SRS Need some advice re: turbulent friendship

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Nuhlinga, Oct 14, 2008.

  1. Nuhlinga

    Nuhlinga Whaa gwaaan papcaann?

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    Evening all. First time posting in here but have been trollign for a while.

    So about 3 years abo I meet this girl, we become fast friends, eventually close friends, and best friends, at one point she started calling me her 'twin' cause we were so much alike (a few people have said this too)
    So recently we've been pretty distant because she has a boyfriend. That happens, I know. Ive been trying to go out for a night with her seeing as we havent for over a year or so.
    Asked her out two weeks ago to the day, got a 'not sure yet'. fine, no problem.
    come Friday, I remind her again, she said she's still not sure and will let me know. Dont hear from her, but come Monday I see that she went out with her group of friends. Not amused. bring it up to her and she says she's sorry, and that I shouldve called her.:squint:
    Asked her out again that day for the weekend past, got the same 'not sure' answer
    come Friday I ask her again and now she's telling me that she's going out with her friends and I should tag along. wtf. once again not amused.
    started arguing, she basically doesnt want to go out unless its with her group of friends, literally told me she's not going out with anyone knowing her friends are out somehwere else :wtf:
    when I ask her why, all she says is 'that's just the way it is'
    yesterday, tried talking to her in a calm way about why she doesnt like going out with me alone, couldnt get a thing out of her, just the same "thats just the way it is" then seh starts ignoring me, saying she's miserable. Fine.

    contact her again today and get the same treatment.
    Fianlly got fed up and told her that she's acting like a bitch when I'm trying to maturely fix things, and that I wont waste any time on her anymore, and to call me when she grows up.

    So, who is wrong here? Am I being a bit too pushy?
    Bear in mind, I've been out with her and her frends before, and hated it. They're from a different lifestyle, and whenever I tag along I feel left out, and she does nothing to help it.
    She also has a boyfriend, who I know as well, but am not a big fan of. But had she brought him up as the reason for the problem I'd understand, somewhat. After all, we've been friends from long before they met - they been together for abotu a year now.


    Sorry for the long post.:o
     
  2. Nuhlinga

    Nuhlinga Whaa gwaaan papcaann?

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    Should also note that a simialr argument happened in January between us, when I went out with her friends, got pissed and left. Basically tried to cut contact with her, but didnt work. :sad2:
     
  3. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    This doesn't exactly sound like a strong friendship...

    Are you her friend or her 'friend' ?
     
  4. eXyle

    eXyle ׂ

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    don't focus on who's right or wrong, it'll do little to nothing to alleviate the issue and if you pursue that angle, it will get you nowhere.

    it seems that she just doesn't want to set aside some time to spend with you alone. it would be nice if she was upfront and told you that and why, but she isn't and i don't see it being worth the effort in finding out why. she may be uncomfortable around you alone, she may have outgrown you, her boyfriend would yell at her for being with you alone, the list goes on and on. the reason doesn't matter all that much, just accept the situation for what it is.

    keep in mind, your final response towards her wasn't all that mature either. just tell her that you'd like to go out with her alone just to catch up and that having others there would interfere. if she's not up for that, then you just have to accept that things are different now. friendships require work too to be maintained and it takes effort from both parties, not just one to do so. if she's not willing to put in some effort and is not being upfront with you as to why, then you just have to move on.

    it sucks, but people do outgrow friendships. if she wanted to be your friend on the level that it was before, she would "fight" for it. her lack of "fight" means she's okay with how things are now and if her attitude doesn't change once you "leave", then it means she's okay with you being out of her life.

    also, this is supposed to be a friendship, not a relationship, so don't confuse the two and don't react or behave like it's a relationship. in other words, it's okay to be hurt by her actions and to call her out, but only to an extent. is there more to this story that you're not telling? do/did you have feelings for her?
     
  5. Nuhlinga

    Nuhlinga Whaa gwaaan papcaann?

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    Sorry, forgot to add that part :o
    Yea, when we met I had some strong feelings for her, and over the first two years or so, which I told her.
    I race karts/cars as a hobby, and am working towards a career in motorsports. She's into racing too, which is quite rare, so...:o
    She basically brushed me off saying she only dated older guys (is that a re flag btw). But now those feelings are about 90% gone. I could never see myself in a relationship with her anymore.
     
  6. eXyle

    eXyle ׂ

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    here's a cruddy analogy:

    there's a gap between you two, all you can do is build your half of the bridge, if she's unwilling to build her half, that gap will never be bridged.

    therefore, all you can do is offer to do your part to continue the friendship, if she's unwilling to figure things out with you, then it's time to move on. the whole feelings thing complicates things as it makes you less likely to walk away and will influence you to act in certain ways (lashing out, saying you're the only one trying, etc). there's only so much you can do, once you've done your part and she doesn't do hers, walk away. you gotta know when to hold 'em or fold 'em.
     
