SRS My mom's kinda crazy, and I don't know what to do

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Alt+F4, Jun 18, 2009.

  1. Alt+F4

    Alt+F4 official OT hockey stud

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    So I'll try to make this short. I'll likely fail.

    I'm 29, married with a 3 year old.

    My mom was a great mom until I was about 15. Then she cheated on my dad with two diff guys when I was in Jr High and HS. My parents were on the outs when I left for college, and divorced by the time I came back. Throughout this whole time, my sister and I grew VERY close to my dad, who is the greatest man ever and the perfect father, and a real victim in this. We used to hear him cry at night after my mom left, and he loved the SHIT out of her until well after she moved on. She was basically a ruthless cheater who lied to all of us about her whereabouts. On top of that, she was a workaholic. All of this means that during the ages of 12-18 for my sister, and 15-21 for me, my mom was very much absent. To this day my mom disagrees, and therein lies one of the problems, that she hasn't taken responsibility for much of this.

    Fast forward to the last few years. We've forgiven my mom (sort of), and we have a so-so relationship with her. My sister kinda hates her because she basically had no mom during her teenage years, which is rough for a girl. I was lucky to have my dad and my then-gf, now-wife, whom I started dating at 17. So anyways, 2006, we have a child, and my mom wants to be an involved grandmother. We used to have her babysit a lot, and it was a great help. Then one new year's eve she admitted that she drank some wine while my son was sleeping and she was babysitting him alone. The next morning she went to change his diaper, and she smacked his head on the changing table so hard that he had paint in his hair. Fast forward another year...my son is 2 and walking. He follows her up the stairs (she thought he stayed down below, but wasn't paying attention), and he slipped and fell all the way down the stairs and smacked his head on the granite tile. Luckily, no damage. But we were home, and that was the worst scream I've ever heard from my son. That was over a year ago, and we have not let her babysit him since. We just can't trust her. She's starting to realize that it's been a long time, and she's going nuts. She harasses us about seeing him, and she goes to my dad's house (despite their divorce) to cry about how we don't have a good relationship with her. In her words, just this morning: "I fucked up ten years ago, and now they won't let me see him, they won't let me babysit, and I don't know what I DID! I can't continue like this!"

    We do see her on occasion (mother's day, birthdays, holidays, the random saturday when we feel like being nice), but she just is NOT in our support system, and we don't need her on a daily basis. My dad and my wife's mom are amazing grandparents, and we utilize them when we need help with our son. My mom is just out of that picture, and she can't handle it.

    To make matters worse, my dad paid her half of the house (nearly $100k), which she promptly blew. What she has left over is a 1996 Civic (haha) and a double-wide, which she inexplicably purchased 25 minutes away from my house (and her grandson that she claims to want to see). She has a shitty job, only a few friends, no money, and her kids (us) could give a shit about all of it.

    My sister and I have said that it would be better if she just moved away. She's miserable to be around, even though we have an awkward cordial relationship in person, the fact that we only see her once a month is the elephant in the corner every time. My dad said earlier today that we need to sit down and talk with her. But how do you sit down with your mother, who raised you great until she went batshit crazy and started lying and fucking other dudes, that she will never babysit her only grandchild and that you really don't want to hang out with her that much because you think she's insane? Part of me wants to give her a blank check made out to a fucking shrink and tell her to go get help. When she got the money from my dad she did just that, and it helped. But that was also when we let her see my son. Now she only sees him sparingly, and always with our supervision.

    I have no idea what to do right now, but this is going to come to a head very soon...and though I generally subscribe to the "flight" mentality, I'm not sure how much I can ignore her pleas...

    I also have a marriage, a house, a toddler, a full-time career, a two-hour commute, and I'm going to school full time at night for my MBA. I don't have FUCKING TIME for my crazy mother...ugh...
     
  2. deadmeat

    deadmeat Active Member

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    My recommendation (it's worked for me, not to say it's healthy or right) would be to ignore her and focus that energy on my wife and toddler. They'll benefit from the attention and you'll feel those benefits.

    If she insists on asking, tell her factually why she's always supervised with the kid. If she wants to get help she'll go do it. Otherwise it'll never happen no matter what you do.
     
  3. Crawling Dead

    Crawling Dead Gz-TeRRoR

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    What is the underlining reason why you dont want her to see your son? Is it because of a few accidents that occured while he was in her care? If so, you should lighten up. You cant go around putting foam rubber on every single hard surface in your house simply because you dont want Jr. to get a boo boo. Life happens.

    However. If it is because you still feel resentment for what she did when you were a kid, then thats fine. My advice would be to drop it, but its your decision, and you feel the things you feel for a reason. So, if it is because you resent her for your childhood, then you should simply explain that to her. She knows what she did. Its not going to come to a surprise. She wont act like Rick James in that Chappelle show skit. "I....I did what? When did this happen? I dont remember that!"

