Needy girlfriend, busy schedule - what can I do?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by eighteen_psi, Jan 29, 2009.

  1. eighteen_psi

    eighteen_psi Active Member

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    About 4 months in with my girlfriend, generally speaking things are great and I've never been with anyone who makes me so happy. She has been hurt in the past by guys who don't treat her right and refuse to make the relationship any kind of a priority (which I do), who have abandoned her and taken advantage, etc..

    This has lead to her tending to be clingy and needy, unable to trust in my interest and affection in moments I can't directly show it. Particularly when she's stressed at work or whatever, something she acknowledges and has been working on. She wants to spend as much time with me as possible, and though the feeling is mutual, she has more time free than I do.

    I freelance doing animation, video, photography and such, and the economy sucks now. That means I spend a lot more time bidding for shorter jobs that pay less. Her job isn't very demanding, never has to put in long hours, etc. (fairly entry level), whereas my studio positions in the past have been reasonably senior. I explained that if/when I get myself into another studio, I'll still need to work more than she does. And she gets that too.

    For my part, I want us to work long term and though we both know there isn't anything wrong with the amount of time we spend together, she stresses about it in the moment sometimes, gets hurt and later apologizes, etc. The thing that confuses me is things usually get rough the day following a full day outing, or a long evening, etc. - like the contrast between us being together for a length and her not seeing me during the day hurts her somehow and things fall apart in her mind.

    What strategies can I use to help from my end? Would it be better to schedule things long in advance (if possible) or try to be spur of the moment (maybe make it more obvious I'm thinking of her - which I always am anyway)? Just do what I'm doing and let her sort the problems with her counselor over time and be there in the mean time?
     
  2. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    I can sympathize with your gf. I'm kind of in the same situation as her (been burned in the past and am now with a great guy and am trying my hardest not to be clingy). I'd say spur of the moment things always are nice. As long as she's making an effort to stop her behavior and apologizes when she realizes her wrong try not to seem annoyed or upset with her regarding those issues. That would only make her feel worse.

    Of course, if she starts being completely unreasonable that's a different story. But ya, if I were you...I wouldn't try to be super extravagant all the time. Just the little things when she's not expecting them may make all the difference.
     
  3. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Yikes. Sounds like she's not emotionally stable enough to even be in a relationship, you can only do so much man. Your relationship shouldn't be based around you trying your damndest to convince her you care for her.

    She needs to seek therapy. In the meantime I'd say the best you can do is while you are working send her a text message here and there telling her you are thinking about her or asking how her day has been, etc. That's really all you can and all you should be doing. That and possibly setting up a designated date night for the both of you for her to look forward to. Tell her you can switch off who plans it each week.
     
  4. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    I wouldn't say she is completely emotionally unstable. She seems to realize that what she is doing is irrational. Giving her some time to rebuild trust in relationships might be all she needs.
     
  5. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    She sounds young. And yes, everyone tends to get burned by ex's at times, but it shouldn't stand in the way of something she wants and cares for. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten shit on my guys, but in the end, and what I have come to realize, is there is a lot of douchey guys, but you live and you learn and can't like your life being afraid in relationships.

    I suggest she talk to someone.
     
  6. eighteen_psi

    eighteen_psi Active Member

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    She's 27, same age as I am. I wouldn't be in the relationship if it were something she wasn't aware of and couldn't commit to working through - my take is we all have peculiarities, problems and what not but we can choose to work on them or not. She's very aware that it's not rational and she's very committed to making a change (has done a lot in the past couple months for a start), and is seeing a counselor weekly to help out.

    I'm committed to sticking with her as its a great, very healthy relationship all around and we're crazy into each other. I'm optimistic about things, just looking for the ways I can help and not accidentally hurt. Not looking to walk on shells here or whatever.

    The 'little things' suggestions are great, I'll work on doing that on a more regular basis.

    Thanks :)
     
  7. audrey

    audrey New Member

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    Imo a lot of girls can be described as needy or clingy and most girls have felt needy or clingy some point of their lives. It's not so abnormal and I don't think that it means she isn't ready for a relationship!

    I'm sorry I'm not bursting with advice but I do know a lot of guys tend to push away when a girl shows needy or clingy signs, which makes the girls needier and clingier because they end up feeling even more insecure. Obviously you care about this girl and I think it's awesome that you want to help her feel secure.

    I think you shouldn't start dropping everything to tend to her needs etc but I think there are things you can do that only take a second to let her know that yeah you're busy but she isn't so far from your mind etc. Sometimes I send my girl emails saying 'I'm really busy but I can't wait to come home and kiss her knees'... takes me 2 seconds to send or 'I'm really busy right now but I'm sure I can still smell her perfume..'
     
