Need to vent, maybe some advice.

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by epracmetcon, Oct 10, 2009.

  1. epracmetcon

    epracmetcon New Member

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    Last night the girlfriend says she is going out with a female coworker for a drink, says her coworker has to pick up her kids at 5. I get off work about 5:15, dont hear from her which is unusual, so I try calling. Can't get a hold of her to save my life, and I am starting to get worried because she works 45 minutes away from home. Finally get a hold of her and come to find out she is with two of her coworker guy friends. One has a g/f the other doesn't. I someone flip out and say some things that were mean because she said she wanted space. After this she says she wants to come over a talk and whatnot so I agree to this and hangup.

    Fast forward an hour later I text her to ask where she was at and when she was planning on coming home. She tells me she thinks I hate her and am going to go out and do something stupid that night. So I try to call her and she won't answer and turns off her phone. Right before that she tells me we need a day to think and she is going to her female coworkers house. So I try calling her coworker and texting her and basically getting the run around which was making me angry.

    Come to find out she was with the two guys and never went to the female coworkers house which now I feel like an idiot. She tells me she doesn't know what she wants with us anymore(up to this point everything has been pretty good in the past year, so I thought). I find all this out last night talking to her in the car and that she lied about a couple nights before who she was with, these two guys.

    She tells me she lied because I would have flipped out which is probably true but now I am really angry and upset because she lied. She says nothing is going on between her and the single guy, he is a church going guy, all this yadda yadda yadda. I believe her that she is not cheating on me but I feel the intentions of this guy are not what she believes and will not believe me.

    We talked this morning for a good amount of time and she says she wants to work on why she thinks our relationship has not been the best the past few months. She says we don't do things like we used to, and I agree with that and told her we need to work on things. She says we need more time apart because we do honestly spend too much time together. She wants to go out more with her other coworker friends. I understand.

    Here's where it gets tricky, I tell her how I feel about her hanging out with this guy. She is going to a work gathering tonight and he is going to be there. I told her to go and have fun which she just needs some space. I tell her its ok, I trust she wont do anything while we are together. She also tells me that we were supposed to go to some haunted houses with other coworkers in a few weeks but now she does not want me to go because of the incident last night. She says she thinks it will be weird because they knew we were fighting, my only concern with this is this single coworker is going to be there.

    I asked very nicely that she not go unless I go. I told her I'm not trying to control her but she needs to accept my wishes because she would not be happy if I were doing the same to her. She tells me she will think about it. Now I am supposed to go to her house tomorrow to help her with some stuff and watch a movie.

    I really want to call this guy and basically tell him to step off but I don't know how well that would go down.

    Give me your advice OT.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2009
  2. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I really don't like the lying.

    I would slowly withdraw from the relationship, emotionally, so that by the time you break up she no longer matters and you are ready to fuck other girls.

    That probably sounds extreme to you.

    What other option do you have? If somebody is a liar you can't reasonably put your heart in their hands. Can you?
     
  3. epracmetcon

    epracmetcon New Member

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    I agree. I have vested so much into her though, this is the first time she has lied.
     
  4. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    to be clear, i think you're a little nuts in terms of your possessiveness and your distrust in her with other men.

    that's something you should work on, not for her in particular, but in general. it's a bad quality in a man. unlearn it. if for no other reason, unlearn it because it's not practical, i.e., it accomplishes exactly the opposite of what you want: the crazier a guy is about a girl doing innocuous things with other men, the more she wants to do those things.

    but there are two separate issues here. there is your own craziness, and there is the fact that she is a liar (first time or fiftieth). they are distinct issues. the question isn't "who's right?"

    the question is, what can you do?

    you don't have any options. she's a liar. no matter how crazy you were or weren't being, there's trust that you can't experience with a person who lies. of course, it really sucks. :hsd:
     
  5. epracmetcon

    epracmetcon New Member

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    I do agree. I need to work on myself and I have told her that. I told her that if she would have just been honest with me I probably would have eventually been ok with it. I am fortunate she has a guilty conscious and that is why she brought up she lied.
     
  6. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    You will probably just kiss and make up.

    But at least you can look back on this thread, X months from now, when the relationship is over, and be able to say, "I knew what to do, even if I didn't do it."
     
  7. epracmetcon

    epracmetcon New Member

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    Believe me, I am pretty pissed still. I really want to call this guy and tell him to step off. Two reason's I haven't just said fuck it is number one, I knew she has guy friends and two we have been together a year a week or so ago. I really have fallen hard for this girl and would like to make it work. I don't want to get hurt in the end though I guess either.
     
  8. epracmetcon

    epracmetcon New Member

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    I understand what you are saying and that's what is goin on in the back of my mind. She tells me there isn't and I know for a fact she wouldn't cheat on me that she would dump me before hand. She has told me she wants to make it work.
     
  9. epracmetcon

    epracmetcon New Member

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    I guess she wouldn't talk to me last night because she felt so shitty she had lied which, I've known her for a while to tell she is genuine when she says that.
     
  10. Sirian

    Sirian New Member

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    You are over possessive and controlling and it's going to lead to a break up if you don't start showing her you can trust her. You can't go through life with her expecting her never to have guy friends. You have to have the self confidence that you know you are the shit compared to them and that she isn't going to find someone better.

    Your situation sounds similar to one I was in with my ex before she broke up with me. I would get upset when she went out with guys, even though I knew the guys were harmless, it still made me upset. She eventually got tired of feeling like she had to ask for my permission to hang out with her friends and she ended it. I've come to realize I did have control and dependency issues which is what was the cause of it.

