SRS my year in retrospec-from pleasure to pain and back

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by civicmon, Jun 1, 2005.

  1. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

    Feb 23, 2004
    Likes Received:
    dca -> nyc -> sfo -> san -> phl
    I wrote this for my website but never uploaded it.. debating it but i wanted to post it here to maybe give some inspiration how hopeless and elatement can work almost hand in hand, and one can overcome the hopelessness.


    This entry started out being about my last couple of days in retrospec but it's evolved into the past year in retrospec and i'll explain why in a moment.

    First, I have to say, I may have had the worst year of my life.

    But on the flip side, I may have had my best year of my life.

    For those who don't know, I live with Bipolar disorder, which creates massive moodswings in my life as well as obsessive compulsive and attention defecit disorders. Thankfully it's either under control or in remission, but either way, it's been a very rough past 12 months.

    About a year ago this time, I had what amounted to a nervous breakdown... I stopped going to class, only went to work to eat, and I wasn't eating. The final straw was when I missed my Japanese midterm and was racing down the 805 during rush hour at close to 100mph.

    Yeah, it was bad.

    So I got help which was fine, started on some mood stabilizer stuff. It helped but after two weeks or so the crying episodes came back so I was put on an anti-depressant for a while.

    All was fine until about... August I suppose. Something changed.. maybe it was the fact that the medication I was taking really crapped out which does happen. Anyways, I was back where I started in May. Stopped going to my summer classes, started calling in sick to work. Hooked on sleeping pills to get some sleep, skipping appointments, meetings etc like mad.

    This was the worst I have ever felt. If this is what hell feels like, i've been there, done that.

    I was balling nightly, I could barely get out of bed for work. I was feeling so bad and no one could help me. There was nothing anyone could say, do or pretend to act like in order to help me. Friends and family tried, but there was nothing they could do.

    My doc was on her summer vacation, my on-campus therapist had left and asked me to meet with this new one, where I just skipped out on the first appointment. After I got to my senses and replied to his email, I explained how I had been doing which was not good. My doc came back from vacation and I typed up a letter to her explaning what had happened and that everything that was once kosher was suddenly in pieces. We completely re-did my medication in the hopes it would help and it didn't.

    Coincidentally I went to Phila. to see my parents. This was just days after the doc appt. Nothing was going right and I tried to explain to my parents what was going on - they didn't realize the severity of the problem until I started crying at the Glen Mills PF Chang's.

    Back in San Diego, the campus therapist was meeting with me along with a referral to my current off campus one and seeing my doc twice a week.

    I was on, what amounted to, outpatient suicide watch.

    Yeah, it was that bad.

    My fall quarter was a f'n disaster. Another quarter taking two classes and another quarter on academic probaition. I started out with the usual four, dropped one almost after the first day. I had to drop Japanese and subsequently change my major as I just could NOT handle the pressure. Had the time been different I'm sure I could have passed it but nonetheless that's history. I wound up with a C and a C-, back on AP.

    I was in terrible shape for months. I was missing days of work, I wasn't going to what classes I had, I was crying nightly, I had a short fuse. I wanted it all to end.

    See, something most cannot comprehend is the kind of depravity that one feels when terribly depressed. This isn't the "work it out" sort of depression, this is the chemicals are so out of wack that there seems like there is no hope.

    My therapists and I talked at length about finding triggers, but I couldn't come up with anything I could identify with. It just seemed to have come on whenever with no rhyme or reason.

    All was crappy until maybe november or december (this is going on 3 months now) when my doc (finally) decided to put me on an anti-depressant, prozac, which I can attribute to saving my life. Within days, placebo effect or not, I was already feeling a little bit better. Nothing made me snap so easily, it gave me a more firm grip on life.

    After that, my therapist and I started discussion what was causing the other symptoms and when the bipolar stuff finally got under control, the obsessive thoughts and the attention problems didn't go away. Either way, they were small beans.

    So how could this have been the best year of my life?

