SRS My Own Personal Hell

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by bitcrusher, Jun 16, 2008.

  1. bitcrusher

    bitcrusher New Member

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    I can't believe it's come to this.

    I cheated on my girlfriend.

    There, I said it. Well, wrote it. I have never told anyone.

    I can't sleep - the guilt is killing me.

    It was a one time drunk thing - with and old ex of mine.

    I was a terrible, emotionless experience.

    And now I am engaged to my girlfriend, and we are planning a wedding and I just look at her and think omg please forgive me, please forgive me, please forgive me.

    I think I need to tell her.

    We have been together for 7 years. The incident happened about 4 years ago. But our engagment seems to have brought this to horrible attention for me.

    I am kind of numb. I feel like I can't move forward until we deal with this.

    Should I tell her?
     
  2. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    Ok, so this might not be the answer you're looking for...but I dont think you need to tell her or break up with her.

    You did this 4 years ago, and never did it again, so what is telling her going to accomplish? Its going to make YOU feel better and her feel like shit. So basically, you're going to ruin your relationship so you can get rid of some guilt...I know the guilt is eating away at you, but really, telling her is just going to make it worse.

    If you really cant deal with being in a relationship with her and keeping this secret, break up with her, but DONT tell her about the cheating.
     
  3. bitcrusher

    bitcrusher New Member

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    interesting.

    i do need to purge this guilt from myself though, somehow.

    i am seeing a therapist on wednesday, and i am going to ask her what she thinks about this.

    thanks for your input.
     
  4. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    Do you have any guy friends that you trust and can hang out with?

    I agree, telling her will only turn things very bad right now.

    Is there another way you can deal with the guilt besides telling her?

    If not then your last option is to sit her down and have a heart-to-heart.
     
  5. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    And also I only meant what I posted above if you are regretful and wont do it again.

    One time with an ex isn't something worth breaking up with your fiance over, unless you really feel that you need to tell her.

    But I'm telling you what I'd tell all my close friends... you did it once, with an ex, 4 years ago, and it was drunk sex. It isn't worth killing the relationship if you really care for her. But if you really feel that you need to tell her then I wont stop you.
     
  6. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

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    Don't tell her, don't break up with her. Just know that it was a big mistake and you can eventually forgive yourself by making sure you won't do it again.
     
  7. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i so rarely feel that its ok not to tell someone about cheating, but this might be an exception. telling her will only make you feel less guilty and it will make her feel horrible. if you know this was a mistake, if you know you will never do it again and you have not done it since, then your punishment is living with the guilt (which should be better than loosing your future wife)

    but, if you still talk to this ex, feel that you might do it again, have done it on more than one occation, etc, tell her for her own sake so she can leave your ass before the wedding.
     
  8. Xin

    Xin OT Supporter

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    Personally, I'd tell her. It might sound harsh, but I couldn't live with myself knowing my marriage/engagement was built off of a lie/neglecting to admit a truth.
     
  9. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Tell her.

    The fact that the guilt is eating you up shows you know it was wrong and she deserves to know so she can decide if you are worth marrying.

    Relationships are built on trust and communication. She needs to know. She has the right to know. If her love is strong enough for you then she will work through it with you. Offer counseling for the both of you if it kills her inside.
     
  10. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    There is a saying,
    If you love something set it free.
    If it doesn't come back it was never meant to be.

    Think about it.
    You need to sit down with your woman, look at her in the eyes and say to her that what you are going to tell her is going to hurt her but it is the absolute truth.
    Tell her you love her so much that the thought of marrying her and not clearing the air is turning your life upside down.
    Tell her that the risk that she will call off the engagement or break up with you is a risk you are willing to take, a decision you are willing to accept.

    Bottom line:
    Whatever she chooses you have cleared the air and have proven yourself to be trustworthy.
     
  11. okietiger

    okietiger New Member

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    Tell her,better for her to know now then finding out later.
     
  12. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Don't tell her, its going to ruin your entire future for no good reason.


    Its like this, everyone makes mistakes. If you are truelly love her and are sorry for what you did then forgive yourself. I see it like this, you are in a good position, its like being in a bubble, and this mistake you made is like a needle, telling your gf is going to *POP* the bubble, and boy your going to fall hard after that.

    Feeling guilty is your punishment for doing this to her, but in this case you have to carry this guilt, but not forever of course, just get over it that you made a boo boo, its life you can't get a perfect score anymore, so what, just try to make the best of it on that what there is still left. You shouldn't let your entire future come crashing down just because of this incident if you can prevent it, i would do so, because losing your girl and your future over a slippery slide hopefully isn't worth it. I wouldn't tell that's for sure.
     
  13. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    This is a really tough one. I think I have to put myself in her shoes here. If my bf cheated on me, even once and it was a mistake, I think I would want to know that. Especially if we were getting married. I would be absolutely irate if I married him and then years down the road found out about it. I would never be able to trust him again and I am sure it would end badly.
    However, if he were man enough to admit what he did BEFORE we were married and told me that he could not start our marriage off with a lie, I would probably postpone the wedding and have to rebuild trust with him (if that was possible) but I think I would be less likely to leave him in that case if I was COMPLETELY sure this was a one time thing and a mistake that would NEVER happen again.
    I guess you have to be willing to lose her if you admit this to her, but seriously think about how much more it would hurt her if she found out that your marriage started off with lies and deception years down the road.
     
