SRS Need help with recovering parent...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by whelen1, Nov 8, 2005.

  1. whelen1

    whelen1 New Member

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    Hey guys, I need some advice/vent time cause I really don't know where else to turn...

    The story is a little dated, but the effects are still there.

    The story:

    About 2.5 years ago or so my father was nabbed for DWI, he couldn't walk straight type DWI, while in my driveway. Went out to get dinner and someone called the cops on him for being intoxicated but they couldn't get there before he left. Well someone got his license plate and they tracked him down at my house. 3 cruisers and 4 cops showed up on my doorstep and gave him the sobriety test and the whole 9 in my driveway.

    My mother and I have been trying to break him of the habit before it got this far and he didn't listen. He had a temper and the alcohol didn't make it any better, and he was slightly abusive to my mother and I until I was bigger than he was and stood up to him. It got so bad that I was searching the house, garage and his truck to find bottles, both full and empty. I'd empty them out and leave them on his side of the table so he could see them when he woke up in the morning. This went on for at LEAST 8 years. He was in and out of AA, but was doing good up until he lost his job of 18 years. He eventually relapsed 10x as bad as he was before. It got to the point that my mother actually kicked him out of the house until he could sober up and show that he can remain clean.

    Results:

    Even though its been 2.5 years since this happened I havn't truly forgiven him for what happened. Our families name was in the police blotter and the entire town, even our neighbors knew about it. I felt ashamed of him and I let him know it the night he came back from jail. My mother and I both laid into him for a good 3 hours in hopes to to turn him around. He was ordered by the court to go to alcohol classes and enroll in an AA program immediatly after the completion of the classes. He WAS going religously for 1.5-2 years but had slowly stopped going. Im not sure he does go anymore. He does have friends from the AA classes that he talks to on occasion when things are bad but again, not sure if that still happens.

    On multiple occasions he asked me to go with him to the AA meetings. But I kept coming up with excuses as to why I can't go. I know it hurt him but I think I was still spitefull. As days went on he stopped asking me to go with him but I could still see that he was hoping i'd go. He has tried to make things right with me and my mother by trying to get involved with my hobbies (cars) and trying to show interest in some of the other things I do. But I can see its a half assed attempt.

    Fast foreward to today..

    I've since moved out of the rents house and have a place of my own ~100 miles away and have a decent job that pays for everything. I don't talk to my parents much and I usually go home once a month but I really only talk to my mother. My father is getting complacent again and im afraid he will replapse. He has a gold coin that he keeps on his keys as a reminder but after what happened im not sure I can trust him. I have never hit my parents, and god ... I hope I never have to. But after all this happened, I told my father that if he ever relapsed into what he was, even remotely, I would be the person he would have to deal with, not my mother.


    Most people grow up wanting to be like their parents (at least somewhat). I've taken the stand since I was 16 that I would grow up to be nothing like my father, and he knows it. Alcohol has already driven my family apart, I really don't want it to be the end of it too:sadwavey:
     
  2. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    Well, that really sucks. Alcoholism can definitely tear a family apart. It seems like you are doing the right thing. The only thing I would suggest is that if you really care about your dad and don't want him to relapse, maybe you should try going to a few meetings with him. It would probably recharge his recovery, and decrease the chance of a relapse.

    Although his recovery is his responsibility, and not yours, you can certainly help him. I can easily understand that you would still hold a resentment against him. However, I've once been told that harboring a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Oftentimes it only hurts you to be angry. Attempting to rebuild a relationship and attending a few meetings with your dad may help you both, think it over.
     
  3. whelen1

    whelen1 New Member

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    Thanks for the response eligh.

    I've been to meetings before when I was younger, I don't remember how old. It was family AA with his AA meeting held afterwards. I know things have changed over 18 or so years, but I didn't enjoy them. Though it is HIS meeting....

    I'll have to think it over long and hard. When we don't see each other the relationship is fine... we get talking ... someone will get mad :(
     
  4. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    Understood, maybe you should just try and limit the talking and just tell him you want to support him in his recovery. Attend some meetings with him and take off afterwards and do something else.
     
  5. whelen1

    whelen1 New Member

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    point taken:hs:
     
  6. CPTLA999

    CPTLA999 Guest

    Grew up in a situation nearly identical to yours.

    Mom has/had a problem with both prescription drugs and alcohol for the past fifteen years. Dad is a really good guy, great husband, but doesn't seem to be capable of dealing with the situation. He tries to ignore it and while I was living at home I was constantly pushing him to make decisions.

    My Mom has been in and out of residential rehabilitation programs for the last five years, she has been to four programs. She always seems to relapse, every time it is worse. The hard part is knowing that my Mom is a great person, really smart, and a great mother, but there is something she can't seem to get over/deal with in her life.

    She also attempted suicide about two years back, while I was in the house.
    I ended up getting sent to a rehab/military school program out of state when I was a minor, it really turned me around, my attitude and drug problems.

    I now live 400 miles away from home.

    Drop me a PM if you want to talk.
     
  7. whelen1

    whelen1 New Member

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    CPTLA - thanks man, I'll probably take you up on that in a few days once other stuff in my life settles...

    :wavey2:
     

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