SRS My son and I. I feel so guilty.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by SovietRussia, Jul 9, 2005.

  1. SovietRussia

    SovietRussia What? You pooped in the refrigerator? OT Supporter

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    So I am not with the mother of my son, and when I have him, I some of the times have other stuff planned also. So I kind of divide my time, doing things with him, and the stuff i had planned, but usually i feel so guilty for 'pawning' him off on my mom (although she seems to love it) that i dont really have a good time, and i am worried about running into him mom. i dont really know what to do. I feel like i am so selfish but in the same breath i am missing him and thinking about him constantly. I guess i just feel like his mom has moved on and has a new boyfriend, and i dont have anyone to share my life with (other than my son) and i feel like i need to go out and find someone that might fit that bill. help?
     
  2. Eris

    Eris Yes please

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    I'm not a parent nor am I an expert of any sorts on this matter.

    So here's my 2 cents ....

    First - everyone is entitled to a little *me* time, however when you're a parent your priorities change (or at least they should). Perhaps the guilt you feel when you divide your time is telling you something. General knowledge that when you feel guilty about something it's obvious you're not making the right choice.

    As for finding someone to share your life with - I have found the best things come in life when you're not looking for them (others think that you NEED to seek them out). But before you can really let anyone into your life you need to have you figured out.

    Maybe cut back on your plans and spend more QT with your son or take him along if it's appropriate. Or readjust what you're doing to include him. That way if you do happen to meet someone she'll be able to meet you both at once ... and it won't come as such a shock later on when she finds out you have a child.

    Like I said .. I don't really have experience in this area ... just my opinion (please dont hurt me!!!)
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2005
  3. BeniBoi09

    BeniBoi09 New Member

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    Since my Dad was/is kinda in your situation, this is my story which might help out: when I visited sometimes he had other plans with the guys or something and i stayed with my grandparents.. (might mention that this occured mainly early childhood to early teens) well when i hit 14 or so i started thinkin my dad didnt wanna see me so i stopped visiting him.. now im 18 and I see him when i can due to work and other stuff.. I just wish he would have spent more time with me more than one weekend a month (which i was only with him for a day and grandparents for the other day).

    See if you can schedule some fun stuff for you and your kid.. maybe a minor league baseball game or something fun like that... Trust me, this will affect the kid in some way..

    ps if this post has bad grammar or dosent make sense in some parts its because ive been up for a day and a half..
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I think above poster made a very important point, SHOW acts of love to your child that you WANT to see him. And don't let this fade away. Look its FAMILY first, and because you aren't doing that you should sacrifice more of yourself and spend time with your son. Get yourself a new gf to fill in the gap in your life. And i need to add that, you have to understand that when you made the choise to marry and to get children, you also made the choise to take care of them. Any common guy can get children, but it takes a man to take care of a family.
     
  5. ItchyDog

    ItchyDog Guest

    Reminds me of Cats in a cradle

    I think you should rething your priorities. Having a child is a big responsibility, and your priorities should be adjusted accordingly.
     
  6. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    That's exactly it. Be a father to this child and suck it up. Be civil with your Ex and spend what little time with him you have each week to show the little one what a grown man should shape up to be.
     
  7. SICK GUY

    SICK GUY 69, DUDE!!

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    i experienced this with my ex and son. i think as long as you dont get in a habit of pawning him off every time you have him, its cool. i know the guilt you talk about though. i still sort of go through it. i only get my older boy on the weekends, and ill have him spend the night at my moms house every once in awhile so me and the old lady can go out and have fun. i think its important for kids to be close to their grandparent though.

    btw, how old are you?
     
  8. SovietRussia

    SovietRussia What? You pooped in the refrigerator? OT Supporter

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    i am now 24, and my son is 16 months old.
     
  9. P-chan

    P-chan New Member

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    He's only 16 months and you're 24? I would say once he reaches 2.5/ 3 years old+ you need to start spending serious QT with him. After 2 years is when a child will really begin to develop his value/punishment/right/wrong system in his head. You say your ex has a boyfriend that lives with her? Do they have any other children? Is the new boyfriend providing a father type figure when you're not there? I'm sure you might want to feel animosity toward this man, but you have to realize that this man will have a STRONG impact on how YOUR son grows up, so it is extremely important that if he is playing a father role, that he at least feels like he has your support. Talk to him about what your son has been doing, what kind of things are going on etc. This isn't too horribly important now, but will become important as your son gets older.
     
  10. RyeBread

    RyeBread If you tell the truth you don't have to remember a

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    pay attention to what he wants to do, what's important to him. make those things important to you - even if unable to do them.

    my 5 1/2 year old has been writing/drawing all kinds of cool posters/cards to me and my wife for the past few weeks. we've had quite a bit of personal issues with both of our extended families in the past 6 months and two deaths that hit pretty close. plus some friends that went through a divorce, etc., etc.

    we finally figured out that he was feeling vulnerable, and reaching out as he knew best how to. you should have seen the look on his face, when I made a poster for him to see when he returned from a friend's house swimming this weekend...
     
  11. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    FYI: The first 3 years will make or break that kid, in terms of development. Every minute you spend with him, loving him, will enrich his life. But sure... balance that with getting drunk while on probation with your pals.

    You know what to do. This ain't complicated.
     
  12. okita1

    okita1 Great spirits have always encountered violent oppo

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    im 25 and a father of a 2½ year old, the mother and i are not together. Definatly do not pawn him off, I have a blast with my kid when are together, theres nothing in the world better than seeing your kid run up to you ready to jump in your arms when he sees you. i used to live 200 miles away from my son until the first day i saw that he was sad when i was leaving, within 2 weeks i had a job in the city that im in now and had a place to live. Trust me, give your self to that kid you wont regret it.
    ps. theres plenty of time when you dont have him to have a life etc. etc.
     
  13. SICK GUY

    SICK GUY 69, DUDE!!

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    i say spend as much time as possible with him, but he is also young enough to not really understand whats going on. still go out and have fun, just dont make it a regular thing.
     

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