Need some advice before I go crazy...

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Sexican, May 14, 2005.

  1. Sexican

    Sexican New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2005
    Messages:
    213
    Likes Received:
    0
    I have asked quite a few relationship advice questions here, and most of the responses I got helped quite a bit.

    I am in a situation out of the ordinary, and need some answers...

    I know a few of you might remember my other questions I had, that were pretty stupid situation questions, so forget those.

    Here is my dilemma:
    I have been going out with this girl Allison now for about 6-7 months. She is absolutely gorgeous, smart, has a straight head on her shoulders, and knows exactly what she is doing for her life. She is 17 years old, but has the maturity of someone about 20 or so. I am 20 years old, dropped out of High School, been a pothead for the last few years (just recently I quit smoking pot by about 95%), I live with my mom, I bounce from job to job...etc. Those are my negative qualities...Fo the positives, I am very smart regardless that I dropped High School, I am very very funny, and I have a sensitive side like most guys never get.

    So here it is: I live in Oregon right now, and am moving to California in about a month to live there and work...basically get away from all the people that slow me down from straightening my life out here. Allison is finishing up High School, and is moving down to California at the end of August where she will attend College down there. For the most part, me and Allison are great together...I make her laugh, she makes me happy, I make her feel good about herself, and she makes me happy. I asked her about staying together after I leave because she is moving down to Cali about 5 months after me, and we'll be about 7 hours driving distance from each other. Her response: No, she wants to "experience" a new life and have no ties with anyone when she goes to college. I hated hearing that, but after hearing from multiple sources, that she is only being honest with me, and that is wrong for me to be mad at her for giving me those reasons. I told her I loved her one night for the first time, and she couldn't say it back...I haven't cried for years, but that made me cry for a long time...I'm sure alot of you have felt that.

    So I have another month here, and I want to spend every one of those days together, especially weekends. Every single weekend she goes out and parties with her friends, and never invites me...even though I BEG her to stay with me some weekends. For example tonight she's going to party with a whole bunch of guys and girls, and doesn't invite me. I offereed instead to make her dinner and just have an intimate night with me, but she says "No, I already had plans" but she never is willing to make plans with me. I don't know what to do...she doesn't care about me as much as I care about her, and if I were to be like "I don't think we should eb together anymore" I KNOW she would get over it in less than 24 hours, where as I will want to call her and change my mind in a couple days.

    Obviously it isn't working, and in a month it won't work anyway because we will be so far from each other...She says we should just be happy with the time we DO spend...but that's usually for about an hour a day, maybe 2...just hanging out. No sense of intimacy, just the basic "Hey, how was your day" stuff.

    Should I just go along with the being happy with the couple hours we see each other a day, even though it's usually going to the park, or somethign else that's wide open in the public? Or should I understand that it's going to be over in a month anyway, and just let her go and deal with it - and if that is the case...how do you get over someone? I know time heals everything, but the first couple weeks are so painful.

    If anyone took the time to read all this, thank you, and please give me some kind of advice...and I know I left out important information, so if any questions, feel free to ask.

    Thank you so much.
     
  2. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2001
    Messages:
    13,610
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    lovely orlando
    for starters, you need to get off the pot 100%. :rolleyes: there's no reason to be using drugs. you need to go back to school and get your GED if you haven't already. honestly, i would really look at yourself and start bettering yourself as a person. there is NO reason to have the negative qualities you describe having. it's time to grow up and mature. you're 20 years old, and there are sooo many positive things you can do with your life.

    congrats on the move, but if you think that moving is going to keep you from the baggage in oregon, you've got another thing coming. why do you think they call it baggage? :rofl: you can't just pick up shop and move when things get rough. you have to acknowledge things and deal with them. (now, if the friends you have in oregon use drugs, yes that does mean that you need to remove them from your life.)

    .../rant

    now onto said girl... much props to her for actually being honest with you! i went through the same thing when i was a senior in high school. i dated a guy for 6 months, and even though my logical side told me that he "wasn't the one for me," it was still hard to come to the realization that after i graduated we'd move on our separate paths. i was going to eventually move (1500 miles) to attend college, and he was a new devoted marine.

    we had a lot of firsts together. he was my first real boyfriend and first real relationship. of course it was sad knowing that things wouldn't ever be the same again, but that couldn't take away the many laughs and experiences we spent together.

