SRS never satisfied with myself

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by babygodzilla, May 18, 2008.

  1. babygodzilla

    babygodzilla I love rice

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    im just never satisfied with myself. is that healthy? on the one hand it motivates me to improve, on the other hand i never really like myself and it gives me these mood swings. one day i could be happy, and then i hear/see one of my friends with expensive cars, telling about their fancy parties full of celebrities, going on expensive cruises, going to Europe for a long weekend :ugh: and jealousy, envy just takes over. i think i have much pressure from my dad about being successful (read: having my own business, making 6 figures a year, married to someone as successful), that i believe these rich people are who i have to be. everything i have in life is just mediocre. i had mediocre grades, have mediocre job, not much talent for anything at all :dunno: im just your average average person. i just wanna make my parents proud but nothing i do seems good enough. i feel so mellow a lot of times i just wanna off myself...
     
  2. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    What's wrong with being mediocre?

    There are people that are worse off than you... those are the below average people...
     
  3. babygodzilla

    babygodzilla I love rice

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    you know i know that and i say that to myself many times. but really, that's just not good enough. being mediocre is just not good enough. i really can't tell if it's not good enough for me or for my parents, but it's just not good enough, period. i feel the need to be known for something great. i really don't need the multi million dollars, and the fancy cars (im not into cars). but i crave recognition. that's not saying that i am an attention whore. i dont go into tantrums and cry in front of everyone to steal some sympathy. in fact it is quite the opposite. i always try to put on a happy face when im out, and i reserve the mellowness for when im alone.

    i hate the mood swings. when im feeling down, i start comparing myself to everyone and somehow i just end up somewhere around the bottom. then i avoid people out of shame. then im ok again after a couple days of being alone. it's fuckin ridiculous and pathetic really. i even say that to myself when im being a loner "this is fuckin pathetic, get the fuck out of the house and do something fun!" but i just cant help it. id rather just sleep and play piano by myself during those days.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    To folks like you i always say:

    Instead of living in the shadow of your father, step out of it, into the sun and have a shadow of your own reflection to look upon.

    Its not your voice that's speaking Godzilla, its the voice of your father whom you seek approval with that is giving you this artificial black hole in your soul. You want your fathers love, which you translate into his recognition.

    Its time that you say to yourself: I don't need my dads approval, that's the trigger that makes you go into circles, and its the only way to jump out of that vicious black hole of despair.

    I will give you some decent advice that a disabled handicapped person told to me. As you might know disabled people are in far less 'priviliged' lives as you are and that person said 'never look upon the things you don't have in life, always look at the things you do have.

    You see Zilla, if you never look back to your own life and say 'im satisfied with what i have', then you can never be happy.

    Its ok to be striving towards new things, but not out of the feeling that stems from dissatisfaction, rather then a natural need to improve yourself for the sake of the quality of your life.

    Be at peace, you are ok for who you are.
     
  5. babygodzilla

    babygodzilla I love rice

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    that's true. it's all true and i know it's true. but it's just so hard for me to ignore my dad's expectations. he's given so much to me i feel that it's only fair that i give him something back.
     
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Stop making yourself feeling guilty for something that you aren't to blame for. Its your dad who's wrong doing has put expectations on you , you see your dad needs to love you unconditionally , not ' i only love you if you reach this and that goal ', its proposterous. You need to ignore it listen Zilla, you need to be all you can be not for your dad but for yourself , as said you need to step out of his shadow and have a life of your own in this aspect, the thing is , sometimes people (families in particular) seem all to walk on the same path of life, but in reality you are walking on your own path of life. That's why you need to start having your own goals for yourself for you. Start defining yourself instead of letting others(even if its family) making a definition of who you are for you. Its wrong man, you'd just end up in being a copy of the wishes reflected of your father, its not you its your fathers voice speaking

    'this is what i myself would have wanted to do in my life but i failed, so now im trying to put my expectations on my son, so he can achieve what i've failed to accomplish in my life'

    Fuck that shit, let your dad accomplish his expectations with his own life instead of saddling you up with his crap. Its your life you are your own judge,jury and executor of it, now start living it free from guilt in a way how you want to live it.
     
  7. deleterious

    deleterious OT Supporter

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    i feel the same way about mediocrity...seems I can't really ever find something I'm the best at
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Nor is that something you should expect , with 6 billion people on this planet there's always at least one nut case that would devote his/her entire life on playing tetris,backgammon,soccer,tennis, etc etc , my advice is to stop focusing on these people, its like looking at how the grass is greener at your neighbours place, but in the mean time you forget to take care of your own grass that's rotting, instead of wasting time with envy start working on making your own grass green. Again stop looking at others, you have been given your own boat, but you are the one who has to paddle towards the finish line in order to gain a victory not onto others, but a victory over yourself.
     
  9. Malkavian Star

    Malkavian Star New Member

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    Stop trying to beat others accomplishments, just try your best to be yourself.

    It might sound corny, but I felt the same way as OP and I got over it by realizing that there are people in my life that I love and respect that thinks I'm special and a good person.

    Having loads of money and having a talent that people admire doesn't really mean anything and it certainly doesn't reflect who you really are as a person imo.
     
  10. babygodzilla

    babygodzilla I love rice

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    damn.. that's some deep metaphor... :hs:
     
  11. Paulie Walnuts

    Paulie Walnuts Im an agent of chaos

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    Everything.
     
  12. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    If you want those things so badly, then why not focus on having them instead of focusing on not having them, and or someone else having them while you don't.

