SRS my so called "friend"

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by lola83, Jan 5, 2006.

  1. lola83

    lola83 New Member

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    sorry, i didnt know who else to ask. this is a huge story, im sorry.

    ive been friends with this guy for about 5 years now. we've been through alot and he used to be my best friend. we then started sleeping together, but still remained just friends . then he met his new girlfriend. he ditched me for his girlfriend for about a year, but then apologised and i forgave him. and they broke up. anyways i got diagnosed with depression, and the last four months havent been nice, and i did something stupid and looked through his computer files, to see what he'd been up to. he didnt like that, but forgave me and ive been trying to be good friends with him up till now. but he always hangs out with his other friends, and with my other friend who he had a crush on, and doing other stupid shit that cant be said here. ive told him that i want to know if we are still friends, cause im not wasting my time on a friendship if he dont want one. he said no we are still friends, we'll still hang out.
    everytime i try to organise to hang out, he always has something else going on, whether it be other friends, other things he has to do, and recently now, another girl.
    i dont know what to do. ive confronted him about it, and he says that he's just busy, and that when everything settles down, he'll hang out on a normal basis. part of me wants to say nope, had enough, and not talk to him, but he was my best friend, and i still want him in my life cause he's been so amazing up till now. what do i do?
    thanks for reading.......
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    I guess you've learned how not to handle yourself in the future.

    If he doesn't want to hang out with you, even after your impassioned mea culpa, then, there's really nothing more to do.

    Realize there are some things, that once done, cannot be undone.
    Breaching a trust...well, I'm sorry, but "hanging out" seems like a low priority once someone has betrayed you.

    You can't force someone to be in your life, just because YOU want it.

    Concentrate on being a better person. If he wants to be around you, he will.
    If not, there are other people in the world, you know.
     
  3. KDazzle

    KDazzle New Member

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    i've had a similar experience except i'm a guy. my best friend was a girl back in hs but when we got to college she hooked up with some guy. we were really tight back then but after she got a bf, it was as if she didnt need me anymore and now, 5 years later, we hardly talk anymore. it was hard for me to get over at first, but i now realize that even tho we were labeled as "just friends", such as you guys were, we really weren't JUST friends afterall which is why things changed so much after she got her bf. i guess in a way we were kind of using each other as significant others without really realizing it. anyways, sorry to put it bluntly, but he probably doesnt care about the friendship that much anymore b/c he doesnt really need you anymore. like the ppl above said, new ppl come into and out of our lives all the time. it's sad that what you once thought of as a very special friendship can become the way it is but you just have to realize that you'll be fine without his friendship and you'll find some other ppl that are just as great as him when you least expect it. i know b/c it happened to me so i can relate...
     
  4. lola83

    lola83 New Member

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    you guys are absolutely right. thank you for the advice. our whole friendship after he got a girlfriend went downhill and it didnt help the fact that i started sleeping with him again, after we started being friends again. i know i did the wrong thing, and ive learned a huge lesson. thanks for making me see that, and i actually feel really positive about just putting it all behind me and moving on.
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You're going to be just fine.
     
  6. Devilish

    Devilish Remind me AGAIN

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    Great idea. Goodluck with it all
     
  7. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Because of the sex you have become emotionally attached, friends don't have sex with eachother, i know you feel uncertain but im sure there is more to it then just friendship. Maby friends with benefits if you want to define it that way but that's not important at the moment , when you went thru his files you 'broke' his trust, which is crucial. He's lying when he says 'oh i forgave you its allright' He's thinking , i don't like her and don't want to hang out because i don't trust her, surely you could have come 'along' with him and his friends if he still cared enough about you, so its just a damn lie, caused by the mistrust that you have casted upon yourself, the 'searching in his stuff' has backfired at you, and resulted in the depression you are in.

    And now you are waiting for a 'confirmation' from his side, that you two are still friends. This friendship is dead and over, you are only hurting yourself by continueing this shit which makes you feel horrible, i want you to realise that.

    Friends with 'benefits' doesn't work, that's the lesson you have had to learn with this, you have opened an emotional door to him, and it not working out has caused you to sink in misery.

    Go out, get new friends, and go for a 'relationship', find yourself a NICE guy, you definitly need a guy who after time that you get to know him can give him more trust little by little , and if things work out get into a decent relationship and replace this friend of yours with a new friend.

    Think of it, he's only leaving you alone, what good has that done to you? You need social contact to feel to be a part of life. Honey stop hurting yourself , give yourself a new chance, and some slack space in the realisation that the friendship between him and you is no more.
     
  8. svetlanalemon

    svetlanalemon A little blood and vomit on the car seat...

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    agreed
     
  9. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    :)

    just wanted to letcha know that i've been there, and recently, too. i've had a couple male friends of mine [one long term & one ~short term] tell me that they want to hang out with me (and have a great time doing so) yet when it comes to setting dates, something never quite adds up. sure, everyone's busy... but the catch here is that you MAKE time for those people that mean something in your life.

    there's a quote that says something like this: "don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to invest the same in you." ;)

    believe me, if they aren't able to see what awesome qualities you bring to the table, they aren't worth it in the long run.

    don't take this negatively tho! no one can take away the great times (after 5 years, i KNOW you have great memories). losing someone, or simply growing apart from someone, doesn't have to be a negative/sad thing. all our life experiences teach us about who we are, and they allow us to grow as a person. :)

    good luck woman... you'll be okay :)
     
  10. Spirito

    Spirito New Member

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    i think you are a bit jealous , be nice to him and try to cope with his social behaviours and accept his relations with others , its the only way to keep him as a friend
     
  11. Skeletor

    Skeletor Guest

    While I know you want to remain his friend, I think you should question your reasons for that. Is he really a good friend? He doesn't seem like he cares about you very much. Are you sure you don't simply want to keep him as a friend to validate your worth to yourself, because he had left you previously but if he sticks with you as a friend then maybe you feel like you won over the other girl?

    You seem awfully jealous of the guy and he doesn't seem to care for you much, so I honestly think you should just end the friendship and stop talking to him.
     
  12. lola83

    lola83 New Member

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    ok well i did that and im on holiday trying to find myself and he came to stay with us. i didnt know this. anyways he said that he doesnt want me to move on, and that he's put all the crap behind him and is ready to start over just as friends again. i said that its ok if i fucked it up and i will move on and be happy. he said that he's dealt with some stuff too, unrelated with me, and that he really wants to start a positive friendship with me. after this holiday, i feel happier and more positive and i can see improvements with all my friendships including his. im moving house, achieving my goals, and i have a job interview next week. so things are going really great. so thanks to all of you who have inspired me that life goes on and if youre positive, positive things come your way. the thing i wanna know is do i keep trying and continue this new found friendship and see where it takes me, or do i still leave him behind and embrace all the new stuff without him?
     
  13. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    keep an open mind about the idea doesn't hurt, but realize that (imo) people rarely change. you run the risk of getting hurt again, but as long as you know it's a possibility, then :bigthumb:.

    if i were you, i wouldn't put more thought/actions into him until you see him taking initiative first. let him come to you. like i said, people (in general) will do what it takes to be your friend if they find you worth it. they WILL seek you out... believe me ;)

    good luck, and happy 06 ;)
     

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