  14. bitcrusher

    bitcrusher New Member

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    thanks for all the input guys and gals.

    punky72, you pretty much summed up what i've been thinking.

    i can't start this thing off with a lie. i can't.
     
  15. Doog

    Doog New Member

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    The therapist is there for YOU not HER. I might be worried he/she mightpush you into admitting it. Really, everyone else has said it perfect. Don't tell her, ever.
     
  16. bitcrusher

    bitcrusher New Member

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    agreed.

    i see the therapist tomorrow, so i'll see what she says regarding this.
     
  17. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd: Good job choosing the morally right choice :bigthumb:

    Like I mentioned before. Tell her and if it crushes her offer for the both of you to get relationship counselng. A therapist can help you both grow together and get her to trust you again.
     
  18. skych

    skych New Member

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    good luck, let us know how it turns out
     
  19. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    I say this ONLY b/c he said he only did it once, 4 yrs ago, is never going to do it again and obviously feels very bad about this and knows it was wrong....

    I just dont think its "morally right" to hurt someone else just to make yourself feel better. Its just selfish. For example, he's said things like:

    "i can't start this thing off with a lie. i can't"
    "i do need to purge this guilt from myself though, somehow.""I feel like I can't move forward until we deal with this."

    I know everyone says things like "relationships are built on trust and communication" and thats true - but they ALREADY HAVE THAT and him telling her will only destroy all that for no other reason than his need to not feel guilty anymore. I mean, if he cheated, he SHOULD feel guilty - thats the punishment that goes a long with it. Trying to get rid of the guilt is almost like wanting not to be punished for it...and agian, thats selfish.
     
  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    If their relationship is strong then she will forgive him and their relationship will not be over :dunno:

    And how are we to know he'd never cheat again, because he says so?

    He should have told her years ago, the fact that years later it's still haunting him just proves it always will. She still deserves to know IMO.

    I wonder how many years he'll wait now to tell her :mamoru:
     
  21. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    And how many threads have we seen that say, "I/my SO cheated, we're going trying to work it out, what do you think?" to which most reply, "Its not going to work, trust is broken and cant be rebuilt, just move on from eachother." Then there is the group of other threads that start "I/my SO cheated, we tried to work it out, and ended up breaking up anyway." Of course, there was always the "Would you dump your SO for cheating?" and "Is cheating a dumpable offence" which always have a majority of people saying yes.

    How many couples do you know that completely get their relationship back to the way it was after finding out/being told they were cheated on? Even if its years down the road, most still eventually crumble.

    If he tells her, there's really very little chance of them staying together, so as I originally said, if he thinks he needs to tell her, he should just break up with her instead.

    Because what he says is all we have to go on, like always.

    Yes, it will always haunt him, and always will regardless of wether he tells her or not. If he does and they break up, he'll feel like shit for loosing her. If he doesnt, it will continue to haunt him. Same same, except that in the 2nd one, they're still together and she's not been hurt.


    She deserves not to get cheated on in the first place, but she doesnt deserve to be hurt and heartbroken over his stupid mistake.
     
  22. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what you are sayng and what those who also agreed "don't tell her" was the answer...I just don't agree with it. Yes, him cheating on her was wrong. Yes, he should have told her years ago. Yes, telling her now could ruin their relationship and end it....but to me she still deserves to know :dunno:

    While he might tell us all he's felt guilty for years that still doesn't make me feel any sympathy for him and what he did. I don't excuse that he was drunk and I certainly don't excuse that it was an ex girlfriend and not some mindless fling he met one night. However, I don't understand your rationale when you say if he wants to tell her he might as well dump her.

    They've been together for years. I've known of couples who had been together years and worked through a cheating. This is why I kept suggesting if she did want to work through it they could see a counselor together.

    If he never says anything to her and they get married he might still be haunted by it. I'd rather he come clean BEFORE the marriage so she can choose if she'd like to marry him.

    Again, this could just be my thinking, but I'd hate being with someone who was constantly feeling guilty for cheating on me years before. For all we know she could eventually find out later and be hurt that he never had the balls to tell her hmself.
     
  23. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    :werd: Well spoken :bigthumb:
     
  24. Cumstang02

    Cumstang02 New Member

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    Is it in yet?
    You think you'd want to know, but you wouldn't. It was a mistake made and should be left in the past.

    He could be using this as a reason to get out of a relationship that has suddenly gotten very serious.
     
  25. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    I agree with the not telling her (now) because it would destroy her. That said, if you cannot go on without telling her, then telling her is better than breaking up with her.

    But think about things. What good would telling her do? It would make you feel better and her feel like shit. If you love her, you won't do that. It's a long time in the past, and so long as you would never ever do it again, the issue is mostly over
     

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