SRS My GF has a denial problem...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by n9e9o9, Nov 20, 2006.

  1. n9e9o9

    n9e9o9 lol OT Supporter

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    We've been dating for ~4 years now, a very serious relationship. Two summers ago, she broke up with me temporarily because she had kissed another guy and it killed me so she wanted to figure out her "priorities" and that we wouldn't get into any serious relationships, i.e. kissing, having sex with someone else, etc. I really cared for this girl so I waited. After the summer, I met her again and we talked. Turns out she told me she had broken our "promise" and had fucked one of my "friends." Needless to say, I broke down :wtc: . Having sex, to me, was a sacred thing that was meant only for someone you truly cared for during an extended amount of time. I eventually found out who she fucked, but didn't tell her, deciding to forgive her for her sins, and she apologized profusely and we got back together.

    Fast forward to today, found out she has a problem with getting too cuddly and flirtatious with other guys. Last Friday, she lied about having getting drunk and sleeping over at a guy friend's place with other girls and guys (figured this out by looking through her "diary"). I was very upset and disappointed.

    I'm about to graduate college and she's getting emotionally unstable. She really cares for me but it's that empty feeling of me slowly going away that creates those mixed feelings in her. I don't want to let go of her and she will be very lost without me. How do I convince her to start telling me the truth about how she feels towards flirting with other guys? If I tell her I've been sneaking into her diary, she won't ever forgive me...help...:sadwavey:
     
  2. BeHeadR

    BeHeadR Only Slightly Insane

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    You have to end it man, its over and it should have been over when she fucked your "friend" -- you also should have seen that one coming. When chicks say they need to figure out their "priorities" its code for saying they need to have a bunch of dick inside them.

    Secondly you shouldn't even need to have to spy on her and read her diary, if you find yourself doing things like that its time to move on. You can't convince people to change or make them change, it doesn't work and they just end up resenting you for it.

    Just leave man, she doesn't respect you, shes cheated on you before and is doing it again. Why are you putting up with this....stop being the "nice guy" and getting walked all over. Put your foot down, tell her this is unacceptable and that you are moving on.

    You know what to do, you are just too big of a wuss to do it.
     
  3. n9e9o9

    n9e9o9 lol OT Supporter

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    so one bad event in life throws off every new chance to become a better person? i know lots of other couples who take this shit and just forget about it, forgiving their SO for having a weekend fling with another person....i guess i shouldnt follow that path......

    btw, heres the problem also....we live in the same apartment as "roommates" and live with another roommate so that parents won't think of anything.....can't really break up with her...for now...:(
     
  4. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Break up with GF on grounds that she needs to go find herself and you're not going to be her doormat while she does that. You should be free to go screw around other people, too. If you live in the same apartment as "roommates" then you have your own room, right?

    1. Install lock on bedroom door and lock your room when you're not in it. It's your space - keep it that way. Rearrange your bedroom furniture, too. It'll help you to detach from any sentimental memories that were made there.
    2. There is no need for her to be in your room, so remove her things from it and if she needs to borrow something then leave it out in the common areas for her.
    3. Move out at the earliest possible point ie. when your lease is up. If you are on a month-to-month tenancy, find a room in another house now.
    4. Don't take her back! :eek4: If you agree to a FWB situation, great, but why prolong your torture by staying in a relationship when she's obviously using you as her safety net while she goes and experiments?
     
  5. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    *One instance of sexual infidelity.*

    *Her getting cuddly with/sleeping in the same bed as other guys.*

    *You snooping around in her private stuff.*

    Face it, even if you tried to stay together, the trust would be gone from the relationship. She obviously doesn't want to be fully committed yo you. How do I know this? Simple, she is showing it with her actions. She cheated on you once, and she's going down the road to do it again.

    Oh, and I doubt she'll be lost without you. She has already shown that she is quite capable of finding her way to other men.

    End the relationship, and find someone will fully commit to you.
     
  6. BlaXicaN

    BlaXicaN OT Supporter

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    my ex cheated on me 4 years into the relationship. well... she broke up with me before sleeping with him, but she had feelings for him prior to all of this so its cheating. like you, i forgave her and we got back together 3 months later simply because i also believe people deserve another chance. things were going very well; i could see the love between me and her and things were better than they ever used to be. she started going to UT austin which is 1 hour drive from here; i'd still visit her and we were well the first year.

