SRS My mom...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Timdog, Jun 3, 2006.

  1. Timdog

    Timdog New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2005
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    0
    I really don't know what to do right now.

    First of all, let me say that I really do love my mom. She takes care of me when I'm sick, gives me rides, and does love me. She has been supportive of me in school, but that seems to be about it.

    But I am reallly sick of her right now. She is constantly negative. She calls everyone idiots and everything stupid. I know why she does this, her childhood was very shitty and she never was really helped. She has learning disabilities and a speaking problem, which I have somewhat inherited.
    She is very pessimistic about everyone. If I ever say something about how one of my friends or someone else is trying toa chieve this certain goal, she sort of treats it like they won't ever make it. I know this is because her parents never really gave her any kind of support and were always down on her. But can't she realize that things are different in the real world? Whjenever I say I'm going to try something or try reaching a goal, she always has a very negative attitude about it.

    Now, usually I keep my anger bottled up inside when I'm talking to her, but today was different. Usually, I end up blowing up on my friends for petty little things, bbecause I have no other way to release anger.

    But today, I just snapped. She called my dad and I "idiots" again for making a tiny little mistake about putting away some food. She then muttered how she should just "Leave, and move on." Then I simply just yelled at her that she should "LEAVE, if that's how you really feel!" Everyone got silent, but I knew I had hurt her. I think she was crying later.

    The thing is, I want to make amends with her, but I really don't know how to bring this topic up with her. First, I want to fix the damage that has been done. There's no way I can live in this house with here being so upset with me.

    I have brought her negativity up before, but she just gets all depressed and starts crying and yelling at me. Then I feel guilt, say I'm sorry, and we go on. But I know I need to do something about this. Her negativity is transfering into my life because I'm around her so much that a lot of times my instant reactions to things are negative because I've been conditioned to think like that.


    BTW, I'm 16, so getting out of the house is not an option for another 2 years.
     
  2. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2006
    Messages:
    46,930
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dallas, Texas
    Well, it's possible to get emancipated at 17, though difficult without a lawyer's help. But that should be treated as an extreme last resort.


    To be honest, I think you might be able to use your upsetting her to your advantage. Try to get a serious talk going with her - Explain that how she felt when you snapped back is how she makes you guys feel constantly. Explain to her that her constant negativity and judging hurts you.
     
  3. Timdog

    Timdog New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2005
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    0
    Well, she didn't appear to be really affected by that confrontation at all. She was talking to me like usual in a few hours.

    I'm not gonna leave home right now. I have college ahead of me and I'll most likely be going to a pretty good one and will definately need my parents to help pay for it. :hsd: I'm not gonna sacrifice my entire future just to get away from my negative mom. TBH, after thinking for awhile, I don't think she really means to be so negative. I think it comes from her poor education and never having her speech problem fixed. Her parents also weren't exactly the best educated people in the world. I really do like my grandfather because he likes to joke around and doesn't really care about things that much. But both of them have a very hard time communicating with other people and I think that transferred to my mom. She just uses "idiot" and "stupid" as general terms and I don't think she realizes how harsh those can be to a person.

    I will try confronting her later, but I have a fever right now and wouldn't be able to concentrate well enough to really think about what I'm saying.
     
  4. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2002
    Messages:
    1,941
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Iron City
  5. The Militant

    The Militant THE FUTURE

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2004
    Messages:
    8,722
    Likes Received:
    0
    I can relate but you know she loves you
    when im told i cant do somthing its motivation
    i tell her i feel somtimes and for that she says i have no heart or respect and in return im being sent to some boot camp this summer. not dreading it though. its a challenge and im gonna shit on it :)
     
  6. Timdog

    Timdog New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2005
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    0
    The problem is that sometimes when I say I want to do something, it a lot of times requires their signature on something or their consent since I'm still a minor. So they have the power.

    Luckily, my dad can usually talk her into it.

    I know she does love me a lot, but the negativity really doesn't help. :hs:
     
  7. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    Honestly, I wouldn't worry about your mother crying over what you said. It's a safe bet she realized she'd had an ass-chewing coming, what with all the smack she talks about other people (as you claim, anyway). The bigger problem is...why is she so negative? She must be venting her own frustration, but venting it at people who are "safe", so to speak. So it could very well be that she has some long-standing issue that she feels like she can't deal with or else she'll get screwed big-time.

