Not doing too well

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by rebel, Feb 3, 2009.

  1. rebel

    rebel Manchester United > All

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    Girl and I have been dating 1 year 3-4 months or so now.

    I was an idiot a few months ago and pushed her away to the point that we needed to take a break. I just just retarded, and numb, and oblivious to what I was actually doing. So we decided to take a break and I finally realized how retarded I had been and made a complete 360 degree turn around. I changed everything she had ever said I was doing wrong and all the things I had done that had hurt us. Anyways, during the break, its still kinda been like we've somewhat been dating. She still stays over here a couple nights a week, occasional sex, still kiss etc. etc. Anyways, somehow this weekend she's got it in her head that she still loves me and doesn't want to close the door on us forever, but feels right now we work better as best friends. She's even told me that I'm the closest person in the world to her. I've talked to a few of her friends and they all tell me that they all think she still loves me, and that she doesn't even check out guys or w/e when they go out... but I'm so scared of losing her forever... The past 3 days I've had anxiety attacks like no other to the point where I've barely been able to eat at all. I finally had to goto the health center and get a prescription for anxiety to calm me down.


    OT, I don't know what to do. We are each others first loves and we're both about 3/4 of the way the college and have even discussed wanting to get married and such. I just... I can't lose her, this isn't some relationship that you'll find another fish in the sea or whatever... this girl is perfect for me. I don't know what to do to show her that we're meant to be together and not just "best friends." This is absolutely killing me.
     
  2. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    edit - I misread your post and just realized it now, but I'm leaving my reply up anyway

    I dated a girl for 3 years in college who I should have married, and she wanted to marry me, and we had discussed it. She was perfect: brilliant, had my awesome sense of humor, made fun of the same types of people I did, good taste in music, identical sense of humor, fantastic in bed, etc. etc. exactly on my wavelength.

    But she was my first for everything. Near the end I felt like she was smothering me so I pushed her away a bit (which obviously made her want me more).

    Finally we broke up. In every subsequent relationship she was the girl to whom I compared everyone (and everyone fell short).

    It wasn't a case of me having some exaggerated memory of her, because I was the one who dumped her (hardest thing I've ever had to do, btw). It was just she was better than every other girl in every way, and it took me 5 years of relationships with other girls to realize that.

    Anyway, now she's married and is pregant, so I lose.

    Altho my current gf is the first woman I've dated since I broke up with her who I haven't subconsciously thought fell short, so that's good.

    I don't care what everyone in the Vag said in that one thread, everyone DOES subconsciously compare every current SO to every previous SO. (I think in a thread once like 90% of people lied and said they didn't).

    Anyway my current SO is awesome, but it took me forever to find someone who was on the same level as the girl I'm talking about in this thread.

    So if you have something awesome with this girl, I can tell you "don't be a douche and fuck it up because you're curious what else is out there," but you won't take that advice (neither did i when I gave myself that advice years ago).

    You will fuck it up, and then years later you'll regret it when you can't meet anyone who is on your wavelength as much as your current gf.

    I can tell from the tone in your post that you're not content being with this chick right now, which is why I said you will fuck it up.
     
  3. rebel

    rebel Manchester United > All

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    I made the fucking mistake of being a douche and fucking it up because I did want to see what else was out there. But I don't give a fuck what else is out there this girl is fucking perfect for me.

    She has told me the door isn't closed on us forever. And we have classes together so I still see her a few days a week and we're really close so we still talk a lot... I just I have to win her back... I cannot lose her, this girl is the one for me.
     
  4. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    did you realize she was perfect before or after she told you she only wants to be friends?
     
  5. rebel

    rebel Manchester United > All

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    I knew she was perfect before.... I just went through a fucking stupid phase for a month or so where I was scared of committment in the future and staying with one girl.... then when we decided to take a break all of my feelings came back and I realized what a complete fucking idiot I was.
     
  6. rebel

    rebel Manchester United > All

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    I even gave her a promise ring that she still wears.

    I'm so fucking broke down from this, I can barely eat, I'm having anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. I cannot stop randomly crying.

    This isn't like me at all. Not only was she my girlfriend but she was my best friend in the entire fucking world and the person I turn to when everything falls apart and I can't goto her for this... I'm so fucking torn up inside.
     
  7. rebel

    rebel Manchester United > All

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    I mean we really were set on getting married after college.... then I pushed her away so hard she said I "almost" made her fall out of love with me and that I hurt her a lot.... but that she has seen how much I have tried to change and make a difference over the past month. We've met each others families and they love us. etc. etc.

    I am just absolutely devastated, I'm forcing myself to eat... I'm trying so hard to not call her or text her alot and leave her alone... but she even tells me that she can't go a day without talking to me.

