SRS My story

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by nukegoat, Jun 19, 2004.

  1. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    Whats up OT? My name is nukegoat... I'm an addict. I'm writing this for the purpose of identification. I notice we get a lot of views in this forum and not a lot of posts. I believe drug addiction is frequently misunderstood and frequently confusing. I wish that those who still suffer in addiction could find a way out, a solution. I'm going to tell you about my experience

    I started off when i had just turned 14 years old. A friend of mine was getting into smoking pot for his own reasons and naturally I had to feel the peer pressure of it all. I refused at first, thinking that I didn't need anything like that and it was dangerous and everything else. I watched him get high a few times and didn't really think much of it but felt like i was losing a friend. After I got my grades from my 8th grade year (oh noes) I felt really shitty that I had got a C. Yea. a single C. Anyways I freaked out, my parents got mad, and i felt like crap. I decided to call up my friend and have him get me high like he had been offering. He was only too happy to oblige. The first few times I smoked I never got high. Only a couple months later did I finally smoke enough or whatever to feel high. Once I was sitting on that couch, a wad of chewing gum in my mouth, high as a kite and just tripping out on my tongue or something, I knew I had found the way I was going to live my life. It was like discovering something I felt I had been missing all along. I fell in love instantly with the high and within 12 hours, I had convinced my mom to drive me to another friends house so i could smoke weed with this individual as well. So, the second time I ever got high, i insisted we smoke all my friend had. He was a novice pothead and he was like 'ok fuck it, lets blaze'. We smoked some 7 joints in a single session and he passed out while i continued to smoke more. I wanted to see what this feeling was like to the extreme. Not surprisingly, I passed out. This bizarre addict behavior continued.

    I started drinking a couple months later and naturally wanted to do that all the time and to whatever extreme it could take me to. I used to sit in high school, programming my calculator to calculate how many shots i could get out of a 1.75l bottle and things like that. I had stored liquor in my closet and my parents found it. They proceeded to give me a lecture on how I needed to wait until i was older to make decisions for myself, so on and so forth. I had been smoking weed BEFORE school, AT school, AFTER school, etc etc etc. I couldn't get enough.

    So i put it on 'hold', only smoking every couple of months until i graduated high school. This fucked me later on in life, as it was a perfect excuse for thinking I could quit whenever i wanted to. I figured that since I had made it about a year while in high school, it was just something i loved doing and everyone else was wrong.

    For the purpose of identification, i've probably done the same drugs you have (or at least some of them), felt the same highs and the same lows you felt, and I know what it's like to not be able to stop thinking about either using drugs, buying drugs, selling drugs, or just idolizing drugs. In college, I ended up getting into shrooms, acid, coke, meth, opium (never found heroin), dxm, foxy, ghb, etc. I didn't really have much distinction. My drug of choice was certainty. Every drug I had, I loved the way it made me feel. I just wanted more and more of it because it felt fucking good. It was better than reality, so I wanted as much of it as possible. I was kicked out of college for having such low grades. I got arrested with a partner of mine for possession w/ intent to sell with cocaine and weed. I looked sick. My parents couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Everything was spiraling down.

    I started going to narcotics anonymous not expecting much. Truth be told, I was court ordered and just figured I'd go, smoke cigarettes and hang out with a bunch of hardcore motherfuckers who maybe could teach me a thing or two about surviving in the streets. Instead what i found was identification. These people talked about feelings I had felt, just feelings of never having enough. I wasn't an addict because I did too many drugs, I was an addict because I never did enough. After some time, I started to see that these people who had been through a LOT worse shit than me - were enjoying life. I saw them saying 'fuck no, we don't need drugs or want drugs' and i decided I might as well give it a try.

    I've been coming around for about 2.5 years now. I love narcotics anonymous and I don't know why I would go anywhere else. I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using and I've certainly found that to be true. In the program, its up to you to decide what you want to have faith in, you can pick whatever you want - you do it in your time, go the meetings you want to go to, etc etc.

    For an addict like me, I needed the fellowship of other drug addicts so that I could feel like I was in good company. I have found some meetings very exclusive or clique-ish, so if you hit up a meeting and hate it, try a completely different one. Sometimes each area has a different mindset.

    If you think you have a drug problem, don't be afraid to talk about it! Your life is about YOU. Why would you want to be discretionary when its your life at stake? I hope someone maybe someday can read this or hear me speak and say 'i can get recovery, and I'm going to keep staying sober, one day at a time.'