    Did you know that whatever you think about most is what you experience in terms of emotions and your emotions then in term represent whether or not you're on the right track in your life regarding whether you're experiencing what you want, and being who you choose? If you think about what you don't have and how others always have what you don't -- then that's exactly what you get, because it's what you think about! You'll continue to want, want, want, and be unhappy.

    Why not think about how fortunate it is that you're associated with someone who has done so well. Why not think about the fact that you can have those things too. You might not know how to get from point A to point B, but you do know how to begin, and that's by simply focusing on what you truly want.

    Do you want those things because you think they'll bring you joy, happiness, or status? Becareful, because they won't. You have to start with being joyful, grateful, and appreciative of things. Do you want those things because they're something you're passionate about and thus constantly thoughtful about? That's the only way. Then out of your gratitude you'll be able to choose and have those things instead of the constant jealousy, wanting, needing, and envy that you have.

    What matters in life isn't what others want for you, but rather what you "create" for yourself. What is it you want? Inevitably your future is entirely dependent -- in respect to your "financial wealth" upon whether it's something you actually care deeply for.

    Perhaps the reason you're so discontented is because you feel that to be validated in your existence, society, family, even relationships, that you need to be or have something other than who you are?

    Don't you know that the only way to be happy is to do what brings you joy? Having validation is nice, but at what expense? That you have to be something that you don't want to be, in order to be appreciated, loved or otherwise respected?

    Why can't you be respected for whereever you are in your life, and in the process of becoming whoever you're aiming to be? If others don't respect it, who says you can't!? Perhaps you're mediocre because you know these things deep down and are resistent to becoming who others want you to be, but at the same time, you might be short changing yourself by also denying yourself the things you can have and create.

    Start from within, who do you want to be? Look at what you've created so far. Your entire life is the sum of your prior choices and actions, as well as experiences. The "good" things and the so called "bad" -- if you're unhappy, it could be a lot of things at work causing it, but perhaps what I'm saying is a very likely part of it. What do you want? What do you already have that you're grateful for? Think about it, think carefully, because that's inevitably what will create the next moment preceding this paragraph, that will create your future!
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2008
  13. babygodzilla

    babygodzilla I love rice

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    I dunno. Why can't I??? It's hard to be content with anything when I feel like people are looking at me like I'm a loser for being 2 steps behind them...
     
  14. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I understand what you're saying man. And I know exactly the feelings you're talking about.

    The truth is you aren't a loser. Losers don't care about themselves, or about trying to feel better. Only someone who cares and wants to live a higher quality of life would reach out and say the things you have.

    Those who judge you, looking at you like you're a loser are ultimately fools. For they've failed at character, humility, respect for others, and have failed to identify that fact. Of all the things in this world, character matters most. You can lose all the money you have, and you've really lost nothing in the grand scheme of life. You could lose your health, then you could say "Hey, I really lost something." -- but if you lose your chacter? If you lack character? All is lost. That's a quote you need to remember about those who judge you. A human being of character doesn't judge someone for where they are in their own growth process. An old man should not laugh at a 20 year old for being 20 or for being naive, a toddler should not laugh at an infant for not yet walking or talking, as it will come in their own time.

    It's like a high jump analogy. These people set a mark, and tell you that if you don't reach it, you're a loser. Not knowing that you dont' have to particiate or prove anything to them, in your ignorance you run and attempt to make the jump. When you do they say "Oh lucky, ok let's see if you can make this jump, and they raise it even higher." They'll keep raising it until you can't hit the mark anymore, and even if the jumps you've made would have been considered amazing or great to someone on the outside looking in, those who kept raising the bar will tell you that because you didn't meet "their" expectations that you're a loser.

    Never judge yourself by someone else's yardstick, or else you'll spend a lifetime chasing your tail in the sun where you don't belong.

    How can you ever be good enough to someone who has already decided you never will be? So the truth is, it doesn't matter how far you excell, they've already decided your fate. It takes no effort at all to judge someone, but it takes all the effort in the world to play by their rules. Do not play games you can't win.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2008
  15. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Of course you crave recognition, you've basically been told by your family through indirect acts and words that you're worthless and unlovable unless you're doing something prove otherwise. They don't give it unconditionally, or merely as a result of your existing in this world, and that's a failure on their part.

    Anyone who calls that love is selling a counterfeit version. That is not love.

    Beating yourself up, striving to achieve anything undere these banners you carry will never bring you what you're ultimately looking for. And that's self love, respect of self, recognizing your'e whole, and valuable simply because you exist. Nature thought well enough of you to allow you to take up space in this world and no one else can deny that fact so why do you not see that?

    If you want to be great, you must abandon the expectations of others. You must do what you love of your own accord simply for the passion of it. What I see is someone who only wants to be great and to have recognition because he hopes his parents will "recognize" him. There is nothing wrong with wanting that, but it is unhelpful to attempt to get it without understanding the reality behind it. You must accept reality as it is.

    That is inevitable failure. Until you recognize this, you'll continue to suffer. If you want to overcome this and can't do it alone, then consider counseling.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2008
  16. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    If you want to show your respect to someone who you believe has done a kindness to you, do a kindness in return. I have found that to help another you must help yourself, to love another you must love yourself, to "give" to another, you must give to yourself.

    Give yourself a break, give yourself some respect and some encouragment. If you want to give, give because you have a passion for it, not because you feel obligated! That's not a true gift.
     

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