SRS My life is a dead end

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Cyborg Ninja, Sep 15, 2006.

  1. Cyborg Ninja

    Cyborg Ninja New Member

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    At the moment, I'm 21, female, and it seems like my life is inevitably cursed. I have no friends, never really did except one now and then. I think people think of me as awkward, or I just have nothing in common with them. I'm not particularly talkative. I'm not emotional and peppy, but I am friendly. Being a lesbian it's kind of hard to find like-minded women. I've met a few other lesbians in town and they are very clique-ish and have spread rumors about me (and everyone else for that matter).

    I have no job. I was going to school for a while but two years ago my mom died. She was my best friend, and I'm still torn apart about her death. I wasn't even there when she died. She was in the hospital for a month and I left her to try to go back to school because I didn't think she could possibly die, even though she had terminal cirrhosis. I don't know what I was thinking. The last time I saw her she had a seizure. I saw her waste away. I feel angry at myself, and this college, and her doctors, for everything that happened.

    During this time I've also been sick with perhaps the worst case of hyperthyroidism on the planet. I couldn't stand up for more than 5 minutes without nearly fainting. I'd have to lay down, exhausted, right after taking a shower. It was so difficult to find the energy to do anything. I'm getting treated for it now and thankfully I no longer have heart palpitations and it is under control. Unfortunately, I had appendicitis in December and had to get surgery, and they found that I have Crohn's Disease. It's about as advanced as it can be. I have to get more surgery. And fighting the disease has weakened my body a lot and now I'm just weak... it's just that my heart doesn't flutter and beat through my chest anymore. I'm just malnourished and constantly like fighting an infection. I have no energy. If I wasn't depressed already I sure am depressed now.

    I tried going to class during all that time but I only really passed one class. For two whole years. So I'm supposed to be trying to get a medical withdrawal but I just don't want to even look at the paperwork. It sickens me. I don't want to open my private life to these school officials (even though I am open about it here). I don't want them to judge me. And because I went to the campus health center, I'm afraid they're going to think I'm a drug addict because I went to a doctor there and told her that I had a lot of pain (and she did nothing except scold me). My doctors at that time were pretty terrible and weren't doing their jobs. They ignored me when I told them I had pain, and they didn't bother running blood tests, one even ignored my Crohn's diagnosis and tried to look for a differential by trying to get me to have a pelvic exam. Ugh. Nothing ever seems to go right.

    So I need to get this medical withdrawal paperwork filled out (by me and by my new GI and endo), and I am thinking of going on anti-depression meds. I don't know if anti-depression meds even work. All I ever hear from people is how they make you feel numb. I don't know if I already feel numb right now or if I am sad. I'm rather empty. I have no job, I have no car, and no one in my family knows about my school situation. I lie to them. They don't care about my health. They think I can just get up and do whatever they are able to do but I can't. I just physically can't. Just walking across campus is exhausting for me. I want to be independent. I don't want anything from anyone else. I want a job, I want to take care of myself. My apartment is in terrible shape because I don't have the energy to even clean it. I know that sounds like maybe I am just depressed and sometimes I don't know if I am this way because I'm depressed, or lazy, or ill.

    I study Japanese and programming on my own because that's what I want to do in school. I'm sad that I can't go right now because it's all I had in my life. I wish my teachers had tried to make concessions for me. I'm not like some lazy kid who got drunk and laid the night before so that's why my assignment is late. But that's how they treated me. And I didn't want to confront them. I hate confronting anyone. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for rambling on and on, but I just needed to get this off my chest somehow.
     
  2. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

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    :hug:

    I don't know how to respond to this, but just hang in there. I'm sure the treatment you are recieving now will make positive changes in your life. Hopefully it will make you become a more energetic person, which it sounds like what you need right now. You "want" to do stuff, and that's important, if you had the energy to do so, I think you could. So keep it up, keep going on with the treatments, study hard and pass your classes. If you need help, find a tutor.

    I understand that you may feel angry at yourself because you weren't there when your mother died, but you shouldn't. Things like that happen to everyone. I'm sure your mother wouldn't want you angry at yourself. You were trying to improve your life by going to school, and there is nothing wrong with that. Forgive yourself and finally move on.

    Your family cares, they probably just do not know how to react to it. My family is sorta the same way.
     
  3. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    I wouldn't call your situation a dead end, but there are many things you can do to improve the situation.

