Need advice: My GF and I broke up (part 2, long).

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Reign, Jul 19, 2009.

  1. Reign

    Reign Banned

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    So my GF of 2 1/2 years of I broke up the other day. I was actually ok with it, well; I still THINK I’m ok with it. The logic behind it is all there, we still really care about and love each other but aren’t really in love anymore, we want different things when we get to the cross roads a year and half down the road, she doesn’t like the stupid things we argue about, she doesn’t take good enough care of her body (which she and I DO both think), then there’s the a sort of big one. She’s been thinking lately and she’s unsure of her sexuality now.

    Too add to all this she still wants to be friends. I still really want to be friends. She’s my best friend, she’s been an major emotional crutch for me the past few years with this shitty as fuck job (The Navy), my mom getting cancer and other smaller things. That and I really enjoy spending time with her and talking to her. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t ask for a better break-up/separation.

    Like I said, the logic is all there. The problem is despite being a 5’5, 187lb muscled monstrosity… I very much think like a girl in many ways. The logic is there, I know that I have to keep busy and keep my mind off things; I know I need to make new friends and move on. I just don’t. I’m having trouble moving on when my best friend and one of the few people I really trust/care about they’re opinion/advice wants to split off. A lot of the time I think I’m fine. Then I start getting into my head and coming up with stupid off the wall scenarios that are borderline crazy and I just start getting angry and paranoid. When that happens I go and talk to her, we discuss things, and I’m better for awhile. I know I need to make this not happen and without another emotional crutch around; I’m not sure how to do that.

    Then the other part of my problem is despite I know how much we aren’t really right for each other, when I start getting into my head and thinking I really start to regress on that. Thinking stuff like ‘You’re 27, you need to settle down’, ‘do you really want to be 33 and starting to have kids’, ‘do you really want to play the whole dating game again’ , ‘now you have to find roommates again’, etc. etc. etc. So as much as it is a mutual thing, it’s also somewhat one side (her side). I guess a better way to put it is she did the breaking up but I agreed that it was probably for the best but am not 100% sure.

    Sooooo, I guess this would be the Cliffs part….

    How do I get past wanting to be with someone who I know isn’t really right for me even though I still rely heavily on they’re friendship for many of my emotional needs? WHILE at the same time remaining friends with them.

    Being in here so much I guess I know the answers to the question(s) I’m asking. I guess what I’m really looking for is past experiences people are willing to share on how they did this. I’ve never wanted to remain friends after a break up but this one I really really do.
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    You can't be friends yet and you know it.

    You are missing the idea of her and what the security of having her around brought, that's all.

    Cut yourself some slack, it's only been days. You know you need to move on and find new friends-so do it. You have got to stop talking to her for a while. Get rid of the crutch.
     
  3. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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  4. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Couple of things....

    First of all, look at your question. Bear in mind that your mind is going to create results based on the questions you ask yourself. So, if you ask yourself a question like: "How do I get past wanting to be with someone who I know isn’t really right for me even though I still rely heavily on they’re friendship for many of my emotional needs?" your mind is going to give you answers based on that criteria, and any other solution you come up with is going to be drowned out by that question. Basically, you are only going to see solutions to the questions you ask yourself, so make sure that those questions are ones that empower you.

    But look at that question...let's look at it piece by piece:

    "How do I get past...." I don't know about you, but when I try to "get past" things, it's usually things that I have resolved are things that I have absolutely no control over. For example, I had to "get past" my relationship with my mother and the things she has said to me in the past. After constant confrontation, all we did was argue and fight and it got me nowwhere. I know that it's very unlikely she'll ever change, so I decided that instead of taking the things she has said to heart, that I was going to let them roll right off my back.

    The thing is, you DO have power of the situation in this case. You have lots of power to change your circumstances. You can choose to put this girl out of your life (I really couldn't just put my mom out of my life because, well, she's my mom and family is important to me). You can choose to find other girls. You can choose to change your focus from her to something else.

    "I still rely heavily on their friendship for many of my emotional needs..." Do you? Here's a question for you: why are you relying on other people to fulfill your emotional needs? (whether you are in a relationship or not, this is something for you to examine and think about) You are at cause for all of your emotional needs in your life. The problem here is, that you lack the necessary processes to deal with your emotions. This is something you should be working on whether you are with someone or not anyway. Never rely on someone else to meet your emotional needs. Meet your own emotional needs and redesign your relationships to be complements to your already happy and content emotional life.

    "While at the same time remaining friends with them." I found this interesting. You're looking for a way to have your emotional needs met by someone who is now emotionally unavailable to you, but you also consider that to be something separate from the friendship (by using that word "while," you make a conscious separation of the two). Time to examine your beliefs about friendship.

    So instead of asking a question like that, let me give you an example of a question that would be loads more empowering for you.

    "What can I do to be happy again after losing someone that I loved?"

    or

    "What can I do to move past these negative emotions and become emotionally content again?"

    If you put your mind to it, you can come up with a good question to ask yourself. Just make sure that it:

    1. Suits what you want to do while stating it in positive terms.
    2. Doesn't disregard the negative emotions you have right now (you just broke up with someone, so of course you are going to be sad).

    ****

    That being said, I can give you some pointers from my own life. I'm divorced with two kids, so I wasn't able to put my ex completely out of my life and had to learn how to get over her WHILE being in constant communication with her. Here are a few things that I did to do that:

    1. Communication with her went to strictly business. What time do I get the kids? When do you want them back? What's going on in the kids lives? Those are the only things I talked about. Everything else was completely ignored by me. At first that was tough, because she didn't like the fact that I ignored the other stuff and would blow up my phone with texts and voicemails and call me names and everything else. But eventually, I got it to the point where communication was just concerning the kids.

    2. I began pursuing other goals in life. Initially my goal was how to hurt her the way she hurt me. So I pursued those goals and ended up not only hurting her, but also myself in the process. When I began pursuing my own life and my own goals again, I began to get over her. Find a new passion in life and go after it. Find ways to meet your own emotional needs. Etc.

    3. I forgave her. Not sure if this applies to you or not, but on some level it probably does. Even if she wasn't "at fault" (it takes two to tango), you can still forgive her for the emotional turmoil you are facing right now. You'll know that you have forgiven her when you can truly wish for her happiness without desiring to get back with her.

    4. I wrote through the pain. Not all of us are writers, though, but we all have things we are passionate about. Find that thing that you can be "artistic" with and use it to funnel your negative emotions out of you. I had some really great writing come from writing through my divorce.

    5. Work on the other areas of life that you might not be happy with. Find happiness in those areas and don't stop until you do. I'm going on 3 years of this, and I still have areas that I want to improve in my life, but I have come so far that I can't turn back now.

    Aside from that stuff, I feel for ya. I know how it feels. :hug:
     
  5. Reign

    Reign Banned

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    Holy crap... i'll have to read through all that later... but good lord, what are you? A journalist?
     
  6. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    :rofl:

    I'm a writer, yes. Not really into journalism, though. :mamoru:

    You should definately read that post, though, cause it's jam packed full of good info. :big grin:
     

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