SRS My relationship is done.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Stilgar1973, Oct 6, 2006.

  1. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    I have done everything for this woman.
    She got into a bad car loan with her former boyfriend. She cosigned HIS car loan. Well it wasn't a loan... it was a lease.
    He decided to stop paying.
    We collected his car - I had to go along with her to protect her. He also owned an HDTV that we took from him (that was on her credit card too). I paid for the Uhaul. I stored it. I put it up on eBay and I sold it from ebay. I gave her all the money from it.

    She doesn't make as much money as I do. At first when we met my own finances were a mess. My fault. She helped me get them straightened out. After my finances where under control I began to notice how hard it was for her to make her bills. She wasn't bad at finances like me, she worked in a poorly paying job.
    I began giving her money to help her with her bills. I started doing things like canceling the cable at my apartment and picking up the cable bill at hers.
    I was always happy to do this, I didn't want her to get a second job and I saw how much it stressed her out. Whatever I could do to help.
    After a few months I got a clue and realized that we could both be better off if we moved in together. I mean, a lot of our bills where duplicates, rent and phone and such.
    At that point I had already decided that I wanted to get married to her. For me it was a matter of time. Originally I was going to wait until her lease was up to move in with her. But I thought why not.

    Then in July her Mother died. It was tragic and unexpected. Her Mother and Father were vacationing in Europe (Germany and Austria) when it happened. So everything that you know about someone dying and getting buried 3 days went out the window.
    Like 3 days after it happened she was on the phone with her Father when she says to me, 'Hey my Father wants us to move in with him. Can we do that?'.
    I had a deer in the headlights moment. My original answer was, 'ummm hell no.'. I was wise enough not to say it. I tried to put off giving an answer, but she hung up the phone and just started bugging me till I gave her one.
    Someone that is mourning like that, how can you say no to any request?

    So we moved into her Fathers house. Lately she has been pushing marriage and kid HARD. Like every day she brings it up.
    I am not thrilled to be there. Yeah it is nice not to have to be paying the bills. But God I want to be making my own decisions. That part drives me nuts.
    To have put the Tivo on the main TV but realized that her Father couldn't stand it. I had to put the Tivo upstairs in the bedroom. I mean, I know it is a small stupid thing, but I am 33 years old. I have lived on my own since I was 20. I am an independent person.

    So I started asking her what needs to happen for us to move out. She rolls her eyes and wants me to shut up. She wants to live with her Father forever. I told her that I am going to take college classes in November. We can do it all. I can do college, we can get married we can have a kid. We can do it while living at her Fathers house. But I am going to be miserable if I don't know that at some point we can't be shopping for a house to raise our family in on our own. I need to know that it is important to her - because it is important to me. If she wants to have a kid and get married, I need her and me to come to a conclusion about what needs to happen for us to get our first home.
    I am thinking I finish college, get another job and we should go shopping.
    She won't commit.

    I can't marry someone under these circumstances. Living at her Fathers house is important to her (cause of her Mom) and we are doing it. Baby and marriage - she can have that before the year 2007 is over. I am ready for that. I will give her these things.
    I need this one thing.
    And all she does is claim I am trying to make her choose between Me and her Father.

    My Doctor recomended a book for BOTH of us to read, 'Her Needs, His Needs'. I bought it on Amazon tonight. I told her I need both of us to read it. She said it is stupid and it won't help. I told her that maybe we both need to have a group session with my Doctor then. She won't do that.

    I told her that our relationship is broken and that all I want to do is fix it.

    How am I the bad guy here?
     
  2. xevres

    xevres I'll go. You guys just watch the fire. And nobody

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    ur not
     
  3. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    Her and her Father are both good people. I feel like I am hurting them.
    But she isn't giving me any options.
    I want to hear from her that when such and such happens we can start house shopping.
    She says that she can't give me a date. She says that she won't say to me that in 2 years of 4 years or 5 years she will be ready to move out. She says 'What if I am not ready? What if my Father is not ready?'.

