need help overcoming my own shyness and insecurities v. NY resolution

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Dsking85, Dec 28, 2006.

  1. Dsking85

    Dsking85 New Member

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    well i got out of a long-term relationship in may that lasted 4 1/2 years. we started dating sophomore year of HS and she was pretty much my only serious GF. When we broke up, i had a chance to date a really awesome and beautiful girl but i fucked it up b/c letting go of my 4 year relationship was so hard. i'm 20 years old, good looking, in shape, intelligent and drive an M3 (i know that doesn't matter but is just another reason why i shouldn't have a problem)

    so anyway, i feel like my long ass relationship has left me badly handicapped when it comes to dating. it's hard for me to initiate conversations with women and even harder for me to find topics to keep them going. i let my lack of self-confidence take over and i start to worry too much about what the girl thinks about me. i get pale in the winter and i think about that wayyyy too much. i know that she prob doesn't care about it that much but i end up turning it over and over in my head and i blow it up into this huge issue.

    i've got this girl that i really like. she's gone with me as my date to my fraternity's Xmas party and to the movies. i figure that she wouldn't have done either of these if i wasn't at least somewhat attractive to her. I have a hard time being "smooth" around her and i can tell that she notices and it pushes her away. anyway, i dunno where i'm going with this. just giving some background i guess. i'm really just looking for some advice about this, maybe even someone that sympathizes with me. I'm just trying to come out of my shell really. what does everyone recommend?

    oh yea, sorry for the long ass post.
     
  2. buddha724

    buddha724 New Member

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    east carolina university?

    anyway... i used to be the same... i still am a little, but i've been working on it. i dunno... i didn't really "do" anything, i just realized i'm tired of being shy around the ladies and want to be more outgoing. it's working out ok... i'm on winter break so there isn't as much oppurtunity to try out my new found outgoingness but i'm looking forward to it.

    i don't know what to tell you man. eventually you'll just get tired of not being able to pull the trigger and make whatever changes you think you need to...
     
  3. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    First of all, there is nothing wrong with being "pale." That's how god made you and you should be proud of it. I never tan intentionally because I think its bad for your skin. Why should I damage my health to make myself more physically attractive to the opposite sex?

    You seem to be blaming your situation on your failed relationship. One major thing I have learned is that we are all responsible for wherever we are in life. Whatever your current situation, it is your choices than have put you there.

    I have been in your situation. What I recommend is learning about relationships, and learning as much as you can about women and how they work.

    David DeAngelo's eBook Double Your Dating is excellent, and I highly recommend it. Another resource is Without Embarrassment: The Social Coward's Fearless Seduction System.

    Also, check out the Player 101 guide here: http://www.fastseduction.com/guide/

    PocoDiablo, a regular poster here has a site:
    http://www.friendzoned.com/

    Lastly, there are a lot of good articles at:
    http://www.sosuave.com
     
  4. Ryan Christian

    Ryan Christian Member

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    Well, I come out of my shell more when I'm drinking. Maybe that'll work for you. You're attending East Carolina University, correct? Well, I know ,even though I never did visit the Greenville area much, there's A LOT of places around the Greenville area that'll do the trick.

    I'm pretty much like you, but I have a serious relationship and I don't have a lot of experience with this going to clubs. BTW, I hate clubs. But this thing with over thinking stuff is really bad. Trust me, I do it all the time and beat myself up for doing it. Just go out and do what you do. It's okay to be "smooth" when you're not, just don't over do it and make it appear to be fake. You say this girl sees this and pushes away, well, that means: Stop that shit. I'm the type of guy that's at the table sitting with friends and not being 'loud'. So pretty much, I'm just there. I don't try to be someone I'm not, which I think is a good thing. But hey, good luck on all this.
     
  5. themadscientist

    themadscientist New Member

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    I am 31 and I am having the exact same feelings. I just left a 3.5yr marrige 1 month ago and we were together for 6. I just feel like I have zero chance at even getting a response from women.
    Yail thanks for the links. Looks like I have alot to read.
     