    1. Harsh, but it's time to stop blaming yourself and others about your mother, and move on and just celebrate her life and not dwell over her death.
    2. There are jobs where you are able to sit down and work, if you're studying programming I assume that would be a sitting job. Depending on what kind of programming you're doing, you can make some side cash on sitepoint.com (people looking to hire programmers for their sites.)
    3. The anti-depressants should help you. I don't have personal experience, but the word of mouth to me was that it improves your mood and doesnt numb you out.
    4. Stop lying to your fam. Tell them the truth of how life is, they may care and help out, they may not. Which ever it is, it's better they know.

    Good luck
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Imagine if you passed away instead of your mother, would you have loved to see your mother in anguish, tears and grieve for many years to come over your death? OF COURSE NOT! You would want her to be happy, and live her life to the fullest for many years to come. Your mother wants the same thing for you, to be happy and to live your life to the fullest. So instead of dying for your mother, start LIVING for her!

    I was in Exactly the same position, no friends, no job, no school diploma ,even my dad encouraged me to commit suicide. I was already busy with a rope trying to hang myself and me being in tears over my situation. The thought 'this is the easy way out' came into my head, but it sure wasn't the right way out. At that time i was so self-centered thinking how i could end my own misery, that i didn't think about how much pain my death would inflict on others.

    What you need to do is to take a step back in your life. You see you can only carry so much hay on your fork, before you collapse. You need to learn that you can't carry the world onto your shoulders, you do what you can do. You know when your life is in chaos, you need to bring it back into calmer waters. You have to be like a tree, that takes life slowly day after day, without worries and providing itself only with those basics needs to survive.

    You know every person sends out 'signals' to the outside world. If you give people the idea that your akward, then its harder to meet people. You know its wrong to lie against your own personality, but if your not strong enough to deal with the lonelyness that your lifestyle has given you. Then it might be better to be more standard so people won't reject you as much as they do now. That way you'll be more likely to get into contact with other people. However you have to understand its an investment from your side. I was also lonely, i had a vision in a dream of mine where an uncle said to me ' Listen, if you want to get into contact, then you have to step towards the people' , and i think that's true. You need to step towards people and interact if you want to make contact. And clearly you need to be on the same frequency as other people if you want a decent conversation. It might be a search like a needle in a haystack, but a person that you like that is like you IS out there for you.

    You CAN get a job, and if you where like me totally energyless, and barely motivated i suggest you goto your local job agency who can do the searching FOR you. You know you might not be able to complete your school but what's important again that you do what you can do. A simple job would be best where you wouldn't have to think too much, so you can put your mind at ease, and get your life in order. Once restored you might do some school work next to your simple job, to improve your life.

    As far as those diseases is concerned, get yourself THE BEST doctors and surgeons to deal with the diseases that you are facing with, and don't live outside of the boundries and limitations that those diseases bring with them.

    All in all, take it easy. Never look at the things that you can't do, only look at the things you can do.
     
  5. bimmer318

    bimmer318 I'm out of applesauce

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    Im really sorry to hear about your situation. You should really hang in there as it looks like life gave a lot for you to deal with. At this point I think I'd have to agree with Darketernal.

    You should probably put your school on hold and try getting to the best doctors that you can in the time being. Have you tried going back to your father and explaining everything? I know you want independency but at your age I think your father is really concerned with you and would want to help you...
     
  6. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    Cyborg Ninja, you should consider some anti-depressants as this situation is severe. Locate some major churches in your area and tell them your story and ask if they can give you some help and direction. There are those that want to help, you just need a connection.
     
  7. mattz87

    mattz87 Active Member

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    Sorry to hear about your situation. I too get that feeling sometimes, like there is no one to hang out with, etc. If you need someone to talk to im here. :)
     
  8. Cyborg Ninja

    Cyborg Ninja New Member

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    Thanks everyone for your replies. They really taught me a lot about myself and I was surprised by that. I didn't think about how my mom would want me to live and that I have been constantly bringing myself down. I have been feeling a little better the past couple of days and I hope it lasts. I hope I can finally feel secure about my future. I am thinking about going on antidepressants but I always hear mixed opinions about them. Even here I read through a couple of topics and there's no consensus. I'm afraid it would make me feel numb and I can't imagine what that would be like until I experience it for myself. I'm not that worried about side effects (get those enough on other drugs). I also feel like me going on them is a cop-out or something, like I didn't try hard enough, even though that's not true. I guess I have to see for myself what works.
     
  9. mattz87

    mattz87 Active Member

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    My sister has been on anti depressants, and to be honest I would just try and make do without. I believe they can be addictive, but I am not sure.
     

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