LGBT Need your guys' analysis [LONG]

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by SolidRanger, Aug 2, 2009.

?

Is OP gay?

  1. Yes

    11 vote(s)
    91.7%
  2. No

    1 vote(s)
    8.3%
  1. SolidRanger

    SolidRanger New Member

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    OK guys I really hope you can help me out with this. This will be a long one and I'm basically gonna completely spill my guts. I think I may be gay, but I can't figure out for SURE. These kinds of feelings and desires have pestered me since atleast 12 years old. I am 23 years old now and the desires only get stronger and stronger. At first it was just curiosity as a child, mutual masturbation with a neighbor boy. Then it was tranny porn, then gay porn. I've dated and had sex with 4 girls and felt almost in love, and it was alright. I find women to very visually attractive, but frankly its hard for me to get it up when I'm with a woman, no matter how hot the girl is. At first it just seemed to be a sexual thing but more and more and can actually picture myself with a guy long term.

    When I turned 18 and moved out on my own I experimented a bit. I was going to hook up with this one guy I met online. It was a fucking disaster. I became extremely uncomfortable and bolted. The second time I met a effeminate gay man and we went on a date. Frankly it was amazing. The sex was amazing and I never felt more attracted to another person. Unfortunatly it never went anywhere but 5 years later I still think about him almost daily. He was a transvestite, so sometimes I don't feel it counted since he was very effeminate.

    After that I shunned any homosexual feelings I had. I went into a long term relationship with a girl. The sex was good but I still fapped to tranny and gay porn. I think I loved her but it ended up not working out. Since then these homosexual feelings keep popping up. When I have alot of time on my hands its all I can think about, so I try to keep busy to keep my mind off it. Right now I'm on a cross country road trip with my father so my mind is running a million miles a minute. I almost felt convinced that I really am gay and almost came out to my father (definitly the last person I think I would ever consider coming out to).

    Every time I think I'm close to knowing and accepting that I'm gay I have a freak out and try to ignore it. I always feel like if I come out then suddently I snap out of some phase and all these gay thoughts will cease and only my straight ones will remain. But that would be after putting my family through the crisis of me coming out. Me coming out will be a HUGE deal for my family, so I really don't want to come out unless I am absolutly, positivly, 100% sure I am gay.

    So I don't know what to do. I could really use some advice right now, maybe some stories of how you guys came to terms, figured it out, etc. I always read stories from gay people saying that they always knew they were different, and that's me. I've always felt different, and I have had behaviors and mannerism that were different from most boys, like I read freaking Baby Sitters Club and had tea parties when I was kid. I read that childhood gender nonconformity like that was the most common precursur to adult homosexuality.

    So any thoughts please share.
     
  2. dgo

    dgo New Member

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    I'm similar. When I was young, I was always, as you say, "visually attracted" to girls, but sexually they did nothing for me. I started to look up naked guys and masturbate to them, even before I knew what sex was I was always more curious about what other guys looked like naked than I wondered about girls, never really fit in with the other guys and oscialized more with girls when I was younger, but I had convinced myself it was just a stage for the longest time. Then finally, when I realized I really loved my friend in high school, I realized "well, since I'm in love with a guy, I guess that means I really am gay" and just finally admtted it to myself, though it did take a lot longer for me to really accept it. I feel the same way about coming out to my parents, I'm 20 and I haven't done it yet (just told my close friends in college) because I feel once I do then there will be no turning back.

    I think you're gay, but you should try a real relationship (and sex) with another guy first. It doesn't matter how long it lasts, if you end up staying together or if it only ends up lasting for a few weeks or months, just try and have a romantic/sexual relationship with another guy and see if you could see yourself with a guy in the long term. Maybe not THAT guy (if it ends up not working out), but a guy in general. Then you should be sure enough if you are gay or not. Or maybe you're bisexual, with a preference for guys. Or maybe you'll find out you're heterosexual who's just "curious." From what you wrote, though, it looks like you ARE gay. So put yourself out there and find out! But you should come out to your friends first, and build yourself a circle of friends "in the know" who will support you, before you come out to your parents.

    I think the biggest reason why a lot of people, including myself, sometimes deny to themselves that they're gay is because of the cultural image/stereotype and the very shallow "lifestyle" it's always portrayed and labelled as. I know many masculine gays, many like me who are in beween, it's just the super-flamboyant and effeminate queen stereotypes that make a lot of people deny that they're gay because they don't want to always be associated and grouped in with those people. Not that there's anything wrong with that, that's jut not who I am, and I don't want to be grouped in with them just because I also like guys. I don't see being gay as my identity, just as another trait. I have dark brown hair, I have hazel eyes, I'm gay, I'm only 5'5'', I weigh 150 pounds, I'm as Star Wars geek, etc. It's just another part of who I am, like how some people are only attracted to blondes, or only brunettes, or skinny people, or chubby people, I'm only attracted to guys. It's a personal taste, an important trait because it helps determine who I love and want to have sex with, but still just another trait, a part of me, not my entire identity. That's how I feel about it anyways, I know others may feel differently.

    That's my insight/advice, anyways. Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2009
  3. DouggieJ

    DouggieJ OT Supporter

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    My general advice is to try to avoid labeling yourself -- you don't need to. Maybe you're gay, maybe you're bi, I don't know... just go with what feels right for you at the time, don't let labels scare you.
     
