SRS My good attitude has faded away

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by schmitty101, Jan 10, 2010.

  1. schmitty101

    schmitty101 You might remember me from such films as "Dig your

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    So after having an upbeat attitude over the last 6 months, I'm back to being depressed and angry. Mostly I'm angry at the fact that really not much has changed for me over the last 6 months. I still live at home, I still hate my family and argue with my dumbass parents almost every day, I still have no friends, I still struggle with functioning normally in social settings, I still can't find a job, I still miss my ex girlfriend from 8 months ago, I'm still angry with the fact that I missed out on everything in HS. I sit around I wonder about what happened to all the people I knew in HS and what they are doing now. Are they all sitting in their rooms at their parents house living a sheltered and pathetic existence? I doubt it. Sometimes I surf facebook and I see that most of them are out in the world doing cool things. It makes me feel very behind in life and that really brings me down. I can't help but feel that my extreme anxiety disorder robbed me of my HS experience and stunted my mental growth. I had no friends then, no prom, very few parties and I made a jackass out of myself at a handful of those, no girlfriends. Basically I made no good memories. It's like I lack substance or something. I still feel like a little kid inside. It makes me sick. The worst part about it all is that even if I decided to make a drastic change and suddenlty just up and went to California or something, I would end up living a total garbage life or I would just end up coming back home. It's like WWII going on inside my head. I struggle with my mentality every day. I feel like I have a very skewed sense of reality. I approach situations with these preconceived notions of how I should act. I imagine myself as someone that I once knew and I try to handle the situation as I imagine that person would handle it. Then when the situation is over I'm always like "wtf was I thinking? Why can't I just be myself?" It's so god damn frustrating because I truly can't help it.

    Not to blame others, but I strongly feel that my family as well as my extended family has contributed greatly to my mental problems. They are all older than me and they all treat me like i'm a special ed kid. Every fucking holiday and get together we have I usually just sit their quietly because they all fucking treat me like that and I hate it. Eventually after some drinking they all start talking about me and start psychoanalyzing me even though they know I hate it. It's like they are using me as a base to make themselves feel more normal. They won't just let me sit there by myself. They come up to me with the same stupid ass fucking questions and comment like: "what's wrong? why aren't you nice to mom? are yo ok?" They ask me these questions with the tone that you would use when you talk to a 10 year old. Maybe that is why i feel like fucking little kid? I hate them all. I've always been their little fucking black sheep. I'm never happy around them and once I leave home I don't see myself talking to most of them ever again.

    I saw a counselor at my community college 1.5 months ago and he kinda helped me out. He wanted me to return but I never did and he has since quit working there. I am going back on Monday to see a different counselor but I don't know what to tell him. I'll be open and tell him everything I just said here.

    I haven't made an emo thread like this in a long time now. Wow, doing it again brings back memories. Feel free to give me your opinions on what I should do.

    Cliffs: I'm a miserable person. My life is shit.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2010
  2. Igneous

    Igneous \\ OT Supporter

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    Theres a possibility that whatever i write below is something that has crossed your mind before.

    I think you should stop comparing your childhood to your peers' childhoods and it can begin by just taking things one day at a time.

    When I am extremely frustrated i take it to the punching bag in my garage until I am exhausted, perhaps that might work for you, or just some form of physical activity. Another thing you should try is to write down the things that you did enjoy or liked doing when you had a good attitude vs. this emo one. And, if your family doesn't realize that they upset you even though you said you've expressed to them that you dont like the talks you endure @ social gatherings with them, remind them, change the topic, or just laugh and draw attention away from the topics you dont want to talk about.

    You cant change what your life was like up to the moment you are in now, so stop comparing the past you lived vs. the past you wanted and you will be able to move forward. You've been where you want to be before so you should know what to do and how to do it to get back.
     
  3. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Well you can change all of this but it takes time and effort.

    It's good that you're going to a counselor but it would also be helpful to think of therapy as a process, not an event. It takes time to work through things, build trust with that person and really do some work.

    Your siblings may treat you like a kid but unless you accept that you're not a kid. Think of it this way, if I try to give you a present and you refuse the present, who's present is it at that point? It's still mine. So don't accept how they are treating you as the truth that can never be changed.

    Family roles are one of the most difficult things to address and deal with because they have been around for so long and we slip into them VERY quickly and easily. Not only that, our family is often unwilling to accept changes in this regard but that doesn't mean we have to stay where they want us....fuck that shit.
     
  4. schmitty101

    schmitty101 You might remember me from such films as "Dig your

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    I can easily make changes but I don't think I have the mental power to keep them changed. I believe there is something wrong with my thought process that is disabling me. I might decide to move to California and leave my past behind me, but that doesn't mean that my mental problems won't go away. I don't know how to communicate with people, and I don't know how to function in social groups. Someone will jokingly make fun of me while I just sit there with a smile on my face because i don't know how else to react. This makes me look extremely stupid and I hate myself later for it.
     
  5. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Well it certainly takes effort. This is quite common however....ask anyone that has made a New Years Resolution. It's a fucking joke with everyone....we make these resolutions and within a month, most people abandon them and vow to "do better next year".

