Need advice about a friend

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by teep, Mar 14, 2008.

  1. teep

    teep New Member

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    This is a little different, but I figured people here might know best. I'm very worried about my roommate (known him since the 8th grade). I guess I should note we've really drifted far apart as friends in the past couple years. He hasn't made a single real friend in 4 years of college and has only had one girlfriend and that was in high school. He takes a big drug cocktail every day for anti-depression, anxiety, and the like, and sleeps until its dark out. When he actually is awake he just sits in front of his computer until he goes back to sleep.


    He always says he wants to go out more and and meet people, but once he's out the most he does is make other people feel awkward. He's not a bad looking guy, he dresses and speaks well, and is at heart a good person. Yet he just manages to come off as a douchebag or extremely awkward. His idea of impressing or wooing a girl is talking about how expensive something he bought was. He also tends to just be entirely too pushy and will push subjects that are obviously uncomfortable to people. Maybe he doesn't realize?


    I've taken him out to parties, to bars, to dinners...I've introduced him to the nicest girls AND guys (not sure if he's gay or not), and still nothing. And I don't mean just your typical nice guy and girl. I mean the kind of person that can walk into a crowd of random people and be best friends with everyone within an hour. And yet he still manages to make them uncomfortable. I've even chatted up girls and given him an in and he never takes it.


    Do I tell him bluntly as a friend what I actually think? Or should I just leave him alone and go out to the occasional dinner or movie with him? I'm sick of trying though and being his only friend here. My girlfriend and I are finally in a great place lately and have been in another honeymoon type phase and every second he wants to know what I'm doing.

    Cliffs: Long time friend/roommate says he wants to go out more and meet people, but won't do anything with the opportunities I give him.
     
  2. teep

    teep New Member

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    done
     
  3. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Ok, first of all, the "drug cocktail" for depression: that's not normal.

    I understand that we now have lots of legal dope in our society, and tons of people take prescription medication.

    Its still not normal. He obviously has huge issues because of this.

    He 100% will never succeed in making friends or having a relationship until he feels good about himself. Unless the people are depressed themselves.

    If you met him as a stranger, would you want to spend time with him?
     
  4. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    You can't live his life for him.

    He is CHOOSING to be this way. Maybe once he suffers the consequences long enough, he will choose to change.

    Maybe its time for you to let him go? I had to let a close friend go because of his constant negativity which was rubbing off onto me and finally I had to stop spending time with him.
     
  5. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    To be very blunt and concise.

    His problem, not yours. It's not something you can fix for him
     
  6. teep

    teep New Member

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    Probably not. I'm still here because we were good friends as kids and through high school. A stranger meeting him wouldn't think anything was seriously wrong. He can be a very nice and sociable guy at times. He just somehow always manages to drop the ball big time.

    I don't know if this makes sense, but he can't just be a dude. He's ridiculously high maintenance, doesn't like sports, doesn't talk about girls, etc. And at the same time he just can't casually chat up girls without saying something awkward (which he doesn't realize).

    The weird and confusing thing is that I think he does feel good about himself. He's got an enormous superiority complex and can be ridiculously arrogant.
     
  7. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    I'm in the same boat with my roommate. But replace drug cocktail with booze.

    He has had a "girlfriend" since I've lived with him. And it is an entirly virtual relationship. They only talk via webcam/msn/phone/text AND SHE LIVES IN OUR CITY. He hasn't actually seen her face to face in over a year, and I've never seen her except on a webcam. He just doesn't get it. He also tends to creep girls out because he is waaay to forward "nice shoes, wanna fuck?".

    I've tried many things to get him off the couch and out talking to people, it never works (though oddly enough he makes a good wingman because he scares the girls right to me :hsugh:)

    My suggestion is be a friend still but it isn't your job to make someone live a better quality of life. I hang out with my roommate, but I don't try to push him out the door if he would rather sit at home on the couch with a bottle. Instead I go out and have fun, him being there or not doesn't affect how much fun I have.

    It's good that you are concerned, but you can't make anyone change their ways. Only they can change themselves.
     
  8. teep

    teep New Member

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    I understand, but it's hard when someone who has done a lot for you has asked for help. A lot of times he'll ask if you can tag along.
     
  9. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    go hang out with his gf sometime and talk to the roommate over webcam while hanging out with her at her place.
     
  10. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    :bowrofl:
     
  11. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    What help has he asked for? He's obviously not serious. He just wants to be able to tell himself that "he tried" and its not his fault other people rejected him.

    If he doesn't try at all, then its his fault he is alone. If he makes a token effort, the fault lies elsewhere (in his mind).
     
  12. teep

    teep New Member

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    He wanted help in just getting out more and doing things. The more I think about it I see that you're right in saying that he wasn't too serious about meeting people. He just seems to want to tag along to wherever my girlfriend and I go.

    I guess there comes a time to just let go. I think when I move out, which will most likely be soon, I'll just put it all out on the table very bluntly and tell him I'm saying it as a friend and because it worries me.
     
  13. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Personally I would say shit, I'd just blow him off next time he wants to tag along.

    If you reject him directly, you are just feeding into his whole deal of none of this is his fault.

    Not spending time with him is your only ammo here. It sucks, but that is the way it is.

    If you see him in the future and he has become a more positive person, then maybe you can be friends again. Otherwise, you've got to do whats best for you. And spending time with someone like him can't be helping you. More likely its a drain on your time and energy.

    If you keep letting him tag along, you are actually rewarding and reinforcing his shitty behavior.
     
  14. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Oh, and you said you think he feels good about himself, but if that were true why would he need all those drugs?

    I know the times I've abused alcohol it wasn't because I was feeling good about myself.
     
  15. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    She thinks I'm a complete asshole and apparently am one of the reasons she gives him as to why she doesn't come over.

    Because I have spoke with her in the past on the phone. Or yelled stupid shit while they were on the phone. Or stuck my cock in front of the webcam. :rofl:

    And I've tried talking to him in the past about how all he is to her is an emotional tampon... then he stayed in his room for a week and wouldn't talk to me. That was basically when I realized that it isn't my life and he can do whatever he wants no matter how self destructive it is.
     
  16. bimmer318

    bimmer318 I'm out of applesauce

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    do you live in Toronto? hahah
     
  17. XaPU!M

    XaPU!M Active Member

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    KW
     
  18. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    nothing wrong with not making new friedns in college. i graduated without getting any new friends (who I would call myself) at all. the only friends i became closer with were ones i knew from HS. I had friends and a clique to party with, but i definitely didnt really consider them close friends as we had little contact outside of the parties. (it was a consistent group @ the various parties.)


    as far as his lifestyle. its his choice someday he may change. its up to him not you
     

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