    No, if you just come straight out with it, and figure out for yourself why you don want your mother around, then explain it to her, you'll be much better off.
     
  4. disley

    disley Ooooh no it isn't. Ooooh yes it is. OT Supporter

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    It can't hurt to let her visit her grandson when you're there, try and heal the rift if you can, it could lead to you having years of guilt if something happens to her.
     
  5. Sgt. Friday

    Sgt. Friday Guest

    Air it out, tell her your concerns and give her the opportunity to change, seek help and do something about it. 1 chance only. When that doesnt' happen, move on with your life.

    I'm sorry you're having to go through that mess, its unfortunate.
     
  6. weezyfbaby

    weezyfbaby New Member

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    :hsugh::hsugh::hsugh:

    I'd say falling down stairs and banging his head so hard while changing his diaper that he had paint on his head is a little more damage than just a "boo boo". If a babysitting agency did that they would be sued immediately, shit like that is just unacceptable and you have no idea the damage it could cause down the road since the kid is so young. Definitely do not let her do that again.
     
  7. Alt+F4

    Alt+F4 official OT hockey stud

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    As much as my sister and I say that we just want her out of our lives, that's would be the easy out. And since it'll never happen, I think I truly want to find a way to heal it. I don't *need* her in my life (for support, for a babysitter, for anything), but I do understand that she's my mom, she wants to be in our lives, and she's not going away. That said, I just don't know how to resolve this without coming out and telling her that "You left us in our teens, so we emotionally wrote you off, and that can't be un-done even though you want to be back in."

    My reasons for not letting her sit are sort of "all of the above". She is irresponsible when she watches him (aside the from the stories above, she's done minor things like given him coffee when he was one year old and openly defied us about things like bedtime and whatnot). She is emotionally unstable, and my wife and I just can't trust that she's not going to take out her angst on him if they're alone. It's not that she's a bad PERSON, but spending time with her is like taking a bum out to a nice dinner. You just don't know what you're going to get. Maybe he'll be cordial and pleasant, maybe he'll strip naked and flip the table over. My mom is the same way. You never know if she'll be 100% normal, or if she's having a bad day, the slightest comment by someone will make her cry and storm out of my house. She's emotionally fractured, and my fucking AWESOME two-year-old doesn't need to be exposed to that shit.

    Again, I want to resolve this, if only because I have enough stress in my life without knowing that she's crying about us every damn day. It'll never be resolved to her satisfaction, because we refuse to bring her back into the babysitting pool, but I don't want to outright tell her to fuck off and have her go off an kill herself. It's selfish, but I care more about what her suicide would do to me and my family than I care about her being around. That's just the way it is, and I can't really apologize for that. I just have zero emotional connection to her as a mom.

    Someone asked above why I'm so mad. I'm not really MAD anymore, I just don't care about her. When she freaked out and slept around on my dad (then blamed him, even though he's the greatest man I've ever known, which made us hate her), we all grew apart from her. She detatched herself from our family and did her own thing for a few years. Now that she's trying to come back, none of us need her. She wasn't there for us in our teens, and while I've forgiven her for the deeds she's done, I truly feel like I don't have a mom, nor do I need one. I have a tremendous support system between my dad, mom-in-law, my sister, and our friends. We truly just don't emotionally connect with my mom anymore, and it's like she's an acquaintance to us. And now that she's an emotional wreck and wants to be a big part of our lives, we've moved on and don't need her anymore.

    Does any of this make sense? Sorry for the rambling. I just want my mom to be normal, because appeasing her so she doesn't kill herself is no way to live a life.
     
  8. Alt+F4

    Alt+F4 official OT hockey stud

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    That's kind of how I'm approaching this. We're getting together this weekend (me, my wife, my son, and her) to go to some festival. We try to do this every so often. Not because we want to, but because we are trying to appease her so she doesn't put a gun in her mouth. I don't want to know what I would feel like if she did that, so I'm handling her with kid gloves to she doesn't. But it sucks to live like that.
     
  9. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    What's wrong with just telling her what your concerns are and why you feel the way you do? Maybe you could just appease her and let him see her a little more often with your supervision of course.
     
  10. Alt+F4

    Alt+F4 official OT hockey stud

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    I'm just afraid that if we come out and tell her "You'll never babysit him, here's why" that she's going to freak out and kill herself. She even got a license plate that says something like "TJSGRMA" or something (son's name is TJ).

    I can try to be as nice about it as I can, but as soon as I say "never. watch. him. alone", she'll be done with her life. And I don't want that hanging over my head.