    I just, I feel so strongly im on this thin line between us being best friends together, or getting back together.... I know all I need is one more chance with her and I won't fuck it up. I know I won't.
     
  8. rebel

    rebel Manchester United > All

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    And we took a few breaks while we were dating over the year+... but they were because when we first started dating, neither of us was ready for a relationship..... but we really have both changed each other and matured each other to where its so obvious to me now, that we're both ready to settle down and do this. All of the breaks and occasional fights we got in were shaping us to handle us settling down and doing this.
     
  9. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I don't really buy that you can know someone is perfect for you after just over a year. I get that you can know if someone is wrong for you in that amount of time, but no matter how great you think you are together, a year is nothing compared to the rest of your life. Best advice I can give you is- relax, stop trying to control the situation and just keep living your life.
     
  10. Specialist23

    Specialist23 OT Supporter

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    1. calm down.
    2. tell her how you feel.
    3. go from there.
     
  11. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    it sounds like you didnt want to actually be with her until she decided she didnt want to be with you, which makes me wonder, do you really miss HER or are you just scared to be alone?

    decide what you want to do. if you want to be with her, tell her. then let her deicde what she wants to do
     
  12. rebel

    rebel Manchester United > All

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    I know everyone is going to say you know, you took it too quick, you don't know she was right for you and this and that... and normally I'd agree.

    but... what we have is something special, I cannot explain it. I thought I had been in a love a few times before, but... my feelings for her and so much deeper and stronger than anything I've ever felt before or could even begin to describe.

    I know I made a giant mistake by pushing her away and I was a complete idiot. She knows how sorry I am for doing it too, but I also understand how much it hurt her and pushed her away. I can handle being friends or whatever and just hanging out with her.... but I need to know what to do to show her that we arn't mean to be friends, that we're meant to be together.. She has seen and has even commented on how hard I have been working and how much improvement I have made in the past month in fixing things and trying to show her this. She knows my intentions are not to be best friends but for us to get back together.... and I dont think she would of told me that she's not closing the door on us forever.


    Pretty much she is saying that pushing her so far away caused her to almost fall out of love with me and that it hurt her a lot.... and she wants so badly to get those feelings back and for us to be back together, but she can't force them back.

    I'd give anything if I could just know how to do that.
     
  13. rebel

    rebel Manchester United > All

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    I did, I wrote her a long note telling her how sorry I am and how miserable I feel about the whole thing, and how my intentions are for us to get back together and stuff... She says she isn't closing the door on us forever, but thinks we work better as friends right now.


    I just need to figure out a way to prove to her otherwise.
     
  14. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    you cant force her to feel anything again. the best you can do is tell her how you feel, what you want and leave it at that.

    the crazier you act, the more you will push her away
     
  15. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    you cant. just like she couldnt make you change your mind when you pushed her away and wanted to date other people. its her choice.
     
  16. rebel

    rebel Manchester United > All

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    Yeah your right.... I'm just scared of us working out fine as friends and her thinking that what we were meant to be.

    I need to prove to her that we are more than just best friends.
     
  17. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I don't mean to be cynical, man, but you sound like pretty much everyone I know when they were your age. Everyone thinks they've found the one at some point in their life- often times many times- but then at some point later reality comes crashing down. Good luck though. I've known some people that dated in college and got married and are still together. It's certainly possible. I don't think you can know after a year though. I thought my ex was the woman I'd spend the rest of my life with for years before I started to see things clearly. You're young and idealistic and in love. You're supposed to think she's the one and you'll live happily ever after. That's what infatuation is like. In my opinion, however, real love is something that develops over years.
     
  18. rebel

    rebel Manchester United > All

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    I know its ultimately her choice how she feels.



    but how can I show her that we work out better dating than being best friends?
     
  19. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    what if you are meant to be just friends? maybe that works better for her at this point, just like breaking up with her worked better for you at one point.

    learn from this. dont dump a girl you actually like.

    the more you try to grip her, the more she will want to get away
     
  20. rebel

    rebel Manchester United > All

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    So do I just start ignoring her completely?

    I'm just scared if it I do that its going to confirm in her mind that hey we do work better as friends.


    Where as if I kinda move on with my life, but still send her good morning texts / hang out / flirt and all that kinda stuff, maybe she'll see that and miss me?
     
  21. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    you cant. you already dated and so she already knows how that worked out. now shes trying the friend thing. if thats what she likes better, then thats all you get
     
  22. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    It's common for girls in her situation to try to have their cake and eat it too.

    Granted, you are the one that originally fucked up, but now that you have admitted it is your fault and are pleading sorry left and right she's going to take advantage.

