moderator

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    On Topic --> Asylum

    You'll find more of the sort of help and advice you need in this forum. Good luck. :hs:
     
  6. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    You know, just by reading your message, you're an incredibly smart individual.. It'd be a waste of your life (that you've enjoyed), and a waste of a possible even more amazing future.

    The things you have going for you are setup solely based on your previous actions. Everything you've done in life, everything you've said, every person whose hand you shook / hugged, all amounts to something.. and in the end, you don't get to witness it.

    Is that what you want? Is that what you need? That feeling you have, that urgency, is something you may think of consistently.. but the fact of the matter is you are the one who controls your actions.. Your mind controls your thoughts.


    "On the plains of hesitation lie the bones of countless million; who on the threshhold of victory sat down to rest, and in resting, they died."
     

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