and I'm a substance abuser with mental illness issues, and I have five days clean today. I just wanted to introduce myself and give a little background. I've been in and out of 12 step programs since I was 17. So I'm not unfamiliar with them. I've come back to them this time around, because I've tried everything else, and this is the only thing that has helped in the past. I have misgivings about this. I've only started going to meetings to get certain people off my back about my addictions. But honestly, I'm hoping that something will click this time. I'm doing my step work, attending meetings once a week, in outpatient rehab, psych team compliant (with my meds especially), got a online sponsor... I struggle a lot. My history gives me 30 days clean, then I use. A 30 day never ending cycle that I've got 25 days to beat this time around. Taking it one day at a time. But I'm scared that I'll keep up this behavior. I get to a good place, then my mental issues kick in, and I have so much pressure in my brain, and it's automatic to use. I'm trying to learn how to stop it from happening. I'm discovering so much about myself right now too. Fitting some puzzle pieces together that make up 'me'. I'm including them on my fourth step, which I'm doing right now (and I'm enjoying the process...I thought it was supposed to be scary?). I'm strong-willed, in fact, outright stubborn. Some days I am firmly convinced that I have no problem, yet some days I can see clearly enough to recognize that I do. I'm slowly learning to get help with this. Anyway, in case you haven't noticed, I'm a chatter box online...not in real life though. But online, I love to talk. Thanks for letting me share!