At the moment, I'm 21, female, and it seems like my life is inevitably cursed. I have no friends, never really did except one now and then. I think people think of me as awkward, or I just have nothing in common with them. I'm not particularly talkative. I'm not emotional and peppy, but I am friendly. Being a lesbian it's kind of hard to find like-minded women. I've met a few other lesbians in town and they are very clique-ish and have spread rumors about me (and everyone else for that matter). I have no job. I was going to school for a while but two years ago my mom died. She was my best friend, and I'm still torn apart about her death. I wasn't even there when she died. She was in the hospital for a month and I left her to try to go back to school because I didn't think she could possibly die, even though she had terminal cirrhosis. I don't know what I was thinking. The last time I saw her she had a seizure. I saw her waste away. I feel angry at myself, and this college, and her doctors, for everything that happened. During this time I've also been sick with perhaps the worst case of hyperthyroidism on the planet. I couldn't stand up for more than 5 minutes without nearly fainting. I'd have to lay down, exhausted, right after taking a shower. It was so difficult to find the energy to do anything. I'm getting treated for it now and thankfully I no longer have heart palpitations and it is under control. Unfortunately, I had appendicitis in December and had to get surgery, and they found that I have Crohn's Disease. It's about as advanced as it can be. I have to get more surgery. And fighting the disease has weakened my body a lot and now I'm just weak... it's just that my heart doesn't flutter and beat through my chest anymore. I'm just malnourished and constantly like fighting an infection. I have no energy. If I wasn't depressed already I sure am depressed now. I tried going to class during all that time but I only really passed one class. For two whole years. So I'm supposed to be trying to get a medical withdrawal but I just don't want to even look at the paperwork. It sickens me. I don't want to open my private life to these school officials (even though I am open about it here). I don't want them to judge me. And because I went to the campus health center, I'm afraid they're going to think I'm a drug addict because I went to a doctor there and told her that I had a lot of pain (and she did nothing except scold me). My doctors at that time were pretty terrible and weren't doing their jobs. They ignored me when I told them I had pain, and they didn't bother running blood tests, one even ignored my Crohn's diagnosis and tried to look for a differential by trying to get me to have a pelvic exam. Ugh. Nothing ever seems to go right. So I need to get this medical withdrawal paperwork filled out (by me and by my new GI and endo), and I am thinking of going on anti-depression meds. I don't know if anti-depression meds even work. All I ever hear from people is how they make you feel numb. I don't know if I already feel numb right now or if I am sad. I'm rather empty. I have no job, I have no car, and no one in my family knows about my school situation. I lie to them. They don't care about my health. They think I can just get up and do whatever they are able to do but I can't. I just physically can't. Just walking across campus is exhausting for me. I want to be independent. I don't want anything from anyone else. I want a job, I want to take care of myself. My apartment is in terrible shape because I don't have the energy to even clean it. I know that sounds like maybe I am just depressed and sometimes I don't know if I am this way because I'm depressed, or lazy, or ill. I study Japanese and programming on my own because that's what I want to do in school. I'm sad that I can't go right now because it's all I had in my life. I wish my teachers had tried to make concessions for me. I'm not like some lazy kid who got drunk and laid the night before so that's why my assignment is late. But that's how they treated me. And I didn't want to confront them. I hate confronting anyone. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for rambling on and on, but I just needed to get this off my chest somehow.