SRS My girlfriend is a bum

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by t-t-t-today, Aug 26, 2008.

  1. t-t-t-today

    t-t-t-today New Member

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    Hi everyone. Long time reader, first time poster. This forum is a gold mine for relationship advice/life problems.

    Anyway, I've been dating my girlfriend for about 6 months. She had a job when we first met, but then she quit after about 2 months and she has been unemployed ever since. Whenever we go out, I always pay for everything, ALWAYS. She bought me a ticket once to go see a car show, which was only like $35 dollars. I have probably spent over $800 on her the last 6 months. We've gone to plenty of shows, seen movies, out to eat, we've done fun activities, I paid for it all.

    This is such bullshit. She is always whining about how she never has money, yet she has gone to like 4-5 concerts with her friends, gone on out of state trips with her friends, and she smokes weed. I asked her how the hell she is paying for all that crap if she never has any money. She says that her friends smoke her down for free, and her dad gives her money when she is going somewhere. WTF?

    Her parents have recently gotten divorced, so she says she has been depressed and that's why her friends have been smoking her down for free. 2 days ago i told her that she is a fucking bum and that she needs to get a job because i'm getting sick of it (I got really angry because she was at my house and she was worried that she doesn't have enough gas to get back home, RIDICULOUS)

    I really love her, we get along sooo great and she love me too, but I don't like dating someone who gets stoned a lot and sits around not doing shit all day. What should I do? Should I give her some time to get over her parents divorce? She gets really sad and says that she feels really abandoned because her mom just up and ditched her family, leaving her to do all of the cleaning and everything (her brother and father are slobs). I feel bad for her, but at the same time I keep encouraging her to show some strength, get over it already, and take care of her own life.
     
  2. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Keep dating her but stop paying for her.

    And also stop keeping track of how much money you've spent on her (which will greatly decrease because you're done paying for her).

    You not paying for her has nothing to do with her being unemployed (ie. it's not to motivate her to get a job), but it's because it's not the 50s anymore and women are able to get jobs.

    Also, you're not rewarding her (by paying for her) for having a pussy.

    How do you know she's dating you for you and not for your money?
     
  3. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Dude. You've only been with her 6 months. Just get out now, find a woman with a job, who doesn't smoke, and doesn't have emotional issues to deal with.

    This shit is not worth it at all...and come on man, you've given her 4 months to get a job. You may be able to overlook this now, and a little longer if you stop paying for her, but eventually, you're going to have to ask yourself "is it worth it to stay in a relationship with a financially irresponsible person?"

    And seriously, think about this. If you stop paying for her...what the hell are you guys gonna do? You'll be dating a girl who can't go out and do anything because she has NO money. Now, I'm a big believer in doing stuff that is free or low cost, but it's normal to go out and do things that occasionally cost money.

    Also, from your post, you sound like you've reached a point where it's bothering you...so why continue to let it bother you?

    She can get back to you when she gets her life in order. It's not your job to fix her, especially after only dating for 6 months.
     
  4. Arkaybee

    Arkaybee New Member

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    I dated a girl that moved in with her sister and bummed around for the longest time. She didn't have a steady job (worked for her Dad doing small work-at-home stuff) and never had any money to pay for anything. Her mom paid for her car/insurance and the little money she got from her Dad she put toward gas. It was really annoying to wake up every day at 6 am to go to work and have her sleep in till noon then send me a "good morning" text when I had already been up for 6 hours. She didn't seem to care at all.

    I eventually helped her find a job when she had three bills due all at once and needed like 400 bucks to pay it all off and had ZERO cash. She stayed working for a while till she decided to move across the country (but we had broken up by then).

    I agree with MattThom01. Don't waste your life with a relationship like this. Work is good for people. People that don't work don't deserve much from life but usually bitch about it anyway.
     
  5. t-t-t-today

    t-t-t-today New Member

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    Falconer- I know she isn't using me for money. She has never asked me for money or asked me to take her somewhere. I am always the one suggesting that we go out and do something.

    rkbergman- I know what you mean with those annoying "good morning" texts she sends you after she finally wakes up. There have been sooo many nights were we have stayed up all night together, then in the morning I just get dressed and go to work without any sleep at all. Then she texts me "good morning babe" at like 1 pm after I've already been working since 8am. It's like "I hope you enjoyed your wonderful sleep".

    Thanks everyone. I think i'm going to mix all of your advice together and

    1. Stop paying for her and taking her out
    2. Explain to her what I feel
    3. Giver her like 1 more month to get her shit together
    4. If I notice that she is just repeating her same patterns and still making the dumb excuses then I will wish her good luck and tell her that she can get back to me when she gets her life in order.
     
  6. Arkaybee

    Arkaybee New Member

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    If she wants to start finding a job take her to www.indeed.com

    Thats how I found a job for myself and for her and it has helped a ton of friends as well
     
  7. ledzep73

    ledzep73 New Member

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    If she doesn't have to ask why would she? Look if she is broke but doesn't need money she isn't going to get money. Find a more independent person if independence matters to you.
     