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. metoots13

    metoots13 New Member

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    Thanks - here's my story too - I like your message of recovery.

    I'm metoots13, and I'm an addict. or for 13 years I identified myself as metoots13, and I'm an alcoholic.

    My mom died when I was 8 and I started using pot when I was 12. When I was 13 my brother got kicked out of the house for being the "bad" kid. He was doing lots more than me, and I decided that I'd never be made to leave home because of drugs. He was out of my life for five years, no phone calls, no visits, no nothing. That was the rules of the parents. Leave your sisters alone. I was devastated because he was my best friend. I quit using at that time, thinking I'll be safe, I'll wait. When I was 18 I started drinking, smoking pot, using coke, mushrooms, lsd, mescaline, you name it, if someone gave it to me I used it. This continued on for 10 years in which I made lots of stupid decisions under the influence. Driving in black outs and stuff like that, winding up in places that weren't the safest and getting involved with not very good partners. I got sober (and clean) when I was 29. I had 2 small kids and couldn't believe what I had put them through. I went to meetings and was pretty much a nut case. I really didn't get the 12-step program. I read NA literature and felt a little more connected, but I went to AA meetings most the time. I thought I was doing everything to the best of my ability, but have found out since that maybe I didn't hit my bottom that time. Getting involved in the program is a good thing, something wasn't working. Seriously, a person needs to hit that bottom pretty darn hard sometimes. I know I was hitting lots of bottoms in sobriety. I cleaned up in '86, my brother had cleaned up in '85, he watched me driving myself and everyone around me nuts because I wasn't going to meetings and sent me to town with a list of meetings to go to. He refused to take me, but watched my kids for me. He told me I had to get off my butt and do it for myself. He went back out using and cleaned up again in '91. There was a few years of really good recovery for both of us, I had someone I couldn't BS and so did he. Then things changed because I started lying, not using, lying. My recovery went bad, even though I was going to meetings. When my brother passed away I had a nervous breakdown. I went to doctors trying to get fixed, I went to meetings, I worked steps, and had a sponsor, but unfortunately I couldn't get it back together and I started drinking again, after all, with so much sobriety what could one beer hurt? I'll tell you what the next 2 years were hell on earth. You hear them talk in meetings about progressiveness in the disease. That means you don't start where you left off, you start where you would have been had you continued. Anyway, I started again, and within a couple months my 1 beer had increased to more and I had added drugs to the mix again. I ended up at the lowest of my low, smoking crack and not caring that I had said I'd never go there. I was looking like death and my job, my house, everything was on the line to lose. And I hated everything about my life, I didn't like the way it felt at all. So I knew what to do, but I tried for months and couldn't quit even though I wanted to. I knew where to go even. So I had made a clean date and couldn't keep it, and that was the end for me, I broke down and asked for help and have been going to NA for the past 2 -1/2 years +. My life's completely changed, I'm not nuts in this recovery time, I'm happy (at least most the time). Life is not completely baffling. I have feelings that I can identify. I make rational and good (well better) decisions. My job is secure, my house and finances are more secure and I can be myself without looking over my shoulder all the time. 12 step meetings rock. If you want what we have, come and check it out. Freedom from active addiction. And as Nukegoat said, "one day at a time". That's how we choose to stay in recovery, just one day at a time. Keep it simple. peace - out
     
  3. blazing187

    blazing187 Guest

    yo i dont realy have a story or a sotry i can remember but i feel yall.my mother was shot and murderd in front of me when i was 8 also i lived in a foster home for 3 years then my grandmother finnaly came to her senses and said she would adopt me.what im trying to say is i feel yall ther is just too much bull shit to cope with.i believe i use to be a big druggy i was into everything but now im strictly a weed smoker i dont see anything wrong with that(is that part of addiction)?im freely admitting i use to be but when it comes down to ganja i think its perfecty fine
     
  4. metoots13

    metoots13 New Member

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    Weed is considered a drug, since it changes your reality, and masks feelings, etc. You do have a story, think about it. If you feel like there is too much BS to cope with and use (any) drugs to deal with it, you may have a problem with life. In the literature of NA it says we use drugs because basically we don't know how to deal with life without them. Check out some of the NA literature on this site and you might see what I mean.
     
  5. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    post here more often too :love:
     
  6. blazing187

    blazing187 Guest

  7. hi nukegoat :wavey:

    IV user, crank/coke mostly in the end.
    5yrs 4 months here.
     
