SRS My Name is Bean...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Bean, Apr 29, 2005.

  1. Bean

    Bean Guest

    and I'm a substance abuser with mental illness issues, and I have five days clean today.

    I just wanted to introduce myself and give a little background.

    I've been in and out of 12 step programs since I was 17. So I'm not unfamiliar with them. I've come back to them this time around, because I've tried everything else, and this is the only thing that has helped in the past.

    I have misgivings about this. I've only started going to meetings to get certain people off my back about my addictions. But honestly, I'm hoping that something will click this time. I'm doing my step work, attending meetings once a week, in outpatient rehab, psych team compliant (with my meds especially), got a online sponsor...

    I struggle a lot. My history gives me 30 days clean, then I use. A 30 day never ending cycle that I've got 25 days to beat this time around. Taking it one day at a time. But I'm scared that I'll keep up this behavior. I get to a good place, then my mental issues kick in, and I have so much pressure in my brain, and it's automatic to use. I'm trying to learn how to stop it from happening.

    I'm discovering so much about myself right now too. Fitting some puzzle pieces together that make up 'me'. I'm including them on my fourth step, which I'm doing right now (and I'm enjoying the process...I thought it was supposed to be scary?).

    I'm strong-willed, in fact, outright stubborn. Some days I am firmly convinced that I have no problem, yet some days I can see clearly enough to recognize that I do. I'm slowly learning to get help with this.

    Anyway, in case you haven't noticed, I'm a chatter box online...not in real life though. But online, I love to talk.

    Thanks for letting me share!
     
  2. dhacmbs

    dhacmbs OT Supporter

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    hey good luck i bet its real hard
     
  3. karmastang

    karmastang New Member

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    Hi Bean. Just hang in there. Keep going to meetings and get involved. Don't hang with your old "friends". Get a sponsor and study the book. Pray if you can. And keep coming back. We need you.
     
  4. Bean

    Bean Guest

    I'm going to meetings now (I didn't go for about a year), I'm a loner, so I don't have that many friends to begin with, and none of them are users. Got a sponsor, though she's internet, and I need a local one. I pray. And I do keep coming back, despite myself.

    But, at what point will I 'get it'?
     
  5. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    Get a same-gender sponsor in real life, yeah. I also think you should try to hit up 90 meetings in 90 days. Latch onto some people and just follow them around. Don't worry about if they don't want to hang out or whatever. Just tag along anyways, trust me. Find out what people do, get people's phone numbers, and just communicate. A closed mouth doesn't get fed. If you speak up and just talk to people before or after the meeting, you will find your answers.
     
  6. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    I have to agree with nukegoat, the more meeting you attend, and the more vocal you are, the faster you will 'get it.'
     
  7. Bean

    Bean Guest

    lol, she is a same gender sponsor. But yeah, I need to get a face to face one.

    The rest of that is gonna take time. Not that I don't want it, but my mental health issues tend to get in the way of anything 'rushed' like that. Atypical autistics do not do well in social settings, especially ones where a requirement is needed. Dunno how to explain that, except to say google atypical autism. For me to make 90 meetings in 90 days would require a team of people that I just don't have the resources for right now. Not to mention, that I would prefer to do this as independantly as possible. (Mental health independant wise).
     
  8. Bean

    Bean Guest

    Oh man,

    I'm going to a recovery retreat this coming weekend for three days. I'm feeling apprehensive about it, because a)there will be a lot of people b)I will not have my 'safe' person with me (so if I start having an episode...), c) they are all strangers and d) it is out of the country.

    What have I gotten myself into?
     
  9. eligh

    eligh Go To A Meeting

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    You will grow from the experience. I put myself in a variety of social situations that I ultimately did not want to be in, and were a bit painful at the time, but I have definitely grown from them. The only way to continue growing is to continue stepping out of my comfort zone even though I don't want to.
     

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