SRS not being good enough (LOONG READ AHEAD)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Outspoken_Hetero, Jan 18, 2006.

  1. Outspoken_Hetero

    Outspoken_Hetero New Member

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    Not being good enough

    Nobody really thinks about it but for me it’s been the story of my life.
    When I was younger my father left us to go and enjoy himself in a life of debauchery and crime, I was a child at the time but the only thoughts going through my head was that he left because there was something wrong with me cause I just wasn’t up to par.
    I was a kid what could I have been thinking right? But the rest of my life it manifested itself as being the ultimate truth to my existence.
    It proved that nothing I ever did would be good enough and it proved that I wasn’t good enough.
    To make friends I had to lie about everything I had to pretend to be things I wasn’t and pretend to have done things I’d never done like being good at sports or having things that nobody else had but even then my lies weren’t even enough I grew up separated from my friends even though I had them they didn’t even really know the real me and the fallacious me that they did know wasn’t that greatly liked in the first place.
    Due to this I had depression from about the time I was 6 which lead to becoming overweight
    The one momentary glimpse of happiness I had was when I made the basketball team in grade 11, for a brief period of my life someone thought I was good enough. I wasn’t better then the kids who got cut I wasn’t faster I wasn’t even smarter but my coach saw something in me something I couldn’t even see so he put me on the team.
    But then the summertime came around and he had gotten into university himself so he left the team behind to go to school.
    The one positive influence in my life disappeared on me and once again feelings came up inside of my inadequacy and inability to be good enough, even though there is no way that him leaving had anything to do with me it stirred the same feelings I had of my father and just not being good enough to make him stay.
    That summer I went through a period of heartbreak as well to add to the mess, I had fallen for my girl bestfriend me and her spent so much time together that I has fell head over heals for her after she broke up with her boyfriend I thought to myself "wow this is my shot" but then it happened again she found someone better then me, at the time I couldn’t admit it but it was true he was better taller better looking and just more cool then anything I could hope to be, once again I wasn't good enough to make the cut.
    Grade 12 my senior year came around I was still reeling from what had happened in the summer but I was dealing with it still struggling with the lies and fake fronts I had to put up in order to maintain my image I was emotionally depressed.
    Then it happened basketball season came around again we didn’t have a coach or a sponsor teach and last years team was still dazed by the disappearance of our coach, I stepped up to the plate took leadership responsibility and put things together I found us a sponsor teacher, lined up a coach for us and even got the seniors back together to play I had thought that all my efforts had achieved me something that I had a solid place on the team now...
    The coach didn't see it the same way and after the second practice he cut me.... How could this have happened everything I did to get the team together make it possible for us to play and he just cut me my senior team mates pretended to have been outraged but they never said a single word to him they didn’t even ask why I was cut I was cut and that was final.
    Again I didn’t blame the coach or my team it was the same inevitable thing that had plagued my entire existence I just simply wasn't good enough and nothing in the world would change that as hard as I tried it wouldn’t.
    I continued with school embarrassed and crush by what had happened but I still held my head up hoping somehow that things would get better…
    So I met this younger the summer before my senior year I started talking to her again after the basketball ordeal and eventually we ended up liking each other and hooking up once for a date she came to my school held onto me it was as if her being there validated my existence for that one day I felt that I was worth something then it all broke into pieces she stopped liking me almost instantly and started dating her ex-boyfriend from the same school as me again (both of them are younger then me)
    I was destroyed how could I lose again how could I not be good enough again this girl was younger then me older guys are supposed to have appeal damn it I had none though.
    My friend believed that we were still dating though and I held onto this lie somehow hoping it would still give me validity with my friends it did for a while but I think in the end everyone saw the truth and knew that even though I said we were together they all knew better.
    Once again my life lost direction so I wandered around again until graduation and then high school ended. Then somehow I fell for my bestfriend again this time it was different though she lead me to believe that I had a chance she would accept my sweet gestures she take all my flirtyness and flirt back even but then my life came crashing down again she met some random guy over the internet and started talking to him, the whole time she would tell me not worry about this guy that he was nothing she was just toying with him to get her confidence back, she was toying with someone but it wasn’t him.
    They started dating, in spite of everything that had happened the last time her knowing how hurt I was from it she deliberately played me, she wanted to see how far I could go and I went far very far but in the end it still wasn’t good enough I lost again.
    So being the glutton for punishment that I am me and the younger girl started talking again and getting friendly with each other and it lead to us getting closer and now were so close its like were dating, but she wont date me outright, we share things personal things private things she knows more about me then my bestfriend does but it still doesn’t change her mind she wont date me but she’ll be close with me fool around with me and even tell me she loves me…
    But inside I know she doesn’t inside I know that somehow I’m going to lose again that I’m destined to fail like I always do.
    To top it off even though you have all these abandonment issues with you father you expect to have you mother and the rest of your family support you not in my case, my mother hates something in me reminds her of my father and because of it my entire life she’s hated me I never had the things I needed never got the help and guidance of a parent even if I only had one I still didn’t get anything my brothers however were loved always loved they knew it as well.
    They both admitted to me that they saw what was going on they could tell my mother hated me they knew she resented me and now in my later years its more prevalent then ever regularly she tells me that I’m worthless that I’m a failure and that I’m no better then my father and that infact my father is better then I could ever hope to be…

