SRS New kind of situation for me to ever deal with..long read

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Hootahz314, Mar 29, 2006.

  1. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    Ok, so I am currently seperated from my husband. We tried to work it all out after the first situation and basically all of that turned to shit. During this time that I was trying to salvage my marriage and get back on the right path I was sharing all of my ups and downs with a close friend of mine (for about 7 years now) and he wasn't very sympathetic. Now, I'm not asking for a pity party by any means. I can handle myself rather well in any sort of stressful situation, but his lack of 'sympathy' if you will, started transforming into rather hateful attacks on my intelligence. I am by far a stupid woman. Well, after my husband left for the second time my friend seemed to become a little friendlier (once he found out via a mutual friend). During his 'black period' I quit talking with him, seeing as how 90% of our conversations are through email that wasn't a difficult task.

    Fast forward to today. My husband and I had a clash, not too terribly ugly but I feel I handled myself well and was quite proud because in the middle of this argument we had actually achieved something. Go figure, an argument with a positive ending. Well, I shared my news with my friend. The intent was to discuss what I had accomplished with very, very little emphasis on my future ex husband. It was something for me to be proud of (by the way, we were arguing over my sons school tuition and whether we should remove him from private school for a year while we deal with the divorce or not. I said we should seeing as how I am paying for it, and he disagreed, we came to a common ground). My friend sends me 3 (yes three) different emails in return focused only on how he feels that my husband is somehow walking on me and how I am somehow being stupid over things. Only in a vicious manner and quite honestly it stung. I've never said such mean things to another person, especially a friend. I don't understand how he could possibly call me a friend and be so cruel. On purpose. The only thought that keeps crossing my mind is why does he care about how my ex may or may not be treating me if he feels I am so stupid? Is there something I am missing here? Any thoughts on this irrational behavior? I'd greatly appreciate it.

    **Just to put into picture his life, he's married, but currently getting a divorce and lives about 200 miles away from me but plans on returning to St. Louis once his divorce is finalized (to help his mom, or so he claims).
     
  2. RotiEatter

    RotiEatter New Member

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    It sounds like he is bitter about his own life and situation. Try not to take what he says with to much care. You'll just hurt yourself if you do.
     
  3. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    I try to not let anyone hurt me, but occasionally I am thrown off guard when I receive 3 emails in one night full of him calling me stupid. I thought I gave all of this up when I graduated from high school.
     
  4. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    My 2 cents:

    It seems he cares about you, and it hurts him when you complain to him about how your husband did this or that to you. His reaction to it is to call you stupid for putting up with him for so long. I'm not saying it's the right way for him to deal with this ... but I'm just telling you how I understand your situation.

    Notice how he seemed to warm up when your husband left?

    Also you say you don't want sympathy yet you keep going to him with your stories. If not sympathy and understanding then what DO you want from him? Why else would you tell him this stuff? You're just making him into the classic emotional whore.

    No hard feelings, but that's the way things seem to me. :hs:
     
  5. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    He might have a hidden agenda. However, no matter what agenda he's on, he shouldn't be treating you like shit. A tough talking-to is fine, name-calling and belittling is not. If you think he's crossing the line, call him on it. If he can't (or won't) stop, end the friendship. It sucks, but cutting your losses in this instance may be the best thing to do. You're not a punching bag for his frustrations.
     
  6. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    No offense taken, I'm here for advice whether it be something I want to hear or not. ;) Maybe he did feel at times I was just bitching to him, I never got that impression after rereading my emails, perhaps I just don't notice it because I'm reading into every detail and he only picks out what he wants to see.

    I don't really see myself looking for sympathy when it comes to my marriage failing. There are certain aspects that sometimes bring me down, but nothing that I've talked to him about. Mostly issues regarding my sons well being. If I wanted him to feel sorry for me, I could come up with a laundry list of reasons for him to do so. Besides, I've listened to his horror stories from day one as well.. it's not as though I sit at my computer trying to figure out how to keep getting treated the same by what I say. If that was the case I'd stay married.
     
  7. Devilish

    Devilish Remind me AGAIN

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    I think he's jealous. He doesn't realise that you MUST sort out all of these things with your husband for the better of all involved, especially children. I think he expects you to just give ultimatums, get your own way and then be able to simply get on with your life, most likely with him. He needs to take a step back and realise that divorce is a bloody big thing and it takes a lot to sort it out.

