SRS My girlfriend of a year broke up with me and I have a few questions for OT

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Cronin, Mar 19, 2010.

  1. Cronin

    Cronin New Member

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    My girlfriend of a year broke it off with me two months ago. She came to my apartment and gave me several reasons for this.

    Her = 19
    Me = 22

    1. She felt that my happiness was too dependent on her actions. If I wanted to talk to her and she wasn't available, she felt like I became sad (which is true) and she had to much control over how I felt.

    2. She felt as if our relationship wasn't special anymore. The first 8 months were fun, spontaneous, and romantic. The last 4 were routine and boring. We did the same thing every night (watched movies and ate dinner) and I stopped surprising her with gifts or trips.

    3. She felt like I got upset when she didn't want to sleep over at my place, or if she wanted to go hang out with her friends and not see me for a few days (this is true.) She felt like she was losing her sense of being an individual.

    4. She said I let myself go and wasn't aesthetically respectful around her anymore (this is true too.)

    5. She said things got too serious too fast. At first she thought the idea of talking about marriage was cute but then it became too much for her. She said she wanted to date a lot of different guys before she got married.

    My questions for OT:

    1. I feel like I'm not very happy unless I'm with someone who cares about me (maybe this is because I grew up feeling alone and alienated from my family & friends.) How can I be happy on my own so I'm not draining for someone else?

    2. How can I resist the urge to be with someone all the time and not smother them? How can I NOT ACT and FEEL so clingy?

    3. What's the different between attachment and love?

    4. How can I keep the next relationship from becoming boring and routine?

    I feel like there are some lessons I need to learn and things I need to work on before I do anything serious like this again. It's been 2 months since the breakup, I was devastated, and I finally feel like I'm okay now. I'd like to date again but maybe I'm not ready.
     
  2. john law

    john law Guest

    Simply put you smothered her.

    It seems like you have a case of "one itis".

    I don't have much else to add.
     
  3. Cronin

    Cronin New Member

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    Lol, you didn't answer any of my questions! You simply rephrased what I already wrote :hs:
     
  4. jim1234664

    jim1234664 New Member

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    look man hes getting the ball rolling and making it more interesting for someone else to post.

    you should be glad he didnt add any advice if he didnt have anything good for you
     
  5. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    some men love to be around their women at all times and some women love to be around their men at all times. i know couples that do everything together. My gf and I have separate lives from each other and it works well for us. we are very happy to just be together sometimes because we end up missing each other. I think most people don't want to be smothered. I'm a very independent person and need my space and find it a huge turn off to be complained to that I don't care because I'm not with her all the time.

    you two weren't compatible in her eyes. you don't need to change your attitude, you just need to find someone who has what you want. don't worry about it dude.
     
  6. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    I had sort of a similar problem, I went into it with one-itis, and did all I could for her, and she loved me back in the same way that you loved your girlfriend. But at one point I got kind of tired of not being myself and I wanted to play more video games and listen to metal again. I had sort of given up those things because I figured that's not something my gf would like. I then learned the very important lesson of being who I want to be, instead of who I think she would like.

    So find what you really like to do and focus on that while you have a girl, don't ignore her, and try to include her, but don't rely on her either.
     
  7. CalicoJackie

    CalicoJackie New Member

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    Its sounding like you have some abandonment and co-dependency issues. You invest far too much of yourself that it compromises who you are as a person because you are so willing to change to make her happy. In turn, it affects her because she doesn't want you to feel bad to she has to repress all of those emotions that are going to make you upset. Simple answer is: You need to learn to be OK on your own. You need to do some serious soul-searching (and therapy) in order for you to move past this. You should never NEED another human being in your life, You should WANT them there.
    There is a difference.
     
  8. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

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    were your parents divorced - you grew up only with mom or dad ? they didn't love you enough as child ?
     
  9. Blue Wing Olive

    Blue Wing Olive Woman on the Edge

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    There are different types of people in the world. Some like to be really tight with each other emotionally and physically, some are more independent.