    I feel like that is a way for her to say, 'I may never want to move out.'. And if that is the case then I don't want to have a kid with her and I don't want to marry her.

    I feel like a bad guy because what happened to her is truly tragic. If I were to say 'Aren't you over this yet?' would be assanine and completly unfair. I don't want to pressure her to answer these questions, I think she has mourning to do.
    But she is pushing marriage and baby in a hardcore way. She wants both before the end of 2007. These things require decisions NOW. Or by the end of the year at the latest.
    I feel backed into a corner. I don't want to pressure her for this, she isn't ready for it yet. But how can I possibly give her an answer to these questions if she hasn't answered mine?

    That makes me feel like I am being a bad person. That I am pressuring her on this when I know she isn't ready.
     
  4. angryman

    angryman New Member

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    Not to be cold, but it sounds like she has attachment issues.
     
  5. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    I am not sure how to define attachment issues. But she has been the clingy type from day one.
    I am the insecure type. Clingy type helps me feel secure. Hence it doesn't annoy me. But I would understand why others would be secure.

    But if you mean attachment issues with her parents. Yeah I think she has issues. And I think that a lot of it has to do with her Mother dying.
    Which is why I feel guilty. But I am trying to be honest with myself. If I got married to her and she NEVER wanted to move out would it make me miserable? Yeah I think it would.
     
  6. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    I would agree with you Rocco, but every day I get hit with, 'My biological clock is ticking. Why do we need to get married first? Can't we just have a kid now?'.

    That is what sets it off. I want to be married before kids. I am perfectly willing to get married as early as next spring. We have the ring picked out for Gods sake.

    I haven't handled the moving in with Dad thing in the most perfect manner. The truth is that deep down inside I have this voice going, 'You wouldn't even move in with your own Mother in a situation like this? You need your space. This is nuts.'. Occasionaly my poker face has broken.
    I am scared to death that she wants to move in here and live here until her Dad dies.
    I have a lot of trouble handling the idea that we are going to get married, go on a honeymoon and come back to this house where we essentially live in what was her childhood bedroom.

    I really, really, really want to say to her, 'I want to marry you. Provided that we can come back to our own place.'. But I know that won't fly. And knowing the timeline she is pushing for to get married I just can't do that.
    So I want the next best thing, which to me seems like saying, 'OK. Lets agree that when this happens we go house shopping.'. Off the top of my head we could say; when the kid starts elementry school (5 years or so) or maybe say when I get my first job after school.

    The book is because I feel like I have been addressing her needs for a year now. But when it comes to getting married I have a need that is driving me apeshit. Her not being willing to address it or to give any sort of honest discussion to it is making me feel like she isn't willing to worry about my needs at all. It is like our entire relationship is based on her needs.

    All she has to do is drop the kid thing.
    But the kid thing is emotionally tied to her mother dying as well - she failed to produce a grandchild before her mother died.

    See it is incredibly complex. All I need to do to rectify it is marry her.
     
  7. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    I'm seeing issues with personal space here. Have you thought about something like setting up a basement suite in the house and moving into it? This way you get your personal space but her dad is still close by and you can still socialize.

    You also need to find a tactful way to bring up the following sentiment to your girlfriend: while you are happy to support her and her father with the decision to move in together and are thankful for the reduction in bills, you resent not having more control over your living arrangements (and whatever else is problematic). She needs to understand the underlying reasons for your drive to move out.
     
  8. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    *THEY* are hurting them, not you. By not listening to any input from you she's not letting you have a relationship.

    You will, but you shouldn't feel bad about it when the ends.
     
  9. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    Stilgar1973, go for counseling. If she won't go, then go alone. The father could be a big help with the baby. So buy a new house with a father-in-law apt. If you want to have a baby, it would be best to get married first. Still, do the counseling thing first.
     

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