    3 years later from the first time we broke up, she did it again. this time the blame was on me. well... she started picking out flaws and what not to make me seem like the bad person. i admit i made mistakes but nothing worth leaving over and nothing that couldnt be fixed; she broke up with me over the phone and refused to communicate with me other than slow ass emails and she didnt want to work anything out afterwards; it was very high schoolish. like you, this was a girl that i cared for and loved so much; i took care of her and couldnt see myself without her. she wants to see what austin has to offer now.... which could mean a lot of things... heh.

    so now i look back and i ask myself if i regret going back to her the first time. right now that is hard to answer because we definitely loved each other at a point but then one day out of the blue left. i feel used in a certain way and i am very upset at how she is being so i completely cut her out of my life. i dont believe in once a cheater always a cheater. i have seen people turn their life around but its very seldom and its usually with grown adults that are 35+.

    now you need to listen to the advice mentioned and watch out for this man. nobody is perfect, and one day she may find something she may not like about you and use that to leave you like what happened to me. my ex is pretty and is definitely boy crazy like your gf; she also is rather immature and doesnt really have the mindset of what you would call a down to earth girl... meaning that she is cool to talk to but expects life to be too picture perfect. you have to remember the divorce rate is 50%+ in the united states. these types of girls that i just described do not help against those odds at all. too many of them live day by day wanting other dick. there are tons better committed girls out there.

    so we've been separated for over a month and it still hurts very much. and at the same time i do not care because i was the one that had everything going for me with college just finished and soon to be making 60k a year and get my own place. i can always find someone more committed and you definitely can too. i dont think you can get better advice other than from me, someone who has dealt with what youre going through and has that experience of how it feels. so all i can do is warn people like you that were in the situation i was so you dont walk the path i did and be hurt for a long time. we were together for a totally of nearly 7 years. thats a long fucking time to be with someone, only to get fucked over in the end. you dont have to leave her right this moment, but start trying to distant yourself and practice being without her so you don't take it as hard. im sorry to tell you but you do really need to leave her because i clearly see what is going to happen. good luck
     
  7. n9e9o9

    n9e9o9 lol OT Supporter

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    ironically i also to UT austin... thank you all for your advice, its been eye-opening...
     
  8. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    you dont trust her and she doesn't feel she can be honest with you. The relationship is dead
     
  9. Agent 007

    Agent 007 New Member

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    wow, i'm sorry to hear that. girl problems suck.
     
  10. Arclight

    Arclight Hypercube

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    This man speaks from experience. :hsd:
     
  11. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    She doesn't understand what she has with you and she doesn't realize that people can take only so much shit. You should make her aware of this.
     
  12. Kortiz-DZ

    Kortiz-DZ Resident Nigerian Lipper OT Supporter

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    People don't realize what they have until it's too late. They believe the grass is greener on the other side...

    What you need to realize is that from this point on...it's not your job to wait for her to realize it. You deserve better.

    Do what you know you have to do.
     
  13. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    it gets easier to do it every time. The hardest cheat is the first one.
     
  14. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    plus he cant teach her that by sticking around, you dont notice and appreciate the air you breathe until you're drowning.
     
  15. fray

    fray New Member

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    I agree here...don't worry about it. Even if she is "lost without you", she's a big girl now and it's time to grow up. Let her deal with it. Not your problem. Besides if you stay with everyone you're with because you don't want to upset them, you'll end up unhappy.
     
  16. johan

    johan Active Member

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    Ya countless other couples? Really. Regardless, in your situation, you are clearly not very important to her, but you have decided to allow yourself to be walked over several times before.

    Why?

    Do you really think that you can't get another girl? And don't you dare say you accept this shit because you LOVE her.

    Or is it that you can't get another girl as "good" as this one?

    You need to man up and realize and accept what this girl is telling you.
    And yes you can get a girl that's as good. Far better in fact.

    Sorry, you wanted the real goods, and here it is. Unvarnished and real.
    It's over. Get back with her if you want, but it will only happen again. Believe it.

    In fact, do get back with her. We here at Asylum can't get enough of being proved right over and over again.


    so...choice is yours. We've put a light on and showed you both paths.
    You decide which one to walk down.
     
  17. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    This is pretty much what I would have said here :hs:
     
  18. deleterious

    deleterious OT Supporter

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  19. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Yes, as mentioned, YOU are the one in denial. :sadwavey: Here's some more info:

    She broke up with you because she kissed him to try and end the relationship. She was unhappy, and finally did something to test you. As an adult male, women test you constantly to be sure you are strong, embrace truth and respect, and have self-respect. The fact that you did not dump her and never took her back told her you were essentially spineless.