    Sounds like you're a guy who likes to be really close and tight with your partner and she isn't.

    Or... she's just not that into you.
     
  10. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    I was pretty excited to read this thread. I'm not excited about your misfortune, but you're one of the first guys with problems like these to actually NOT blame your significant other for everything. The fact that you realize that you had a problem makes me believe that you can easily change and have an amazing relationship in the future.

    Each of those questions you asked could have an entire book written about them apiece, but I'll still tell you what I think. Mine or nobody else's answers could ever possibly replace what a good therapist could do for you though.

    1. I feel like I'm not very happy unless I'm with someone who cares about me (maybe this is because I grew up feeling alone and alienated from my family & friends.) How can I be happy on my own so I'm not draining for someone else?

    I believe that the best solution for this is to create a life of fun that isn't built around a girlfriend. I had the same problem as you so I took up Mixed Martial Arts. I look more forward to doing that than hanging out with any girl. The ironic thing is I've met most of the girls I've dated as a result of cage fighting.

    You've got to have hobbies or other interests. Personally, I think it's just as important when you're in a relationship to have these things too. It's pretty unattractive when you base your whole life and happiness around your partner.

    2. How can I resist the urge to be with someone all the time and not smother them? How can I NOT ACT and FEEL so clingy?

    Well, my response for question #1 could answer how to resist the urge of wanting to be with someone all the time. This is because you'll have other things you want to do than just hang out with your girl.

    There is no easy answer on how to not act and feel so clingy. I think that therapy is the best way for this. A good therapist could really sit down and talk with you and challenge your limiting beliefs.

    3. What's the different between attachment and love?

    So many people have different definitions of love. Attachment is more for you whereas love is more for them. It sounds like in your relationship you kept her around more for your happiness without really worrying about her happiness that much. I'm not pretending to know exactly how your relationship was, but obviously she was unhappy, and I'm sure you noticed.

    4. How can I keep the next relationship from becoming boring and routine?

    You might check out some books on "keeping the flame alive" so to speak. Just picking out random stuff to do is something that people often overlook. Looking in your city's "events" section is a good idea.

    Just think of random fun things. I think that I kept things pretty exciting with my ex-girlfriend. She was pretty devestated when I broke up with her, so I think she was pretty happy. I wasn't.

    One time I came home with face painting supplies and told her we would have a face painting contest. Another time we had a 2 person toga party to see who could make the best costume. Other times I would completely smash her in video games....but that was more just for me lol. Ummm once I challenged her to see who could build the best house out of a deck of cards. Or going to an arcade is always fun. Going bowling. Playing mini-golf. Playing pool. Board games. Come up with a goofy dance routine. Building a birdhouse or other little crafts. I'm a competitive guy so I always enjoyed "challenges." It would be doing stuff together, but just kind of competing against each other. It made it pretty fun in my opinion. As long as you aren't overly competitive or anything. Being gracious in losing is always a great idea. One time I did smash her birdhouse because mine looked like shit, but she laughed at it so it worked out.

    I feel like there are some lessons I need to learn and things I need to work on before I do anything serious like this again. It's been 2 months since the breakup, I was devastated, and I finally feel like I'm okay now. I'd like to date again but maybe I'm not ready.

    I can almost promise you that nothing will really change if you don't seek out a therapist and discuss your relationship life. You'll most likely just repeat this relationship again with the next person if you don't get some professional help. And that's a good thing. I was EXACTLY the same way as you in my first relationship. Therapy and books really helped me out.
     
  11. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    This is the cause of a lot of your issues. You're young, you'll grow.
     
  12. jim1234664

    jim1234664 New Member

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    truth, dated a girl from 17-21, totally a different person in so many ways as it got towards the end.

