SRS Need help with women- I lost a ton of weight but still have my old "fatass" mentality

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Accord, Sep 29, 2006.

  1. Accord

    Accord New Member

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    I swim 1,000 meters 5 nights per week at the pool at my gym at around 10pm or so, normally I have the entire pool to myself at that hour however last night was different. I was in the pool doing my laps and after a few minutes I notice these two smoking hot girls in bikini's walked out of the women's locker room to the pool area and got in,they were about my age (21 or 22) and they were on the opposite side of the pool as me just relaxing against the wall not doing much of anything, I continued swimming my laps. I mean they were gorgeous. I'm not sure if they were watching me swimming or not, but I set a new personal record in the 1,000m because I didn't want to slow down in front of them like I normally do towards the end, lol.

    I really wanted to go over to them or something, but I had no idea how to approach them and if I did approach them, what would I say? What would I do? I don't have the slightest clue as to what to do because to make a long story short, I have been a total fat ass all my life up until about 6 months ago when I lost more than 80 pounds, now i'm lean and mean and I personally think my body looks pretty good now however I still have the "mentality" of when I was fat and just do not know what to do when approaching a beautiful girl.

    There are showers right next to the pool to just wash off the chlorine, so one of the girls got out and started taking a hot steamy shower right there next to the pool, i'm not going to lie it was so fucking hot, oh my god. She was was making soft moaning noises and in this incredibly sexy voice says to her friend "this feels soooooooo goooood" and I had the biggest throbbing hardon i've ever had in my life.

    After she took the shower they both went back into the womens lockerroom and that was it, and I felt like a total wimp not going over there and doing whatever it is men are supposed to do in situations like this and I was so afraid of embarassing myself or saying the wrong thing in front of them. There are guys who just walk up to random girls and hit it off with them and are so smooth and the girls go home with them, how the hell do I do that?

    Now I KNOW this is a common problem for guys like me, they were fat all their lives and they all of a sudden lose a ton of weight (80 pounds in 5 months) and now they've got good bodies and look good, but they still have the "fat" mentality where they're apprehensive around the opposite sex, afraid to approach them, have NO CLUE what to say or do, etc.

    Not to turn this into some sob story or anything, but I feel it's relative to the topic and what I need some help in. My dad was an abusive asshole to my mom and I my entire life so I have no idea what a "loving relationship" actually looks like and I feel this has contributed to my women troubles... most kids growing up have parents who had a good loving relationship that they saw everyday on a regular basis so when they started relationships of their own they had no problem doing so, but not me, I don't know what a good relationship looks like, aside from just some general obvious stuff?

    Help me OT, what should I do in a situation like the pool experience tonight and also just in general as well around women?

    Thank you in advance and thank god for the internet where I can ask questions like this :bigthumb:.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2006
  2. mrchina

    mrchina Guest

    How are you feeling right now thinking about this?

    Pretty shitty right?

    Remember this feeling the next time you don't act on a golden opportunity.
     
  3. Accord

    Accord New Member

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    Yeah, but that's the thing... how do I actually act on that golden opportunity?
     
  4. Crush

    Crush Epidural hematoma up in this bitch

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    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 30, 2006
  5. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    You stand alone, little puritan.

    Ha ha ha u have never met a male

    (God, I hope ur not a male :ugh:)

    OP, the answer is twofold. First of all, there do exist strategies and guidelines for interacting with women you're attracted to. Second of all, the only thing that matters when you have no experience is getting a LOT of approaches under your belt.

    As with anything you wish to learn or achieve, it is much more important that you make the learning process/practice a part of your life. Don't think about the end results all the time (fucking one of those hot girls, being really in shape), because towards the beginning of the learning process, you will find this depressing. I bet when you finally got up and managed to get in shape, you had already made some meek attempts before, all of which failed because you got frustrated and lost motivation. The point is to be doing the right thing - working out, or making approaches - because you literally CANNOT do anything more than that. In other words, as long as you are doing the right thing, you are free to stop thinking about the goal, because it will depress you initially and because you WILL get there if you are doing the right thing, by definition.

    There's a slight mentality shift you need to absorb. Right now, it's a lot easier for you to disregard the outcome of a particular exercise you do when you work out than it is to disregard the ouctome of an interaction with an attractive woman. That is, you do not go home and cry if you are 5 pounds below strength on Thursday, but when Hot Babe 10 gives you a nasty look on Friday, you are frozen for the weekend. You can change this.

    What you need to absorb is this mentality of learning. Everything is practice. The outcome of any interaction should be KNOWLEDGE, not immediate improvement. When you get rejected (which will happen when you are really taking risks and experimenting creatively), you must simply jot the rejection down in your memory and move on. You won't forget it. When the day is done, THEN you analyze things, then you reflect on what you tried and on the results you got.

    Instructions: You see a girl. You make your legs move in the first 3 seconds before your brain gets a chance to sabotage itself. You keep them moving. You arrive. You say the first thing that comes into your head. Usually, this turns out to be, "Hi."