    Well, I never would have thought it would have been until friday night. See, I'm in an asian-interest club on campus and we were having our annual graduation banquest. As I type this, I'm fighting back tears, probably from the emotion of the situation.

    Either way, the reason why it's so important is because it may be the last time we're all in the same room together. Between the 04 grads and the 05, I've made some very close and lifelong friends. From Joe to Kingsley, Jordan to Jenn, they're people who've helped shape and alter my college experience.

    I didn't realize this at the time but now I realize the kind of impact i've had on their lives and conversely, the impact they've had on my life..

    As a small grad gift from the club, we got Dr Suess books titled "you we'll go great places!" The theme is chosen since the Geisel estate is a huge donor on campus and the central library is named after him (though I can't remember the first name for the life of me). We were passing it around and signing it. Some were reading the entries immediately, others weren't touching them. I waited till I got home.

    From Joe thanking me for being there when he needed it, to Lucy thanking me for travel tips, to Mike thanking me for Guangzhou advice, to Kingsley and George thanking me for everything from supporting their DJ'n endevours to the crazy house parties... I realize that they've impacted my life as much as I have their own lives.

    See, we are going great places. Nathalie's probably headed to Shenzhen, China to do a masters program, Mike's heading to Guangzhou later this month to work at a Red Cross hospital. Joe, Mopo and Jenn Santoso are opening up a restaurant. Kingsley scored a gig as an IT analyist for a cellular consulting firm. We're going everywhere except back as a group.

    It's not where they're going but what we've come from. From Rei do Gado eating contests to late nights downtown or at the blackout house, nonetheless, those are things that have helped make my college life.

    What made this year fun wasn't the whats but the whos. Times like Ben Wong freaking the go-go dancer at Ole Madrid. Visitng Jenn Chang in Shanghai and invading her space for a week, going out nightly. Watching Huy out eat me at Rei do Gado. Playing poker with Joe and whoever else late at night, I realize that it could have been anyone but if it wasn't them, it may not have been the same.

    I realize some of this may seem over the top and may not make a lot of sense but it's something I need to write down in order to fully appreciate everything that's gone on the past year, the good, the bad and the ugly.

    I've been cursed in ways that no one can comprehend. Conversely, i've been blessed in so many ways it's hard to explain. I'm having a rather tough time swallowing everything when I think of it, but nonetheless it's something I need to get down on paper, otherwise the memories will fade and the experiences will only be a distant dream.

    It's been quite a ride... thanks for the memories.

    As for the here and now, i'm back somewhere over flyover country again. See, tonight, a bunch of us went to Tijuana Mex.

    Wow what a f'n disaster that was.

    Aside from fact that Tijuana is statistically one of the most dangerous cities on the continent, it's grimy and the nightlife is tacky as all hell.

    For the crime situation, the city has 1.3mln people and is on pace for over 500 murders this year. Using Mexico City as a benchmark with a conservative estimate of 23mln people, doing the math, if Mexico City was about as dangerous as TJ, it would have a whopping 8800 murders. Those are Johannesburg or Sao Paulo-like numbers for crime. Using the int'l standard for crime of murders/100k peopluation, TJ comes in at close to 45/100 people. That's Johannesburg-like numbers, and Jo'burg is routinely rated as one of the most dangerous cities on earth.

    As for the clubs, TJ got some really classy clubs. So naturally, we go to the tackiest that exist there, Club Mystere. I often wonder why I keep going back and last night was no exception. This time, 2 dudes had their phones stolen and my friend Ruth had her cash stolen. By some luck, we actually relocated the guy, got security from the club which was amazingly helpful and he even got handcuffed and arrested.

    So anyways, back to the tackyness of the club. This has to be the most ghetto place i've ever seen. I'm not the classiest guy out there but this club is GHETTO in capital letters. Now i'm not talking just about the venue, i'm also talking about the clientel. Everyone was either thugged out or dressed like a hoochie mamma. I seriously quesiton my sanity for going. Place was so packed could not move, everyone was pushing around... it was ridiclous. Give me Ole Madrid or Onyx any other day.

    Until next time....

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