  8. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    I've been in a similar relationship where the girl no matter what I was doing, where I went, or where I was coming from, had to be on the phone with me. If I wasn't on the phone with her, chances are I was at work. If I wasn't at work, I was at her house with her. Talk about clingy?

    As much as I enjoyed spending time with someone, it kills the relationship. Theres a difference between seeing someone every day and exhausting someone out. A hundred texts/calls a day, although it shows your SO that you're thinking about him/her, it also wears someone out. Some people don't understand or want to realize that EVERYONE needs some time to themselves. Just let her know that.

    I assume in your profession you understand just as much as the next person that alone time is very important. As an artist of some sort (per se), you need time to focus, dedicate, and portray your ideas/thesis/work to possible clients/positions, what have you.

    Just make sure the communication between the two of you is open and clear. Allow each other to 100% sure as to what the two of you need/want, and in the end if the both of you can work it out you guys will be fine in the long run.
     
  9. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I agree with this. My gf and I have issues that are similar to this and for me (I'm the 'needy' one) it doesn't really stem from amount of time, but from the amount of effort and openness. All I really want are things like an open line of communication and actions that go beyond standard bf/gf basics.

    I mean not cheating, not lying and being included in the other person's life are all important for a relationship, but those are just the basics. I bring her flowers from time to time, I'll cook for her when she comes over (usually nothing fancy, I'll admit), I write her stories, etc. I just want her to show that kind of interest as well.

    The communication part is particularly important to me too. For example my gf and I don't live together right now so we send each other texts in the morning. Some mornings she doesn't text me, but I'll see updates on Facebook saying she left messages on her friend's walls, etc. Little things like that can get under my skin because it only takes a few seconds to say "Good morning! I hope you have a good day at work" or whatever.

    Also sometimes she'll be texting a friend of hers and if I ask what they're talking about, she just says nothing. Now obviously I've got issues of my own that come into play, but is it really so much to ask to just say "Oh we're talking about Angela's bad hair" or "John is telling me about how Susan and Pete made out last night". Nothing gets under my skin.

    Now to a person that likes privacy as much as my gf, I can understand the need to not disclose everything, but the fact remains little things like that can make a big difference to people who put a lot of weight on intimacy. So my advice would be, do little actions that show you love her often and make sure you don't exclude her unnecessarily from any part of your life. Obviously if you have to work you should be able to say "I'm going to be busy for a few hours, but I'll talk to you when I can" or whatever. If she can't respect that then you've done everything you can at least.
     
  10. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    Sounds like both of you are doing everything right. She knows she has issues and is taking positive steps to deal with them. You are trying to reassure her without feeding her demon.

    Like Audrey said, sometimes those quick text/emails are a nice little reminder that you are thinking of her even though you are busy.
    Maybe having some things planned ahead would be good also. It gives her something to look forward to and even if you have to reschedule because of work, she knows you are making the effort. ;)
     
  11. eighteen_psi

    eighteen_psi Active Member

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    Thanks everyone :cool:
    Talked about a lot of stuff last night with her and think we've got it under control going forward - it'll just take a little time.
     
  12. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Honestly brother the only thing you can do is be patient with her, re-affirm your love, send her txt's and call her for a minute when you can. That is all. She needs to feel comfortable that you are thinking about her... It will ease with time. Keep communicating.
     
  13. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    :werd:

    Same goes for women who have a man who feels he would like a little more attention.
     
  14. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    You've got a great attitude, broseph. Good luck :bigthumb:
     
  15. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    dump her and find a girlfriend that is less annoying
     
  16. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    I have a feeling you don't do very well with women....
     
  17. eighteen_psi

    eighteen_psi Active Member

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    :hahano:
     
  18. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    i've said it before, and i'll say it again... actions speak louder than words.

    i've been in the situation your girlfriend's been in before. guys say tons of shit to get you to believe they care for you and about you, but like i said, if their actions don't show that, it's just :mb: :mb: :mb:.

    if your schedule is busy, make plans in advance. whatever you do, DO NOT cancel on her. :squint: i give guys (and girl friends!) 3-4 chances, and then i'm done. obviously i wasn't important enough. :dunno:

    beyond the scheduling issue, she sounds like she has some issues with being the center of attention. does she have girl friends? hobbies? seems like she needs to work on herself and being okay in her own skin... on her own. :hs:

    good luck
     
  19. Pringles

    Pringles New Member

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    I know people will think I'm not serious or I'm trying to get banned.

    But fuck bitches get money.
     

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