SRS Need advice about a my ex… Girls please give me your opinion..

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Broken Dreams, Mar 14, 2006.

  1. Broken Dreams

    Broken Dreams New Member

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    Well you can see my story here.

    Here is a quick background if you don’t want to read the link above. My ex left me of 4 years about 3 months ago. We stayed in contact just about every day up until two weeks ago. The argument didn’t end well and we said we didn’t want to see / talk to each other every again.

    Anyways, I haven’t talked to her in two weeks and last night she finally called me. She said she missed me and was thinking a lot about me the past few days. She was crying most of the time while we were talking and seemed really sad. I said I wish things would have worked out differently. We talked for about ~15mins. She said she didn’t want me to get the wrong idea by her calling me and then said she probably shouldn’t have called at all. After this emotional mind twister I just went through with her on the phone, I cried my eyes out til I fell asleep. I seen her walking to class this morning, I beeped and waved at her. I don’t know what to do now.

    Why would she have called me telling me she misses me, but then turns around and says she shouldn’t have called at all? I’m so confused. Are there any of you girls that can decode this?
     
  2. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Maybe she was sexually frustrated? All of her friends are out making love, being adults, having adult relationships. No matter what she might tell you to your face, this could be a very big issue for her. Maybe she wants what everyone else has, and you simply aren't providing. IF this were the case, you wouldn't even be able to get her to admit it. It's just how girls work.

    There it is right there man. This is your first relationship and you made a CRITICAL mistake. Your ex isn't a princess, she's not a goddess. She is another human being just like you or I. You treated her as if she were up on this pedastle above you and THAT is a HUGE mistake. I guarantee that she lost respect for you.
    While women like to fantasize about a fairytale relationship, they don't really want one-at least not like they are in the novels. If you treat her like a princess, get her everything she wants, etc, you are becoming a total doormat. You become a pushover. You are acting like her servant. This is not a way to build chemistry between you.

    There is a reason why the Han Solo/Leia relationship "worked" on screen and the Anakin/Padme' relationship did not. Solo and Leia had chemistry. Solo was a man's man, and even though he loved Leia, he didn't treat her as if she were better than him, and he made sure he was treated as her equal. If Han thought he was being mistreated, he called Leia out on it and refused to be a doormat. THAT is attractive to women because Solo clearly respects himself too much to allow himself to be used or mistreated. Anakin however, was Padme's bitch. He did whatever she said, and if she insulted him, he backed down.

    You clearly said you worshipped the ground that you lady walked on, and that IMO is a huge sign for the reason why she is seeking attention elsewhere. Now she does CARE about you, maybe even LOVE you, but she loves you in the way a mother loves her child. Seriously. A child doesn't backtalk his mother. A child doesn't stand up to his mother, he obeys her, looks up to her, goes to her for the emotional support he needs. The mother loves the child but she is not IN LOVE with the child. When you put your ex up on this pedastle and worshipped her, YOU created a situation where she is the dominant one, she is the mother. Your ex left because she wants a father-type figure to be with. She wants a man, not a child.

    This is the biggest problem, and you hear it ALL OF THE TIME with guys who complain about their girlfriend leaving them, and they ALL say, "But I treated her like a princess! I gave her everything she could want!" No you didn't. You deprived her of a partner. A partner is someone equal to you, and she didn't have that because you worshipped her. She wants an equal partner, a man with self respect.

    Now she may miss you of course because she is used to you being there and she is used to you providing her with attention, gifts, etc. She misses her friend. BUT!... she still has that need of a real man who will not be the doormat.

    You are CLEARLY her backup plan. She is hanging on to you at this point while she continues her search for a new partner, a man. If she can't find him she can always come back to you, because like a good child, you won't... let me rephrase, you CAN'T stray too far from the mother. You are too afraid of being without her, you NEED her there. Don't tell me different, that's EXACTLY what you are doing right now. This is EXACTLY why she doesn't respect you enough to be with you and just you.

    Do you think she would be quick to leave if she believed that you were the type of guy that would kick her ass to the curb if she ever pulled this shit on you? Do you think she would even entertain the thought? No. She would respect you because she would know that you don't need her. YOU are the catch. If she wasn't being a good partner you would break things off and find someone else. She wouldn't be feeling this way about you if you respected yourself like that, and she wouldn't be looking elsewhere like she is now.

    But you did speak to her again, and she always knew you would. You are weak man. I am not saying any of this to be rude to you. I am giving you the honest truth of the situation. She sees you as weak. You let her treat you like this, and here you are crying yourself to sleep, allowing her to still speak with you and drag you along. She knows you can't stand up for yourself and move on indefinitely. Each little outburst you throw is like a child throwing a fit, but in the end you still want to be held by your mother.

    It's good that you see that you have positive aspects of your life, but you seem to be far too dependant on other people, again, like a child needing his parents around. An adult can survive on his own, doesn't NEED people around. Everything about this relationship seems to be as if you were the child and she filled the role of the mother.

    Yes they will, but you really need to take the initiative to make things better for your next relationship. Yes, you do want to treat your significant other with respect and love, but you also must respect and love yourself equally. You must not become dependant upon them, but become self sufficient.

