MIL Oaths of enlistment...this is fucking funny

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Zee, Mar 21, 2007.

  1. Zee

    Zee New Member

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    Oaths of Enlistment
    All persons, on entering the Military Service, and also on re-enlistment,are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. However, due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has also under-gone marked changes and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Office of the Joint Chiefs of Staff:

    US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
    I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED
    STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and I am afraid of water over waist deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do perform any real exercise, but promise to always defend our bike-riding test as a valid measure of physical fitness. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than the other branches of service, and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact.
    After completion of my "Basic Training" I will be a lean, mean,
    donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an honest effort to clean my knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!
    Signature ____________________ Date

    US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
    I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day, even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine
    because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-5 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of Basic Training, I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Basic, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished.
    I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to "Company." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me
    God!
    Signature _____________________ Date

    US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
    I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim... why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1896 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during
    the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, ladder, cover, scuttlebutt, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, stairs, hat, drinking fountain, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around
    0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!
    Signature ______________________ Date

    US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
    I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear... ...uhhhh....
    high-and-tight.... grunt...cammies.... kill... ...unngh...Air Force have
    the good lookin' WOMEN! HOORAH!
    Signature __________________ Date _________________

    :rofl:
     
  2. bloodred83

    bloodred83 im in ur cost gard, savin' ur boatz

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    No Coastie oath no care.

















    Although the Navy one reads like it could work for the CG too
     
  3. J

    J Active Member

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  4. Jyokker

    Jyokker The trouser snake is very aggressive. It will corn

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    404 bike test not found.
     
  5. Zee

    Zee New Member

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    That was back in the 90's (fuck Im showing my age) :o
     
  6. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

    :eek4: :eek4: I had these guys in my house.... in groups :noes: :noes:
     
  7. carpet muncher

    carpet muncher New Member

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    :rofl: @ USMC oath
     
  8. PlutoBHG

    PlutoBHG New Member

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    gangbang? :naughty:
     
  9. Twisted STi

    Twisted STi All wheel or no wheel OT Supporter

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  10. Drunken Karnie Midget

    Drunken Karnie Midget In Yeo We Trust, All Others Pay Cash OT Supporter

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    Army rules for dating Daughters:

    Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
    Rule Two
    : You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
    Rule Three
    : I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
     
  11. xevresII

    xevresII New Member

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  12. RoblesGT

    RoblesGT [Track Days: 19 ][Crashes: 1] [SuMo Days: 1 ][Cras OT Supporter

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    USMC one is too long
     
  13. Twisted STi

    Twisted STi All wheel or no wheel OT Supporter

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    we deserve the new forum subtitle, no?
     
  14. Schadenfreude1

    Schadenfreude1 New Member

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    I am USAR (nurse corps) but prior navy... i still use navy modes of address and it makes people fucking crazy. "Aye, Aye, sir". "Attention on deck." :mamoru:
     
  15. RoblesGT

    RoblesGT [Track Days: 19 ][Crashes: 1] [SuMo Days: 1 ][Cras OT Supporter

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    :rofl:

    yarly
     
  16. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    Shop parties :) (aka drunken food & beer feasts)
     
  17. Zee

    Zee New Member

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    Shop parties eh ;)

    C'Mon we all know how military members get when they've had too much sauce and there are women around :naughty:


    BTW the AF oath is wayy wrong.....Im out on Aircraft all day pushing cargo keeps me chisled for the ladies :big grin:
     
  18. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    Being the "Mom", they were too skurred to mess with me. They knew they'd never get another home cooked meal if they ticked me off too much :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2007

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