SRS Not getting the Christmas Spirit at all this year

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by The Green Bastard, Dec 16, 2008.

  1. The Green Bastard

    The Green Bastard Click click click bang

    Joined:
    May 7, 2002
    Messages:
    80,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sunnyvale, Nova Scotia
    This will be our first Christmas as husband and wife, and I was really hoping it would be something special.

    Over the years, I've had some shitty christmases. In 2002, My Mother's mother Died on Dec 3rd, and her husband died on Dec 24. 3 Years ago My last boss's dad died on Dec 5th.

    The year before I was born, my Dad's mother died on Dec 24.

    So growing up, christmas was a somber occasion. Especially with a headcase sister who liked to fuck things up.

    3 weeks ago, my dad died.

    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=4020552

    My mom is devastated. They were married 50 years in August. She's having trouble coping with the extra time she has, and how quiet the house is.

    She is never one to be full of christmas spirit. But this year is so sad. She doesn't think she'll put up a tree or decorate, or anything. My wife told me that she won't go there for xmas supper if there's no tree -- it won't be fair to the kids. That kind of hurt. Christmas is mostly for the kids, but there's extenuating circumstances this year. Grief.

    But I don't know what to do about my mother. I'm very close, and my dad and I were really tight. I don't like the thought of mom waking up to an emoty house on Christmas morning.

    I'm an emotional basket case these past 2-3 weeks.
     
  2. amourdoux

    amourdoux New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2008
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Jersey
    can you have her over your house for Christmas maybe? Do something nice for her?

    My mom passed away 10 years ago next month. Christmas hasn't been the same since without her, but I try to get in the spirit as much as I can to let her memory live on. So I know how it is...
     
  3. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2005
    Messages:
    13,722
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    at your mom's house. be back later.
    :hug: I'm so so sorry for your loss, Green Bastard. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this time of year must be for you, especially now. Maybe you and your wife can do something with your mom and start a new Christmas tradition of sorts. :dunno:

    Take it easy on yourself this year :hs: My thoughts are with you :hug:
     
  4. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Me either, no spirit. I'm too fucked up. I mean I'm alone 95% of the time, the other 5% I'm sitting at a dinner table eating with the only two people I come in contact with 99% of the time, and who the fuck am I going to entertain with decorations and tree trimming?

    Fuck that, life is hard, and while I love the idea of happy holidays and such, that isn't my reality. I mean, I can be "content and accepting" of my situation since I can't do more than I am to change it, but the holidays just poke at me like a stick. Family members expectations rise, people expect me to show up for that once or twice a year family holiday, and when I don't -- because I'm sick -- they get all pussy hurt and then punish me for "disappointing" them. Guilt trips -- shit, I don't even like taking a trip to the bathroom, it's exhausting just to move.

    They poke and poke and poke until finally I explode into anger. It's one thing to blame me for not showing up, and it's another for me to feel angry for being blamed for something I would "like" to do, if I weren't in the situation I were in.

    The even more fucked up part is, you would think that being sick would earn you understanding and patience, that people would forgive your inability to be there, but let me tell you something, it doesn't work that way in reality for a lot of people.

    Truth is, I don't disappointment anyone. They do. If my girlfriend where here, I'd do it for her, but beyond that, it'll just be me and my cat Chief. As far as the guilt trips, If I'm going to take any trip it'll be a cruise, they can keep their spare ticket, I'm going to relax in peace.

    That felt good to get off my chest.

    The world isure is a place of shades of grey. You can't just "fix" everything, and this is one of those things.
     
  5. RyRy

    RyRy Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2005
    Messages:
    18,067
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Margaritaville
    I can't seem to get in the mood for Christmas this year. I'm always one of those "crazies" when it comes to this time of the year, always decorated inside and outside of the house, put some garland in my truck, etc. So far I've managed to put up a tree but I haven't even plugged in the lights or decorate it this year. :hs:
     
  6. The Green Bastard

    The Green Bastard Click click click bang

    Joined:
    May 7, 2002
    Messages:
    80,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sunnyvale, Nova Scotia
    My brother mentioned that he's going to put her tree up in the next few days -- he lives 5 min away, I live 45 min away.

    We thought of asking her over for Xmas eve and day. I'm going to mention it again to my wife, and then suggest it to my mom.
     