    I think what I'm going to do now is ask her to go back to her shrink. I don't want to have these serious, life-altering conversations with her when she's so emotionally unstable. I think it's a valid request. Hell, maybe it would be ok to go with her and use the shrink as a mediator.

    Sigh...more time wasted that I should be spending with my real friends, family, and son...
     
  11. Alt+F4

    Alt+F4 official OT hockey stud

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    I also suck at confrontation, and hate seeing her cry. She goes all batty and rocks back and forth and shit. She's mental.

    I never would, but I kinda just want to air my grievances via e-mail...heh...
     
  12. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    Right! You NEED to tell her exactly what is going on. Right now you are allowing her to create her own reality - which is you kids can't forget how she let you down. She also believes that it was so long ago that those feelings should have long-expired (since they have for her). You also need to be fair, and explain your concerns regarding your child and his general safety around her. Don't just have this conversation on the fly either, you and your wife need to sit down and write down EVERYTHING (no matter how small the detail may be). I would also talk to your sister regarding your "list" when it is complete. Be VERY specific with your sister to, you may find there are other things neither of you has voiced as of yet (e.g., if she is like this with your child, maybe something happened with you guys when you were younger).

    DO NOT GIVE INTO YOUR DESIRE FOR "FLIGHT"! You would not exist is it was not for her, she by default has earned your honestly and forthright responses to her questions that she cries to your father.
     
  13. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    well if shes mental i definetly would not let her watch my kid alone...
     
  14. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    are you fucking kidding me? earned honesty and forthright responses? bahahahhahah DUDE she has "earned" the exact opposite of that. shes not his mother, she is his birth provider. his mom abandoned his family. a real loving mom would not do that to her family :ugh2:







    :ugh2:
     
  15. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    I agree with your previous statement on not letting her see the kid alone; however, she needs to know why!

    What exactly would you suggest?
     
  16. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    Well maybe you don't have to say that she will never watch him alone again but maybe give her the impression that she can earn your trust back and there is hope. I don't want you to necessarily lie to her but you never know, people can change for the better. If not at least she has a reason to try to get better and you can bring up her going to therapy.

    Yeah that is kind of crazy but I don't think email would be the way to go here. It's so impersonal and to her she still is your mom so she probably thinks she deserves more than that even if she doesn't.
     
  17. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    i was just arguing the point you were making about how she deserves honesty etc and saying she technically only deserves shit in a bag...

    its up to the threadstarter what he wants to do ... i would cut that lady out of my life if it were me in his shoes... but its also hard because thats his kids grandma .... but if grandma is a piece of shit *shrug*
     
  18. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    i guess you can sit down and explain why shes a piece of shit then move on
     
  19. disley

    disley Ooooh no it isn't. Ooooh yes it is. OT Supporter

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    You can't hold grudges for something that happened so long ago.
    You're right to be concerned for her capacity to care for the child alone. A bit at a time, take it slowly, she doesn't need to be alone with him, and he'll be running around soon and not dependent on an adult as much.
    You must come to terms with the hurt she caused you as a teen, I know it's hard, but families aren't perfect, sometimes it's the kids and sometimes it's the parents that mess up.
    Don't isolate her, plenty parents are divorced, you have to make the best of it, and let your son grow up knowing his Grandma, he won't judge her harshly.
     
  20. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    I don't think it will matter if they explain to her why she can't see her grandson; she's already demonstrated an impressive capacity to revise history in her head, so whatever they tell her will probably just get filed in that dark corner of her mind and forgotten about.

    That being said, if it's written down on paper, she can't just ignore it unless she also wants to shred the paper. But at least then you can just keep handing her copies every time she asks.
     
  21. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Honestly it doesn't sound like she's worth the trouble. Sometimes people NEED to be isolated, completely and totally alone with themselves and their character flaws, before they'll do anything to fix the problem. Ask me how I know.
     
  22. disley

    disley Ooooh no it isn't. Ooooh yes it is. OT Supporter

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    She's a bit crazy, the rest of the family know it, and will make allowances, who the hell has a perfect family?
    You don't need to trust her to be alone with your son, but you do need to forgive her for what she did to you and your sister, for your own sake.
    You'll be carrying the pain from your teens, and then guilt if anything happens to her.
    You don't have to invite her to live with you, only to let her know she's not been abandoned.
     
  23. OniMinion

    OniMinion ...recalls when this forum was actually about cars OT Supporter

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    Yeah, I guess that is pretty much what my whole first response was saying as well...
    :bowdown:
     
  24. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    i would say to just wait till your son is old enough to let her see him. By old enough, I mean when he reaches an age where he can care for himself without supervision. Or just move a few thousand miles away :eek3:
     
  25. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    she'll just move her trailer after them
     

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