SRS Need to be encouraged

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by ffunderfire, Aug 4, 2005.

  1. ffunderfire

    ffunderfire New Member

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    I'm married with two kids. Currently living with my parents. 24 yrs of age. male. My wife cheated on me last yr and has been with this fellow off and on since. I say off and on cause 2 times in that yr she has came crawling back to me begging forgiveness. I can forgive her. But I try to tell her that if we were to make a go at it again, it would have to start at the begining(dating). Reason being, I dont really trust her. If she can go back to him, who's to say she wont leave me again. If were dating, we can begin to fall in love again, the same way we fell in love 7 yrs ago. Anyhow, she is going through a lot right now. I think about her everyday. I just dont know if she feels the same way as me. I love her to death. And i want to work things out, but im scared of what she will do. I can't be hurt again like that. It's too much pain. Hell, I don't even know why Im saying that cause I dont know how she feels about me. I need some reassuring advice people. Thanks.
     
  2. Achmiel

    Achmiel Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshi

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    You need to drop her like a bad habit. She's telling you you're not good enough by cheating on you, then telling you you're good enough for the time being by crawling back. It's the harsh truth. Is that what you want your kids to think a relationship is??? I think you'd be MUCH better off w/o her. Just my $.02
     
  3. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Marriage in the general sense is supposed to be a contract for monogamy. She's not living up to the contract. If you're interested in giving her another chance (and honestly, I wouldn't be), then tell her it's the last chance she's going to get, and stick to your word if she fails. You deserve better than that in life, and your kids don't need to be brought up with that as the norm...
     
  4. johan

    johan Active Member

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    If by reassuring advice you want us to tell you that you and she will work out in the end...well, it's going to take some serious work and effort on her part. Your part...you've probably sweated blood over this already.

    You need to talk to a marriage counselor about your options. I have to be realistic with you, given your description, there may not be a whole lot you can do here.

    Talk to a counselor asap. This is for your own emotional wellbeing. You MUST start to think about yourself, and your own happiness. And know that it does not depend on HER. You will be just fine without her. (If it comes to that).

    In fact, after a time, your life will be better than ever. Trust me on this.

    If she comes "crawling back" again, tell her to crawl to the marriage counselor with you. The kinds of marital breaches she has been pulling cannot, repeat C-A-N-N-O-T be smoothed over with some light kissing, a night of hot sex, and empty promises about "never again, honey, I promise".


    You also need to expand your life more. You thinking about her every day is great, but at this point in your life, I am willing to bet that is due to your excessive NEED for her, rather than genuine love. This is also why you tolerate her fucking other men, and then you taking her back, and then her doing it all over again.

    No disrespect to you here, but you need to become more of a man. You must not tolerate her disrespect to you or your marriage. She will love you more for having a backbone again. And if she doesn't...you know what? There are about 3 billion other women on this planet.

    Marriage counselling. ASAP. Go by yourself if you have to. Go.

    Your marriage and your life can be so much more than the shitty shame-filled charade its been.
    But YOU must make it that way. Yes, YOU.

    Good luck to you. I sincerely hope you get the help you need.
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I would let her go back on the condition that she comes back for the kids. The children need a mommy, and its also the claim that you should make to your parents if they start asking questions for you taking her back, again for the children. Usually i say in these cases that people should brake up, because you should NEVER give a person the idea that they can 'get away with it' by cheating on you. I would give her one more reasonable chance tho, i consider marriage to be something very valuable and needed in order to provide a stable situation for your children to grow up in.

    If she asked you for forgiveness then you should (you really have to do this out of your own free will) forgive her, and demand conditions. Marriage counselling is one of them, and you have to ask your wife if she is prepared to go 'all the way' with you. I mean this isn't nothing, this isn't a joke or not serious. She threw the future away of you and your children by being selfish and it can happen again. This is a horrible situation that i wish no one would have to go thru.
     
  6. ffunderfire

    ffunderfire New Member

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    Thx for the advice. As much as it pains me, I guess there is no future with her if she is to act that way.
     
  7. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Well, there can be a future, but she has to really step up to the plate here.
    You two need to figure out a new way of interacting, a new context for this relationship.
    The old way...is clearly broken.

    You can rebuild from infidelity, but it's difficult and both partners have to want it, and you have to come to a new understanding of what it REALLY means to be married.
    What 'being married' really demands of you. It ain't all sunshine, church socials and iced tea on the back porch.

    It can bring out the best and the worst in people. You've seen the worst (hopefully)
    It's up to you if your relationship can bring out the best from you two.
     
  8. ffunderfire

    ffunderfire New Member

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    This is how it sits right now. She and her lover and I work at the same place.
    I work 2nd shift and she and her lover work 1st shift. So when I come into work, I see them leaving together, getting in the same car, and going home together. It kills me inside to see that. We have a decent friendship, but I want what we had 2 yrs ago.
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2005
  9. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    What you had 2 years ago probably isn't exactly as you remember it. In our memories we remember the good times, but look closely, I'm sure there were hints. You guys were young when you met. She wanted a new experience and apparently she liked it enough to continue it so for her I guess she didn't look at it as a mistake. I don't see how she could want you and keep seeing the guy she hurt you with. Don't fool yourself into thinking that your heart is big. She's stripped away all of your self confidence is what has really happened. You deserve better than that.
     
  10. wilyfem

    wilyfem Guest

    not to be insensitive, but "once a cheater, always a cheater" :hs:
     
  11. Bleed

    Bleed New Member

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    That is a slap in the face from YOUR WIFE. Jesus man. Are you that spineless where you can't walk away from this? You need to be slapped to be woken up. She obviously has no respect for you, shows it blatently, and she rubs it in your face while she's at it. She cheated on you twice and you took her back twice. If you don't do it for yoruself, do it for your kids - don't let them grow up around a cheating whore who has no respect for her family.
     
  12. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    And you're putting up with this because you enjoy being a doormat? Drop her like a used condom (because she is... she's a semen receptacle for some other guy...) and get a divorce. Also, get paternity tests done on your kids.
     

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