SRS My Story, pt. 2

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by anomaly, Dec 12, 2003.

  1. anomaly

    anomaly If you weren't around for the original HA.net spli

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    Around March of 2002, I was pretty tired of being destroyed. I had just spent the last month in a psych ward after 2 serious suicide attempts, I had dropped out of school 2 credits short of graduating, and I hadn't had a day in a long time where I went to bed wanting to live more than when I had woken up. To off quote office space 'each day is my new worst day.' And, it truly was.

    My parents, still standing by me for some reason, decided that an inpatient rehab was probably the best course of action. So they called every one of the best places in the U.S., and they all turned me down. One, because while in the psych ward, I was diagnosed with 'true homicidal intentions.' It turns out that FairfaxCountyVA has one of the best rehabs in the country, and it’s run by the local government.

    My first day of rehab was utterly shitty. It was the first day in over 2 years I was completely sober, as I was snorting Ambien, Advan, and a couple other things in the psych ward. I hated it, I hated my parents more than ever, and I hated life more than ever.

    There was something interesting though. The AA sponsor I had the first time around, worked closely with the rehab. I had never stopped talking with him, as he never turned his back on me. He said his job is to carry the message, and not the mess. If I was there to talk and ask for help, he was there to offer his experience.

    At first, I did only one thing in rehab. What I did do was I didn't kill myself or anyone else. It took me about 3 months of sitting in rehab cussing at people, and making everyone else’s life miserable before something changed.

    I woke up one morning, and for some reason I still can't explain, I felt a little bit alive in side for the first time since I was 5. .01% of me felt like life was living. I didn't really know what to do with that feeling, so I did nothing. Within a few days, the want to live grew immensely.

    I was at a crossroads in my life. Part of me truly wanted to live, and part of me truly wanted to use. For me, these paths don’t stay together. I know for me, I'll be dead in 6 months if I go back out. I asked what to do, and people said to hold on to the part of me that wanted to live, that they loved me, and that it would take work.

    So, I started to work. The first thing I tackled was forgiving my parents. Now, they hadn't sexually abused me, but I always blamed them for it. One day I just decided to get all of that hurt, misery, anger, fear, and hatred out of me. It was a really rough day, but I made it through with help.

    After sitting doing bullshit for 3 months, doing little for a month, and working my ass off for 2 months, I had no time left in rehab. I was released back into the wild. I ran into people getting high, I ran into people drinking, and I went to meetings.

    It's been 19 months and 10 days since I stepped into Sunrise House. I can't convey in words how different my life is. I haven't felt like I wanted to die while going to bed at night in probably 16 months. I haven't found it necessary to drink. I helped a friend deal with his father's suicide. I have had friends go out. I helped people get sober. I have not worked a 4th step. In all honesty, I don’t think I will work one till around 2 years sober.

    What I do, on a semi-consistent basis, is carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous with me in daily life. If I talk to you more than a couple times, I'm going to tell you at least that I'm recovering, if not my story. I feel like if my experience in life can help one person besides myself, then I've done something truly amazing.
    I can't say that life has been perfect. I've been kicked out of my house, I've totaled a car, I've been convicted of a misdemeanor, I've had 2 friends kill themselves.


    I can honestly say I made it through everything with some grace and peace inside, because I know I do not take this path alone.

    Thanks for lettin me share.
     
  2. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    Thanks for your share - why arent you going to work a 4th step yet? Do you have a sponsor?
     
  3. anomaly

    anomaly If you weren't around for the original HA.net spli

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    I do, and in all honesty every resentment i've had i've talked about. I've told ALL of my secrets, and he said it's not nescessary at this point in my recovery.
     
  4. Mycophiles

    Mycophiles OT Supporter

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    Anomaly. I back up your sponsor 100%. Many people take years to do their 4th step.

    I'm never amazed at the power of the mind and the resolve emcompassed in forgiveness but when you said that you forgave your parents in 1 day I was shocked. Please don't take this as any doubt that I would have in you or your program but I'd like to just throw out that maybe in the future you might come across these feelings again.

    I, like you, was put into the mental institute by my parents and then was thrown into jail a couple times.

    What's it called? Tuff love or something?

    I couldn't believe what my own parents did to me not because of my own addiction but because they were non- drug addicts. My parents are 100% christian. They met in a coffee shop after my mother dropped out of a convent. (you heard me right... she dropped out of a convent.) After meeting they then spent 2 years togeather in my step-grandfathers home who had 5 years previous dropped out of the priesthood. Add on top of that that they have never experienced the wilder sides of life and always been somewhat sheltered by overbearing parents ( :rolleyes: ). Then add to that they had never done a drug in their life. Neither one to this day have ever been drunk or overdosed on drugs. Now where exactly was their perspective on me?

    *( Funny story: My father had gotten vicatin for pain over 3 years ago and b/c of a backache recently dug up his stash and been taking the pain killers. Sitting with him the other day he brought up the question, " This bottle says to take it every 8 hours or 4 times a day. Should I take them every six hours *(he begins chuckling here) I calmly explain to him that he should take them as needed or take one when he gets up one in the evening and one before bed if he has a problem getting to sleep, and if not then take them up to 4 times a day according to the amt. of pain. He's laughing by this point because he says, "You don't get what I'm asking". After some confusion that would be hard to write out what turned out to be his point and also what the damn fool was laughing about was the fact that ever six hours turns out to be exactly 24 and its a cannundrum to either take it before or after exactly that 24'th hour. (I hope your getting all this) I then asked the fumbling idiot when the last time he took a pill was and none to my suprise it was just about and hour and a half before. The damn fool was High and didn't know it.

    Now this is the same fool that threw me into the mental institution,jail, halfway houses and whatnot. I have forgiven both my parents for the tuff love they had to use in order to get me sober but it's mind boggling to me still that they could even fathom what my life was like during that time. They couldn't in fact do just that. So what was their right to throw me in the mental ward? Well. Their my parents. ;) They love me and that's all I need to know and accept. ( right ;) )

    Now, today. Over two years since my mental break and institutionalization (is that even a word?) it's hard for me to brush aside this simple fact even though I must. It's very easy to muse on it a bit and grow some mis-directed anger toward them.

    Anyway, thanks for your story and I hope I didn't bore you to death.
     
  5. anomaly

    anomaly If you weren't around for the original HA.net spli

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    I didn't say I forgave them in 1 day. It was a 7 year process, that I finally did in 1 day.
     
  6. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    the purpose of the 4th step isn't just to open up resentments and secrets...
    4th step is inventory man, regardless of whether or not you've talked about it, you need to take your inventory.


    just for the record, for anyone reading this, i personally disagree with this logic and process. Inventory is not something you choose whether or not to do in the process of working steps.
     
  7. anomaly

    anomaly If you weren't around for the original HA.net spli

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    I'll do it when my sponsor tells me to.
     
  8. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    I can't argue with that...

    well I could. Make sure you're working THE/YOUR program, not your sponsor's.

    One day at a time though man, I'm glad you're clean today. Really.
     
  9. anomaly

    anomaly If you weren't around for the original HA.net spli

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    My program is to get fucked up, THE program is living the steps in my daily life.
     
  10. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    Ok - all i'm saying is don't let your sponsor work your steps for you. Step 4 is crucial and is part of the steps. Its a requirement to work any other steps beyond that. And as you said, the program is working steps.

    Process of logic determines that you have to work your steps, not on your sponsor's time - on your own.
     

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