SRS Need an outside perspective....*long story*

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Toasty, Mar 10, 2005.

  1. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    I need some opinions from you folks to on yet another relationship situation of my own. I'm not sure why I'm asking this....I've taken the advice I see for other people here in Asylum to heart and I can see others who are perhaps going through situations a lot more difficult then mine. It makes me embarrassed, ashamed, and perhaps a little selfish that I feel the way I do, but I suppose I just maybe need to have some objective opinions on my situation so that I can make decisions on how to move on.

    Here's my story...

    I'm sorry that it's a bit long but I wanted to paint the picture enough so that you folks can maybe help me grasp what this girl is going through....maybe enough so that I can make decisions how to move on.

    First of all this was an online long-distance relationship for the past 6 months. I've never done the online dating thing, nor had I ever had a long distance relationship before either. She lived in Taiwan, went to college in the U.S., went back home to Taiwan to work. She's never done this before too and only tried it at the behest of her mother.

    We took it pretty casually and cautiously at first. I later learned she had one long term (5 year) relationship before with a guy she met in college and they kept up a long distance thing for a while when he returned home to Japan. He drifts away without much explanation and I understand that had left her pretty messed up about a year before. I had my own issues of course so we had some chances to talk about all of this a bit sometimes and moved on to other topics.

    I learned she was a pretty typically conservative asian girl. Not very used to being intimate with the opposite sex....she said she learned how to accept hugs and friendly affection from guys in the U.S., but it was something that she found very uncomfortable with back home. People she considered close friends were always from her girlfriends. I could see that demonstrated by her party photos as well....guys were always on one side of the table, girls on the other.

    So it progressed on this way, I pushed very lightly where I could, she cautiously accepted my advances with smiles and careful "hints" that she liked me. This "relationship" moved on to phone calls and eventually regular video conferencing till finally I offered to fly over to see her so that we could see if we got along like "normal people".

    So here we are, 6 months into this when my trip finally arrives. By this time, we were very comfortable with each other online. We spent entire weekends talking by video...I've already "met" her family online on occasion, and she shares parts of her life with me she claims she has shown none other. She accepted my gifts...I sent her cute little things I felt were cautiously romantic (hand drawn cards, teddy bear, songs to cheer her up, etc.)

    So I go to there finally. I hold back any advances so I don't put her out of her comfort zone and things progress pretty nicely. But I'm not really used to reading a relationship without signs of affection. I grew up in Hawaii where even a greeting between business associates are often done with hugs. In this situation I'm totally at a loss of how to read her feelings. So about the 2nd day in I find the opportunity to ask her "So how do you feel about this?"

    She says she's glad I'm there, amazed that I'm sitting there next to her finally. But it didn't really dawn on her about the impact of this trip until only a week before when she had to sit down and plan out our itinerary. So now she brings up questions to me about how I felt about the obstacles in our way. I tell her my opinions "love conquers" "distance can be conquered if we work together" yadda yadda. Then she says "You sound like me"....I ask her for clarifiction and then she starts crying. >__< Here we go....

    I don't push the issue but fast forward a day later I ask her what bothered her so much, so then she breaks down into tears. We hold hands and she explains to me how much I meant to her and how much she's noticed I looked out for her, even along this trip. She mentions she knows she "likes me" but can't help sorting out whether this was the kind of support she felt like it could have come from a brother. Yet she felt totally comfortable around me unlike any other guy she knows. The guilt of having me fly all the way over there to find out she was undecisive overwhelmed her and she just couldn't hold it all back.

    All the while, we're sitting in a public cafe and I'm just telling her she shouldn't feel guilty. It was my choice to make to go there and however it might suck for me to hear all of it, it was not her fault. Of course this only made her cry some more. >__<

    She says it was unfair of her to lead me on....she said she didn't deserve me and that I should move on. She said if we had a relationship the torture of not having me near her would be too hard. When I asked if the distance thing was the issue she said "if it were the right guy, of course I would leave Taiwan". So I took this as a message....she doesn't feel the way I do. She said I meant something to her but would understand if I didn't want to talk to her again.

    Later that evening, it finally hits home for me and I'm starting to feel it a bit. I ask her one last request to hold her hands just this one night and I later ask her to accept a watch I had bought her as a surprise gift. More crying...and finally a long last hug at the end of the night where she tearfully says "thank you for everything" and thus ends the night.

    We play along this way for the rest of my trip. Those were some long nights for me trying to deal with this all alone in a distant country...and I can tell she doesn't get much sleep the next couple nights either. Finally I get things sorted out enough in my mind that the last day was spent pretty happily...we talk about other things and we were pretty happy in my last day there.

    So now I'm back home, there are some hard times here and there where I naturally feel pretty much rock bottom, but I pull myself up by reading Asylum and talking to friends and family.

    She doesn't email me as regularly now but has explained it to me that she's working OT almost everynight lately. I've been trying to give her space...both because I'm still sorting myself out & I can see from her end that she probably don't want some heartsick fool constantly bugging her, but I still of course feel concerned about her welfare. I send her some cautious emails here and there.

    I make light of the situation at first, jokingly saying that she probably doesn't want to hear from me all the time now and that she might be sending my gifts back to me eventually. She later corrects me that those things meant something to her and that my comments make her feel like she's not being a good friend.

    I'm trying to move on. But I can't help but feel disappointment when I don't get the attention I felt like I had before. When I don't see emails from her like I used to...I read into it more then I think I should. It sucks...but I stay busy and I talk to my bro when I need a lift every now and again.

    WHEW! Long story huh? So what's your opinion on this guys...gals?

    Was it me? Was this just a simple case that she just didn't feel anything for me? Was she still resolving old feelings for her old boyfriend? Was it the fear of a long-distance thing? Do you think there's something there that I should not give up on and she just needs some space? Or is this a done deal?

    Be kind to this Asylum NOOB. ^___^
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2005
  2. girle

    girle Blindfolded

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    I think from what you've said, as much as you two got along online, when it came to real life, there just wasnt a spark for her. I think its a bit weak of her to make excuses about long distance as I dont believe she is being completely honest about her reasons. When the feelings right, its never too hard.

    I think its a done deal, move on - she wasn't ready to be completely open with you. You seem like you are. Plenty of fish in the sea.. :hs:
     
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Yes, that would be my read on it too. Sorry.
     
  4. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Nah, thanks for the opinions. I pretty much assumed so but needed to see of I'm thinking clearly through all this situation. Spent some time blaming myself for screwing up somewhere along the way but I guess it was just not meant to be. /sigh.

    Women sure know how to mess with a guy's mind sometimes. T__T
     
  5. Britney Spears

    Britney Spears New Member

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    See how she reacts to disinterest. Put it to the test. only then you will you know.
     

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