SRS OK.. i seriously need advice. BIG TIME. v. emotional breakdown

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by beanolo, Jun 3, 2005.

  1. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    I normally don't seek out advice... but I'm at the point of a mental breakdown, and need help. I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

    Story:

    Problems with the gf. We started off as best friends 11+ years ago, and 7 years ago began seeing each other. Not much to explain over the last 7 years, because they have been great, no problems whatsoever. However recently she started a job as an independant financial advisor with her brother, and has been working this job literally from 8am to 11pm, 7 days a week to try to have it take off.

    So here is where problems began, because i've been seeing her less and less, to a point that I raarely saw her. So problems arose, that I voiced she could at least call, or see me when she could... which she did.. however it was still hard. Couple weeks ago, we got into that argument again, that i needed the time, and i felt like she wasn't even making an effort. Her response, was that she has to focus on her job 100% now, and that she really can't be distracted from it for her relationship. So it ended... just like that.

    Fast forward to today. I see her pop up on IM, i msg her hello. Eventually she does talk... and I soon come to learn that she no longer can see me, and no longer wants to be friends right now until she can get over her feelings for me. :wtc:

    So in a nutshell, she doesn't want to be or even think about a relationship right now until she's successful in her career. So shes slowly trying to destroy her feelings for me because of this. And she (the normal answer) told me she doesn't want me to just sit around and wait for her because she feels bad for that.

    Since she doesn't want to see me in person, the only contact i have will be a phone call with her tonight....

    What can i do? I never had a problem waiting, because i understand thats her job and she needs to get things done... however for us to throw everything we built up for, and our future together over miscommunication is tough... ANY help before my phone call tonight would be massively helpful.
     
  2. 3z33

    3z33 Guest

    :hug: sorry man, sounds like its over for now. I went through a divorce a year and a half ago, and I didn't even love my wife...but I loved having a family.

    It gets easier, but the best thing to do is let her go and find a new brand of personal happiness.

    Hang in there...seriously.
     
  3. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I know this situation exactly. It all boils down to that 'if you don't have time for a relationship, you shouldn't be involved into one' Im sorry but its best that you end your relationship with her, she clearly has chosen for her carreer on top of you. You need to be with a girl that will invest 'time' + 'attention' into the relationship. She clearly is reluctant to do both , and without time to love, your relationship has become meaningless. How hard it may seem, i advice you to do the 'right' thing , and that is to break up with her, and say that you are emotionally damaged by her 'lack of attention' and 'lack of desire' to be with you' and her 'lack of investing' time into the relationship whereas the relationship has been such severly damaged that you have decided to let her go, so she can pursuede her carreer and do what she wants in her life, (which is her free will, and thus holy) and that you however need someone who takes time + effort to invest into the relationship, and that you miss her, and that you need her. And that this relationship has come to a 'unfortunate' dead end, and that hopefully she will be happy and content with her future carreer but as far as you concern its over between you two.
     
  4. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    She definitely DID choose her career over me... thats for sure.

    But honestly... what hurts the most, is that in one night, I lost my best friend, as well as my gf. That's two of the closest people I trust, gone in a night. Over what? I clearly see that neither side is to blame, because we're NOT married, so she's free to do what she wants, and the same for me. But how could she give up the 7 years invested? the future we talked about? everything? in one night?

    I can understand if I cheated... than sure, I messed up, its over. But in this case, neither side is to blame... and this fact, is driving me insane.... I just need closure, its almost like im begging her to tell me that she doesn't love me anymore so I can move on. But she's not telling me that, she does still love me, but she now wants to be alone, and also not be friends so she can get over me, and wants me to do the same.

    So shes basically trying to erase me completely from her life. For no reason... all im looking for here is a reason guys...
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    The reason is clear it's her carreer. Money money money, nowadays woman can earn as much as the boys, and she wants a position in life , society demands, and she responds to that by working vigeriously and leaving you behind like a stray cat.

    You won't understand, it's her carreer that forfills her life right now, not you. When she lost you she will know that it is too late. Don't come back for anymore closure, she already closed the door, and she doesn't dislike you or not love you. She has set sail to the horizon and left you standing on the shore, she is on the water, and you are on the land. You must continue your life, and she must with hers. She can choose to go her way, and you must continue to go your way. She can always come back, u should pursuede new relationships in your life now, however you don't have to close the door entirelly, i would keep it on a tiny tiny open spot, but for now break up with her. Who knows what can happen in the future, but clearly for the point being see is not available to you anymore. Never wait in your life, until she comes back you can date and see other people, carry on with your life. As she does with her. She doesn't have to explain to you, her actions speak louder then words. It's the financial world , she is dating money now, not you. Let her, you can see other girls now in the meantime, just whatever you do , don't stop living, she is playing her game, you continue to play your game of life.
     
  6. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    As much as i hate to admit. I keep telling myself the same. However the hardest part is that I feel like nothing happened... yet its over..

    I just can't see how a normal human.... could give up everything... 7 years of a perfect relationship... overnight. That's new to me, and is just blowing my mind.
     