    Her SECOND attempt to get you to say "Wow, we're done. Don't ever contact me again. I need a real woman who is loyal and trustworthy, not someone like you. Goodbye."

    You were spineless. There is a time to forgive people, and when she is giving you all the signals that she DOESN'T respect you or the relationship that is one of the times you cannot do that.

    Apparently she does NOT have a problem with it. She has a problem with you - you are not doing *something* to completely fulfill her needs as a woman.

    You do not have self-esteem to tell her "If you ever flirt with another man we're done." I have pulled my SO aside ONCE, just ONCE, when she put her arm over another guy at a bar (yes she was trashed) and I politely told her something like "Putting your hands and arms over another man in front of me is a HUGE disrespect to me. If you continue to do this I will not tolerate it, and you are embarrassing me, and in public. You are, of course, free to do whatever you want, but if you do it again don't expect to ever see me again." Needless to say I was polite, but got my point across in a mature way: Respect me or I will find someone else who will. If you were to say that to your woman, she would either do it and be secretly thrilled that you finally stood up for your relationship (and yourself!) or would do it again so she could get dumped.

    Again, she is testing you. You should tell her something like "You actions of spending the night with ANY other man are disrespectful to me, and I will no longer tolerate it. I have to know I can unconditionally trust the woman I am with, and I would NEVER consider spending the night with another woman knowing how that would make you feel. If you do that again, don't bother coming home and expecting to be with me."

    Yeah, but you HAVE NOT CONFRONTED THE PROBLEM. You have your head in the sand, hoping the problem with go away. This is, in my experience, the #1 way guys (boys) get dumped and cheated on by women.

    You MUST confront the problem like an adult to earn her respect, loyalty, and trust.

    The problem is that you are not the leader, the father figure, the husband ... you are the little boy, the baby, the child. You do not set standards, rules, nor do you enforce them or punish her for them. She needs guidance and expectations, and you are the one to lead her. She does not want you to let her do all this crap, she wants you to tell her "No!" every once in a while!

    BULLLL SHIIIT. She will replace you in about 3 days. She will find a man who WILL guide her, set rules and standards, and make sure she follows them. You are in denial for sure about that.

    You DON'T. You tell her flat out that you know her behavior with other men, and it's ***completely*** disrespectful, and if it happens again she's done. You will NOT give her another chance, and you should have brought it up sooner.

    Yes she will. You simply walk out with her diary in hand and drop it down in front of the two of you. Then you tell her that her behavior is completely unacceptable and you won't tolerate it. She'll blast you for the diary, and you shut her down and tell her "Don't change the topic. You are the one who has been lying and cheating, and now you think you can cover it up? We'll talk about your diary some other time. Our relationship is important to me and I thought it was to you, too. Do you want to work this out, or do you want to deflect blame for your actions onto me? Sure, maybe I was not attentive enough, but I didn't realize you were going behind my back because you were so unhappy. Let's resolve this like adults."

    I know lots of other couples, and most are unhappy. The ones that are happy are the ones with standards, rules, expectations, and TRUST.

    I would never forgive my SO for cheating on me. It would be the last time she ever saw me. I love her dearly, but if for one second she thought it was at all appropriate, then I would know I had the wrong woman.

    Bullshit, sub-let your room and move out. Rent a room for $400/mo from www.craigslist.com and get out. You're in denial if you think you have no control over your life!

    Face this head on, like an adult. Be a leader, take charge of your life and your relationship, and act like the mature and adult male partner she is looking for. Stand up straight and charge into this and work it out. NO LIES. Tell the truth and let her know what you EXPECT from her.

    Remember to be calm, cool, collected, mature, in control, polite, and a gentleMAN (gentle but a MAN, not a pussy) and work on it to understand the ROOT of the problems.

    I think the root of your problems is that you let her do whatever she wants. You need to set some rules and enforce them.

    -------------

    Personally, I would dump her. She has twice cheated on you for sure, and every time she spends with another man is a cheat again. What is it, 10 times? GOODBYE!
     
  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    First of all, you're reading through her diary (and I get it, I've done things close to that nature) but it's a HUGE sign of mistrust. In my opinion trust and communication are the top priorities for a successful relationship, and you guys don't have that-and it is the hardest thing in the world to agree and obtain between a couple....She's a flirt, she'll always be a flirt. I'm a big flirt as well. The problem however is that when I am in love with someone I don't even see other guys, so I don't flirt. Her flirting is not a good sign.

    I think you need to sit down and just really figure out/realize if this is honestly going to work out for the long haul. If it were me I'd walk away...
     

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