LGBT Need advice

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by busydoingnothing, Jan 7, 2007.

  1. busydoingnothing

    busydoingnothing A broken man too tough to cry

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    I've posted a similar message to this on many other boards many other times, but I'm extremely depressed right now and I feel the need to post it again. For starters, I am obsessive compulsive and in therapy for it. My obsession is over my sexuality. Not a minute goes by in the day where I'm not thinking about it or analyzing it or checking my reactions to men and women alike...my therapist says I am both obsessive compulsive and going through a sexual identity crisis, and they are feeding one another...moving along.

    I masturbate to gay porn and have masturbated to it since I was a teenager. It's typically been a sort of off and on thing, a few days here, and a month goes by without doing it. Lately, I've been masturbating to it more often and even thinking about being sexual with another guy.

    I've also questioned my sexuality since I've been a teen. I've also been picked on a lot and called names (I'm sure you know which). I've had problems with my masculinity; I've never really enjoyed the "typical guy stuff" of sports and cars and talking about railing women. That sort of stuff bores me.

    Lately, it seems that my feelings for women have all but disappeared. It seems that now I get a stronger reaction to thoughts of gay sex and looking at other guys, and that depresses the hell out of me. I've still been having sex with my friend (female; it's a complicated relationship) lately, but sometimes I will go limp or will be unable to get hard, which only makes me think I'm gay even more. I've had this problem in the past, too.

    I don't know what to do or what I am or what I want or if I'm just really repressing my homosexuality, or if I'm just delusional that I am gay. At most I think I'm bi, but I really don't want to go through with anything with a guy, but at the same time, like I said, it seems I have no feelings for women anymore. So to me, it seems like I can only push myself to be with a guy and convince myself it's good and OK rather than actually get my feelings back for women.

    I've gone to gay bars and talked to gay men (briefly) and such with my friend. It seems like gay guys are easier to talk to than women. And again, it seems like I get a stronger reaction to men than to women. I'm very shy and antisocial and depressive and only have a couple of friends, so I'm generally not used to talking to other people period, but I do find gay men far easier to talk to than women.

    In the perfect world, I would have my feelings and desires back for women and have the confidence to date and be with them, but that all seems like a pipedream. It seems like I've been gay all along and have deeply suppressed that and now I am miserable that it's all coming to the surface.

    Honestly, I have no clue anymore. This has been going on for far too long and I can't take it. I live with this day to day and nothing changes. It's the same thing and I don't know how much longer I can live with it. Do I sound like a closet case or what? I can say a million more things but I'll leave it at this. Thank you for your time.
     
  2. 2500

    2500 Guest

    well, for starters, what your going through is normal. it sounds alot like me actually. i dated and had sex with women from the time i was 13 till 17. however, i always got off to gay porn. i never looked at female, or even straight porn. i thought i could just, live straight, and like gay porn. but like you, gay men became easier to talk to, i got less comfortable around women, sexually or emotionally. i found my, playful, flirtations went kind of overboard and somewhat inapropriate for women, whereas men would find it fun and ok. all along, i didn't know if i was gay, bi, confused, lost, in denial. i didn't know what to think. but my friend, here is the key that your "therapist" in my opinion is avoiding cuz of the 80 bucks an hour hes getting out of you. you are NORMAL. you are caught in a cycle. you THINK you need a label, and you THINK you need to have it all figured out right now, so, you obsess over it. now, you "have" OCD because you obsess over it. no bud, thats not how it works. first things first.... stop worrying about a label. stop worrying about who you should love. you will love the PERSON that loves you. you will be out, or online, and you will meet someone, or someone will introduce you to someone. you will become friends, and, feelings will grow. they will love you, and you will love them, and it will be real. but it will be a "person." don't worry about if its going to be a man or a woman. thinking you require a label is making you stuck in this cycle. just say to yourself "i am a good person, i am likeable, and one day, i will be with who i am meant to be with." the second you stop thinking you need to be labeled, is the second your problems vanish.

    for me, i beat myself up over it. i always said "i will never date a guy." "i will watch gay porn, hook up with guys, but i will for sure marry a woman and have kids and live the american dream." i preached that to myself, i said it to friends in hopes i looked "less gay." guess where i am now? i moved 600 miles away from home to live with my boyfriend and i am madly in love with him and want to spend forever with him. go figure right? but it was at the same point i said "fuck labels, i will love the person who loves me and who i want to spend the rest of my life with" that i met my bf, and, i honestly have never been more happy than i am right now.

    sorry for the long reply, but, its 8 am, i haven't slept yet, and i ramble when i'm tired. i just hate to see you beating yourself up over "thinking" you need to label yourself. there are SOOOO many inbetweens also, that its almost impossible to label yourself. some can, most can't. i dated 6 women, slept with 2. i "one night standed" around 50 guys, dated 1. i like gay porn, straight porn, lesbian porn. i always wanted to marry a women, now i live with my boyfriend, and i still like lesbian porn. what am i? correct answer: who cares? haha. i'm happy, i'm in love, and thats ALLLL that matters. best of luck. PM me if ya ever need someone to talk to.
     
  3. XPX

    XPX New Member

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    I'm right there with you both, the only bit of heterosexuality left in me is that I still think I could marry a girl, have kids and live a perfectly straight life but I also know that I wouldn't be completely satisfied in bed, I'd love to have my own kids and have a wife and a white picket fence like 2500 said but I'd also love to live with a guy that wants the same I do and someone I can sex all night long :buttsex: :mamoru:

    I'm gonna be clear, short and concise: You are still denying your homosexuality, just like I did until 6 months ago. If you watch gay porn and you have a stronger reaction to men the chances are that you are "gayer" than what you initially thought. You want to be straight so you can easily "fit in", I think we all go through that :hs:

    I'm still new about me accepting myself as a gay guy but I think that the more you accept your true sexuality you'll become less depressed. Stop thinking about making others happy and start thinking about making yourself happy. That helped me to overcome the slight depression I had. Talk to us more, we are eager to help, I know they helped me :big grin: :o
     
  4. Navvik

    Navvik Active Member

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    listen to 2500, he gives AWSOME advice:)
     

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