    Do you have other friends you do stuff with or is she pretty much it? I know at the end of my relationship I depended on her a lot for my happiness and when she would do things without me I would get upset. Focus on yourself and being able to be happy doing stuff without her so she can have fun doing stuff without you. As soon as you start becoming overly dependent on her and controlling of what she does, she is going to break up with you for fear of losing her independence.
     
  11. epracmetcon

    epracmetcon New Member

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    Sirian, I think you hit it right on the head on what I need to do. That is exactly what I needed to read. Thank you.

    I do have other friends, I just don't see them as much. Problem started is when we started dating we were both kind of clingy and she didnt have many friends that were still in the area. So we always did everything together. She never wanted to do anything with my friends because she always felt that they were just "my" friends. Now that she is starting to get her own friends I guess I am feeling the same way she did because I have become distant with some of mine. Now I am going out tonight to get drunk as shit with my friends and she has her work shindig. I hope this helps us and will tell her basically what you told me.
     
  12. Sirian

    Sirian New Member

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    :bigthumb: Good deal man, it will be good for the both of you, I know it. Wish someone had given me the advice I just gave you a few weeks before my ex finally ended it. Let me know how it goes, when you are out without her you also cannot be the crazy boyfriend texting her every 10 mins asking what she is doing or who she is with. Just concentrate on having your own fun and let her have hers!
     
  13. epracmetcon

    epracmetcon New Member

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    Yea, I am trying. I told her I will leave her alone tonight and that I just ask to call when she leaves and gets home as she will be drinking and its a 45 minute drive for her.
     
  14. jonno

    jonno New Member

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    i'd be pissed of as well. you said that this the first time she has lied... but i think it's just the first time you have caught her lying.
     
  15. PlutoBHG

    PlutoBHG New Member

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    Thats terrible...
     
  16. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    1. You are crazy insecure and possessive.
    2. Obviously she has done or said things in the past that made you not trust her, otherwise there's no way you would have freaked out so hard over this.
    3. You are obsessed and have no life outside of her. It's unattractive to her.
    4. You've only been together a year or less, this is the time where the infatuation wears off a little and she's noticing other guys and the attention she gets from them. Your insecurity and possessiveness only makes other men more attractive to her.
    5. She lied to you because she knew you'd be upset, but for good reason. She wanted to be alone with those 2 guys. She lied to you again abohut where she was going because she still wanted to be with these guys and deal with you later.
    6. Her telling you not to worry, that the 1 guy is "church-going" :mb: means nothing if she didn't tell apologize profusely and tell you you have nothing to worry about because she isn't interested in him what so ever.
    7. She doesn't want you to come out with her and the guys (and other co-workers) because she wants to keep you separate. There's a healthy way to have a separate life from your SO, but her intentions aren't healthy at all. She doesn't want you around solely because she's trying to cut herself loose from you, not because she's afraid you'll cause too much drama in her group :rolleyes:
    8. You basically demanding she not go without you only pushes her further from you.
    9. Her actions speak VOLUMES. Sounds like you are far more into her than she is into you.

    So, what do you do?

    If you want any chance of salvaging this sinking ship you need to restrict yourself from calling/texting her for the next 2 days. If she wants space, give her all the space in the world. In the meantime you need to immerse yourself into doing things for you. Hang out with your friends. Get a life of your own. It's only when you stop asking her every move that she's going to notice and care about you, though it might be too late depending on how she really feels about you.
     
  17. epracmetcon

    epracmetcon New Member

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    I never caught her, she was so upset she lied she told me she did.
     
  18. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    :ugh:

    Why do so many guys want to go and start stuff with another guy when the problem is between YOU and YOUR GF. You only want to take things out on this guy because you don't have the balls to deal with your own issues with your gf.

    For all you know, this guy doesn't have a clue what is going on with you two and he thought he was just going out for a drink with co-workers. There was nothing at all to indicate that he did anything but hang out with his co-workers after work. And by the way, you are VERY naive to not be worrying about the other guy just because he has a gf. She's doing things behind your back so there's no reason he couldn't be doing the same.
     
  19. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Exactly. If some girl was pursuing me, and I got a call or email or whatever from some guy who was allegedly her bf telling me to back off, I'd laugh. My response would be something like "How is it MY problem that she is disrespecting you?"

    Hell, TS, even if you did tell the guy(s) to back off, and they 100 percent stopped, it wouldn't stop her. She'd find someone else to pursue.

    And I'm still trying to figure out how you went to freaking out because you couldn't get a hold of her within what, the space of an hour or two?
     
  20. quamen

    quamen New Member

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    i didnt have to read the whole thing, only up to where she lied. dump her she will cheat on you, and is already looking for prospects.
     
  21. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    truth.

    thats retarded and only makes you look like a pathetic ass. If you had stayed calm, you could have tried to get to know the guy and maybe hes someone you could trust around your girl. too late now.
     
  22. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    he can't
     
  23. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    It's time to move on.
     
  24. epracmetcon

    epracmetcon New Member

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    It's over. Kind of relieved that it didn't get drug out, but at the same time I'm still heartbroken. Never had given my heart away to a girl like I did to her.
     
  25. Aronomy

    Aronomy Get your COME ON!

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    You are far too needy. Why would you call mulitple times in a row? If someone doesn't answer, leave a message, but don't be crazy with the phone.
     

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