    I also think most girls enjoy a slutty/party stage around that time
     
  13. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    1. I feel like I'm not very happy unless I'm with someone who cares about me (maybe this is because I grew up feeling alone and alienated from my family & friends.) How can I be happy on my own so I'm not draining for someone else?

    get your own hobbies, hang out with friends, start focusing on what makes you happy as an individual. For example.... im happy w. someone or alone. when im alone i focus EVEN MORE on my hobbies (gym, mountain biking, etc)

    2. How can I resist the urge to be with someone all the time and not smother them? How can I NOT ACT and FEEL so clingy?

    how can i resist the urge to drink 7 days a week? how can i resist the urge to eat like shit? i just do it! there is no trick behind it. you just have to realize your are smothering (seems like you have). when you get the urge to somether her be aware of it and focus on something else.

    3. What's the different between attachment and love?

    almost impossible to describe. i may even say they go hand in hand.... the difference is this.... do not let attachment become more powerful than love. you have to undersatnd that even in a RS being an individual is importnat. alone time is important.

    4. How can I keep the next relationship from becoming boring and routine?

    this is tricky. you are young and so are the girls you date. most girls in that age bracket have little experience in what a realt LTR is. they think its all romance all the time. when it hits a plataue they freak.
    sure you can buy her shit, make her dinner, take her in trips..... but do you want someone that high maintanance? more mature girls undersatnd that in a LTR its a balance of romance but with it come periods of "stale" times.


    sorry for any typos i was hurrying.
     
  14. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    It sounds like she isn't looking for a long term relationship.
     
  15. ApathyAsylum

    ApathyAsylum OT Supporter

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    this sounds a lot like my relationship with my gf...only from the opposite view. even the same age

    a lot of the problem with the relationship i have with my gf is her unrealistic expectations. she watches too many romance movies and feels we have to be close all the time otherwise we're splitting apart which isn't true, sometimes its just nice to have alone time. is this how you feel? that if you're not with her constantly it means something is wrong?
     
  16. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    one thing you can do is get involved in some hobbies/regular activities that don't involve a gf. If you're busy having fun, you wont necessarily miss the girl as much if she isn't available.

    If all you're doing is sitting around missing her, of course you're gonna feel miserable.

    One way I look at it is this: Always have alternate options. Don't necessarily MAKE other plans, but have some ideas of what else you could do...call up some buddies, read a book, go bowling, whatever.
     
  17. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    Co-dependent much?

    She just wasn't that into you, or found someone new.
     
  18. Crawling Dead

    Crawling Dead Gz-TeRRoR

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    Main reason why your relationship failed?

    She is young. New flash: On a big enough timeline, all relationships become routine. Doesn't mean surprises cant be thrown in there, but the longer you date, the further streched out in time these surprises come.

    She liked the thought of the honeymoon portion of the relationship, but in the end, she had no intentions of turning this into a long haul. Move on. try dating someone older, more mature, someone who isnt looking for a glorified fuck buddy. A relationship is about sharing, everything. Every thought, every action, every decision. If the person you are with is not someone interested in sharing these things, then the person you are with is not interested in you.
     
  19. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    We are social creatures. Some people like being alone, some people don't. You shouldn't force yourself to accept being alone if you can't handle it. If you don't have romantic partner, fill your life with friends and social interactions. Learn something new and you will most likely meet new people. I need company. Doesn't matter if it is friends, my husband, the tv, or whatever. I need noise and I need to know there is someone near me who gives a toss. My husband can go days without seeing anyone (me included). We are just two diffrent kinds of people and it's okay to need and want someone around.

    You need to tell yourself that it's okay for them to do something else and just because they are spending time with someone else it's not because they don't want to be with you. I suffered from this. If my husband were to spend time with his friends, or even alone I took it as he was choosing them because he didn't want to be with me. It wasn't that at all and after a while of trying to reset my automatic I was okay with not being around him. He also made an effort of reminding me that he was thinking of me. That helped.

    Can't say I know the answer to this. But I still think needing to be with someone isn't always a bad thing.

    At some point it's highly likely that ALL relationships you are in become about routine. You need to find the right woman who understands that after a while reality happens
     
  20. SuckerPhree

    SuckerPhree New Member

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    Good thread.
    I'm in a similar boat.