  8. Mint

    Mint Active Member

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    I'd dump her - to be quiet frank about it.

    I have no problem playing the "man" role and paying for everything - but if we're playing gender rolls, she'd need to play hers too.

    She just sounds like a lazy woman to me - I honestly would escape now. Unless like i stated before - she makes up for all the money and time spent putting up with it and I don't mean with sex. I mean with affection, appreciation and doing her part in the relationship.
     
  9. t-t-t-today

    t-t-t-today New Member

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    yeah so I talked with her about this. I told her that she seems lazy and that I won't wait for her much longer to get her shit together. She got very defensive saying that she is trying he hardest, and then she of coarse referred to her parents divorce as a big reason why things are so hard on her right now. We talked a little bit more about it, and the next day she told me she will be doing babysitting this weekend and that she will take me out afterward. I guess she got the message. :)
     
  10. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    ooh...babysitting.

    That's what, a weekend? What's her plan for the future past that?
     
  11. johan

    johan Active Member

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    My advice is to stop caretaking and if you really want to change this relationship, carve out the role you believe you want.

    We'll see if that's what she wants too. My guess is that she may not.

    But you already know that which is why you've played your role as you have till now.
     
  12. NuShooz

    NuShooz OT Supporter

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    Seriously..this girl sounds like my ex. Whenever she found a good job, her emotions got in the way and she quit. Always something to do with her not being able to take her boss' shit or coworkers or whatever.

    Anytime I would try to tell her that's it's never smart to quit before finding a new job, she pulls her rough childhood card. EVERY FUCKIN TIME. How her deadbeat dad made her this way and blah blah blah.

    I basically paid for everything for years. There was always an excuse for not having enough money to pay for bills. But yet I saw her getting her nails done, hair done, eyebrows waxed. And whenever I confronted her about it she got defensive saying how she's never able to pamper herself etc. etc.

    The only reason I stayed with her so long was because we had a kid together. Been broken up with her for 5 happy years now. I check up on her from time to time and she still hasn't changed. It's been 10 years since I've known her.

    So I say give her an ultimatum and if she can't support herself soon, that's it...run for the hills.
     
  13. ledzep73

    ledzep73 New Member

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    This dude is giving sound advice. Really man some people won't pay for themselves if they don't have too. Independence is a pretty good trait if you ask me.
     
  14. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest


    Generally speaking, the only time a dude should pay for a girl IMO is when...

    1) She's your wife
    or
    2) She's your fiance
    or
    3) You guys split the bill or whatever else it may be.
    or
    4) You guys switch off paying for each other
    or
    5) You want to
     
  15. JS1

    JS1 sup

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    My estranged wife is exactly the same way (divorce in two weeks). She's "unemployed" (as in, couch potato) and gets her hair done while my son wears pants from Wal-Mart with a hole in it. :mad:

    Run, don't walk!
     
  16. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    Gotta be careful with women like this.. trust me im seeing it 1st hand..

    Living with my GF of 2 years.. and we got a place together , in a nicer part of town and more room.. so far she hasnt paid a dollar in rent , due to whatever excuse she can come up with at the time. Now i make a decent wage , but coming up with $1300 bucks on short notice is still difficult to do , and basically she started writing the rent check out of my checking account, but didnt put her part of the money in , and resulting in the rent check for august bouncing (twice) .

    I have told her basically she wanted this place so bad for her daughter , and all that..well im doing way more than my part ,and she isnt.. so she can deal with the landlord , and find someway to explain it ,and pretty much do whatever it takes to make it work. If not she can find somewhere else to live on her own. Im done with babying her and fixing whatever problems she has when she doesnt do what she needs to...

    so far she is borrowing a months rent from her grandparents .. though my gut feeling is that the same problem will happen again in october..

    keep an eye out man, and dont let them guilt you into anything.. i have heard it all from my GF " my kid needs a roof over her head" and everything else you can think of.. which i agree , the kid needs a roof , but she needs to work to provide for HER kid.
     
  17. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Sorry to hear that, have you looked into options for living on your own yet?
     
  18. Mint

    Mint Active Member

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    ...Hearing stuff like this gets me so pissed. :mad:
     
  19. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    Not to Hijack somone else's thread.. but yea, thankfully my family is always there for me , and i can go back there anytime to get back on my feet , and get my life , and finances figured out.

    its not like this hasnt been goin on for a while.. but i have basically laid down a deadline.. and we'll see if she is able to do what it takes .. not just for me.. but for US , and for HER kid...
     
  20. Auspicious one

    Auspicious one New Member

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    i just broke up wit hmy 8 month girl friend,

    she smoked pot every day,

    no job,

    not in school,

    no car,

    no health insurance,

    staying with aunt and uncle.

    feels good man
     

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