    If you find the instructions impossible then you need to go back and absorb the learning mentality. Do they smile? Do they sneer? Do they look blankly at you? Is there OH NO an awkward silence? It's all good - you will learn something from those responses. The only response that you don't want is no response. Because the goal is learning. Not winning the interaction. Get that into ur head and go do a million approaches.

    A little more insight into the future: once you have become comfortable following the instructions above, you can begin working on techniques if you like. Personally I think that approach anxiety is 90% of the problem. The problem, btw, is NOT "failing to seduce women," it is failing to learn. Knowing the rest of the seduction material is like 10%? To begin with. Later on it becomes more important. Right now, approach.
     
  6. Accord

    Accord New Member

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    Great advice, thanks a lot :bowdown:.

    One thing you said in your post really hit me though, you talked about the "oh no awkward silence." I get that a LOT. Not just with girls but with everyone in general, even my Marine Corps recruiter! I have in my head what I want to say, then I say it, and then i've got nothing else and there's just an awkward silence, this happens all the time with me when i'm having a conversation with anyone. I wish I could just "flow smoothly" if that makes any sense. It's like, I only have so much to say, and once I say it that's it, and then there's awkward silence. I guess this is my fear with women too, if I DO go up to them and they seem interested, then what? After the initial "pickup" so to speak, what else do I talk about, I mean just ANYTHING to avoid awkward silence which would be my worst nightmare.
     
  7. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    You have social anxiety, and you didn't develop certain social skills because you were fat and inconfident. What can really help, what helped me to get out there and date when I lost a bunch of weight and was in your situation, was to have a therapist I could talk to about it. I was actually depressed, and so I was on an SSRI which addressed the social anxiety directly, but just having the pshrink to coach me was very helpful. You could see an MS therapist for not much money every couple weeks and they could help you out in this department.

    The other thing to do is to make friends with girls. If you cut out the sexual motivation, you might find it easier to approach girls for the purposes of friendship only. They don't have to be attractive. You're not talking to them for that purpose. You're talking to them as a human being. This makes them easier to approach, and you get practice. Lets be clear: practice is what you need. Get it, one way or another. The more you talk to those around you, male and female, the easier it gets. If you speak to people in your daily routine, be they girls or not, you'll end up having conversations with girls. The ones you spark with, you talk to longer and can get the digits and go out. But its not about that. Its about being generally socially engaging. Thats what you need help with. So put yourself in whatever situation you are most comfortable with where you can meet people of common interests, and build from there.
     
  8. Accord

    Accord New Member

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    Holy shit, those quotes and suggestions you had of things to say are absolutely brilliant. You even have something witty to say after you get rejected, just totally brilliant, I wish I could think of witty things like that to say on the spur of the moment no matter what happens. The only thing I could think of at the time was going over there saying "Hey" and hoping something stemmed from that, and if I did get rejected I probably would have said something like "Oh, okay... see ya" or something incredible lame like that, not witty and clever like your suggestions.

    Thanks a ton for the suggestions, i'm writing them down as i'm typing this. :bowdown:
     
  9. Accord

    Accord New Member

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    You're spot on, I do have "social anxiety" from being fat for literally my entire life up until just a mere 6 or so months ago. Just interacting in public settings with other people, casually carrying on conversations, etc. I never developed these traits at a young age which most people assume come naturally, but to me it's more or less a skill that I need to develop.

    There is this one trainer at my gym, she's pretty good looking and mabye a few years older than me, well a few weeks ago I was just standing at the front desk waiting for someone and she comes up and just started talking to me, I can't remember what it was about but just general irrelevant stuff like the weather outside... I was just so intimidated by being in the presence of this gorgeous woman who came out of no where who obviously had interest in me and was talking to me that I had no idea what to say, all of my responses were just one word "yeah" or "yep" replies to things she was saying as if to just acknowledge that I was listening, I had nothing to say in response once she stopped talking and then it was just awkward silence for about a minute until she walked away, at first I was actually relieved until I realize how much of an ass I made out of myself. The biggest problem I see is that I DIDN'T learn anything from this experience and if it happens again, i'm afraid i'll do the exact same thing. If I could have been witty and shit like the type of attitude conveyed in Viper's post above I think I really could have hit it off with her, but I don't know how to do that.
     
  10. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Asking a girl you've never spoken to before to go to dinner is... poor game. Terrible game. Why should she go to dinner with you? Have a conversation first. Have several. You'll get signals she's interested, if she is. Much better than straight to dinner. And if you do ask her out, its coffee, not dinner. Dinner is too much pressure.
     
  11. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Then start talking to ladies you aren't attracted to. Engage them as people. Women eat that shit up. Make some friends. Its good practice.
     