    To have a healthy relationship one MUST be able to cancel that relationship if the situation arises. What that means is that if you are unable to call the relationship off and mean it, then you will forever be the victim of that relationship for whichever path it takes you down. If you have the ability to call that relationship deal off, then your partner will respect you more and not do things that would cause you to break the relationship. You did not do this with your current one. She did what she did because she could. Not only that, but she felt the need to. If you respected yourself enough to not become this boring predictable doormat, she wouldn't have even thought about going elsewhere for her needs because they would have been met-but even if the thought occured, she wouldn't have dared because she would have known that you would have left. Your situation is nothing like that because you created the bad situation by being a pushover doormat.
     
  3. EmiB

    EmiB New Member

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    She broke it off with you, found a new dude, he dumped her ass, now she is back
     
  4. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Like I said above, you gave in and talked to her, just like she knew you would.
    As to why she called, again, it was because she is used to having you there, she is used to you always trying to do things for her, make her happy, etc. She misses her admirer. Why not?! Does this mean she will be able to discard all of those feelings of something "missing" between the two of you? No. Does this mean that suddenly she will be happy with her doormat ex? No. She misses her admirer so she called, but she didn't want you to get the wrong impression because those feelings of something missing are still there and will always be there. She needs to find another man that will fulfill those needs. When she finally does, do you think she is going to be calling you telling you how much she misses you? It's only a matter of time.

    I said it just above. She shouldn't have called. She was lonely and she called the man who was always ready to sacrifice everything to give her the attention she wanted. She is lonely, wanted attention, and like a good little puppy dog you were there when she called.

    What you do is ignore her. Cut her off completely. If you feel you owe her a response (and you don't) you can tell her that it IS over for good and you need to move on with your life. Not only is her hanging around effecting you ability to move on but it will also cause problems when you start to date other people. Then cut off contact for good.

    It is possible she might try to come back if you do this. She will see that you are finally taking control and being the man you should have been all along, and it might draw her back seeing that she is losing you for good. Don't do it. Once she successfully pulls you back in, then you have failed the test and she will be reminded once again that she has total control over you and she will eventually do this same thing again. Stand your ground man. Don't surrender. Move on and MEAN IT!

    Don't ask women to decode this. You will find that *most* (not all) women give you the worst advice in such situations. What I told you is the best thing you can do. Trust me, I have been working with guys and relationships consistantly for several years now and I can't tell you how many times I have seen this exact same situation and it always plays out the exact same way.

    If you want more advice, go to www.friendzoned.com
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    There's no mystery here. The confusion is because you wish it meant something, when you already know it doesn't.

    She called you in a moment of weakness, just like you might've done the same, hell a step or two more and you probably might've called her.

    She still has feelings of being bonded to you, those emotional ties are difficult to break, even though you KNOW you shouldn't be together, it's still hard to make that break.

    Believe me, it's hard, but a CLEAN BREAK is better.

    Feels worse, feels like...ohhhhh why don't we keep in touch, we're adults, we can handle it.....right??

    Trust me, for someone like you, in the one-down position, it will only bring on fresh new waves of pain and confusion and longing.

    Takes longer to heal if you keep picking the scab off.
     
  6. Broken Dreams

    Broken Dreams New Member

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    DiggityDogg – Thanks for your posts, but I don’t agree with a lot of things are saying. You’ve made a lot of assumptions and that’s not a good thing. Yeah, I’m a nice person and that’s how I’ll always be. There is no reason to be mean to someone. I’m not the stereotypical person by any means.

    Johan – Thanks for your advice. :)

    I talked to her today and let her know I can’t go through with this again. This time we didn’t end in arguing, so that does give me a better piece of mind. I am moving on, slowly but surely, lol. I’m looking forward to find someone else I can spend time with and share my life. I’m an extremely picky person when it comes to relationships. Because of my extreme standards, I know this is going to be a long process. Hopefully, that this adventure in meeting someone else won’t take to long. :cool:
     
  7. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    What assumptions did I make? Tell me where I am wrong because I based most of what I said off of what you just told me. If you have more in depth information then share it.
     
  8. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    BTW, my post agrees with Johan's post. Maybe you just don't like the way I worded it.

    Also, you seem to have misunderstood what I am saying. I never said you need to be mean to anyone. Since when is standing up for yourself mean?
     
  9. Broken Dreams

    Broken Dreams New Member

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    I might have miss-read it. Sorry about that. It's been a long day. I'll reply back with a longer post when I get this exam done I'm working on. Thanks for your help guys. :)
     
  10. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    Great post diggity dog, I agree 100%.

    A lot of guys have this mindset where you have to treat women better than yourself. Personally I believe this is because a women are usually attracted to the strong alpha male, but feel guilty because they have a ton of childlike, needy guys trying to gain their affection. They are attracted to the alpha, but also feel affection for the needy, "nice" guys because of that motherly love you talked about.

    When they have their kid with the alpha, they raise their son to be "nice" because they WISH they were atracted to that type of guy because being in love with the alpha doesn't provide that same level of security. Especially when you have a lot of these "pseudo-alphas" that actually do treat people like trash but have those same alpha qualities that women are attracted to.

    When the mom sees the same attractive quality in her son, she associates it with the pseudo alpha being a jerk and discourages that behavior. The son grows up not standing up for himself and being a push over for women because he always feels like he is doing something wrong by acting like himself.

    Does that make any sense or am I just over thinking this?

    edit: meh, seemed better in my head than on paper.
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2006
  11. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    :werd: I'm a chick and I agree with all of that.
     

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