Need some female perspective on my situation

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Kalypso, May 26, 2008.

  1. Kalypso

    Kalypso New Member

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    I have a very strong feeling that I'm not going to like what I hear, but whatever, fuck it.

    About two months ago me and this girl, let's call her Farrah, started talking a bunch. Within a week we were either hanging out or talking on aim for long periods of time every day, we had an enormous amount in common and an obvious connection, started dating like a month ago. Right before we started officially dating she literally asked me what I was waiting for, and acted extremely happy during the first week of the relationship.

    About a week after we started dating she started to act less and less enthused, it was obvious something was wrong but I wasn't really sure what... less signs of affection, less playing around, eventually less eye contact. I sensed a breakup, and sure enough the day after I started strongly suspecting a breakup she called me to let me know she needed 'a break.' I was obviously upset over this and she came over to my place on her own volition to make sure that I knew that it wasn't my fault, it wasn't anything that I had or hadn't done, she just couldn't deal with a relationship and needed some time to think. Day after that we hung out, then ended up having sex, two days after that she says she wants 'to keep dating, but not technically be in a relationship.' When I asked what that meant, she said it was just like we were together, but she didn't want to technically be in a relationship, because it makes her crazy or whatever. Presently it's back to the way it was before she started acting upset, everything seems fine, although I'm really not sure what to make of the situation.

    Obviously there's more to the story than that, but essentially what I've concluded is one of two things is going on. I know she has significant trust problems due to past boyfriends (A good portion of them were complete pieces of shit, one was abusive, one told her he had lung cancer to try and get her to stay with him, etc.). It is possible that the concept of being in a relationship just fucks with her head and she wants to be with me without going through the mindfuck of being related to her past relationships. The other possibility in my head is that she doesn't really want to be with me, per-se, but she doesn't want to be single, and I'm essentially 'Mr. Right Now' until someone else comes along, I'm better than being single but not good enough to fully commit to. Either are possible, but I have to say that she's probably said more complimentary things about me than everyone else in my life combined for the past few years, and for the happy periods she seems extremely happy with the situation. She's said, quite literally, that I'm everything she ever looked for in a guy, and that I was 'perfect,' she just has issues to work out.

    Anyway, I've over-analyzed this to death and I can't really conclude anything, I'm hoping some of you vag women have some perspective on the situation, don't sugar coat it, just tell me what you think is going on.
     
  2. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    You know best, and based on what you know, YOU have come up with two alternatives

    1. The title of relationship (oh no JJJ is coming I can feel it) bothers her b/c of her past or

    2. You're Mr Right now.

    Now, lets go through the possible courses of action given scenario 1, then 2. I'll assume in these scenarios that you want to continue dating, and thats why you asked.

    1. Relationships freak her out, your possible courses of action:
    A. Have a ground rules conversation. Say you understand she doesn't want the title. This title comes with a lot of default rules, and since you don't have the title, you need to come up with your own ground rules. This elimates the 'we aren't in a REAL relationship so I can do XY and Z. (unless of course you agree to XYandZ)
    B. The outcome of conversation A can clue you into whether or not you want to get too emotionally involved. Does it seem like shes about to bolt? If its really just the title, carry on as you were. If she seems flighty about the relationship as a whole, not just the title, you can
    i. Remain detached and hope she comes around
    ii. Go full in and risk getting hurt
    iii. Hit/quit

    2. You're Mr Right Now
    A. Carry on as you are, either attached or detached, and convince her you're "mr right" (i'm using this term because the OP is, don't flame me for bringing up the concept)
    B. Carry on as you are, with the intention of getting while the gettings good, use the relationship for what its good for without future expectations.
    C. Dump
     
  3. Kalypso

    Kalypso New Member

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    Heh, based on the way she's acting, what would you say is going through her head? I don't know best, I don't really have the slightest clue, I'm also too close to the situation to give any unbiased critique.

    We already had that conversation, and all the ground rules of a relationship apply.
     
  4. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I'm going to power fuck my LSATS, look at that outline, just look at it
     
  5. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Unfortunately, you've already given the two most likely scenarios, and we have NO way of differentiating :hs:

    Past relationships can have a major impact on willingness to get into new ones. However, most of us aren't that bright. We get into bad relationships because thats just what we fucking do (the ones of us that do, that is.) so if she's going w/ scenario A, she's probably a good catch, honestly. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to break out of social-habits.

    BUT

    If she is the type to get into bad relationships (which you said she is) and not the type to make ground breaking changes (which few people are) she probably needs a bf at all times, just the type that needs to be in a relationship. If this is the case, yeah, she might just be keeping you around to fulfill that need.

    Lets do this: Has she ever been single for a decent amount of time, or is she always involved. If always involved, i'd say you're mr right, if she's been single, she's probably just nervous about getting involved.
     
  6. Kalypso

    Kalypso New Member

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    Mmm, pity. Is there anything specifically you'd need to know to differentiate?

    She's pretty awesome, otherwise I wouldn't care, I'm very picky. She's DEFINITELY changed her life in massive ways (Example- she dropped out of high school, and is now in college with a 3.8 GPA. She used to do a lot of drugs, has now quit all of them). A massive change isn't really a stretch, she knows how fucked up some of her past behavior was and definitely goes out of her way to avoid it.

    She's essentially been in relationships non-stop from when she was 15 until last August (When she was 19, now 20). That was the lung cancer guy, since then she's been single. Several guys have tried to date her in that period but she turned them all down, until me.
     
  7. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    that is to say,
    A. Recognizing that she had a problem picking out good guys and taking steps (effectively) to change that is a sign of a really good catch-if thats the case, pursue.

