not jaded yet, just hurt....

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Snuffit, Feb 23, 2008.

  1. Snuffit

    Snuffit still have alot of learning to do

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    well, first off this will be long. As you can tell, im a lurker, but today ive got to vent a bit (im sorry if this isnt appropriate lock and delete it if you must mods). Im not sure if i even have a question, but i guess im looking for help, maybe someone to say i did the right or wrong things, or someone to give me ideas how to get help for me and my daughter, cause we're gonna need it now..

    background.
    Me and my ex fiance (as of last night) started dateing 3 years ago, we were pretty much perfect for each other, and ended up living together at 6 months. (dumb i know) Around 9 months i asked her to marry me. (shoulda waited longer for that one) Now up untill this point, she had been a hard working girl, who liked to party with me, hung out with friends, just was in general a nice normal happy 21 year old. At about a year she got preggers, yes she was on the pill, but it happens, it was a risk i knew about and cause of it ive got a daughter that i love very much right now. But once she got pregnant, her drive stoppped, not just sex drive, just everything... she slept in and got fired from her job, and i became the person supporting us.
    After my daughter was born, she still didnt get a job for a while, which i was ok with, because she was doing the whole stay at home mom thing. Then she tired of staying at home so she started working at a local IHOP.
    This is where the first problem started, while working there she had to work some overnights. On one of these shifts she met a guy, and ended up sleeping with him at a later time, they kept in contact with txt messages and when she was at work. I found out about this sometime later, and we had a big fight over it, which ended with us talking it out, and me staying with her (dumb move again i know).
    As of last night
    She now works at a factory, has for about 6 months or so, shes supposted to get off at 12, but on some nights she said shes working overtime and getting off at 2... last night i checked the bank account (something she normally controlled) and noticed all of her checks had been the same for the last month or so (during this time shes been working "overtime") so i called out to the factorys main office and found out, they dont have a 12-2 overtime.... so i called her out on it, she claims shes been going to a friends house after work. After her previous fling, and knowing she works with guys pretty much all night, I got mad and asked to speak with this friend (whom ive never heard of) she denied it, and then claimed she wants a break to think about things. Now, ive got my daughter, and Im not really sure i want her mother back, shes lost all my trust.
    Im not sure exactly how im going to take care of my daughter at this point, but im going to try... my parents will help i know... i feel like crap, and really need out of the house for a while, but tonight ive gotta get Rori (my kid) from my mom, who watched her overnight for me last night... i just dont know what to do now....
    sorry this is such a rambled mess. ive been crying most of the time...:wtc:
     
  2. fray

    fray New Member

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    :hug: tough situation. it sounds like you're trying to keep your head about it, which is good, just try to hang in there. With family support, it'll be tough but you'll make it.

    just my $0.02 about the rest of it... do you think she suffered from post-partum depression, and did she ever talk to anyone about it? Even if you are through with her, she's still going to be spending time with your kid, so it might be worthwhile to get it looked into.

    If not post-partum depression, do you think she just freaked out after having the kid - like "too much too soon"! Or maybe something was going on earlier, but she was better at covering it up before you were living together? It's hard to say because you didn't really date that long before moving in and her getting pregnant. This could just be her nature, but she was in between "honeymoon phases" up until the pregnancy.

    Any other Vag'ers with knowledge, is it possible to have a hormonal imbalance affecting behavior after pregnancy?

    I don't know. Even if you are through with her, I'd try to get her in to see someone because she's still going to be responsible for your kid at some point and you need her sane and responsible for that.
     
  3. CaiWooBlue

    CaiWooBlue New Member

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    It sounds to me as if she had post partum depression and didnt know how to deal with it. She may not have realized what was wrong with her, or that anything actually was, she just knew that she was unhappy. Her cheating on you was her way of trying to change this depression (not that it excuses it). More than likely if that is how she chose to deal, rather than sitting down with you and discussing things, she had a history of doing this before you/before the pregnancy.

    Post partum depression can last years. Its not always a 6 week after the baby is born, BAM back to your normal self. Most women who get it already have some sort of depression issues already, whether they realize it or not.

    You can't force her to get help, though honestly, zoloft works wonders for this, even though she's your kid's mom. Unless you feel the depression would cause her to harm or neglect your child, there is no reason to ask a judge to do it, because without those circumstances, they wont force her.

    So really, you take what support is given to you through your family and you make it work. You don't need her in your life any more than she has to be because if your kid. It is going to be hard, but you WILL make it work. Let your parents know that you are a mess and that you may need a bit of time to yourself, more than normal, to make sure that you are all there when you are with your kid. Thats what is important.

    I am a mom by the way, who experienced PPD and still battles it at times and a half years later. It isn't an excuse for her behavior, but it may well be a reason.
     