    If he wanted to be a true friend, then he would be straight forward but he wouldn't be cruel in doing it. I think you should tell him exactly how you feel. That is, tell him how his words have hurt you.

    You really don't need to be dealing with a divorce AND an idiot friend who can't see beyond his own wants.
     
  8. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    I'm all for constructive criticism, I agree with you. Although insulting my intelligence and compitence has gotten my attention, I feel he's not going to like the consequences. He may have already unknowingly severed our relationship because the more I think about this the more pissed off I get. We aren't children anymore, you call me a doodoohead and I'm not going to even consider that you might have a crush on me. I'm going to take it that your an asshole. Ya know? I've got alot to take into consideration now. Thanks for the advice.
     
  9. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    This whole jealousy thing.. it's kind of weird for me because I've been married for almost 8 years and with the guy for almost 10.

    I am going to type up an email with my thoughts, right now they aren't good so I am going to sit on this for a minute and try to not sound like a whiny girl wanting to know why why why... Although a 'why' would be nice.

    I am going to let him know that his words stung, and if he feels that I am being 'mistreated' by my ex then what would possess him to do the exact same thing to me? He's getting ready to finalize his own divorce, only with him he CAN just walk away without another word. He has no children so he doesn't understand that things aren't just black and white in my situation. There is a whole lot of grey that I have to muddle through. I wish he knew though.
     
  10. Devilish

    Devilish Remind me AGAIN

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    Some guys just don't get it. I think you have to tell him straight how difficult this is for you. Tell him that right now you need his support to be able to move on and not harsh criticism, as you're doing the best that you can for your family. If he can't do that, then you might have to cut him out of your life again, at least until you've sorted things out. Although, if it were me, I'd want a true friend to be there for the ups and downs or I couldnt be bothered with them at all.
     
  11. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    Before all of this we were true friends. :hs: But I understand what you mean..
     
  12. Mars Princess

    Mars Princess They hatin'

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    I do not think your friend's disagreements with you and how you handle things should be as harsh as you are presenting them to be, but think about this for a second. For several years you confide in him about your ups and downs. You keep coming back to him with your problems and your issues. How would you feel if you listened and gave advice, but someone still kept putting themselves in a stressful situation? You would start dismissing that person as incompetent or incapable of making sound rational decisions. now how you would address them may differ from your friend, but you can't say that you would be THRILLED to hear yet another EPISODE that person has had with someone or something.

    it gets old and it gets annoying, because you care about a person but they continue to do things that cause them frustration or harm. It sounds like your friend is just trying to give you some tough love. Granted, he could give constructive criticism instead of insulting you and your intelligence.

    My advice is to let your friend know that you cannot tolerate his negativity and that you will get constructive support from someone else who cares enough not to bring you down when you are feeling low. A person can be honest without being an asshole. I'd cut him off
     
  13. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    Well in all fairness he comes to me as well. Believe me, those times are not one sided and it isn't like I've gone through this sort of stuff with my ex through out my entire marriage. There were alot of factors in the last 8 months that brought this on. The only reason I'm not going in to detail about his current situation is because I'm not here to bitch about his issues with his own life. I'm trying to figure out why he always focuses on just certain points and tries to make me feel stupid when in reality I've been pretty level headed about what I'm going through. I don't allow myself to be walked on and if he would just listen instead of trying to hear only what he wants to hear he would know that. I'm not a closet weakling and I am pretty self sufficient.

    It doesn't matter anymore anyway. After that last email I told him that I have too many other important things to deal with and from the sounds of it he's got his hands full so I'm removing myself from the picture.
     
  14. Mars Princess

    Mars Princess They hatin'

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    oh ok. i thought it was just mostly you talking to him and him responding but if he's come at you with the same thing, i think he just wants you to be miserable too. people like that are really selfish. they want people to feel dOWN With them . instead of focusing on their own problems , they transfer anger and resentment. good to hear you cut yourself out of the picture.
     
  15. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    It was the best thing for me, because no matter his motive I just don't have the time for any of it. Atleast with the way he's chosen to carry on. He did send me an email and I marked it as spam so I don't even have to bother with it. Maybe I'm being a little too harsh, but doing so makes me feel smarter. ;)
     

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