SRS Need help v.relationship

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Senor Spielbergo, Oct 20, 2006.

  1. Senor Spielbergo

    Senor Spielbergo New Member

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    My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year or so and things were going very well between us. However, about a month ago, she started acting really odd. She stopped calling me frequently and rarely returned my calls. She also just kinda gave up with try to go out (We dont live together -- both 20 in different universities). Any time plans were made, she blew them off and she stopped making them entirely. I thought it may have been that she was just really stressed from school (She's an honest person, so I had no reason to suspect anything) and some family problems she was having at the time.

    Well, last night she told me over msn what was actually going on. Apparently some guy at her school had been constantly hitting on her starting about a month ago. Even after she told him about me, he persisted. She told me she had been 'running' and trying to avoid him. However, she told me that by running she actually gave importance to the situation and let the guy get to her. She told me, during the last month she felt lost and only recently felt found. Apprently the guy is becoming an important person in her life. She had been really confused and that was she stopped talking to me actively and avoiding me.

    Nothing has happened between them, but I'm really concerned this might be fatal for our relationship. She has been avoiding me because of him, so I take it she is developing feelings for him. I've got no idea about what to do now. I love her, so I want to try and work thru this with her but at the same time, I've been very angry and very hurt by this. So now im sitting here with a frown on my face and not even the slightest clue about what to do. Any advice would be really appriciated.
     
  2. dazed

    dazed New Member

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    You need to talk to her face to face. You've been together a year so just lay everything out on the table. Tell her exactly what you said in the last paragraph on this post. Everything. Let her explain.

    When you go into the conversation, don't go in with any assumptions, you're assuming she has feelings for him, just to withold judgment on that until you actually hear it from her.

    In short, talk to her and then decide.
     
  3. octave5

    octave5 OT Supporter

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    i agree with dazed
     
  4. johan

    johan Active Member

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    In every case I have seen, the more "honest" and "truthful" the girl, the later the guy found out.
    It's highly likely that the events as they were related to you, was a whitewashed version.

    This is not meant to deceive (although it does), the primary motivation is to not hurt your feelings.

    And I have rarely seen any girls be able to turn away from a powerful and intriguing attraction SOLELY to not hurt the feelings of a soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. It's not impossible, but it's damn rare.


    So with all that said, why don't you just call up your girl and talk it over, just as you've done here? There's really no specific game plan to winning your girl back. Other than to be present (meaning emotionally present, not just physically) and real.

    If she wants you...it will be. If not, there's not much to be done. Everyone must be free to make their choices in life, just as you have the right to be free if the situation were reversed.



    Now, If you really love her, and I mean REALLY...then try to be happy for her as she moves towards her heart's desire. Who knows. It may turn out that her heart is ultimately wanting...YOU.

    Be there, be present, be real. If she wants you...she wants you.



    Chapter 2 of your life involves you deciding whether or not you really want her.

    And try and look past the intense feeling of hurt and loss. You may discover that something else is better for you...something just around the next corner.

    good luck
     
  5. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    She's full of it. She painted the entire situation as if it was all a series of her making the right choices yet somehow still becoming a victim of getitng involved with this guy. She's a liar. And I would bet my house she's at least hit second base. Ditch the lying cheater and move on.
     
  6. cvgwpg

    cvgwpg Guest

    Senor Spielbergo, I agree with Johan.

    Communication is always key. Sometimes we run senarios thru our mind wondering about her and what the real story and we end up with a lot of crazy stuff in our head.

    So call her, talk to her and get the low-down. 'Keep it real' as what most would say. vbmenu_register("postmenu_65406287", true);
     
  7. Senor Spielbergo

    Senor Spielbergo New Member

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    Thanks for the advice guys. I am going to give her a call tonight and try and see what can be done and try and find out just what is going on.

    I've known her very well for years prior to us getting together. I very sure this isnt the case.

    ...Though maybe it might be clouded judgement i'm basing this off of :hsd:
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2006
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

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    This is quite likely. In fact, almost for certain.

    Hence the whitewashed version you were fed, meant to absolve her of guilt, spare your feelings and not crush the illusory role ("the good girl") that she plays in your mutual theatre of the mind.

    But still, regardless of what went on, what happened, etc etc...just talk to her.

    Whatever went on...went on.

    In a way, it's almost irrelevant because you need to start talking, both to try and resolve this thing (possibly not in your favour) but also to start making sense of this in your own mind.

    It's called developing a coherent narrative of your situation. This is how you learn about relationships and other people.

    Start talking.

    Whatever happens, whether you get back together or not...is ultimately for the best. BELIEVE IT.
     
  9. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    You are only 20, go out and have fun with other girls, you are too young to be worrying about this stuff. This girl isn't worth wasting your time on. If she didn't want him hitting on her then she would have stopped it immediately. The fact that she avoided you all this time makes it even more obvious that she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.
     
  10. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I would also bet on that, using 2:1 margin.
     
  11. xeocube

    xeocube New Member

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    Like everyone has said so far, talk to her. If things don't change after that, then you should start to phase her out like she is doing to you. No girl likes a clinger because it makes you seem weak. If your girl thinks you NEED her then you are weak and will loose interest, if she thinks you are with her because its good but not because you couldn't live without her, then you win.

    If you start to phase her out, and she comes back, then you are in control. Don't let her be the man in the relationship where she has control over your feelings, and can push you around like a little ball of puddy, because this is probably the most unattractive feature in a man to a woman.
     
  12. harleysilo

    harleysilo New Member

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    update? It's been forever......
     
  13. J52k2

    J52k2 New Member

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    Man, If that was me im sorry. I had been "that guy" in a recent relationship with a girl that was already in a relationship and she started to form feelings for me. It sucks for both of us, because in the end she picked a whole other guy.
     

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