  4. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    watch the pursuit of happyness, its a true story so it should boost you up a bit.

    it is possible, its hard, but it can work. good luck. and good job getting her away from a mom like that, sounds like your daughter will be much better suited with you as a role model.
     
  5. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    :hug:

    Keep your chin up man. It's tough, I know, but with time things will get better and you'll find a routine which will make it a little easier.

    Whatever you do, though, do not, I repeat, DO NOT take this woman back. If you don't listen to any advice we give you, listen to this. I promise you you will regret it if you do. I know it's going to be a hard road for you, and I imagine once she gets to talking to people and finds out how much child support she can get, she'll probably come back gunning for custody. If I were you, I'd document the time you have her (get a notebook and keep documented records of the time you have your daughter and the expenses and everything). Trust me, do it. Even if you don't understand it, do it. It only takes a minute to write down a few details everyday about having your daughter and the expenses involved and babysitting, etc. You'll be glad you did it someday when you find yourself in a custody battle.

    Or, it may be overkill. I could be exaggerating, but what would you be out? Some notebook paper. It's worth it to do it, so start today and keep clear records. I promise you you won't regret it.

    Other than that, good luck man. I know how hard it is. When my wife split, I pretty much had the kids more than she did while holding down two jobs at the same time. To say that it was difficult is an understatement, so I know what you are going through.

    Do not take her back. Limit contact with her AS MUCH as possible. I didn't start "healing" until I only dealt with my ex as a "business" transaction and only talked about the kids and ignored everything else. So limit your contact with her to JUST ABOUT THE KIDS. Because it doesn't help to sit and argue about it. It may take you a while to realize this too, but you'll realize it eventually.

    I promise you, that one year from now, you'll be in much better shape so long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward and leaving her behind you.

    Good luck man.
     
  6. toroweedeater1

    toroweedeater1 New Member

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    1st off Viper: Much respect to you bro.


    Snuffit: Well man im just going to piggy back on what everyone else is saying. Do not take her back. Past performance will will show future performance. If nothing else she completely disrespects you and betrayed you at the highest level. You think she will ever look at you the same....NO. Your focus needs to be you daughter through all of this, as well as healing from this situation. People will sympathize with you, but many will not put up if you if you don't learn from this relationship. I can see you can see some of the mistakes you may have made early in the relationship, just learn from it and be there for your daughter. I have not been in you situation but have seen this many times being in the military and helped people get through it. And Viper is another good source for you and im sure he wouldn't mind a coulpe PM's to help you get through this. Good luck.
     
  7. Kleine Maus

    Kleine Maus New Member

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    Put yourself and your daughter first. You will find happiness again, even if it doesn't seem realistic at this moment.
     
  8. HuskiRuski

    HuskiRuski Cardinal Fan

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    the bad news is that she sucks and you're in a rough spot.
    the good news is that your decision is an easy one: end this relationship, get custody, and never see her again.
     
  9. mavfan1

    mavfan1 Active Member

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    man..sucks for sure. every time i am out and see a hot girl and would love to hook up with her, i always think about how terrible it would be to know what my gf was cheating. makes it so easy to stay straight

    i can't imagine being lied to with a child being involved...fuck cheaters
     
  10. Vino

    Vino Guest

    Damn man. She cheated you when you guys had a kid together. That's down right low and I'd probably :wtc: to if this happened to me as well. I hope everything works out for ya. :hug:
     
  11. 2angelmd

    2angelmd New Member

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    Tough break man. I feel for you.

    Take comfort in raising your daughter to be the best person possible.

    My mom checked out when my dad died and it sucked. Had she put her energy into helping her kids she would have healed a lot faster and found a new purpose in life.

    Lot's of love to your daughter.
     
  12. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    sorry man.your gf is lucky you arent me. id already haev the divorce papers filed, then be suing for full custody

    that really sucks though man.... i hope you get through this

    and i would be out gettin drugs to plant on her/ anon tip her ass to the cops to make sure i win full custody....


    but thats not what you should do.... good luck gettin though all this
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2008
  13. tqpolo

    tqpolo ***** Platinum Member OT Supporter

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    I dont' have any advice for you. If I were you I'd be lost too. Good luck, bro. She doesn't deserve you. One day you'll find somebody you can dedicate to and she'll do the same for you. :hug:
     
  14. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    I would cut off ties with her completely. File for divorce and for sole custody of your child. :hs:
     
  15. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    I'm sorry to hear that, it must be a very difficult thing to go through and come to terms with; but you do know you got yourself into this and only YOU can get yourself out; you jumped the gun, on this flake, unfortunately she is a bit of a slut.

