Whats up OT? My name is nukegoat... I'm an addict. I'm writing this for the purpose of identification. I notice we get a lot of views in this forum and not a lot of posts. I believe drug addiction is frequently misunderstood and frequently confusing. I wish that those who still suffer in addiction could find a way out, a solution. I'm going to tell you about my experience I started off when i had just turned 14 years old. A friend of mine was getting into smoking pot for his own reasons and naturally I had to feel the peer pressure of it all. I refused at first, thinking that I didn't need anything like that and it was dangerous and everything else. I watched him get high a few times and didn't really think much of it but felt like i was losing a friend. After I got my grades from my 8th grade year (oh noes) I felt really shitty that I had got a C. Yea. a single C. Anyways I freaked out, my parents got mad, and i felt like crap. I decided to call up my friend and have him get me high like he had been offering. He was only too happy to oblige. The first few times I smoked I never got high. Only a couple months later did I finally smoke enough or whatever to feel high. Once I was sitting on that couch, a wad of chewing gum in my mouth, high as a kite and just tripping out on my tongue or something, I knew I had found the way I was going to live my life. It was like discovering something I felt I had been missing all along. I fell in love instantly with the high and within 12 hours, I had convinced my mom to drive me to another friends house so i could smoke weed with this individual as well. So, the second time I ever got high, i insisted we smoke all my friend had. He was a novice pothead and he was like 'ok fuck it, lets blaze'. We smoked some 7 joints in a single session and he passed out while i continued to smoke more. I wanted to see what this feeling was like to the extreme. Not surprisingly, I passed out. This bizarre addict behavior continued. I started drinking a couple months later and naturally wanted to do that all the time and to whatever extreme it could take me to. I used to sit in high school, programming my calculator to calculate how many shots i could get out of a 1.75l bottle and things like that. I had stored liquor in my closet and my parents found it. They proceeded to give me a lecture on how I needed to wait until i was older to make decisions for myself, so on and so forth. I had been smoking weed BEFORE school, AT school, AFTER school, etc etc etc. I couldn't get enough. So i put it on 'hold', only smoking every couple of months until i graduated high school. This fucked me later on in life, as it was a perfect excuse for thinking I could quit whenever i wanted to. I figured that since I had made it about a year while in high school, it was just something i loved doing and everyone else was wrong. For the purpose of identification, i've probably done the same drugs you have (or at least some of them), felt the same highs and the same lows you felt, and I know what it's like to not be able to stop thinking about either using drugs, buying drugs, selling drugs, or just idolizing drugs. In college, I ended up getting into shrooms, acid, coke, meth, opium (never found heroin), dxm, foxy, ghb, etc. I didn't really have much distinction. My drug of choice was certainty. Every drug I had, I loved the way it made me feel. I just wanted more and more of it because it felt fucking good. It was better than reality, so I wanted as much of it as possible. I was kicked out of college for having such low grades. I got arrested with a partner of mine for possession w/ intent to sell with cocaine and weed. I looked sick. My parents couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Everything was spiraling down. I started going to narcotics anonymous not expecting much. Truth be told, I was court ordered and just figured I'd go, smoke cigarettes and hang out with a bunch of hardcore motherfuckers who maybe could teach me a thing or two about surviving in the streets. Instead what i found was identification. These people talked about feelings I had felt, just feelings of never having enough. I wasn't an addict because I did too many drugs, I was an addict because I never did enough. After some time, I started to see that these people who had been through a LOT worse shit than me - were enjoying life. I saw them saying 'fuck no, we don't need drugs or want drugs' and i decided I might as well give it a try. I've been coming around for about 2.5 years now. I love narcotics anonymous and I don't know why I would go anywhere else. I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using and I've certainly found that to be true. In the program, its up to you to decide what you want to have faith in, you can pick whatever you want - you do it in your time, go the meetings you want to go to, etc etc. For an addict like me, I needed the fellowship of other drug addicts so that I could feel like I was in good company. I have found some meetings very exclusive or clique-ish, so if you hit up a meeting and hate it, try a completely different one. Sometimes each area has a different mindset. If you think you have a drug problem, don't be afraid to talk about it! Your life is about YOU. Why would you want to be discretionary when its your life at stake? I hope someone maybe someday can read this or hear me speak and say 'i can get recovery, and I'm going to keep staying sober, one day at a time.' Thanks for reading.