    My relationship with my mother got a lot better when I stopped holding back what I felt. Once the initial anger all got vented and she knew how I'd felt about various things in our past, the honesty (to and from both of us) made the relationship a lot healthier.
     
  8. PoliticalPirate

    PoliticalPirate New Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2006
    Messages:
    106
    Likes Received:
    0
    Your an impressive kid for having to live with that. I think you should mention to your mother that you have problems too, that you "end up blowing up on my friends for petty little things," and maybe the two of you together can become better people. If that fails, I'm thinking your mother is just a bad apple, they are out there and someone has them as a mother, guess that might be you. Just make the best of it, ignoring her is probably the safest and easiest bet.

    You really should apologize to your friends that you 'expolded' on.
     
  9. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2006
    Messages:
    4,537
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cary, NC
    I moved out at 17 because my mom was a negative bitch. She puts down my dad, me, my brother everyone. Yet will cycle through periods of having favorites. It's BS if you ask me.

    In your situation though.. Go easy on your mom. Destroying my relationship with my family is one of my biggest regrets to this day. I'm sure life is hard on your mom due to her learning disablities and the like, but try to understand and accept her. Maybe go to family counseling if she can't handle one-on-one discussions about how you feel. :dunno: Just don't give up. :hs:
     
  10. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2005
    Messages:
    19,712
    Likes Received:
    0
    It's called codependence. She goes through cycles of having favorites because you each take turns satisfying her emotional needs, evidence of which she then uses to guilt-trip everybody else. My mother was the same way; the threat of an imminent divorce got that shit cleaned up right quick.
     
  11. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2000
    Messages:
    20,066
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    I too grew up with a very negative parent, my father. Part of it was issues in his own family and the other part was being bitter for fathering a child (me) later in life :hs: (I was a surprise :o ) I know the anger, hurt and frustration that comes with living with a parent like this. Unfortunately once a parent (or anyone) has lived like this for so long, it's very difficult to get them to change their ways. Sometimes they never change or, sadly, as with my dad, it took being diagnosed with a terminal illnees to get him to see how many years he wasted being mad at the world :hs: We talked things out and said the things we wanted to say before he left us, however the anger and hurt still lived on in me for many years afterward.

    My suggestion would be to try to talk to your mom and let you know how you feel when she is like this. She may be receptive, she may not be. If she doesn't want to make efforts to change, then get involved in something that keeps you busy or away from her....get a job, delve into a hobby, find a group of friends to spend time with at places other than your house. Most important find people who will support you and build you up. I know it sounds like running away from the problem, but if she won't change, you need to get out for a bit to be around her negativity less. When I was in high school I got involved in my horse riding club/4H and when I wasn't doing that I was playing volleyball or working. Then when I got a car I found any excuse to get out of the house :hs:

    If anything good can come out of your situation, it can serve as a life lesson on what NOT to allow yourself to become how NOT to treat others, especially your own children.
     
  12. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    [If anything good can come out of your situation, it can serve as a life lesson on what NOT to allow yourself to become how NOT to treat others, especially your own children.[/quote]

    :bowdown: Wiser words were never spoken.
     
  13. Fiya

    Fiya Guest

    Maybe you should write your mom a letter and tell her how you really feel. You can decide to rewrite it if it comes off too mean or something, it will give you the option to gather your thoughts and present them to her in a positive way.

    A lot of what you said in your first post would attribute nicely in the letter, if you just rearrange some words. (i.e. First of all, let me say that I really do love YOU mom. YOU takes care of me when I'm sick, give me rides, and I know YOU love me. YOU have been supportive of me in school, but that seems to be about it....) I would go on to tell her about how she is mostly negative and how that brings you down a lot.

    The best thing to do is keep it 'from the heart.' She may get upset that you feel that way at first, but most people when confronted with their own flaws in a positive way end up realizing they need to make some changes.

    Just an idea :hs:
     

Share This Page