Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by CoCo, Feb 26, 2004.
Part 1: Can Gays Turn Straights? By Augusten Burroughs
Some straight guys complain that homos are always trying to get into their pants. My friend Mark is a perfect example. He’s very handsome and very vain and very hetero. Still, he enjoys getting looks from women and men alike. But the second a guy wants more than eye contact, Mark gets his panties in a bunch.
“Why does he think he can convert me?” Mark recently asked. He was talking about his friend, Eric. It seems that the two had been out drinking, and in a haze of alcohol Eric had made a pass.
I rolled my eyes and waved it away. “Mark, forget about it. I mean, who hasn’t ingested too much too much booze and then done something mortifying, like, call an ex-girlfriend at three in the morning and cry? And then realize it’s her new boyfriend who answered the phone and not her.” I decided not to remind him that this example came so easily because I’d tried to initiate phone sex with a client back in my hideously alcoholic advertising days.
Mark said, “Well, it really pisses me off. You become friends with them, you treat them like equals, you let your guard down, and the—Wham!—there’s a homo hand on your ass.”
He has a point—sort of. It’s actually a guy thing more than a gay thing. Guys are instinctively attracted to challenge. The hunt. The pursuit of prey that occasionally wants to be caught. Give o conquer. I’ve known more than a few below-average-looking slobs who have pursued incredibly beautiful women. Their beer bellies and bad breath in no way prevent them from stalking the lithe Helsinki model. If anything, it makes them more aggressive because a loser has nothing to lose and he knows it.
It’s a similar thing with gay guys. They see a handsome, sexy straight man who is maybe even a little flirty, and they rise to the challenge. For some fags, netting a straight guy is a real accomplishment.
Of course, a lot of straight guys are just asking for it. Although they won’t admit it, they understand that they are not truly hot unless a gay guy thinks they are. It is widely assumed that the modern unattached American woman is a desperate creature, sitting alone with pint of ice cream and reading single-girl chick-lit as her standards sink lower and lower and lesbianism loom on the horizon. The sad fact is, even a pig of a guy can get a beautiful girl if he has money, power, or put simply, the balls to call her.
But like teenage girls, gay men are shallow and obsessed with appearances. So straight guys know that if a gay guy thinks they’re hot, women must be thrown into a state of instant ovulation whenever they enter the room. It was only a year ago that Mark asked me, ‘Do you think I’ve lost it?” When I asked what he meant, he explained that there were three gay guys on his floor at his new job, “and not one of them has looked twice at me.” It was then that I explained to him the fine points of shaving the back of his neck. And I told him the one thing most straight guys do not want to hear. I said, “You know, you’re probably imagining it. All these homos you think are always coming on to you? They’re probably just being nice. And because you’re such an insecure fuckwad, you think it’s because they want to convert you or something. But I bet,” and here, I smiled, “I bet they wouldn’t want to get into your pants. Because, you know, they can tell.” And I gave him a sad, I-know-your-penis-is-tiny look.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he said, quite alarmed.
“Mean?” I responded innocently. “Nothing.”
“Like hell,” he fired back. “And I can prove it” He jumped up and closed his office door, unzipped his pants, and waved his dick at me. “See? That’s not small!”
And I said, “Mark? Why the fuck are you showing me your dick? I’ve told you before, I like you a lot as a friend, but I am NOT interested in anything romantic. Jesus.”
Gay guys dress like fags, have lisps, and like to spread STDs.
Oh wait, that isn't a myth...it's reality
...the smiley does not exist for what I'm feeling right now...
That is such a crock of shit and a very poor generalization. Go to hell.
...what were you referring to?
Insey, I know it's hard, but try to grow up a little.
that was good
Insey and his comment about gay men having lisps and spreading STD's. Nothing against you. I promise.
but any post of yours over 2 lines becomes very taxing on my eyes between the maroon and italics. just thought I'd vocalize.
...and you are allowed to do so.....
I like the same article about Flaming Gays versus Googoo doll loving gays. The 4 articles are insightful reads.
...hehe! That one was cool!! Maybe I should post that one too, hmm...
seriouly why do u all have lisps ? do u intentionally do that/ try to talk a certain way - high pitch etc ?