  7. Nuhlinga

    Nuhlinga Whaa gwaaan papcaann?

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    I dont think she has a problem being around me alone, I used to hang at her house in her room all the time, I doubt its that.
    Yes I may admit I was a bit angry when making that last comment to her, I just found it a bit childish because she knows she can tell me anything.
    I also dunno if her boyfriend is making an issue of it becuse just in June we were in Barbados with a group of firends and she stayed with 4 other guys in a villa. Mind you the boyfriend wasnt there, and this issue has been going on for nearly a year now.
    Meh, I dunno, sucks man:hs:
     
  8. Nuhlinga

    Nuhlinga Whaa gwaaan papcaann?

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    Thanks man.:hsd:

    I dont think I'm going to push anything anymore. Wont cut off all contact, but wont call her up or text her or anything. Or mabye I should apologise in some way and THEN distance myself. What you think?
    Bear in mind I tried this already and within 4 months or so she started trying to contact me incessantly:confused:

    Women are confusing man. BTW we're both 21.
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2008
  9. eXyle

    eXyle ׂ

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    to be honest, there's nothing you really need to apologize for. in this case, you just didn't react in the best way, but you didn't actually do anything wrong. just don't behave that way again, which will do more good than apologizing. actions tend to speak louder than words. besides, while it may be sincere, actually verbalizing an apology may do more harm than good.

    if you've already discussed things with her, you just need to pull back at this point and look out for yourself. honestly though, the feelings you had/have for her are playing a larger role in this whole thing than you may think. no offense, but it sounds like your friendship is shaping up to be a lot like the other "friendzoned" type of friendships that are typically posted. i don't mean to dismiss what you're feeling and going through, but you do need to figure out what it is exactly you want from her. unless it's 100% nothing more than friends, ever, then you're gonna have way more bumps in the road than you would experience in a normal friendship.

    it seems like you're on the path to being completely over her, so pulling back may do you some good. once you're completely over her, you'll be in a better position to determine what type of friendship (if any) you want from her and how to go about it.

    haha, prolly not the best or most optimistic of answers, but you kinda just have to accept things for what they are. she only has her own interests in mind, it's time for you to do the same. if anything, take some solace in knowing that others have been through this and have come out the other side just fine, you can and will too.
     
  10. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    A) Maybe she just doesn't feel comfortable going out alone with you...deal with it. She has a bf, he may not be comfortable with the idea, especially if you liked her at some point.

    B) Maybe she's just the type that prefers to go out with groups. She was trying to accommodate you, at least in her own way, and you didn't go for it.

    C) If you're not happy with the way something is going, why waste your time on it?
     
  11. Nuhlinga

    Nuhlinga Whaa gwaaan papcaann?

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    she just hit me up on MSN, as if nothing happened :confused: to show me that she made the top 10 most beautiful women in Jamaica (oh yea, she used to be a model, and a radio show host, done a few commercials, hosted a tv show, pretty popular girl :hsugh: )
    I just acknowledged her and left it at that :hs: in no mood to have any sort of conversation
     
  12. Nuhlinga

    Nuhlinga Whaa gwaaan papcaann?

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    anybody else wanna contribute?:hsd:
     
  13. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    lol. go watch just friends.
     
  14. mild83

    mild83 New Member

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    Pics?
     
  15. Nuhlinga

    Nuhlinga Whaa gwaaan papcaann?

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  16. mild83

    mild83 New Member

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    To give an honest opinion, I would want to see if it's worth it. Deep down, you know that you have a "thing" for her. Men don't try to have platonic relationships in the beginning. It's only really possible after a relationship has occurred and has ended.
     
  17. Nuhlinga

    Nuhlinga Whaa gwaaan papcaann?

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    well like i said, I tried shortly after we met, and got shot down on the premise of 'i only date older men.' meh. :dunno:
     
  18. MP18

    MP18 New Member

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    (i haven't read any of the other responses)

    you're wrong. if you haven't seen each other for a while cause of her bf, then she could changing, ie not interested in a platonic relationship with you anymore, not that she needs a bf to decide that

    lets face it, if she wanted to hang out with you, she would, you can't fault her for doing something she doesnt want to do, the real mature thing to do would be to understand that people change and need different things at different times

    friendships come and go, plus she's a chick for christs sake, and its suspicious that your desire for friendship with her is completely platonic; not cause im acting like i know you, but because of the inherent desires of males and females

    if you really care about her, understand her and let her do your own thing, if you are in need (which it sounds like youre not) and she won't come to your aid, then obviously she's not the friend you thought she was...you can vent by calling her a bitch for your own therapy, but dont think it will solve anything, it never does
     

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