    Thank you for all the responses
     
  21. macbook bro

    macbook bro Guest

    next time, cheat on her
     
  22. gnostica

    gnostica New Member

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    I don't wanna answer your questions. Instead, I wanna comment on "what your girlfriend did" -- hope you don't mind :p


    1. She felt that my happiness was too dependent on her actions. If I wanted to talk to her and she wasn't available, she felt like I became sad (which is true) and she had to much control over how I felt.


    I wonder if she realizes that it's somewhat natural for a lot of people (not everyone, I'm just saying that some people are naturally like this) to be happy or sad depending on the actions and re-actions of others. It's not abnormal, it's not even necessarily "clingy" or "unhealthy", it's just.. some people's natural state of being.

    Never the less, if she couldn't handle that, then you guys weren't compatible. What you need to understand though is that this wasn't necessarily something you have to "fix". It's more about finding someone you are more compatible with.


    2. She felt as if our relationship wasn't special anymore. The first 8 months were fun, spontaneous, and romantic. The last 4 were routine and boring. We did the same thing every night (watched movies and ate dinner) and I stopped surprising her with gifts or trips.

    The girl needs a reality check. Got news for her: All relationships are like this. Some take less time (3 months) some take more time (a year or two) but EVERY relationship "exist" the honeymoon-period and enters the "routine" period. Every last one.

    This girl will be cycling through boyfriends like water until she's 80 years old if she actually doesn't see that... but I get the feeling she does understand the "honeymoon period"

    I don't think she told you the complete truth on this one. I think she's making excuses, and that most likely she just didn't wanna be with you anymore. Here's what it boils down to: The honeymoon period is great and all, but when it wears off? You have to decide: Can I be with this regular average person for the rest of my life?

    The answer is either yes or no. Yes doesn't mean it will work out, it just means you're willing to keep going because you could be with them... And she decided No. That's all it is. We are all that "boring average person" at some point in time. Someone eventually just has to say "yes".


    3. She felt like I got upset when she didn't want to sleep over at my place, or if she wanted to go hang out with her friends and not see me for a few days (this is true.) She felt like she was losing her sense of being an individual.

    I'm like that, I dunno what to tell you other than "This girl wasn't compatible with you". You and I would have been perfectly compatible on this one (I'm just making a point to show you that not every girl is the same). In fact I can relate to a lot of what you're saying in these "My girlfriend said this, ad it's true" comments.

    Just goes to show you that you need to find someone who is emotionally/mentally on the same page as you are. That type of compatibility is just as important as any other.

    4. She said I let myself go and wasn't aesthetically respectful around her anymore (this is true too.)

    This is about the only thing you have control over IMO, and at least you can kinda recognize it now -- but you know what? Even this is somewhat normal. But again, you do have control over this one, so shape up for next time and don't dwell on it.

    5. She said things got too serious too fast. At first she thought the idea of talking about marriage was cute but then it became too much for her. She said she wanted to date a lot of different guys before she got married.

    Oh please... My husband and I talked "marriage" and "what we want for the future" at 2 or 3 months (not even kidding), he proposed at 6 or 7 months, we were married at a year being together. Our 2 year marriage (3 years together) anniversary is coming up in the Summer... we're as happy as the day we met.

    This girl just wasn't right for you. In so many ways.



    ---


    Now, the reason I don't wanna answer your questions? Is because they are all "How do I change".

    But for me... hah, all I can say is "Don't change." Find someone who wants you for you.

    I am you, in girl form :p Yes, I'm sure we're completely different in about a thousand ways, but in what you've posted above? We're pretty much the same. Yeah, I went through hell with relationships where I had some of the exact same problems, but you know what?

    Then I found a guy who liked me for me.

    And we got married.. and now happily ever after. The end.

    What's wrong with not changing, and just holding out for the right person? Trust me: changing for anyone but yourself? Doesn't work out. Don't change for some romantic ideal of what you think you need to do for your future relationships...

    Just be you. No bullshit on that.
     

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