  8. Hey! I freely started injecting my viens with meth when i was 17 yrs old! Im freely admitting i used to use the shit-no problem right? Little humor, sorry. You are not freely admitting you use it. Walk up to a cop and tell him that. You could tell him you are drinking Pepsi or having a cigarette, cuz those are not illegal. In a cynical view, you are risking jail time and fines, employment, all sorts of things by engaging in illegal behavior daily. That is not a rational thing to do, so obviosly, something irrational is driving you to do this. What you choose to name that is up to you.

    When i was shooting up cocaine all the time in high school, i used to NEVER smoke crack, cuz i wasnt no crackhead! Kinda the same argument you are using to justify now only smoking weed.
     
  9. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    whats up man... you should post here more often as well :cool:


    I totally agree with what you say too in regards to the weed... i figured there was no problem, or like since i admitted i smoked too much weed i was fine.
     
  10. blazing187

    blazing187 Guest

  11. metoots13

    metoots13 New Member

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    it would be nice to have a few more recovery stories in here - anyone got one?
     
  12. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    :werd: everyone in here has a story...
     
  13. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

    whats happening ya'll......great stories. Heres mine, abridged (its a busy day at work.)

    started smoking shwag at 12-13 blaming divorced parents. Never believed the gateway drug theory. That led to some hallucinogins in high school (9-10th grade). By the time i was a senior, i was either slamming, or snorting heroin. if i couldnt get that, i had buddies with parents who worked in oil fields with messed up backs, so there was a continual supply of vicodin, hydrocods, or methadone.....this was long before the oxycodone epidemic.....pills are bad news.
    Ended up outta the house when i was 15, living in friends basements, and for a month or so, i lived in a renovation site in Memphis. Park bench sleeping and mugging folks for money.
    Sick of everything, i went home and tried to clean up. Never been a drinker, even now, couple bottles of beer each year....never got the hang of it.
    hated myself, my family seemed to hate me, making fun of addiction, even though they all were and are still alcoholics....so i tried to off myself.....it was ugly.
    landed in a "home" (it was an institution, family thought i was mentally unstable. They were right.)
    No H or Pills in 4 years 3mos and a handful of days......still some organic herb sometimes.....no excuses, just smoke some herb and study the Bible with my group.
    Jah has blessed me with a wonderful family, a beautiful daughter and a family base far far away from the biological fam. I praise His name for letting me survive. Ive never told this story before in such an outline format. It seems insignifigant to my life now....but it makes me who i am today. Peace ya'll, praise Jesus and love each other.
     
  14. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    Does this mean you still drink?
    This is the same way I felt deep into addiction :wtc: , and you're family has a history of alcoholism, it sounds like you're addict like me. Has your family ever gone to any AA meetings?
    By "organic herb" are you referring to weed?
    You seem to mention Jesus a great deal, it sounds like you've become a very religious person since your recovery. In my opinion, you found some spirituailty within your religion which assisted in your recovery. It is also my opinion that if you wish to continue recovering you should definitely check out some meetings of Narcotics Anonymous :bigthumb: , where the God of your understanding :angel: (In your case: Jesus) can do wonderful things for you. I also think you should re-think your views on this "organic herb," it is a drug. In addition, alcohol is a drug too. If you can't find any Narcotics Anonymous in your area, check out AA, and maybe ask a family member if they would like to go with you.

    Thanks for sharing your story with us, I wish you the best of luck. Think about checking out NA, and report back to us and tell us what you think!


    Peace be with you :hug:
     
  15. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    Here's my story:

    I was always a small kid, and developed some what of a chip on my shoulder early in life. I was pretty good at sports, so I developed some confidence from that, I was also pretty smart. Then I hit Junior High, and life sucked, I really wasn't happy with my social position. I always felt like something was missing from my life. By the time I got to high school, I was well aware that I wasn't one of the popular kids, and I wanted to be one, I wished I had been more serious about sports. I heard about this thing called weed, and I had smelled it maybe one time before, I wondered what the hell it was and what it did to you. So my freshman year in high school, I gave it a try. I found the missing piece in my life, :bowdown: weed.

    It felt like a dream, I didn't have to be myself anymore, it was awesome. Then I found alcohol as well, that too was great, because not only did I not have to be me, I was more confident as well. My new goal in life was to learn as much as possible about weed and alcohol, and in a sense, to spread the message. It was important to me that some of my friends should be able to feel what I felt, so I thought it important to get some of my friends high. I remember, with one friend I smoked him out so many times before he finally got high, he had this gigantic weed tolerance. One time we smoked about 7 joints and I sat there :squint: while my friend was like :eek3: nah dude I don't feel anything yet.