  12. 2500

    2500 Guest

    whenever i had to do something like this, i always thought to myself, well, not in a, like, "men rule" kinda way, but, that i was better than them. now i know that sounds bad, but its not like that. its more of a carefree feeling. if you approach them thinking "i am an awesome guy, with alot to offer a nice girl, and if they talk to me and want to hang out with me, great, but if not, well, their loss and i will find a different girl who will appreciate me." so, its not like, "men are better, i'm the shit" type thinking, but, you can't go over there thinking "well, i'm nervous, cuz they are so hot, and, what if she doesn't like me" cuz it will show, and you will come across not confident, and i know confidence is something women really pick up on.
     
  13. SovietRussia

    SovietRussia What? You pooped in the refrigerator? OT Supporter

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    good advice in here all of you.

    peyomp. i am especially proud of you, because it seems like ususally you are pretty hard on people. especially me. :o
     
  14. infinite loop

    infinite loop Statistically speaking, the Yankees do indeed suck

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    you did the right thing by not approaching them. i doubt you would have done anything worthwhile considering there were two of them there.

    you shoudl concentrate more on making friends with girls to get more comfortable with them.
     
  15. Pringles

    Pringles New Member

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    I wont say I'm fat im just insecure of my build. 6'4" @ 170lbs. I will also saying that being in college makes this really easy. Just talk to anyone. Who gives a fuck if there fat or "ugly" in your head. Just get your game up enough. By talking to anyone you learn how to talk to people that your mind right now considers untalkable to. Over time you will realize it isnt really that hard if you just relax and dont act like they are something special. You also need to get in your head that people are people. They aren't hot or any better than anyone else. True the hotter ones tend to be more flity and you need to change your game a bit, but either way there just a person and you dont need to give them more power than they already have. Basically you need to go out and FAIL. After you have failed with saying shit wrong learn what doesnt work and try different shit. I'm still on my way up the ladder, but so far I'm happy with what I have been accomplishing even though in college it's so easy b/c rejection means nothing to me as about 10 more steps down the road I can ask someone else.

    godspeed
     
  16. shiba

    shiba Active Member

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    How about you start by saying hi one day and thats it. slow but steady is good especially for people with self esteem issues.
     
  17. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    Okay 6'4 and 170 is not fat. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

    The only thing I have to add is that many, many of us feel like you do around women. That guy who was like, 'Remember how you felt and act like a man next time...' has absolutely no concept that not everyone around him is not like him.

    I wouldn't have approached those girls either.
    Hell no.
    Even to this day I go to a bar with my friend and he is like 'Hey go talk to those women over there...' and I am like, 'Don't I have a root canal scheduled for RIGHT NOW? I would rather be doing that...'.
    If I do approach women like that I come across as a total ass. It just doesn't work for me.

    I am just saying not to pass judgement on yourself. If you are like me you need to worry about women that you are around for longer periods then people you see at a swimming pool.

    Best of luck.
     
  18. SovietRussia

    SovietRussia What? You pooped in the refrigerator? OT Supporter

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    but he might as well approach them, because then he will be around them more often, otherwise if they reject him, more than likely, he wont see them again...ever.
     
  19. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    just remember that if you are about to say something, but end up thinking it is stupid so then you decide not to say it, just say it anyways, because most of the time you are just intimidated and think anything you say will be stupid when it really isn't.
     
  20. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    I still don't know what to say to women under these circumstances. When I do say something I come across like a clod and I feel worse for the wear.
    Yet I do enjoy relationships with the opposite sex. I am in the midst of a relationship that might lead to marriage (it also might not, but that is for another thread).

    There are different ways of approaching the problem that is women. For some people doing it your way (approaching strangers and getting numbers) works great. For others it doesn't.
     
  21. whelen1

    whelen1 New Member

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    To the OP I was in the same boat as you. Was about 325lbs (6'0-6-4") for most of my jr high/high school/college career up until my senior year when I dropped 30-40lbs in a 2 week time (nerves/bad breakup).

    Went through most of my life single due to my own weight issues and my insecurities. Got down to ~285 and soon started a new job and got back into the gym and dropped down to ~245 to where I am today. I still feel awkward sometimes, but I got myself a great girl because of the confidence that I gained from loosing the weight.

    Though I also work for a university and the attention from the students and staff are one hell of a motivater when it comes to confidence. Confidence is the #1 thing that sets you apart from the rest of the crowd. If you show that, then it won't matter what you say. Hold your head up high and walk tall - I guarentee you they will notice.

    Stay with it, it will get better. You just need one thing to go right and everything will turn around.:wiggle:


    And congrats on the weight loss:hug: :h5:
     
  22. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    bingo
     
  23. Accord

    Accord New Member

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    Thanks
     
  24. Lain|v2

    Lain|v2 New Member

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    Cant really help you with girl advice, but it was probably best that you kept that "biggest throbbing hardon" out of their site and under water... not untill second date or something :big grin:
     
  25. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    Just talk to us...we'll listen. :hs: Or at least I do :o

    I find confidence sexy...no matter how you look I will listen to what you have to say...I am the opposite...a shy girl :o I am finally breaking out of that and going up to guys I find interesting and starting conversation with them...it works! :hsd:
     

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