  7. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2004
    Messages:
    60,415
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    So take a day off and go hang out with your mom and set up a tree. Start a new tradition of you spending a day with your mom.



    btw, what does your last boss's dad have to do with this? my co-worker's wife died on christmas day. that doesn't affect me at all. were you close?
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Well, life is what you make of it, you can have a wonderfull time including Christmas if you invest time and effort into making it a happy occassion,

    I personally think it would be best to do a lot of effort in your own house to make it really beautifull as a way to make your mom comfortable in your house. Just invite her over to your place this year and do something special for her. I think its best to bring over a lot of family so she won't feel so alone. Undoubtfully she won't be happy, but try to make it as comfortable for her as possible.
     
  9. lick wid nit wit

    lick wid nit wit Official OT Oracle

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2001
    Messages:
    7,432
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    LJDrama.org
    I've always hated Christmas. This year it's even worse because one of my friends was recently murdered and my best friend died of cancer a week ago.

    Christmas will never be the same for me and my mother just can't understand that. My family is dysfunctional as hell.
     
  10. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2008
    Messages:
    27,527
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lexington, KY
    :hug: I'm in the same boat too. My parents recently moved to California, and I recently took a temp job promotion to make some more money. They aren't coming to michigan for xmas, and they won't pay the $600 for me to fly out there for only a few days. It's gonna be the first xmas that I'm pretty much by myself for.
     
  11. The Green Bastard

    The Green Bastard Click click click bang

    Joined:
    May 7, 2002
    Messages:
    80,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sunnyvale, Nova Scotia
    My boss's dad was like an uncle to me, same age as my dad pretty much, and him and my dad worked together for years, and they had a LOT of stories. :hs:
     
  12. The Green Bastard

    The Green Bastard Click click click bang

    Joined:
    May 7, 2002
    Messages:
    80,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sunnyvale, Nova Scotia
    I think I'll ask her tomorrow if she'd like to come here for the 24th & 25th. It might perk up her spirit a little. She's really close to my wife and stepson, too. :)
     
  13. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

    Joined:
    May 29, 2000
    Messages:
    49,189
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    Good idea. Being at home will only remind her of your dad and make it harder.
     
  14. Diesel Fumes

    Diesel Fumes Guest

    I don't like what Christmas has become. So this is a reason why I dont really get into the spirit. But if you want the spirit to return, I suggest you spend lots of time with your family and do nice things for them. Spend whole days with your mother. Have deep conversations with her about your own life. Make her feel appreciated.

    But I dont know. I understand how it can be hard for you.
     
  15. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2005
    Messages:
    16,539
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    KRAPROOM
    :hs: sorry for your loss.

    My dad died this year in the summer and it's already been hard to face the holidays. My mom got a smaller tree than normal (after saying she would get no tree) and I think it's made her feel more "normal." I think you should support your mom in her plans for xmas, and imo it's unfair for your wife to not be sympathetic to this.
     
  16. The Green Bastard

    The Green Bastard Click click click bang

    Joined:
    May 7, 2002
    Messages:
    80,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sunnyvale, Nova Scotia
    Oh god, I will NOT leave her alone, trust me.
     
  17. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2002
    Messages:
    19,344
    Likes Received:
    12
    Santa doesn't come by himself.

    Show up at her house. Set up a Christmas tree with her.

    Don't be afraid of a little audacity. We have a tendency to avoid negative people. Who can be more negative then the grieving? It requires sincere courage.

    As for your wife's opinion, that's hers, it holds no verdict over yours. There are two kings of your kingdom and no one is asking for a Queen, however the purpose of two kings is to keep each other in line.

    I think she is totally out of line with her request not to go to your mothers house. That is total garbage. Would she wish to be treated like that when your kids are gone, and you are dead?

    I am just telling you what you need to hear! Yes it will be uncomfortable for all of you, including the kids. As a child

    I remember many events I was reluctant to go to, without Christmas trees.

    Dad got us to dress good and just do it, or else.

    Just remember. You'll die, she'll live, and be alone on Christmas? Is that what you wish for your wife?

    No?

    Then why such a dilemma. Roll with the punches, take regard for your mother's suffering, and at least then you have the right to complain if your children SUCK.
     