    I slowly slipped with a bit more drugged out crowd. I started taking acid and mushrooms. I kept smoking everyday, and began smoking with my dad after I found his stash. I found dabbled in some coke and speed here and there. Coke and speed made me feel like Mr. Money :cool: I could talk crazy, talk to girls, and be at 110% personality level. I was simply experimenting with other drugs at this point, it wasn't a habit yet.

    Then I took off to college, and alcohol became my new drug of choice. I was swept away by Santa Barbara, the party scene was new and exciting, and the girls far more beautiful than where I came from. I was in love with my new lifestyle: :booty: was everywhere, I would :cuddle: a couple times and I thought I was God or something. This worked for about a year.

    After about a year of this life-style, I moved in with a pothead, and start smoking a lot. I needed something more than alcohol to massage my ego, and I also needed a way to pay for weed, so I found an identity in drug-dealing. I finally felt like someone important, I would hang out with a few cute girls and say I was the crazy weed boy from planet ecstacy. It really made me feel special, I found the love and acceptance I'd been searching for. These feelings once again, lasted about a year. During this time, I found cocaine as well, and it became quite a problem quickly. :sadwavey:

    I decided I needed to mellow out, and moved into a quiet apartment with a friend who wasn't a pothead. I mellowed out dealing after a few close calls with the law, but quickly started back up again on a larger scale. I continued to drink and do coke, and life quickly slid downhill. I returned to my old friend meth, after my roommates new girlfriend brought some "ice" around that was better than any meth I'd ever seen. Within a matter of months, I was ripped up by tweaking, and failed out of engineering at school. I felt my life slipping out of control towards the end of Spring quarter, and decided to clean myself up by signing up to be a Camp Counselor. :dunno:

    I followed through with my plans, taught camp, and stayed clean during the week. We had weekends off, and I managed to stay clean the first weekend, abstaining even from cigarettes. The next weekend, I smoked a cigarette and I collapsed. Every weekend I would do speed pretty much all weekend, and then go teach camp during the week. It was the most morally draining activity I had ever engaged in. By the end of the summer, I was broken, I basically cracked up after taking a lot of speed and mushrooms at home. :wtc:

    I needed a new life and I knew it. Luckily, I was re-admitted to the college as a math major. I decided drugs were by far my biggest problem, so I would quit. However, alcohol was not a drug in my opinion at the time. In addition, I could still sell drugs if I didn't do them, I'd finally get rich like I'd been trying to the entire time. Suprisingly, this worked for about 9 weeks. I drank under control for about 6 weeks (by college standards), and the last 3 weeks I began getting drunk before class and drinking alcoholically (pissing off my own balcony, you know, things of that nature.) :asshole:

    One night, I lost it, I gave in and did some lines. The next day, I felt horrible, I had to smoke weed to feel better. Then the next day I might as well smoke weed again, and hey maybe I'll do some lines to perk me up so I can go drink. My point is, once I got going, there was no stopping me. I was doing coke and speed pretty much on a daily basis. Life had never been worse, I was in my own personal little hell. I missed the last 3 weeks of class, and showed up completely spun out to take my finals. I managed to stay in school, but with shitty grades. I also went out home spun out for Christmas on the 23rd (even know school ends on the 15th). I'd never felt worse, I finally decided to quit drugs, and I decided I could not have more than 1 beer, or else I'd relapse again. :nono:

    I talked to a friend of mine, and he was willing to come visit me just to take me to a meeting. I couldn't believe he wanted to help so much. I got to the meeting and they read the reading, "If you are like us, one is too many and a thousand never enough," and he gave me a good nudge. I decided not to drink even 1 after that. Then I found recovery, and it was wonderful, I was lifted from my broken spirit and found a new way of life. :)

    It was more awesome than any of the other things which lifted my spirits or massaged my ego, and I didn't have to feel hungover in the morning. I came to believe in a Power greater than myself. I got a 3.02 in school, and I was so excited about recovery, I had to spread the message of that as well. I did so, and 2 of my addict friends went to a few meetings, hopefully they stick around. I started working steps, and began the healing process. It was greater than anything I ever imagined. :bowdown: RECOVERY

    Sorry this is so long, I had a little time and I haven't really done this before... Life isn't always good today, but most of the time, it's pretty cool. I still have a lot of problems, but today I can work through them, and use my support group to find solutions. I can share my opinions, thoughts, and dreams with others honestly, and feel good about them. Half-measures availed me nothing, once I found the 12-steps, my life did a 180. I am grateful to God, and to this program, for without I'd probably be in jail, dead, or even worse in my own little personal hell. :wackit:

    :bigthumb: If you got this far, I'm impressed at your patience, thanks for reading. :wiggle:
     
  16. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

    First, no i dont drink. "Never really got the hang of it" you know......Some people are alcoholics, some people are dopers i've found. Alcohol never sat well with me (being mostly native american blood has something to do with it i think), the same for the "uppers". Never really liked that feeling. I am an addict. Just like most of you, i will always be a recovering addict. My NA meetings in SanDiego were incredibly helpful, no doubt. My partner was a cancer patient who fought the pain of chemo with Opium. Interesting fellow, probably one of my best friends now.
    I cannot/willnot change my opinion of Marijuana. I appreciate what you are saying and i hope you can reciprocate.
    God has truly blessed me with a wonderful partner, a beautiful, and a renewed life, so yep, I count daily blessings and trials. Peace ya'll. Jah bless.
     
  17. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

    corr:
    ...."wonderful partner, beautiful daughter, and a renewed".....
     
  18. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    "Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." - Alcoholics Anonymous


    I don't agree with smoking weed if you're "in recovery." I also don't agree with attending meetings for a while and then deciding you're done with them. Countless people I know have been unable to do this successfully, being true addicts. I would never take this risk personally.

    Furthermore, what material / worldly blessings you have could be taken away just as swiftly. No family, no job, no house... and where are you then? Do you relapse?

    Just as material loss is not a necessity for "hitting a bottom", material or earthly gain is no indication of sobriety.
     
  19. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    :bowrofl:

    thats the funniest shit i've heard all day!

    thanks for sharing with us.
     
  20. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

    I understand what you are saying and i do not agree with you. I WILL NEVER advise anyone to do anything other than what they feel is appropriate. But i will not stand idly by and watch what this beautiful nation is doing to itself, .......this is appropriate for another forum. I do not make excuses for myself or others, nor will i defend an opinion to someone who doesnt agree.....its a different mindset.
     
  21. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    What if someone is shooting heroine every day and you can see it fucking up their life? Does that mean you won't advise them to get a program and get clean? If you won't advise anyone to do something that they might not want to do, then you don't give advice, period. If no one gave advice, then we'd be going through the world alone, I know I couldn't live or recover in that kind of environment.
    To what are you referring here??
    You will not defend your opinions? Isn't that what group discussion is about, presenting and defending our opinions so that we can learn from each other and expand our knowledge? Possibly if you won't defend your opinion, you can explain your different mindset.
     
  22. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

    No no, i wouldnt advise someone that smoking ganja is an appropriate way of life. It is a decision that i have made about my life, i disagree with the anti-marijuana laws, i disagree with taxpayers paying 15 billion dollars in the fiscal year of 2003 for imprisonment for marijuana crimes, i disagree with the negitive television propaganda. I would not stop anyone from smoking herb any more than i would disagree with someone having a cup or two of coffee a day. Futhermore, i am a card carrying NORML member, and i would like to tell the Bush admin. to butt the fuck out. When i said this is appropriate for another forum, i meant that you started this thread to tell recovery stories,(of which i think i hold my own) not for me to try to chane your mind about pot. ORGANIC herb, not chem grown, not mexi shwag, not chronic, but family grown "free trade" grass, if you will, has more medicinal properties naturally than, say, Antivert for dizzyness, the list goes on and on.
    Nuke, in just the past month, i think you've read enough of my posts to know that ill fight to the death for my opinion. I didnt feel it was my place here (in this thread) to get into all the aspects of my culture, religion, or just openness about marijuana.....though it looks like i just did. I do not expect everyone to agree with me. but ive seen the effects on cancer survivors, amputees, anorexics, bulemics, AIDS sufferers, and recovering addicts that marijuana can and does have. Ive seen nothing negitive, aside from the illegality of it. Peace.
     
  23. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    ok
     
  24. Luciano

    Luciano Guest

  25. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    You can't be a recovering addict if you're still smoking weed, because then you're still an addict, because you are still using drugs. Sorry I'm just gonna have to disagree with you here. I suggest you actually try quitting weed and getting serious about a real 12-step program, then you will be shown the true light of recovery, after you have seen that, then you can tell me what you have is somehow better, but I think you will find quite the opposite.

    Try quitting weed, attend 90 meetings in 90 days, then come back and tell us what you've learned. I can bet your attitudes and opinions might change considerably. Hell, it may even save your life.
     

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