  6. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    :hug:

    been there man. Study hard :)
     
  7. Dsking85

    Dsking85 New Member

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    thanks for all the info guys. those links look interesting. i spent a bit of time reading that player 101 guide and it has a lot of good info.
     
  8. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    You should also consider doing something radical: Figuring out what you did WRONG in your last relationship. When I got out of my 11 year relationship I was in a lot worse shape than you. I managed to stumble across some really good resources, and the #1 that helped me look back was www.askmen.com/dating/doclove and his advice. Very *carefully* read this link first:

    http://www.alovelinksplus.com/advice/dating_self_help.htm

    That explains his philosophy. And I mean read it *carefully* like three times. Then go read his articles and they will make sense.

    Now let's go over what you posted:

    Okay, so what went wrong. As mentioned, it was likely you did something to fail there. The problem is that you were 16 when you started dating her (roughly, correct?) so you have not grown and progressed. Now you are an adult and there are adult ways to date and meet women. You really need to remember that your shyness is your body telling you "We are unprepared for this and we need to go learn!" and it's OKAY! Learning all this dating stuff shouldn't take you more than a few months if you really get started, and only a few days/weeks to get onto the right path.

    which means you can use your brain to LEARN to be social. Being with women is just like learning how to ride a bike. You will take some spills, but if you learn from your mistakes you'll be a pro in no time at all. Taking chances will result in greater rewards as well.

    You should actually HIDE that from potential dates, as you will pick up gold diggers who will hinder your progress at meeting women who are interested in YOU as a person. If a woman asks you what kind of car you drive within 5-10 minutes of meeting you, get rid of her.

    Yeah, well that's what happens! You got lazy and bored and learned to be anti-social (in a light sense of the word.) Yail pointed out the link to www.DoubleYourDating.com which has some great stuff. Sign up for his free email thing. It'll get you going on that.

    All she needs to know is that SHE has to work to be with you. YOU are the prize, and YOU need to have standards for women and you need to communicate them to her. My standards are VERY high, and I let women know it. It's a simple mind set, and it's called "confidence." It's attractive and that's simple.

    If you're not confident, FAKE IT!

    Who gives a shit? You're going to get old and fat (ask me about that!) but you still have your brain. Everyone gets ugly/old, and if you are worried about that then you have to overcome that. No matter how pretty someone is, if she/he is stupid and their looks fade what are you going to do? Right - find someone with a great personality.

    Yeah, don't talk to anyone about that, it can be your own personal thing to forget, m'kay? :big grin:

    Correct. Now, what is HER interest level in you? Did she dress up to be with you? Have you made a move on her?

    Well, you need to be YOURSELF. Don't be serious though. Joke, flirt, poke fun at her, and have a good time. If she reacts, then you have something.

    I recommend you never apologize for asking for help! :slap: Stop acting like a wounded child, but a man who is on a mission to improve himself! Take your intelligence and go read those sites, buy a book or two, and see how you can get back in league with everyone else (or better! :mamoru: )

    All it takes is time, practice, and a desire to learn from your mistakes.

    By the way, I have posted my personal collection of links over at my site, friendzoned. Go check them out.

    Good luck! :wavey:
     
  9. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    And yeah, I was 31 when I got out of my 11 year relationship. You are in good company. Ask anyone around here and you'll realize you're no worse off than me.

    I am now 37 and engaged to a 24 year old hottie. Who woulda thunk it! :naughty:
     
  10. trungtao

    trungtao New Member

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    Quit being a bitch, find some more time to learn about yourself and delve more deeply into your hobbies and you will become more comfortable with yourself.

    Whenever you feel like pussing out ask yourself this, "what's the worst that could happen?"
     
  11. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    I tend to ask myself "Is this going to affect me in a year? Am I even going to remember this in a year?" If not, go for it. :wavey:

    If it's going to put you in the hospital, then maybe not so much...
     

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