  18. The Green Bastard

    The Green Bastard Click click click bang

    Joined:
    May 7, 2002
    Messages:
    80,426
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sunnyvale, Nova Scotia
    My mom was flattered to the point of tears when we asked her to come here for christmas, but she decided she wants to be in her own home that day, and is making a HUGE christmas supper. My next-oldest brother is taking off to Alberta in just over a week, so she wants the whole family together.

    And my wife got over her no-tree-no-visit mindset. She was having a real bad day trying to quit smoking. She's all for it now. :)
     
  19. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    As the day gets closer and closer I'm more and more unhappy.

    I just needed to express that. :(
     
  20. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2005
    Messages:
    97,795
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Calgary, AB
    I sort of know how you feel, but from the opposite side of the coin. My fiancee has been ill for several months now, and it gets hard for me to remember that she's in continual pain, and I find myself making requests of her which I shouldn't be.
     
  21. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    It's a tough place to be for everyone on all sides. I don't think anyone intends to hurt someone they care about -- I think life just hurts, and to overcome it we make the best decisions we can and we try to adapt our expectations and our choices to match the reality we live as well as we can.

    Just because people are sick like her and I -- doesn't mean the people who love us don't have needs and wants filled by us -- I think she would agree with me on that. We know how disappointing we are, sometimes we're more painfully aware than other times. Sometimes we can detach from it and just live in today and other days the stress and pressure of not being able to perform and thus feeling inadequate, in pain, unhappy and frustrated can consume us.

    In the end, we still hurt those we love, whether sick or not. I'm sure my situation with my family -- though they don't understand -- hurt them a lot, because through their eyes, they must see the world entirely differently. I don't fill their needs, I don't meet their expectations, I don't do a lot of things that I would do if I was able to, but they don't know that. They think it's a choice that I don't keep in touch, or that I some how want it to be the way it is.

    I'm the type of person who doesn't quit, but on some issues, when you're in check-mate, you're in check mate, you have to just accept certain fights can't be won, and move onto battles that can be. You've gotta know when to hold em' and know when to fold em' -- Kenny Rogers style, you know?

    With me and my family, I just can't build the bridges that would be necessary to meet the expectations of those that feel the way they do (abandoned, angry, hurt etc). They won't meet me halfway, and even if they did, the well would run dry not long after.

    I feel so bad saying these things, -- as if it's so negative and pessimistic, and yet..... I know it's the inevitable truth. The chasm that divides us is too enormous.

    Not everything can be fixed, but at least the kindest thing a friend can do is just sit there silently with you -- it's then that you know you're not alone while suffering. I wish I had more of that. :wtc:

    I'll get through this, but this holiday has certainly brought up some very painful things for me. Accepting the unacceptable has never been my best quality -- if that paradox makes sense in this context.
     
  22. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2007
    Messages:
    11,400
    Likes Received:
    0
    Well it went as predicted -- I went to dinner even though I felt very sick. I put on an act and stayed the day with people I don't like. I felt judged, I felt miserable, I felt like I was in some kind of yuppie hell. I'm certain that if I were ever to go to hell, this would be what it would be like.

    I can't stand my brother or his cunt wife. I feel guilty for feeling this way, and I'm resentful as hell, and I'm praying constantly for help to let it go. I am really really really trying. I'm sick and I'm dealing with the issues of a difficult past. That's a big burden to shoulder for me.

    I just keep failing. I don't want to be resentful because I know that all it does is damage me. It's so frustrating to feel a certain way and to not know how to deal with it. I practice what I preach, and so I'm trying to "let myself" feel what I feel, but that doesn't seem to work. I talk about it in counseling, and I make a serious effort. I tried writing him a letter and I expressed everything I felt, and then he and I talked about it a few years ago. It seemed to go over well, but I still haven't been able to get through it. It's all the euphemisms, the put downs, the judgment, the anger.

    Let me break it down for you.

    My brother and I have separate fathers. My brother's father left his life very early and my mother remarried. My father raised my brother and I. My father sexually, physically, mentally and spiritually abused both my brother and I. He was also an alcoholic. I got therapy early on, and I reported my father around age 9 for what he'd been doing to me. My brother is 12 years older than I am. He never went to therapy. Over 20 years have passed, my father has been in treatment for that entire time because I reported him. He went to jail, and he was rehabilitated. He's been sober and continues his recovery to this very day.

