SRS No desire to persue intimate relations

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by D-FENS, Dec 14, 2008.

  1. D-FENS

    D-FENS New Member

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    My situation... Rather my personal issues, are rather complicated. All through high school and my first year of college, I was feeling incredibly lonely. This whole time, I felt that there was a major part of my life missing, and believed that a girlfriend or some sort of significant other was the missing link in my life. Until a few weeks ago, I had never even made first base with a girl. Well, I finally got first base with a girl, and then lost my virginity to her. While she wasn't necessarily perfect, she was a generally nice girl who I enjoyed being with, and she had feelings for me as well as I liked her. But, as we spent time together, I realized that whatever the great missing part of my life was, she wasn't filling it. I gave it a few more weeks, and while she was nice and all, that emptiness in my life was still present, and I broke things off with her.

    All these years, I had believed that the emptiness in my life would be filled by a girl/significant other, but when one finally showed up, I still felt as empty as ever.
    How do I discover what this emptiness is, and fill it?
     
  2. wimp

    wimp New Member

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    jesus
     
  3. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    the emptiness has something to do with you...a relationship should complement your life, not complete it.
     
  4. Drifter87

    Drifter87 Yippi-kay-ay, Motherfucker

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    You have to find something that gives your life meaning. For some it is their career, making money, helping others, raising a family, a hobby, etc...

    From my personal experience, just because you have a girl friend does not mean you will be the happiest guy on the block.
     
  5. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    Sounds like you should see a psychologist because the problem seems to come from the inside.
     
  6. mandrew

    mandrew New Member

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    This sounds like a good suggestion.


    Personally I feel similar the OP in that I feel like my life needs a bigger purpose. I've channeled that into the career that I desire and the level of education that I want to attain. I feel happy with myself and like I know who I am because I am working towards those goals every day. If I didn't have these things I would really feel empty inside.


    Perhaps you need to find a goal that really fits with your values... Do some exploration and find out about exciting careers, travel, etc... Anything that you really want to do.. and start working towards achieving that. Then everything else will fall into place.
     
  7. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Only loving and helping other people can fill in the gap inside of your soul. And the only thing you learn from being introverted/lonely, is that you have to be extravert , people need to intereact with other people in order not to feel horrible inside, this is because we are social creatures, in the old days we needed eachother for survival, but nowadays we are in very little personal contact because we don't need eachother anymore to stay alive.

    So the best thing you can do is volenteer that way you come into contact with people and help them at the same time.
     
  8. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Most people enter into relationships with an eye toward what they can get out of them, rather than what they can put into them. The purpose of a relationship is to decide what part of yourself you'd like to see "show up", not what part of another you can capture and hold.

    I'm sure you're now seeing that. It's like Matt said, we're complemented, not completed.

    I don't have an answer for you that's quick and easy. All I know is that if you search, you will likely find the solution. You won't find it outside yourself, but you may need to do work outside yourself, whether asking people questions, reading books -- just living, and pursuing answers that way. Inevitably the answer will come from within, when you suddenly realize what was happening. Naturally the void will fill itself as you progress forward. Sometimes a void can be of an unhealthy nature, sometimes it's just a lack of knowing who you are, or what meaning life and relationships hold -- sometimes it's needing the help of a professional psychologist or therapist. It depends on how serious you feel about what's happening.

    I'm sorry there isn't a faster way. This is the fastest way I've observed under these conditions. I do find guidance to be effective in this situation, finding other people who felt the same way and worked through it to self-discovering the issue. Also, sometimes counseling can help, as that's the entire purpose of a "counselor." Sometimes you don't necessarily need therapy (although you may, I don't know), but instead need someone to help guide them with basic instructions of self discovering what they value, want, and helping them better define their own purpose.

    You'll figure it out, but I think your next relationship needs to be based on a foundation built on rock and stone rather than sand and salt.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2008
  9. slimjim

    slimjim New Member

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    Did you ever consider the possibility that maybe she just wasn't the right one for you? It happens to all of us, we don't find our perfect match instantly. If only it were that easy.
     
  10. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    As usual I will come into this thread from left field, my advice usually unorthodox to the west.

    If you would like me to explain what is happening to you, that will be quite difficult.

    You wish to return to "mother", I guess that will serve. We came from nothing... no-thing. To comprehend what the Ain is, or the Ain Soph or Ain Soph Aur is, we must experiance it.

    Essentially, we are in a big undertow. Ever since leaving this cosmic blossom, we have an undeniable urge to return. In our own personal hell on earth, which each one of us has, none of us will be satisfied with these materialistic gains.

