SRS Nervous and emotional train wreck...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Dont Go Away, Feb 2, 2005.

  1. Dont Go Away

    Dont Go Away New Member

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    My boyfriend is depressed and suicidal. (I know, just like so many others) I think he may be bi-polar as well. Over the summer he had a great job and then was even going to school to become a chemical engineer...it became too much for him to handle so he came back home. Since he's been home, he won't do anything with his life...he tells me that I talk down to him and treat him like garbage. All I want to do is help. I love him SO much and he just can't see that. He also says that all I want is immediate changes and that I can't the little things changing. We both know that he needs help, but he also needs the motivation to seek that help. I don't have any in me left to give (I'm still in high school and taking college class just to graduate). He always tells me that he doesn't want to add any stress to my life, but continues, day after day to do so. He also recently told me that for the first time, I made him want to kill himself. I know I complain a lot and am not always the happiest/best person to be around, but I want to get something out of life. I told him last night to call me when he wants to help himself and actually do something about it, not just talk about it. He agreed.

    This morning, he sent me the following messages:

    I know you are at school but ive been up all night thinking. And i have come to the conclusion that i will not accept us being on a "break". So with that i need to say a few things. First being that since 2 am i have taken 12 asprin, you are thinking now that i broke my promise. However i think that since you are on a break we are no longer together i dont need to keep it. Secondly since you are on a break I can not handle it, so I have decided that by 8:53am tomorrow if you do not call you officialy left me. That is exactly 24 hours from when i finished that sentence. Lastly i am calling to get help today and i will not be calling you, since you are on a break. I guess this all comes down to one thing, the ultimatum. That being if you want to be with me and stop all this fighting once and for all. This also means you would have to stop degrading me to the point you make me feel worthless because i can not please you and bitching at me because i can not control what mood i am in. I came up with this laying in bed, so call me if you love me and dont call me again if you dont its that simple. This is on you now and only you can continue us or end us if you want.With this relationship I have not only put in hours and days of trying to talk out our problems, but i also have put in thousands of dollars for both of our enjoyment. That is all i can say. Good Bye, I love you and I know you will make the best decision for yourself.
     
  2. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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  3. Jester

    Jester OT Supporter

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    Not to be overly simple, but move on. The fact that he's almost trying to "guilt" you into staying with him is unacceptable. He is also completely unwilling to accept any kind of responsibility.

    That's bullshit. He has some growing up to do. He doesn't want to accept responsibility for the way he acts.

    More signs that he is completely selfish. As if you have put in no time and energy? More bullshit.

    Bottom line: I know it hurts to see someone you care about self-destruct, but you cannot "fix" people who have issues. They need to work that out for themselves. Tell him to grow up before he calls you again. It might hurt him, but he needs to be hurt eventually, so he might as well be hurt by someone who cares about him.

    I guarantee that your boyfirend will not fix himself as long as he has you as his crutch AND as his person to blame.

    By "slow changes" he means that he wants to get better, but he is putting it off until tomorrow. And tomorrow he will do the same thing again. The fact that he is so defensive about it implies that he is actually aware of how he is fucking up; he hates being reminded of it.

    His issues will define your relationship until he is better. Let him fix himself; if you were meant to be together, you'll get back together after he fixes himself. If he doesn't fix himself, then you shouldn't be together anyways. Kick him to the curb (but do it gently) and move on with your life.
     
  4. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    The advice above is good advice. I don't know how long you have been together with this guy, but my previous relationship was similar to this. Please, *please* trust me - nothing will change with this guy until you end the relationship!

    We had met in school and i finished the program but he didn't - he was one course short. For the longest time I did everything around the house and tried to support him while he was unemployed - he refused to take a job that wasn't "what he wanted". (i was only making about 15k/year CDN at the time; the market had just had the .com crash and there was no tech work to be found.) Unfortunately, he also found ways to undermine my self-esteem - that shit is hard to take after coming home to a pigsty of a house after working a 14h day and on my feet for all of it at a manual-labour job.

    It took me two years to find the self-worth to leave him. one of the last straws was him accusing me of cheating on him - i didn't know whether to laugh in his face or strangle him - even if i was inclined to cheat, i wouldn't have had time or energy with all the work/studying/cooking/cleaning/moral support i was doing. we got in an argument about everything at that point, and he elected not to speak to me for three days. at the end of yet another 14h day, I told him that i evidently wasn't worth it to him, and he was on his own. I haven't looked back (other than to remind myself of the valuable lessons learned)... and from what I hear from mutual friends, he still hasn't changed even to this day.

    the point of this ramble is that i'm trying to save you from going through the pain that i did. if i had to hazard a guess, i'd say that your guy went to university, found that it wasn't the cakewalk that high school was, and all of a sudden the world came crashing down - add that to whatever other stresses he has in life and it's a molotov cocktail. he probably feels the loss of control over his life, and his creation of ultimatums is his way of grasping for control over you and therefore control over the relationship, which is part of his life, sick as that sounds. if you give in and let him win, he'll continue the behaviour indefinitely.

    the best thing for you is to remove yourself from the situation - he will drown you. he needs to change, and that kind of change only comes from within. good luck.
     

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