ug where to begin I just feel horrible like my life is spiraling downward and out of my control. I'm not motivated to do anything anymore. An hour ago i found myself staring at my ceiling with an ungodly amount of homework sitting next to me its 2 am and i still havn't started. I just have to many things going through my mind at the moment, which is why im making this post i suppose to help me sort out my thoughts. As of a few months ago i was fine and cool not a nervous reck at all, i had found a new circle of freinds to hang out with play some poker and all that good stuff. My last circle of freinds wasnt very nice to me and started getting pretty heavy into drugs, alcohol, and vandalism which is something i really dont wanna be a part of at all. This year i became vice president of my class (my freind talked me into it but this was very hard for me to do) but since ive noticed a popularity spike, and im nolonger the butt of so many jokes (im overweight and very sensitive about it), and as of last year i lost alot of weight around 25 pounds and that helped me boost my confidence a little (still overweight just not by to much). But recently it seems my world is crashing down upon me. Prom is coming up soon and ordinarilly i would just stay home and skip it, but because of this lady who is my student councel advisor (who absolutly hates me for reasons i do not want to go into) is basicly making me go or kicking me off my vice presidency (she has been looking for a reason to oust me all year and has threatned to have me removed before). So now im thrown into a sea of problems like finding a date making sure my freinds are going dealing with my parents. I barly talk to girls, but i managed to secure a date with a very attractive, very nice, and smart (like top 5 in the class) girl. I am so freaking lucky about that one. But even though she said yes to me im not sure if she said yes because she though noone else would have asked her or because she actually likes me. Since i asked her i haven't spoken a word to her or even made eye contact, because im to scared. That was 3 weeks ago, and every day i just feel worst and worst because im such a pussy. Now my new freinds are starting to get into drinking and some of them are smoking pot, but they are the best freinds ive had all my life, and i dont wanna alienate myself and be left out while their off having fun witout me. On one hand i alienate myself from my new freinds by not hanging out with them, and on the other hand i compromise my morals. Now as a way of clearing out my head about prom and my new freinds, also to lose a little more wait because im starting to feel a little more self concious of my weight again, i picked up running and i manage a little under 2 miles a day (i must admit i was a little inspired by ot fittness here). but the other day i was going my normal routin and i run into a group of kids who start pointing at laughing at me yelling out hey fatty, at first i just gave a quick middle finger yelled back at them fuck you shook it off and was on my way with my run. But later i started thinking, is this how other people see me as just some fat kid. this must be how people i know perceive me as well. Now im less motivated to run because now i always see other people eyeballing me, judging me. My Parents are now also getting increasingly on my back. They give me zero credit. I have done good in school all my life (i have been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD i forget right now and had an uphill battle with my education and worked my way out of remedial classes into honers classes). Never touched a ciggeratte even though i was offered plenty of times. I have only ever drunk once but it wasnt even to the point of excess. the worst thing i have ever done was have my brother buy me 50 dollars worth of fireworks they took them away from me. but i specifically remember before that my brother (when he was even younger than me) had a whole bunch of even more powerful fireworks and my parents didnt give a shit. I cant hold a conversation with them without my mom just happening to mention a dramatic story about the dangers of smoking or why i shouldnt drink and drive, but she hides it by trying to make it sound like it happend to a freind of her or a freinds son. i havnt done anything to diserve this kind of treatment from them. And recently ive been having thoughts of suicide, as an easy out. I've had these thouhts before years ago but finding jesus helped me out back then, but now whenever im in a bad emotional state the thought always pops in the back of my mind and i just focus on it. these thoughts are kind of what prompted me to write all this. i suppose i should get back to my homework now.