    What’s left for me now, I know I’m young only 18 but its just that nothing in my life ever held out for me I never saw the positive end of anything ever to everyone who thinks they know me all they know is a lie and that lie doesn’t even sit with them well, to my family even my brothers share the same feelings as my mother now that so in a house full of people I’m completely alone.
    This little thing with girl is about to come to head and soon I’m going to come crashing down I can just feel it I know its going to happen there’s nothing that can stop it.

    What do you do when you’ve lost all hope when everything in the world tells you that your not enough that you best isn’t enough that lying to be even better then your best still isn’t good enough
    What do you do?

    My depression has increased dramatically in the last few months at times of extremes I’ve contemplated ending it all and just finishing this whole crappy existence once and for all but then what would that accomplish it would just be the cherry on the sundae that proved I wasn’t good enough for life either
     
  2. Broken5hift

    Broken5hift New Member

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    i know some close friends that have delt with things similar to what you've delt with and how they felt the same way. it will get better, it always does. give yourself a purpose or goal, for one of my friends it was making money working hard and fixing up his car. it really turned his mindset and outlook around. try finding something that you would enjoy doing and work towards it, it helps put all that stuff in your post on the back burner.
     
  3. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

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    Oh, son of a beeotch. It took me SOOOO long to reply to you that I got signed off, and lost the entire post.
    SHIT!!
    One day I will learn to COPY every freakinin long post before I hit send.
    Damn. Okay, give me some time, I may just PM you or something.

    The most "crucial" part of my post was this, though.

    " You always get what you want. Your subconscience rightfully determines what energies, experiences, and people you attract. Therefore, the only way to know what you want, is to see what you already have. There are no victims, only Students."
    That is a quote that I have kept visible around me for years. I cannot tell you how much it has affected me positively when I remember it, and how negatively it affects me when I forget.

    Also I guarantee that if you continue with the pattern of thought and behavior you are currently on, you will get more of the same. FO SHO.
    Not only that, but as you get older, the people around you will tire quickly and become very irritated by your self pity.

    (I have wallowed in it myself on several ocassions, so I don't mean that as an insult.)
    {{{huge hugs}}}
    You can be happy, really. You just have a LOT of "work" cut out for you. It will be worth the struggle though.
     
  4. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    What do you do? Buddy....it sounds like your entire life you've let others drag you along. Your whole self worth is determined by a handful of other people because you've LET it be that way. You're like driftwood.

    You know what you do? You say "Fuck it, I'm not going to let these other people push me around...I am the center of my own universe". Then you start paddling upstream.

    The world is filled with successful people. Do you think they did it just lying there letting others just hand it to them? NO, they took charge and they often did things contrary to what people told them.

    You have that in you....you said once you even had balls (no pun intended) to get your basketball team going again all on your own. You've proven to yourself you have leadership material in you and you have follow-through. 2 of the key ingredients to your future success. Now you just have to applythese steps towards everything else you do.
     

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