    ;) it's really not the end of the world. she'll move on and you'll move on. be happy with the time you spent together, and don't look at it as the end of the world. :)

    i'm being honest here, (and maybe i'm wrong), but i really think that the reason this is upsetting you so much is that you feel you don't have anything else to be happy about or look forward to. you're young and you can do anything and become anything if you set your mind to it!

    :)
     
  3. symptic

    symptic I run companies

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2003
    Messages:
    13,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    Guys have a sensitive side, but girls don't like that, so they keep it in check. I recommend you do the same before a girl ditches you for being clingy.

    She repeatedly says "no" to you because you offer everything to her, instead of being in CONTROL of the relationship and MANNING UP a little. Girls like to work for what they get, regardless to what you hear from women; everything has a double meaning with them. When they say they want a "clingy and romantic guy," she means she wants a guy who can do everything, INCLUDING being clingy and romantic, not specifically ONLY clingy and romantic.

    What you can try to do to regain control here is to seperate yourself, get your life on track, and let HER start the conversations form now on. Then you'll know she's interested and that you are the one calling the shots. Most guys hate it went girls play hard to get, and it always makes them want the girl more. This sword has two edges; the same thing applies to women. If you play hard to get by staying busy improving your life and staying INDEPENDENT, girls will see this as a positive thing and will follow you. Personally, I'd rather be chansed than looking like a fool chasing a girl around. :bigok:

    PS: As chica said, get your GED; either that, or find something you're really really interested in and try and start a business focused arouns this interest. This will get your mind off of drugs and the girl, and give you a serious chance at having a better life than most people WITH a college education. Just do your research and pput lots of effort, blood, sweat, and tears into it. I own a business and I love every momment of it, good, bad, and mediocre. :wiggle:

    Also, get your ass off of OT after this, unless it's for advice or to give it, assuming you better your life and have a rapport to share.
     
  4. Pheanyx

    Pheanyx Guest

    LIE, at least for most women. :hsugh:
     
  5. symptic

    symptic I run companies

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2003
    Messages:
    13,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    Believe it if you want. :hs:

    Girls may say or even ACT like they like this, but in almost EVERY SINGLE case, she'll look down about this. It's a lack of confidence in their eyes.
     
  6. Sexican

    Sexican New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2005
    Messages:
    213
    Likes Received:
    0
    Wow, I couldn't of asked for more on the dot advice. You guys have helped alot, and with those answers come a few more questions.

    I have exactly a month left here. I left out somethign that is really important...I know my feelings inside and out, and can put them on paper, or in text just as I did for this topic...however, I am really really terrible at putting them into words, especially saying them to this girl. For example, today when she told me she was going to a party and wasn't going to spend time with me...it really angered me, and I completely shut down. We sat there on a park bench, and didn't say a word to each other for 5 minutes...and that's because I do not know how to express my feelings verbally out loud. What can I say to her when she says that? After the 5 minutes of silence I said exactly this: "I hope you have fun at the party, and I'm not mad...maybe we can try this next weekend." Even though that wasn't even CLOSE to what I was feeling...and with that I left.

    A huge thing that is working against me is that, I decided to straighten out my life a little too late I guess...because I'm living with my mom right now, which doesn't give me any private place I can bring her...and I've been jobless for about a month now, meaning I don't have any money at the moment to bring her to dinner, or a movie, or anything else that could give me some alone time with her...which makes me want to just give up on it, because I feel like it's just going to be repetetive until I leave. Even though I finally did get a job (today! :)) it just seems like I do not have anything to offer her. I'm lucky that I have all these inner qualaties such as being really sensitive and funny, and I know I'm really fun to be around, because if I didn't have these, she would be long gone. Are these enough qualaties to make her want to stay with me for the next month, or is it just going to be repetetive and me getting angry every time she doesn't want to hang out?