    So now she has her "best friend" (meaning you) who is there for her, she still gets to have sex (with you), and still has someone to go to/rely on.
    In the mean-time she has everything she needs, but still won't get back into the relationship because she's not sure she wants to commit now... so she's taking her sweet ass time.

    IMO, the best thing you can do is sit down with her and tell her you are sorry, you are willing to change, and you love her. But also make clear that you can't just sit around while she makes up her mind (SHE NEVER WILL) so you need to go do your own thing. Cut off ties for a while, and tell her that if she wants you, she knows where to find you.. but it's all or nothing.
    This will force her out of her comfort zone of having her cake and eating it too and force her to make a decision... and if she really loves you, then that decision will likely be with you.
    She's had you as a b/f so now she's trying you as a friend... but for you, a friend is not good enough and right now you're giving her everything she wants. DON'T LET HER DO THAT. It is something TONS and TONS of girls do, and too often get away with. It's up to you to get yourself out of this. I know what you're thinking "I'd rather have her as a friend than not have her at all"... but that's just your fear attempting to reason with you... the more you play the "friend role" the worse it gets for you and you'll end up breaking down in the end.

    I went through something similar man. I dated a girl for years, treated her like crap, and put up a huge defense wall and pushed her away. I loved her deeply, but I was young and immature and refused to show I wanted to commit and was afraid of treating her "too" well. Eventually it all caught up with me and she ended. My world was destroyed to say the least. Just like you, I lost my g/f, companion, best friend, etc...
    Then we started doing what you're doing now. We hung out a couple times a week, had sex once in a while, were best friends, etc.... and it got me NO WHERE. She (much like your girl) was having her cake and eating it too. It wasn't until I FINALLY got the balls and courage to end the friendship and walk away that she came around. I told her I loved her, wanted to be with her, but I wasn't going to be an innocent by-stander anymore while she figured out what she wanted.
    We didn't talk for a couple months and all the sudden she came crying back calling me constantly saying she made a mistake and wants me and was wrong for trying to keep me waiting, etc...

    As for the anxiety, feeling like life is over as you know it, , etc... etc... it will pass. It will take a while, but for a relationship that was barely over a year you'll be fine... just keep yourself busy with hobbies and rediscover yourself while you wait to see what her move is in regard to your discussion over all-or-nothing.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2009
  23. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    be yourself. dont act like somene you are not just to "win her back" because you wont be the same person she decided to get back with. if its normal for you to text her and flirt with her, then do it. but if its not, dont be fake. you want her to like YOU, not who you are pretending to be.
     
  24. rebel

    rebel Manchester United > All

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    :bowdown: @ this post man.


    This is exactly what I want to avoid being her go to guy for sex/being there for her etc. I want her to want me as a boyfriend again, and not just know I am there for her...

    So I'm confused as to whether I try to include her in things I am doing, or invite her to come over and watch movies with me etc.... or if I just today stop texting and communicating with her unless she starts to talk to me.
     
  25. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    What you're trying to avoid, is what you've become. When the girl I was talking about broke up with me and we were "best friends" who fucked and cuddled she didn't see other guys either. She never slept with anyone, never even kissed another guy. But she liked having me around for all the "boyfriend" things like cuddling, sex, someone to tell her problems to, etc... but since we didn't have the title she was not obligated to see me a lot, she could spend more time with other friends, and she effectively had control over the entire fate of our "relationship" which was bullshit because that effectively gave her control over MY fate as well because I was so obsessed with getting her back.

    Here's the thing, without her you're lonely for a while and depressed... but at least you have your dignity and self-respect. As her friend, you have her, but you've lost the above two character traits and I PROMISE YOU it will get harder and harder to be her friend, especially when she starts talking to other guys... not date, but just talk. You find out she has a new male friend and it will drive you NUTS. but when you ask her about it, all the sudden you're not her b/f so it's none of your concern.
    I played the "friend" role (the same one you are playing now) for nearly a year and it was a huge mistake. It wasn't until I finally got fed up and sick of feeling like shit that I pulled myself up, and out of that situation and it was the best thing I could have done.
    FUCK THAT.

    Sit down with her... tell her that you love her, you are truly sorry about how you treated her, and you've realized your mistakes and ready to correct them IF SHE'LL GIVE YOU A CHANCE.

    Tell her you don't need an answer now, but in the mean-time you cannot keep being her friend because it hurts too much... so you need to cut off contact and tell her that if she wants to start treating you like a real boyfriend again she knows where to find you... but you WILL NOT wait around for her, and put your life on hold for her.

    I can't promise this will get her back, but it's your 100% best option in regard to what's best for YOU as well.
     

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