    My brother hates me, because after all this time, even after what my father did, I forgave him and I now have a relationship with him. Mind you it took nearly two decades before I told him I forgave him. I was able to see the shades of gray, and recognized that he wasn't evil, he was just a man who was hurt badly and then he hurt others badly. That's often what happens to us in this life. I'm not naive I know there are sick murdering psychos out there, and it's true that my fathers behavior was awful, damaging and it was criminal but life goes on, he's not the person he was, I'm not the person I was.

    My brother thinks that because I now spend time with my father, that I'm a pedophile, and he doesn't want me seeing my nephews, yet at the same time, he wants to "appear" like he's ok, that he's able to live a normal life, and so he puts on the perfect dinners, with the perfect cloths in the perfect house and talks about his perfect job. He invites his "family" even though he feels this way. It's a total traditional passive aggressive way of coping for him. To handle his suffering, he sought a life that reflected what he wanted the world to see. That he is better than everyone else, that he has it together, that he's able to "rise above" and forgive. To others it "appears" that way, but not to me when I'm there. Him and his wife send the message very clearly that they dislike me, my mother, and my mother's partner. Yet, we all go when invited! It's sick.

    My mother, who I live with as a result of having a chronic disabling illness, "begs" me to go with her. I live on the second floor in a separate apartment. She wants her "family" to be together. She wants to reform a relationship with my brother, even though my brother is still extremely angry with her -- for allowing my father to do what he did for as long as he did. In other words, he's angry because she didn't protect him and keep him safe. All of these are valid reasons, and I understand to some degree the suffering he's endured and going through now -- I mean I'm not him, but.....I can imagine being the older child. Even while I know all of this, I can't let go. If I don't go to these dinners, she makes sure to inform me of how awful it is that I didn't go, and she holds on like a rabid pit-bull. She tells me how disappointed everyone was, and that they missed me (i.e. you fucked everything up) She doesn't do it in obvious direct ways, but rather indirect and manipulative ways.

    So if I go, I suffer (because I don't seem to be able to detach or let go of resentment), and if I don't go, I can't seem to detach from the guilt trips and the lectures.

    It seems so juvenile to even tell this type of story and to not be able to solve my own problem, but it is what it is.

    Cliff Notes Went to my brothers for Christmas. My brother resents me and my mother but still invites us. When we go he belittles us, judges us, insults us and so does his wife -- but in subtle toxic ways. I resent them for treating me that way, and If I go I suffer, if I don't go I suffer. The details of why I suffer are in the larger story, but suffice it to say: It's complex and I'm emotionally and intellectually unable to cope with or solve this seemingly simple solvable situation, though I've made a very large effort to do so.

    If I was healthy I would work harder to love and connect with my brother, even if I thought it was always going to be a one way street. I'd be physically and emotionally stronger and able to take the blows and to communicate my feelings directly and consistently. Under this condition I'd be able to see my nephews and be apart of their lives, even if my brother and I couldn't reconcile.
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2008
  23. illectronic

    illectronic I'm Coming Home OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2005
    Messages:
    16,950
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Brooklyn
    I have had issues with members of my extended family... not to that degree of course. I was insulted numerous times by my cousin's husband, until one time I blew up in his face. Now he doesn't dare say shit to me and everything is honkey dorey. I feel bad that you're immediate family isn't getting along. My brother's didn't talk for a year because their wives were fighting. It's nice to have everything good now for a change. Personally, my relationship was always good with my immediate family...except when I was using... and I don't mean to sound like a dick, but reading this thread made me appreciate that I can actually have meaningful conversations with my parents and brothers whenever I want.
     
  24. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2002
    Messages:
    59,957
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Go Dodger Blue!
    I had Christmas at home with my parents and my uncle. It was uneventful, but better than doing nothing. The day before I hung out with my cousins and had dinner with them. Plus I saw most of my family so that was cool. Everyone is always usually really cool around Christmastime because we used to all celebrate together. People asked my mom if she was doing anything but she told them no.

    I was invited to go to a cousin's dinner but I figured that I might as well enjoy my white Christmas at home. Next year however I am not doing this 3-4 person dinner again.
     
  25. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2005
    Messages:
    20,480
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    My grandma passed away a week before christmas... fucking sucks.
     

Share This Page