    Everyone foolishly believes that someone will come along and fix everything.

    Someone who is serious knows this to be false. In fact, every endeavor they've pursued has been little more then a farce.

    For one, we can't make ourselves happy. No, that would be too easy. And yes, other people can make us happy, and our happiest times are often the least suspected.

    So what comes spontaneously and naturally will make us happy. Whatever comes predictably and unnaturally will make us sad. It *is* much more then that, but this is a start. And to help you out, Anger is hardly natural. It is a product of our ego, serves no purpose, is highly effective at spreading, and is pure destruction.

    But to put this to practical use we must realize we are highly unnatural and sad, and that we try to make ourselves happy and fail, and that we will not change over night.

    No one can just come into your life like that, it is not so easy. Ask not what your woman can do for you, ask what you can do for your woman.

    Honestly, if a decent woman (came to you) because you've been working on yourself so hard, not just physically but emotionally, and mentally... she would not be offering free entertainment.

    Instead, you must surprise her. I am not kidding when I say today, on Dec. 23rd, with no particular reason besides "The Christmas Spirit", I bought my girlfriend a bunch of beautiful flowers from South America, and she will be quite pleased with them, and her mother and father will have questions about the flowers when they get home, and they will be impressed and only see good from me.

    Where is the lose? Where did I lose out? The 11 dollars it cost me to buy those flowers when I have no money and it's Christmas? Big deal.

    To surprise my girlfriend with such fine flowers at the cost of 11 dollars... Hardly a waste, considering how much men spend on themselves when it comes to "flowers", heh.
     
  11. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    What happened is exactly what I would have expected to happen.

    Your issue wasn't that you didn't have a woman. That hole in your life has to do with you, so filling it with an external source is not going to solve the problem.

    In fact, many guys like you blow their chances with good women because they do the same thing. They try to fill their hole with the woman and eventually it will chase her away. You're putting the responsibility of your happiness on their shoulders and it is a burden she should not carry. YOU are responsible for your happiness.

    Your issue is not women, it is your self image and mental state. Professional help would be better suited here, but for me, I would suggest picking up some hobbies, especially those that get you into great physical shape. I have never felt better about my life than the times when I was in great physical shape. I feel I can do anything, I feel on top of the world. I am never tired, I feel proud of my accomplishments, etc.

    My suggestion is to get a hobby that requires physical action, be it volleyball, martial arts, football, wrestling, weightlifting, SOMETHING. Work at it when you have time. And don't just work at it to be average, set a goal for yourself and accomplish it. When you do accomplish it I think you will feel proud of yourself and what you did. Always set goals for yourself and work towards them.

    Arnold Schwartzenegger is a huge advocate of this... as you can see. The guy went from nothing to being the #1 Body Builder of his time, one of the top Actors in the world, to now being the Governor of California. The guy sets unbelievable goals for himself and accomplishes them. He said it himself, that the battle is half the fun. You don't have to set such lofty goals for yourself, but set some and go do it.
     
  12. johan

    johan Active Member

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    This post is so completely correct and illuminating that I have nothing to add.

    Except this: :h5:
     
  13. illectronic

    illectronic I'm Coming Home OT Supporter

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    Yes you are definately right. I also feel empty, and I thought it was because I don't have a gf. I just noticed the one thing I'm not doing in life is physical action. My doctor/therapist also recommended exercise. :noes::noes:
     
  14. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    +1 for physical excersize, but I think it helps more if you do this outdoors, far away from the city with one or two other people you are close with.

    I've never been gleefull since coming to live in a big city, but a few years ago me and my family went on a canoe trip on the wisconsin river. At one point the water was really shallow, and me and my brother just jumped out of our canoes and sprinted full speed for like a mile in the cold shallow water. I don't know why, but it was the most amazing feeling in the world. There was this incredible energy that just filled us, where you just feel unstoppable. Its like when a depressed dog that has been couped up in the house all week is taken to the park, and out of nowhere he just starts running like crazy in circles and jumping from excitement.

    I don't think people were designed to live in big cities and work quietly 9-5 and follow every law in the book. We were designed to frolic in the woods and grasslands. You just have to go out and reconnect with nature frequently.
     
  15. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    The hardest thing about physical exercise is starting. That's what I have learned. Everytime I was out of shape and wanted to get in shape, it would take weeks or even months to motivate myself to start. However once I started and kept up the routine for a couple of weeks straight... maintaining that exercise was easy.

    Try your best to get started and keeping up on it for a few weeks. Once you do that maintaining what you started should become easy.
     

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