SRS Need to a fix a problem from my past that is affecting me today...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Jonari, Nov 11, 2006.

  1. Jonari

    Jonari Well-Known Member

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    Coming from an Indian family definetly has its ups & downs. The pros being showered with expensive gifts, being spoiled, and having minimal restrictions on things. However, the cons include having strict cultural beliefs - which can cause one to not be able to do what they wish. The point I'm getting at is, when I was younger my mom used to hit me when I used to do something wrong or get bad grades.

    Edit: Sorry, I had to use the next 2 posts to finish up what I was saying. For some reason, my uploading speeds on my computer are really damn slow. :hs:
     
  2. Jonari

    Jonari Well-Known Member

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    Seems perfectly normal, nothing I should complain about since all parents do this correct, or no? However, during elementary school (age 6 - 10) when I used to get hit from my mom, I would get hit for prolonged period of time for 15 - 20 minutes, with verbal abuse as well. It got to the point as when I got older (11 - 15), I would lie to my mom about the grades I received in school because I was so afraid of her hitting me again, I would say. I never had a mother/son relationship; as with my Dad, not really close to him either - my brother is close with him. Finally turning 21, I still hide things from my mother (ie relationship, grades, etc) in the fear that I'll be tortured by her again, and that's something I don't want. Everytime, I do something wrong, I tremble with fear as to what my mother will do to me. It's been almost 6 years since my mom has hit me again, however I can't seem to get over the fact about all of this.
     
  3. Jonari

    Jonari Well-Known Member

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    I decided to start a relationship with my mother, when I informed her about my girlfriend. My girlfriend is 27 & Brazilian & is separated from her husband. I though having a gf would bring my mom & me closer - however it completley backfired. Recently I made a thread about how she called my gf and told her to break up with me. I can't believe that my very own mom would go behind my back & do something like that.

    My question is, how can I overcome this fear that I've felt ever since I was a child. I can see that this characteristic has rubbed off on me, because whenever my gf does something wrong I'll verbally abuse her (no physical abuse) & I realized that bc the things my mom did to me, I do to others...
     
  4. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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  5. Genghis.Tron

    Genghis.Tron New Member

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    Yup, I think therapy would be the best solution. There would be 2 kind of therapies that can be useful according to what you're saying :
    - Cognitive-behabioral therapy combined with EMDR methodology (which works REALLY well with traumatic experiences such as the ones you lived). You'll know really fast (a couple of sessions) if it helps you to go in the right direction or not.

    - If you have time, money and patience, there's psychodynamic-oriented psychotherapy which will concentrate on what you felt in the past and how it affects your life now. You have to find out a good psychodynamic therapist though, many are dubious at best, and it can be quite long before you realize if it's worth it or not (we're taking months here).
     
  6. ~*Pogovina*~

    ~*Pogovina*~ Whip it! Whip it good!!

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    I would also suggest a form of cognitive or emotive behavioral therapy, as it does generally help with victims of abuse and traumatic events better than generic talk therapies. I was also abused as a child, but by my father and I broke contact with him for a number of years. I tried to rebuild a relationship with him after I had my children but I have broken contact off again because he approached me about my childhood and proclaimed that he had never abused me or my mother and that we were making it up, out to get him. I didn't like having to just avoid contact but with his instability and unwillingness to accept responsibility for his actions and the outcome of them, I felt it was damaging to continue the relationship. With REBT, I have recovered from some of the damage caused by my childhood, but it is a long process. Maybe after I have healed I will be willing to try again, but for now I feel that it would be a source of tension and anger for me.

    It may be necessary to do as I have and break off the relationship with your mother for the time being. Later you may be able to find a way to approach her that will help her realize how her actions have affected you or include her in the active healing process. You may also find that like my father, she may be unwilling to participate or acknowledge what you're telling her. Unfortunately, I can't think of a healthy way to have a relationship with my father with him being like that, maybe someone could suggest a way to maintain a relationship with your mother in a healthy way regardless of her level of participation.

    Another thing that therapy will help with is the mirroring that you are doing, repeating the learned responses to being displeased with a person or situation. You can then stop those habits and learn healthy behaviors to replace them, which will be beneficial to your relationship with your girlfriend.

    I suggested this exercise to someone else, maybe it will also be helpful to you, either long term or just until you find a therapy method and therapist that work for you:

    http://www.albertellisfoundation.org/library/shf.html
     

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