  4. SolidRanger

    SolidRanger New Member

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    I've had similar experiences. When I was younger I mostly only had female friends. Even today most of my closest friends are female. I didn't play many sports though pretty much everyone tried to get me interested in sports. As a kid I never really found myself attracted to any of my male classmates or anything, but the one gay kid we had at my rural farm community school always interested me in a peculiar way. Since turning 18 and experimenting I have developed several man crushes. One was on my Latino best friend from high school. Another was a customer that used to come into the store at worked at. Before then was the tranny I was infatuated with.

    I would like to try that, and I would like to go out and experience the gay lifestyle and meet guys, but I live in a fairly small city with only a handful of gay bars. The most popular gay bar (and I guess the only one that really caters to a young crowd) also happens to be straight-friendly and the most popular dance club in town...and my brother goes there. So basically I can't go to the most happening gay spot in town without risking running into my brother.


    I've actually come out to my closest friends that I am at minimum bi, possibly gay. My 2 best guy friends have been incredibly supportive. My main female friend is sort of supportive but she seems to be convinced that I'm just going through a phase.

    I can see that for sure. When I first started "researching" what it meant to be gay, it was mostly tv and movies. I watched Queer As Folk...and it depressed the hell out of me. Such a nasty, meaningless existence. I want love and companionship but QAF painted a cold, heartless, sex-crazed lifestyle that saddened me. I saw a gay pride parade and the leather daddies made me want to throw up. I thought if this what it meant to be gay then why would I want to live as a gay man? I even tried to give in to the stereotypes and that was depressing too. Now I know that if I am gay that I don't have to live up to a sterotype. I am a masculine Star Wars nerd too btw.

    Like I said before I'm on a long cross country trip with my father and today I was passenger and just spent the whole time thinking. I made the realization that I never fantasize about women though I appreciate their beauty. I basically always fantasize about anal sex, penises being stroked against each other, and men kissing. I find women sexy but not as sexy as gay thoughts. My friends like to bring me to the strip clubs but it does absolutly nothing for me. Getting a lapdance does absolutly nothing for me, but it drives my friends crazy. Too me its just waisting money on women who pretend to like you to get your money.

    So when I think about it, it seems while women do not turn me off, they don't really turn me on either. When I think about wanting to hook up, I don't go looking at casual encounters pages for women seeking men, I look at men seeking men or tranny seeking men. I haven't hooked up like this except the times I mentioned before, but I come pretty close. Somehow to me the idea of hooking up with a female stranger is more disgusting then the same with a man. Almost like a female is dirtier or something. Its almost as if I could live with marrying a woman, but I feel like I'll constantly be plagued with curiosity about being with men. I absolutly do not want to be one of those guys who gets divorced because the wife found out he was secretly have gay sex behind her back.
     
  5. dgo

    dgo New Member

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    You sound almost identical to me and my situation!

    Personally, the one thing that kept me from accepting I was gay for a while is not having kids with the person I love, but marrying a woman just to have kids would be so unfair to her and any kids and really be using her, and it would all probably end in divorce or a lifelong unhappy marriage for both of us.

    You need to just be true to yourself, and live your story. It really does seem, especially with that new information you just shared, that you really are gay.

    Also, gay bars aren't the only place to find other gay guys. I mean, we're everywhere! ;) You just need to keep an eye open for it, chances are there are already a few gay guys in your life that you don't even know are gay (maybe because you assume they aren't, maybe because they don't like to tell everyone, maybe because they're going through the same thing as you right now). Also, just start talking to gay guys online, even if you don't meet them in person, even if they're in another state or another country. Just talking to other gay guys online could help you out, sharing stories, spilling your guts out to each other, make you feel more comfortable with yourself for being gay.

    You don't need to "conform" to any lifestyle, you don't need to go out to gay bars, just be yourself. :)
     
  6. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    ok, here's the question I ask all the guys who have posted this thread in the past.

    When you masturbate, what do you think about or watch to get off?

    Because, when you masturbate, that is the one time you cannot lie to yourself about what/who attracts you.
     
  7. Ivan

    Ivan New Member

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    Too long, didn't read everything, but from what I can see, you definitely like men.

    This doesn't mean you have to label yourself as gay, but if I had to label you, then I'd say yes, you are gay.

    You say you think about anal sex, penises and things like that when you masturbate... It pretty much settles it.
     
  8. NOVAJock

    NOVAJock Modded & Underrated

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    Awesome post! You pretty much said everything I was going to say.

    And also what Sam said....when you jerk off...it's the one time you are completely honest with yourself in what does and doesn't turn you and attract you. :o
     
  9. vlsi0n

    vlsi0n New Member

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    "Every time I think I'm close to knowing and accepting that I'm gay I have a freak out and try to ignore it."

    You're in a hazey denial I think. You sound afraid of what it means to be gay - but from reading your post it's pretty clear. :greddy:
     
  10. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    Gay!

    ...since you want to be restricted to a label. But where is the fun in that?? Find what you are comfortable with, and be you.

    I tend to not classify myself as anything other than 'queer'. I hear, the new PC Trend for men of color is to be 'same-gender loving' since so many people dislike the supposed negative connotations of simply being 'gay'.

    Find your own peace.
     

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