    The good news is, though processes can be changed. Now if there is something physically wrong with your brain or you are suffering from a mental illness then yes, you have much more difficult issues. However, most people aren't in this category they're just lazy, confused and/or too hard on themselves.
    Exactly....the old saying is, "No matter where you go, there you are." Which means you can't simply move to change your internal problems. However, staying with your parents doesn't sound helpful and/or healthy at all so if I were in your shoes, I would put some physical distance between me and them. Not so that I can say, "FUCK THEM" but so I can have the space I need to process my own shit. It's really difficult sometimes to do that when their voices are so friggin loud. You need time to find your voice and learn to trust it.
    Ok...most of us have issues in this regard. You can learn these behaviors. You can learn how to be more friendly and/or how to deal with people on a different basis. There are many books on the subject. Perhaps you should visit your local library.
    I do the same things but I don't beat myself up for it later. If the person has said something really hurtful but in a joking way, then I'll either tell them to knock it off and/or just quit hanging around them. However, there's a HUGE difference between that and someone just putting me down...in jest.

    The ability to laugh at oneself is a huge gift. I would suggest that you're unable to do this because you're constantly kicking yourself in the ass about every little thing. What about the things you do well? What about all the good things you bring to this world? Everyone has some good that they bring. Focus more on that than on what's lacking in your life.

    I mean if you're constantly focused on how fucked up you are....then the very minute someone says something, they just add to that HUGE pile of shit you're living under. You accepted the pile, you can choose to not accept it anymore.

    Seriously...there are mountains of self help books out there that can help you. I would suggest that you start reading them and try their suggestions. You might just surprise yourself.
     
  6. schmitty101

    schmitty101 You might remember me from such films as "Dig your

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    Thanks cootie. You helped me gain some focus there. I'm desperately applying to jobs so that I can move out, which I think will clear up my head and give my soul a breath of fresh air.

    I'm very hard on myself. I know that EVERYONE has problems of some sort, I don't know why I think i'm such an extreme case? I'm going to see the counselor tomorrow and hopefully i'll see him on a regular basis. I'm looking forward to seeing what a professional can do.
     
  7. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    You are most welcome. Glad I could help.

    I hope you're counselor at school can also be a sounding board on which you can discuss some of the issues in your life. If that doesn't pan out, try a church. Now I'm not the religious type so if you're like me, it might need to be a Unitarian church or something like that were it's more open to all different kinds of faith.

    I tend to be extremely hard on myself also. It as if I'm not absolutely 100% perfect, I'm a complete and utter fuck up and the lowest of the low. Now neither one of those extremes are reality but that's the way my mind works and it's taken me years to figure out that there are sorts of shades of gray in between those two extremes.
     
  8. schmitty101

    schmitty101 You might remember me from such films as "Dig your

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    Do you ever feel like you rush yourself through life? Have you ever stopped yourself and noticed that lots of people tend to to take things "slow"....like they are in no rush to fulfill their expectations of life? It's like they have an attitude of "it'll happen when it happens", meanwhile you are sitting there constantly trying to better yourself and trying to do it as quickly as possible because you can almost feel the clock ticking. Has anything like that ever crossed your mind?
     
  9. Japan Four

    Japan Four Guest

    you need to doubt your self doubt man.

    heres my example: My father and mother are the closest people to me in the world. they have known me since day one, so whatever they say about me affects me, no matter what I think. So if they say I am getting fat, or lazy, i shrug it off, but it still creeps inside on a subconsious level, because my parents are the closest people to me in the world.
    I saw a therapist and talked to him about this, and what He told me, changed my life.

    You need to doubt your self doubts. You need to think about what your family says to you and say" I doubt that it should make me feel this way"

    you need to decide on how you want to feel. Your parents and family dont understand that the things they say and do to you affect you on a subconsious level. you need to doubt the feelings they instill inside of you, and decide how you want to feel, and how you want to be, its the first step in individuality, setting yourself apart from the opinions of others.
     
  10. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    When I was younger I felt that way a lot. I have a brother that has been extraordinarily successful at a very young age. While most people are graduating college, he was running companies, buying and selling companies and generally living a dream life. He cast a HUGE shadow and I very often felt like I was a failure because success didn't come as quickly to me.

    As I've aged I've had to realize that I'm not him and that my own goals and pace in life is actually VERY OK. In fact, I've found it crucial to my peace and happiness.

    Yes at times in my life I've rushed and pushed myself. I found success faster than a lot of my friends and that was nice but also quite stressful. After having lived that life and noticed how it affected my health and how unhappy I was, I realized that that is not the only way to live.

    When I went back to University to pursue a dream, getting a CS degree, many people told me I should take 21 hours and work full time....after all I needed to knock it out because I wasn't getting any younger. I thought that was silly....instead I took a max of 13 hours a semester, took 6 during each summer break and I didn't work a day for 4 years. It was AWESOME and helped me in ways that I have a difficult time articulating fully. It really touched so many areas of my life and one of them was to help me find, value and trust my own inner voice.

    It's really about choices and often people will say, "Do it this way because that's what ___________ did and it obviously worked for them." Meh....finding my own way was much more valuable.
     
  11. Eclipsed830

    Eclipsed830 Active Member

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    :hs: Kinda know the feeling.
     
  12. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    You're expressing your grief, and that's ok. You're also blaming yourself, which is unproductive and usually not really even true. You'll learn this to be true down the road.

    Counseling is absolutely necessary in this situation in order to correct the anxiety disorder. It is possible the disorder is simply the normal symptoms of someone who has gone through what you have.

    In order to get thru it, you'll have to let out the pain, anger, hate, and whatever else is inside, so that you can finally take responsibility for getting on with your life. That is usually the hardest part for people. You must place responsibility on those who are responsible, but you also must take responsibility for how you cope with what you can't change, in order to recover your health and sanity.

    Peace will come if you follow these simple facts. The counselor will help you navigate through the process so that you can arrive where you want to be.
     

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