    You need to get rid of her ASAP, drop it like it's (BURNING hot)

    Get on with your life; focus on yourself and your daughter,

    This woman is a a liar, she's not going to change, your daughter does not need this in her life either.

    Good luck.

    Sounds to me like she was young/immature; and you hardly KNEW her... Don't buy into the PP depression bullshit, her lazying around, cheating on you and lying to you has no fucking excuse; end of story. People who are depressed can get OUT of depression, should they actually wish to.

    She's obviously nothing but bad news, there is nothing more to say. Next time get to KNOW someone before you jump the gun.
     
  16. 2angelmd

    2angelmd New Member

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    If you're not a doctor this is bad advice.

    Depression happens for many reasons, not all of which are the persons choice. The choice to get out of depression is often actually impaired by the depression.

    She may have other stuff going on but clinical depression and post partum are different beasts that should be dealt with/ understood with the help of doctors.
     
  17. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    I think you greatly overestimate Western Science/Psychiatry and pharmaceuticals..... How did pioneers or anyone else deal with pp / depression until it became such a huge craze? why is it so prevalent only in the West. Depression is a part of life, in the West especially for many reasons; however, it does not take rocket science to deal with it; it takes will/desire.

    I have suffered through depression for a great majority of my life; I also get very bad weather depression ie) winter/gray .... Guess what, I'm much better now than EVER, b/c of choices I have made; conscious choices to help myself.

    Doctors/Pills, will only take you further down the rabbit hole.

    Besides, this is not an issue of depression, cheating is NOT an issue of depression; if you wish to say it is, than you are a moron. This issue is that he jumped the gun with a woman he barely knew! Now he has to suffer the consequences; and hopeful find enough backbone to move on with his life and leave her OUT, thus learn from this situation and ensure it does not repeat itself.
     
  18. 2angelmd

    2angelmd New Member

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    It's still bad advice if you're not a doctor.

    Where is it written that depression only happens in the west?

    Have you ever had post partum?

    How long did it take you to start making conscious choices to help yourself?

    I'm not saying she doesn't have other stuff going on. As a matter of fact I said she may. But your advice about ignoring post partum and that people can just make a choice to get out of depression is misleading and poor advice.

    You say you get weather depression yet you have suffered with depression for a great majority of your life, why don't you just get out of the weather depression?
     
  19. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    I can not say that I am 100% over weather depression or unaffected by it, I will say however that I have had MUCH success with helping myself alleviate it, almost to it not affecting me.

    Regardless, what do you think a doctor can do? except for prescribe some bogus medication that will likely only cause more pain than harm?
     
  20. Snuffit

    Snuffit still have alot of learning to do

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    well, thank you all for your help...
    as for my situation, i spent this weekend packing everything i owned into a my durango, and moved... me and my daughter now live with my grandmother... (shes the closest person to where i live, so i can continue to work).
    As for my ex, well...shes now got her clothes, an empty appartment, and a restraining order against her and two of her friends... she didnt take me packing everything and leaving very well, and her friends tried to beat me up, sadly for them, the guy who lived next to me is a young police officer, who i happened to play ps3 with a few nights a week, he came when he heard the shouting...

    I guess now i rebuild eh? I miss not having a person to talk to, someone who i can share everything with...but ill get used to it, ive got my daughter, a warm place to live, a job, and my fam + friends...so life goes on..

    you know, i see alot of people on this board (not the vag, just off topic in gerneral) and realise how jaded and spitefull they are. this confuses me still, i never wished her harm, i never will, i dont understand why she did what she did, probably never will, but i honestly dont hate her for it. Maybe i just want to see the good in people...
    im sure ill have more questions as time goes on.
    Thank you all for your support
     
  21. 2angelmd

    2angelmd New Member

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    Best of luck man. Pass that kind understanding attitude on to your daughter.
     
  22. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    I'm glad to hear... All shall be much better soon! and you will find someone much more worth while; just don't jump the gun, you deserve better!
     
  23. HuskiRuski

    HuskiRuski Cardinal Fan

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    you're the man. seriously.
    you've made the right decision and have an awesome attitude about it. good for you.
     
  24. Snuffit

    Snuffit still have alot of learning to do

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    ah no...
    my attitude isnt probably as good as it seems, im down, way down...
    Im normally talkative and happy, always willing to help. today i just felt like i should have stayed in bed. ive felt this way since friday night.
    Just my outlook on life hasnt changed, hopefully never will. and as for my daughter, shes happy and playful as ever... but i almost cracked today while she ran around going mommy mommy mommy....
     
  25. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Snuffit, don't expect miracles; what matter is you are being active in making the right choice and sticking by it. Your attitude/emotional levels will heal, give it time. Be active, go out and enjoy your life; take your mind off things... Friends now are required more than ever! keep busy.
     

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