Need some advice from the relationship guru's

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by BenFer, Nov 11, 2009.

  1. BenFer

    BenFer I've seen bigger OT Supporter

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    So, to start I began dating this girl in June. We were both really into each other, and thing got hot an heavy fast. We both claimed love for each other and everything was great. Good sex, we get along with each others friends and family, able to talk about everything. I really felt comfortable and happy around her. Granted we were still in the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship, but i do know what love feels like for me, and it was there. Toward the end of August she became a little distant and decided to break it off. She is a single mom who doesn't get any support from the father, and was in the midst of moving to new apartment. I was hurt for sure, but when she put it into perspective, I understood. She has to take care of her son, and pay all of her bills etc, and still yet deal with her ex when her son goes to visit. With all that in mind she said she couldn't give me the attention i deserved and it was not fair to me etc. She also felt emotionally exhausted. Her Mom also moved out of state int his time span so she had a lot going on.

    Excuses aside, i soldiered on and was sad, but doing OK. I got a text from her maybe 3 weeks ago. She needed help with her car (I'm a mechanic) and really didn't have any one else to turn to. After paying 100 dollars in towing there wasn't much extra for repairs. I honestly did not think it would be a big deal, but when I saw her my heart completely sank. my feelings were deeper than I originally thought to say the least. I emailed her and told her that I still had feelings etc. and she elaborated on why she had to break it off.

    semi-long story aside my question is this. I have been on a couple dates since the car thing went down, and I have met a girl that is really cool. My feelings for my ex are still heavily on my mind. Is it wrong to try a new relationship when I know my head wont be in the game all the way?

    My second question I already know the answer to, but should I contact my ex one last time? we have only spoke the once when she needed some help. I haven't drunk dialed her or anything. I would put the brakes on everything to be with her :hs:

    thank everyone for any help.
     
  2. Deborah

    Deborah Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.

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    I don't think it is fair to the new girl if you still have feelings for the ex, maybe you should give yourself some more time to heal first.

    and if it put your mind at ease, contact her one more time, but do you really think you can get anything out of it? Also if you like to get back together with her at some point this might just make you sound needy and lessen your chances, just my two cents.
     
  3. BenFer

    BenFer I've seen bigger OT Supporter

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    I don't know that I will accomplish anything by talking to her more. I fear sounding needy. I also want to tell her I would wait for her, even though that is probably not healthy for me.
     
  4. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    You can have feelings for this new girl even though you have feelings for your ex. It's fine. Just be open and don't white lie.
     
  5. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    Don't sabotage what you currently have to live in the past. Enjoy and appreciate what you have and make the best of it. No drunk dialing!
     
  6. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    the past is the past. Let it go.

    Absolutely try to move on with this new girl. Sure things may not be ideal, and you may not be 100% "ready" but life is funny like that... things happen when you aren't ready for them all the time.


    As long as you aren't still in contact with your ex, its fine to pursue the new one.
     
  7. PcH

    PcH Guest

    I'm no relationship guru, but it sounds like your ex is contacting you when she wants something from you. All of those excuses were bullshit in my opinion, she just wants her car fixed for free.
     
  8. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    .
     
  9. BenFer

    BenFer I've seen bigger OT Supporter

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    thanks everyone. I am getting the answers I was expecting, but maybe not what I wanted. I'm trying not to be self destructive.
     
  10. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    So, what is it about her (your ex) that makes you want to be with her so bad?
     
  11. themolsen

    themolsen New Member

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  12. BenFer

    BenFer I've seen bigger OT Supporter

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    She just seemed to be the best fit for me. I can't really explain it.
     
  13. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Let me try this again...

    Part of helping you through this is getting you to explain it.
     
  14. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    This

    <<<<<<<<<<<<<<
     
  15. BenFer

    BenFer I've seen bigger OT Supporter

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    I guess I have never felt so comfortable with someone. Se was very self confidant. We shared the same taste in music, movies, food etc. She had goals in life she wants to achieve. many of those thins I havent had in other relationships. just similar interests.
     
  16. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Ok, that's a little better.

    Now, which of those things do you feel like you can't get from another woman?
     
  17. BenFer

    BenFer I've seen bigger OT Supporter

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    I dont know that I will ever feel so comfortable. She was like a best friend.
     
  18. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    But you have other friends in your life that you are comfortable with, no?

    Do you feel the same way about them? Can you remember a time when you lost a friend in some manner (i.e. graduated and they moved away, fight, whatever) and felt the same way? What was the outcome of that? Were you right?
     
  19. BenFer

    BenFer I've seen bigger OT Supporter

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    I have friends i am super comfortable around, but I can't really compare. IMO a physical relationship changes it a lot. If she moved away it wouldn't even be a question.
     
  20. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    I am just trying to get you to think of other times in your life where you suffered a loss like this and felt you'd never recoup to see if your feelings THEN were true or if they were just a product of the pain you felt.

    I think it'll be really helpful for you if you have some other reference experience to compare this to that you can look at and say "oh, hey, I made it through that and things worked out find."

    That would help to lessen the effects of the pain, and help blunt the power that this girl holds over you.

    Granted, if you have no reference experience, there are other ways to cope with the pain, but I thought I'd see about this first.
     
  21. BenFer

    BenFer I've seen bigger OT Supporter

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    I understand what you are saying. I was more curious if I should give it one more shot. Also if it is unfair to the new girl if I still have all these feelings. We have only been out twice and it isn't serious, but i still don't want to waste her time.
     
  22. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Logically, giving it one more shot isn't going to get you the result you desire.

    Realistically? It might help you at least get some closure so that you can move on with your life.

    And it's only unfair to the new girl if you lie to her about how you feel about her. You don't have to mention that you are hung up on your ex, but you do need to be pretty clear that you aren't looking for anything serious at the moment.
     

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