SRS My girlfriend has a shitty family that's taking advantage of her...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Guy Friesch, May 31, 2007.

  1. Guy Friesch

    Guy Friesch WHOOPS, FORGOT MY HAT.

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2003
    Messages:
    60,543
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    pon de gal
    and she won't listen to me :hs:

    she lives in her grandparent's house with her mother and her great aunt. her mother is addicted to pills and sells them. same with her aunt. they are constantly 'ill' so she's waiting on them hand and foot, to the point where they feel justified waking her up in the middle of the night to perform little tasks, even though she has to be at work at 8 in the morning. Now i just found out that her great aunt is having her pay $400 per month in rent, even though the house is fully paid off. is this not fucked? My girlfriend already has to deal with Diabetes and this isn't making shit any better. How can i get her to listen? Whenever i try to tell her, she just brushes me off and chalks it up to family obligation. now that i sold her my car, she's getting called on by all her shitty family members to do menial tasks, without gas compensation or anything. i'm just a little exasperated because she comes to me complaining about these things, i tell her what she should say, and she never listens.
     
  2. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2002
    Messages:
    64,128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philly, PA
    How old is she?
     
  3. Guy Friesch

    Guy Friesch WHOOPS, FORGOT MY HAT.

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2003
    Messages:
    60,543
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    pon de gal
    21
     
  4. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2006
    Messages:
    8,533
    Likes Received:
    0
    So it is your job to run your girlfriends life?

    Look....
    You mean well. You might even be completly correct. Fuck it. You are full-on full-on correct. You are Alex Trebec correct.

    Here is the thing. At the end of the day it is her life not yours.
    I can kind of get like that. I get kind of crazy when I think someone else is fucking up there life and it is bloody obvious to me.
    What I do is I make a deal with myself. I tell the person once. Once I have done that it isn't my problem. Maybe it isn't bloody obvious? Maybe they need someone to tell them? So I do. One time. More times then that is butting in where I don't belong.

    This is a good way to ruin a relationship.
     
  5. Guy Friesch

    Guy Friesch WHOOPS, FORGOT MY HAT.

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2003
    Messages:
    60,543
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    pon de gal
    i don't think i'm butting in or anything, but when she constantly complains she has no money because she's carting them around for bullshit, it gets a little old.
     
  6. teo

    teo . => ? => !

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2004
    Messages:
    3,094
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Eh?
    You're not obligated to listen to it. If she was truly ok with her "family obligations" then she wouldn't be complaining about them. Tell her that you're not willing to listen to her complain about something if she's not willing to do anything about it. Back that up with actions - if she complains about it in the future, cut her off and reiterate your stance.
     
  7. Guy Friesch

    Guy Friesch WHOOPS, FORGOT MY HAT.

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2003
    Messages:
    60,543
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    pon de gal
    is there any way to do that without being a complete asshole about it?
     
  8. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite

    So why doesn't she take that money and move out?

    You can easily do a roomshare for that amount of money. Otherwise, some part of her is ok with this arrangement.

    You'd be surprised people LOVE to bitch about things, and remain in a state that gives them ample crap to bitch about.

    In fact they love to bitch so much, they remain in weird situations much longer than they should.

    There's no reason you should have to listen this bs continuously. Kindly offer to help her move her stuff out. Otherwise, tune it out.

    If she's otherwise also seriously dysfunctional, consider what it is YOU'RE getting out of this relationship. Might be time for finito.
     
  9. YourMomOnRyeBun

    YourMomOnRyeBun New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2006
    Messages:
    4,722
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Barry's turf... :-(
    How serious is the relationship? You are 21...so I would assume not to serious, but you never know.

    Are you close enough to put a ring on her finger? In other words, are you will to take on this burden because you care about her that much? If so, invite her to move in with you. She can still love her family from a few miles away...but then she doesn't have to deal with all the tasks a 3am. Just a thought.

    If you aren't that close...run. The drama is part of the deal. Take it or leave it.
     
  10. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2006
    Messages:
    8,533
    Likes Received:
    0
    I did a terrible job of saying what I wanted to say. I want to try again.

    First you need to ask yourself how much you really want this relationship.

    If your answer is, 'take it or leave it' then you should say whatever the bleeding hell you want to say.

    But if your answer is, 'I like this relationship very much.' then you need to consider how much interference she wants from you with her personal family life.

    Now you have a point - when she asks you for money she is dragging you into it.
    Try to think of a way to spin this in a positive manner.

    As an example:
    saying to her, 'You need to stop being your parents chaeffur.' or 'You know that you are giving them rent AND driving them around without asking for gas money?', is kind of negative.
    It would be easy for her to take either one of those statements as you saying to her that she isn't bright enough to handle her own problems or for you to make her self conscious of this stuff.
    Now understand that I could be wrong. She might be looking for someone to lean on so she can do what she feels is right. People are different, you have to figure this out.

    But... if you want to be more positive I would suggest an approach like this:
    'Hey I have been thinking about our relationship. I am really crazy about you. I think you are crazy about me. I am living on my own paying a fortune in rent, you seem to be having some issues with your home life.
    If you moved out and into my place I think it would be good for both of us and great for our relationship.'.

    Do you dig????

    The second approach isn't so much you telling her what to do. You aren't saying to her, 'Here is the correct answer:'.

    I don't know. Even that isn't EXACTLY what I am thinking. It is closer then my first post.
    The problem I am having is that I am too close to this issue. I do EXACTLY what I am accusing you of doing. I have spent the last couple of years trying to break the habit in myself. I am so close to it that it is hard for me to separate others from myself with this issue.

    Best of luck. I hope something I said made some sense.
     
  11. deviant critter

    deviant critter New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2007
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    0
    it took me a while to figure this one out (and i'm actually not being sarcastic) but i finally did so here it is: when people (especially girls) tell you their problems, they do not want you to solve them. they just want to you nod occasionally and say 'gee that's bad' or whatever, and then take their mind off of it.
    i used to always try to solve stuff, but it got too stressful, and people never listen, so now I just pretend i am paying attention to what they are saying and think about my next meal :p
     
  12. teo

    teo . => ? => !

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2004
    Messages:
    3,094
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Eh?
    Make time to talk to her about it when it's not right after an episode of her complaining about it. Have dinner first (seriously). Bring the issue(s) up in a way that is non-confrontational - that is, you don't want to come down on her for the choices she's made up to this point (or even appear to do so) because that's the fast-track to putting her on the defensive and closing down any discussion.

    However, you do want her to realize how her actions are affecting you and the relationship you share, and you want to have an open dialogue with her on things that can be done to improve the situation for both of you. Keep the discussion primarily factual and focused on improving the future rather than rehashing the past. Don't attempt to levy an ultimatum, but do make sure she understands that if there is no change in the situation, you will question whether it's advantageous and/or healthy for you to continue the relationship.

    Edit: Johan's right on the money. If you're thinking that this girl may be marriageable material, re-evaluating the quality of your relationship is something you'll have to do every so often in the future. A relationship is a living thing. If it's not working for both parties, then both parties need to put effort into resolving the issues that arise. Teamwork ftw.
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2007

Share This Page