Every morning I wake up feeling shitty about lots of things. I always wake up with an erection, and i'm pretty sure my whole family has seen it by now. I have no relationship with my family. They are strangers to me, and I am a stranger to them. The ones I hate the most are my father, younger sister, and older sister. I hate my father because he is a very weak man. He runs away from his problems like a little girl. He avoids confrontations and is very submissive to people. He gets way to drunk at gatherings and is very pathetic. He basically makes an ass out of himself and I am ashamed to be his son. I received 0 (zero) guidance from him growing up. He never came to my sports games, he never had any serious talks with me. He is bipolar like I am, so he is either pissed off or over manic, and I can't deal with him either way. Fuck him, he'll never change his ways. I hate my younger sister because I have always hated her. She is a stupid little annoying brat. She is a product of MTV and her friends peer pressure. They are not even actual friends, they just sit around a judge each other. She has no mind of her own. The world would be better off without her. Sad to say though, that she will find herself in my shoes one day, except that she probably won't be able to handle the bullshit like I can, maybe she'll just commit suicide. I hate my older sister because she thinks she is the most well rounded individual on the planet. She also has no mind of her own, and just uses all the euphemisms of the day so she doesn't offend anyone. Her husband is a joke. He is a middle aged fat guy corporate slave. His life is over. Now my older sister pisses me off the most when she butts her stupid fat nose where it doesn't belong. She will ask me uncomfortable questions in front of lots of people, even though she already knows the answer to those questions. I probably wouldn't mind her so much if she would just shut her yap for the next 50 years. A little more about myself. I always believed I was special. I always thought I had all the answers and everyone else is an idiot. Today, I don't know if this is true or not. Everyone I talk to seems like a retarded mindless slug. But the catch is that I believe all these people know something I don't. But then again, there is no way that everyone can know something that would prevent them from opening their mouths and just saying something original. It is mathematically impossible. It also pisses me off how nobody talks with each other. People all just walk around taking care of whatever they have to without talking. Why is everyone so quiet? I always believed that the cause of this was because everyone has important things on their minds that they are occupied with and so they can't afford to talk about dumb things. But now I realize that everyone's life is rather empty. Nobody has important things to think about. They have nothing important going on and at the same time they don't say anything to anyone. Who the fuck do these people think they are? Fucken boils my blood. This is how my typical day goes. I wake up around 11-12 with an erection. I head over to the computer and I masturbate to get rid of my erection. Even though I brushed my teeth last night, I still have plaque on my teeth in the morning. What the fuck is the deal with that? After I masturbate, I drag myself back to my room and lay in bed for about 2 hours staring at the ceiling, then at the floor, then at my clock, then at my gay posters, then out the window at the beautiful world. While I am laying in bed, I have 0 (zero) thoughts in my head. I am just laying there and looking at things. I don't have a thought. At this point in my day, I simply exist, but I am not conscious. After about 2 hours of this, I am extremely hungry and extremely horny again. I can smell my own funk under the bed covers and I must masturbate again. So, I masturbate and then get in my shitty $800 car and go to Taco Bell. After eating shitty Taco Bell, I feel very tired because the food sucks and I go back to bed. This time I make myself nice and warm and comfortable. It is usually around this time that I start thinking about how my life must be some prank by some supernatural force. I can't imagine how people have the drive/motivation to get out of bed and do shit. What the fuck is the point? I'm usually pretty happy just laying in bed and staring and things, but at the same time, if I had a gun, I would blow my head on the wall. Eventually, I get my ass ready for work and I go to work and usually don't talk to anyone all night, but this week has been a little different. I come home, watch t.v., look at porn, and lay in bed for a few hours until I fall asleep crying about my shitty condition. So I start reflecting on my life. I grew up without much supervision from parents. I was the wild child. I was the one your parents didn't want you hanging around with. I eventually made a group of great friends. We would usually do bad things. We would break car windows, light shit on fire, sneak into movies, climb onto roofs of big buildings, etc.. We had the time of our lives doing these things, but somewhere along the line our little empire fell apart. I never made a group of friends that good again. All of my friends since then have been scumbags, losers, or just general creeps. Right now for instance, there are only 2 people I see socially. One of them is a sick motherfucker who likes very young girls. He always contradicts himself and is a big hypocrite. He is selfish, rude, and makes a jackass out of himself all the time. He revs his engine when people are around. This guy barely passed high school and is very stupid. I'm pretty sure his mother smoked crack while she was in pregnant with him. The other friend is a rich boy. He does lots of drugs and claims to have hooked up with many girls and says he fucks them all the time. I never believed him but then I actually met some of these girls and I do now. The girls he chooses are all whores and he likes to take advantage of them. I hate my 2 friends. I don't know how the fuck I ended up with them, but I hate them a lot. I want to make friends with smart, descent people, but I don't know how to act with those kind of people. I have been friends with losers/creeps/psychos for so long that I forgot how to act around good people. I am a good person, I really am. I am just lost. The catch is that those good people that I want to be friends with piss me off for unknown reasons. All I want is a good, happy life. I want a good girlfriend, and be able to enjoy myself. But I can't. I've tried. How do I break the cycle? My shitty friends and shitty family have rubbed off on me too much. I want help, but I don't even know how to ask for it. My life is pretty much over. Just put yourself in my shoes for a few minutes and try to see things my way. You never had guidance from anyone, you raised yourself. You didn't know any better, so you grew up kinda fucked up. You never came out of your shell. You never experienced love, your extremely shy, your full of hate and anger for your family and friends, and your extra self conscious. Anxiety controls your life and your best way of reaching out is to be completely silent all the times as you watch life pass you by.