  7. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I'm not busting your balls over this, truly I'm not, but the signs had to have been there. Either she deserves an Academy Award, or you willfully shielded yourself from the truth.

    Now I'm saying this not to hurt you but so that you can learn from it. The signs were there. Think about it. And why is this important? Because learning to see more clearly helps you take steps to avoid a repeat occurance. The earlier you can recognize something, the easier it is to deal with it.

    An asteroid 10 years away from a collision course with Earth can be redirected with a small nudge.
    Wait till its 1 day away, and it's impossible to alter its course.
     
  8. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Honestly I did cover up things that were said. She flat out said that work is her #1 priority right now, and she doesn't have time for love. In those exact words, so all she could ask of me was to wait. She didn't want to break up with me.. but to wait. I found this massively selfish... however over n over, I found myself reevaluating myself, that maybe I was the one being selfish and not letting her do what she wants. But I see most relationships being like 50/50 or 60/40.. 60 being the guys part normally... I can honestly say near the end... it was 99/1... me being the 99.

    I also didn't mention, that i am good friends with her brother, and her brother tells me all the time what she tells him when they talk... and she always tells him that I'm the one she wants to be with... yet she wants to succeed at work... so basically she was trying to juggle both, couldn't handle it, and only caught the job part of her life, while i fell to the floor.
     
  9. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    No offense... but this all sounds like oversimplified bullshit. It doesn't work that way, binary style: work or boyfriend... hmmm... work. Humans are not binary computers at this level.

    You're missing about 100 pieces. Time to do some thinking.
     
  10. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    You know. It's fucked. I don't mind moving on, however I just feel like it's 7 years down the drain because of a job? I would much rather have lost her to someone else... or something else... but a job? Seriously... :wtf: Ahh fuck it.
     
  11. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Its not because of a job. And its not 7 years down the drain...

    IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT MORE, FIGURE OUT THE SIGNS, AND LEARN TO READ WOMEN BETTER.

    Relationships are about fucking up, and learning. Apparently you haven't done enough in the fucking up department, and have alot of learning to do.
     
  12. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I think there's more to it than that.

    Even successful corporate attorneys that work 70 hours a week manage to have relationships. I know a few doctors just starting out and they get put through the meatgrinder with 14 hour days, and they still manage to have relationships.

    It can't be simply work first. There has to be.
     
  13. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Theres no other signs. Up to the point she started this job with her brother, we had no problems. It's just that this job sucks up so much time, and she wants to succeed so bad, that she spends all her time, as well as her brother, trying to be successful in this field.

    All I did was gave her the time to pursue what she wants to do...

    Maybe I'm blind, but I don't see how I fucked up here.

    There is more to it, from her brother, he told me that she has a way of not expressing feelings well... due to their parents seperation early on... i think she was 8 or so.. and since then she changed.... i think this is the missing link im missing here... but i obviously can't do anything about her personal feelings as far as this goes...
     
  14. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Also her drive to succeed... comes from her family always having some type of financial problems... which is why she is trying everything in her power to save money to retire her mom, etc. Which is actually why both of them are striving so hard...
     
  15. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    I think the missing link is her brother.
     
  16. Insatiable

    Insatiable ..........................

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    Similiar thing happened to me.

    My BF/best friend of 6 years left me because he wanted to focus on school. Fed me all kinds of bullshit about needing to get through school, because he felt it was his last chance to make something of himself and be someone that I would be proud to be with (um.. hello, I already was..). Blah blah blah.. I come to find out, he's actually interested in some woman in his program, and that she was playing all sorts of games to pull him away from me.

    I hope that isn't exactly the case for you, it just adds to the pain. I understand everything you're thinking though.. not being able to understand, trying to find a reason, etc. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

    Keep your head up.
     
  17. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Her brother actually saved our relationship from ending in the past by talking to her... so i can't see him as an object to blame.
     
  18. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    If you have no more insight into this situation than this... then noone can help you.

    Do you at least see that the career thing is bullshit?
     
  19. thepornokid

    thepornokid New Member

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    my god you have good advice :eek3:
     
  20. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    I know, that if she really wanted our relationship to work, she could MAKE time. Which is the subject of our argument... However she didn't even want to do that. So yes I see it as bullshit.
     
  21. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    So its not about the career. She got tired of you. She doesn't want you anymore. Suddenly you're not an asset. You're holding her back. This didn't happen overnight, unless you put her in a headlock and made her eat feces. There were signs. You missed them. Please refer to Johan's advice.
     
  22. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    This is gonna be rough.
     
  23. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Dude... not to be too harsh, but how can you have a girlfriend for 7 years, and not marry her? Anytime I hear of 5+ year "relationships" not working out its like... duh. Marry her or move on.
     
  24. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    We wanted to get married. Her mom did not allow it. Her mom said that the age we should get married is like 27-29... that any age before that is too young...
     
  25. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    By the way... her career is very important to her... how's yours going? What is your profession, and what is your education?
     

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