I just felt like writing this tonight, there is no real point or question, so just read it if youre bored or something. I was born with a lazy eye and have alays suffered from a low body image abd self esteem. I moved across the country when I was 12, became depressed and put on a bunch weight which made it worse. Fast forward to high school when I discovered the party scene. I found a place where I could have fun and feel liked. I had a fake id and was getting blacked out drunk 5-6 nights per week. During this time I met a lot of girls. I actually took 5-6 different girls out in those 2 years. We would go out and have a lot of fun. They would cuddle with me, sleep in my bed, invite me to sleep in theirs but never would accept me on a romatic basis. This always frustrated me. I now have a mental block that I just KNOW a girl won't like me, even before she meets me. It's like I already know the outcome; in the end i will end up being the creep. During the summer before college I met a girl who was actually interested in me romantically(the only one I've ever met). This probably lasted 3-4 months before my insecurity/alcoholism completly ruined the relationship to the point that she said she never wanted to talk to me ever again and has stuck by her word. Even though ive accepted what happened I think about the mistakes I made often. I have a lot of resentment built up towards myself over this. I have no confidence in myself to be able to be in a asuccessful realtionship if I were to ever meet someone. after this my drug and alcohol use escalated to a dangerous level. A Xanax and a bottle of rum put me in a good mood. After I nearly flunked out of college I realized I couldnt let myself become a dropout. Around this time I had surgery to fix my eyes; this raised my self image and esteem 100 fold (not an exaggeration). I began eating healthier, exercising more and drinking less over the next 2 years. So now I'm down 100lbs and am beginning to see ab defnition. I became confident in myself for the first time. I had some drinks on new years but can't remember other than that the last time I got drunk. I no longer use drugs or smoke weed. I'm losing my old friends because they are still living the party lifestyle whereas I haven't gone out in months. Hell last weekend my friend had to be taken to the hospital after a booze/coke/weed episode. This jus isn't the life I want to live. I've now decided to direct my energy and time towards making money. Being wealthy has become a goal of mine. I found a job online where I make my own hours and can make 10-12$/hr. I also have a job at the mall, now that I'm not too ugly to hire. Not bad for a kid going to school full time I think. I now work as much as I can. I don't go to bars or parties, I just work. Im 100% confident in myself that I can reach my monetary goals but I don't feel good about losing friends I've had for a long time and facing the prospect of being single until a girl meets me(because god knows I can't meet a girl). So, that's basically me the past 5 years.