    B. If she is the type who gets into, and stays in, bad relationships-then she probably needs to be in one at all times. If this is the case, then you are probably fulfilling that need.

    To determine if B is coming into play, you only have to see if she's been single before, if not, then B is not in play, if yes, then B is not in play but that doesn't mean A has to be the case by default.
     
  8. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    She sounds like me :hs:
    How long was she single?
     
  9. Kalypso

    Kalypso New Member

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    Mmm... like 5-6 months.
     
  10. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I'd say go for it, you don't have anything to lose right?
    (ibnooneelsesaysgiveitashot)
     
  11. Kalypso

    Kalypso New Member

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    I am going for it, I always go for what I want, I'd just like to know what the fuck is going on, heh.
     
  12. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Thats a silly, unfulfilable desire, and you'd be miserable if it came true.
    Back to bending these practice tests over and giving them whats what
     
  13. Kalypso

    Kalypso New Member

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    touché
     
  14. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Sounds like a load of horseshit to me :dunno:

    I can understand being hurt in the past by bf's, but you are in no way even helping the situation out. You're pretty much saying, "here! use me for sex!" And that'd be fine if that's what you wanted, but you want her to be your "girlfriend." She's getting everything she wants and you are getting...well sex and a sort of relationship with half-hearted emotions.

    She was excited before you were bf/gf because the anticipation is always exciting, but the fact that she wanted to be together and then did a 180 the second you got a label make no sense. You are no different with that label, other than the fact that it implies you are monogamous (if those are the terms I'm sure you would like to abide by).

    You need to talk to this girl. You need to figure out what you want. If you want her to be your gf then you need to state that. If she says she "can't do that" I'm willing to bet there's more issues than just bad past bf's whom she seems to have no problem staying in relationships with :hsugh:

    Start thinking about yourself.
     
  15. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    She used you, got tired of you, and dumped you. It's all there in in the first 2 paragraphs.
     
  16. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    After reading this thread, I'm so fucking hot for you right now! :naughty::rofl: Ok...so I was hot for you before but man....I'm burning up now. :)

    But seriously, I agree with demos.

    We all do crazy shit in relationships. Those of us that have had bad ones and are trying to change that, do really crazy shit.....or what seems to be really crazy shit.

    What I think is most funny is that so many people want to clarify ambiguity. Most people can't stand to just let things ride and instead have to push for clarification when none is needed.

    People are also deathly afraid of being used because noone wants to be perceived as a chump.

    These two things work against healthy relationships. Why? Because very often at the start of relationships there's a LOT of ambiguity and fear. So people work to protect from being used AND clarify any/all ambiguity when they simply need to chill.

    You all get along and you like her. Be patient with her as she works through her shit. Be supportive of her and she sorts out her feelings for you. Try to be comfortable with ambiguity instead of always trying to clarify it. Do these things and you just might end up with a woman that feels safe enough with you to completely drop her guard and let you get close. That's a great place to be.

    Good luck.
     
  17. Kalypso

    Kalypso New Member

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    That's pretty much exactly what I needed to hear, heh, thanks.
     
  18. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    :bowdown:

    Came here to post this
     
  19. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    You are a self-hating male.
     
  20. Jacy

    Jacy red lipstick brigade

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    this sounds a little bit like my close friend's last relationship--
    my friend has low self esteem, so she was seeking the validation of having the title of being this guy's girlfriend .. but as soon as he agreed to it after her pressuring him, she lost interest in him. in the situation with my friend, he was "mr right now." he wasn't what she really wanted, but he was the best thing that came along at the time ...

    knowing this, she didn't really want to commit 100% to him.. but she did not realize this until she had the title. she was being really selfish :/
     
  21. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    she's serving up a shit sandwich and you are eating it

    at least you got some sex out of the deal

    notice how every part of your post focuses on HER and HER ISSUES

    she's only acting this way because you are putting up with it instead of calling her on her bullshit and enforcing boundaries

    in short, either put your foot in her ass or move on
     
  22. Kalypso

    Kalypso New Member

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    I'm well aware that she has issues, and that I don't and that I'm taking the brunt of the issues at the moment. That doesn't bother me. I'd rather try and work through them than just abandon all hope, it's quite rare I find someone that I deem worth fighting for, and she's definitely it.

    Just because it's all about her at the moment doesn't mean it's always going to be, and I really don't think it means it won't work out in the long run, it's just kind of shitty at the moment. Putting my foot in her ass would just immediately end whatever we have, that wouldn't really be an intelligent thing to do. It's not like I let her walk all over me and don't enforce any boundaries at all, I'm just being mailable to her situation to see if it can be worked through.

    That's my point of view on the whole thing anyway, who knows, could be wrong.
     
  23. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    Has she ever seen a counselor about this? She chooses these guys for a reason and she needs to figure out what that reason is so that she can stop doing that or else she's never going to be happy with a guy who isn't like that. You said she's in school so she has no excuse not to see one since they have them for free for students.
     
  24. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Totally disagree.

    What you are describing is tough love. She's had her share of that and tough love is rarely about healing and wholeness. It's much more selfish than is necessary.

    Thing is, there's no guarantee either way. Yail believes his method will work all the time, every time and he leaves no room for any other forms of relationships that are both mutually health and mutually fulfilling.

    That's fine but I strongly disagree with his approach in this situation. The down side is, unless your SO really wants to change, she's likely just use you and leave you. However, if she does want to change....great things could happen.
     
  25. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    all I meant was that he was just a one night stand.

    I don't see how that makes me "self-hating".
     

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