It happened again today. Another blowup. This time I could’ve gone to Juvie. I got really angry at a teacher. It was a seemingly little thing, but if you got to know me, and the thoughts that have been on my mind recently, you’d understand. Let me explain myself. Hi. I’m bnfmsgek. I’m from a little town in Iowa on the border of the Mighty Mississippi. I’m 14 and just love the computer. By law, I’m mentally disabled, but don’t let that fool you. I’m a bright child- I got 98% on my national standardized tests (ITBS, for those who want to know). I have OCD and ADHD – a deadly combination. Normally I’m fine, but when I get mad, I get REALLY mad. For example, in first grade I through a chair at a teacher. In kindergarten I used to hide under desks. I’m also a little slower than most kids. I know the stuff and I learn fast its just that it takes longer to do my work – according to U of I 30% longer – which causes me to not quite fit in the system. I could take the slower class, be bored, not learn much but get the work done, or I could be in the standard class, learn a lot, but not get my work done. This seems to cause a lot of trouble. Lately, I’ve been taking a look at my life, and realizing just how pathetic it is. Not that I’m depressed or anything – I mean I’m one of the more well-liked kids in school. Its just that lately my life seems to be unfulfilling. I get up every morning, go to school, come home, get on the computer, watch TV, eat got to bed and do the exact same thing the next day. My life seems to be missing excitement. Not that living in Iowa helps. Nothing exciting ever seems to happen in Iowa. All that’s here are corn and pigs. It’s very depressing. I want to be in a big city- Chicago, New York, or LA! All that excitement, all the buzz. I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to act. I mean, not only do I have the talent- I can portray almost any emotion on-the-spot, so real that it freaks people out, plus I’m the only one in my class that does readers theater with ANY emotion – but it would solve a lot of my problems. Acting is exciting work, you get to learn to do all sorts of things, go all sorts of places, but it also means that I could get the personalized attention to education I need. It pays good, you get lots of attention, - hell, I love the actors lifestyle. When I say “actor” I mean movie actor – professional acting. Not high school stage acting or other stage acting – I tried that and decided I didn’t like it – but film acting. Recently I’ve been idoling Josh Hutcherson. He’s the older kid (Walter) in Zathura, Carl in RV, Jesse in Bridge to Terabithia, and Gabe in Little Manhattan (a good movie, though its kinda sad), ect. Not only is he a really good actor, but he’s kinda hot (Did I mention I was gay? Sorry about that). I want to be like him. I want to be an actor of his popularity. And I know I can do it. My parents don’t really think I can do it. They say it’s a great dream but remind me that the likelihood of that ever happening are slim. Even if they did support me, we could never find the kind of money to support that. I mean we’re not poor, but sometimes we are barely getting by. I live in a nice house and nice things and all, but supporting a dream like that is expensive. First you got to hire an agent (the closest place to do that around here is Chicago – 3 hours away), then they bring in an acting coach for a workshop. If he thinks I’m good enough, he’ll say we have to go to LA for pilot season. Then we got to get plane tickets to LA, plus accommodations, and well, it all adds up. Plus by the time I’ll finally get successful, I won’t be a kid anymore and that’s what I want to be – a kid actor. It gives me a feeling that my dreams are just out of reach, so close I can almost reach them and its killing me. There is one teacher that really supports me – which brings me back to the top. I was looking forward to talking to her about all this, like I normally do (It’s a resource class- like a study hall, but smaller). She kept pestering me to do my missing assignment. I finally blew up, started yelling, and kicked a recycle bin. When the dean of students came I went to a corner, grabbed a shelf and held it in front of me, as if to defend myself. I refused to leave, he called in the principal. When he finally got down, I gave up and went down to the office where I cried for the rest of the day (It was the last period). My parents reminded my I could have gone to Juvie, which dashes all chances of me ever doing anything. They could lose there jobs, and I could be even lower than I am today. Once you get in the system,you stay in the system. Everyone’s afraid of me when I get in these fits. I must say, I’m even afraid of my self some times. I guess all I have to say for myself is God works in mysterious ways. ---- This is all true and happenned to me today. If this gets popular, and I think its neccessary, I'll start a blog, and/or a vlog or a podcast. Please don't hurt me because i'm already pretty low on self-esteem and I really need support. UPDATE: I added those long-awaited paragraph breaks.