    If anyone sees where I'm going with this, responses would be appreciated, and thank you so far for the comments, they have helped tremendously already.
     
  7. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2001
    Messages:
    13,610
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    lovely orlando
    :uh: i give up... really i do.

    don't worry about the girl! get a start on YOUR life and YOUR future. why waste a month?

    imo, she's easing you into the idea of not hanging around her all the time in order to prepare you for the inevitable. it seems to me that you're completely devoted to this woman, and she has plans of her own. sadly enough, you are not a part of those plans. take this as a chance to concentrate on yourself! :) don't devote all your time to what she thinks about your or how to keep her around.

    when are you going to focus on yourself and get YOUR life in order. :nono: no more excuses!
     
  8. Sexican

    Sexican New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2005
    Messages:
    213
    Likes Received:
    0
    Another thing, most importantly is obviously what happens between us for the next month. Half of me wants to end it because it seems like it just ends up more negative than positive...would that be selfish of me? I mean I'm going to have to face not being with her in a month anyway, would it be smart to just say "Look, things aren't even working now, let's just call it off." But then I think of how happy I am and how happy I make her when we're doing okay together, and that makes me want to stay with her even more.

    Do I have a right to be mad when she goes to these parties, when she could easily just stay with me tonight? I mean, is it realistic that I being totally fine with her going off to these parties, getting drunk with all these guys around and think that she won't do anything stupid? I know when I used to party hard, I used to get drunk SOLEY for the intention of getting drunk and finding a girl to mess around with...I guess that might be the main part is that I fear she doesn't want me to go to these parties because she wants to get drunk and mess around with some guy, and I will never find out. These are just worries that I have, and it feels good already just putting them on paper where someone will read them.
     
  9. Sexican

    Sexican New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2005
    Messages:
    213
    Likes Received:
    0
    I see exactly what you're saying now...I'm focusing too much on the little things and the very near future rather than the ultimate picture, where as in a month, I'll need to be worrying about other things than her. I see now.
     
  10. symptic

    symptic I run companies

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2003
    Messages:
    13,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    When she says she's going to spend that time away form her, say something like, "Fine. I have stuff I need to do anyways" then go find something productive to do, be it helping people, researching for self-improvement, or actual work. Remember, your life is what you need to focus on. If getting this girl is motivation to become a better person, then by all means, use that to your advantage, and get out there and better yourself!

    You don't NEED money to create a good date. Use your imagination. Maybe say you'll cook a nice dinner if she buys the food, then after you eat, you can go out for a walk in the park (or somewhere quaint nearby). Often times, the cheapest dates are the most memorable, because she won't remember it as "that one time when he tried t flatter me with a $40 steak and $15 dollar dessert, followed by a box of $20 chocolates," but instead of "that one time when he took nothing and made a magical moment out of it, for me." WHENEVER you come up with an idea for a unqieu date, write it down in a journal or something, so you can refer back when you're running low on ideas or inspiration. Remember, the BEST dates are the ones where what you DO is great, not what you BUY. If you just buy her cool stuff, it looks like you're trying to buy your way to her heart, even though you're not. Girls get flattered all the time like this, so find your own way to impress her without being clingy or desperate.
     
  11. symptic

    symptic I run companies

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2003
    Messages:
    13,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    Oh, and don't just leave her hanging in the middle of nowhere! Even though you're moving, still talk to her. You never know where your future will be, so what if she ends up moving to your area? INstead of being that asshole who just up and left, you'll be one of the people she'll go to for comfort, and you can try again. :bigok:
     
  12. Sexican

    Sexican New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2005
    Messages:
    213
    Likes Received:
    0
    That is basically what I'm left with now...I was hanging out with my friend, talking abut her...and even though he was drunk as all hell, he said something that stuck with me...he said "Dude, I'm going to let you know, you will have your time with Allison, whether it's near or far from now, you'll have your time with her." and with that I got new hopes.
     
  13. Coco Monkey

    Coco Monkey OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2002
    Messages:
    29,455
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Chicagoland
    i agree with Chica's first post 1000%.


    Listen to her, for she is wise.
     

Share This Page